Apprising Ministries Attacks String Theory

 

Apprising Ministries, the stalwart Online Discernment Ministry of Orthodoxy pulled no punches yesterday when they attacked String Theory. “It is simply preposterous that the universe is made out of strings….even ropes are not strong enough to hold the planets together…besides the strings would get all tangled up with the planets.” The Online Discernmentalist Mafia (ODM) was fully supportive of Apprising Ministries and captured these brave comments “we must stand strong for Absolute Truth.” ODM followed up with a question by Dr Kaku regarding Apprising Ministries Statements “I’m not sure what Apprising is getting at here…has he even read a science text?” ODM came to the conclusion that Dr. Kaku was simply trying to hide the truth and using science to make a badder world.

We at the Online Discernmentalist Mafia fully support Apprising Ministries stand against scientific theories….especially ones made out of ropes and strings!

John Hagee Explodes

And actual picture of a dramatized John Hagee exploding.

Sunday evening in Texas John Hagee the controversial fire and brimstone preacher exploded while trying to explain the complexities of his end times charts. A church spokesman said “It is a shame that he exploded, but he was trying his darndest to get the newcomers to understand the multifaceted nuances of eschatology. It took him 15 years of research and study to build these charts. One of a kind! He become so enraged and frustrated in trying to explain the book of Revelation that he simply burst!” A clean up crew was on sight to take care of his remains.

We need your cash… and get a free sin!

 

In order for us to keep going we need your help. Yes, we are not like the other ODM’s that pretend to be persecuted and then beg for money, we instead have chosen to sell our indulgences to other ODM’s though they do wrong. This means that when you donate $1000 to us we will give the ODM of your choice a free pass for a week. We will let the “standard” slide for a time for them. So if you what us to not hold the standard up to our brothers and sister ODM’ers then please send all gifts and offerings to us. In fact God just told me to tell you that if you add another “0” to your check, then we will be glad to mention you on this blog as one that shares with us the truth of our angry God who hates sinners and gays and Democrats and sits all day listening to conservative talk radio.

I. Todyaso

Celebrating Judgment Day!

 

 

Both I. Todyaso and Truthslayer have come together in celebration of Judgment Day. February 30^th is the official day to celebrate Judgmentalism. Come celebrate this special day by accusing your neighbor of sinful actions.

 We at the Online Discernmentalist Mafia encourage any and all forms of judgmentalism.

Lighthouse Trails seems to fail when it comes to mentoring!

“We don’t “need” mentors and human models “to grow” as Christians; we need to trust God and follow His ways!” (Source)

 

Paul states in God’s holy, infallible, inerrant, authoritative, Word, this in contrast:

 

1 Cor 4:15.  Even though you have ten thousand guardians in Christ, you do not have many fathers, for in Christ Jesus I became your father through the gospel. 16.  Therefore I urge you to imitate me.

 

Hebrews also states this:

 

6: 12 We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.

 

 

13: 7  Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith.

 

Without we who are the human models of God’s way… there would be many more lost to the gays, emergents, Rick Warrenites, Roman Catholics and whatever apostate thing that comes next. How dare Lighthouse Trails trail of the narrow path and think God can teach anyone to follow His ways without us! In fact if Lighthouse Trails is right then we ODM’s will all be out of a job!

Ken Silva calls Ingrid “Manly”!

I had to read it more than once to make sure I read the insult against Ingrid. She is all woman and possible pregnant (which according to the Bible only real women get pregnant) and I understand that she may have some serious concerns over this pregnancy. (We truly are praying for her about this and consider that no joking matter.) Yet Ken Sivla has decided to give the backhand to a pregnant woman!

I’m on record as stating that my friend Ingrid Schlueter often acts in a way much more manly than many effete evangelical bloggers blogging about nothing. ~ Ken Silva

Pastor/Teacher/Guru/Internet Savant/master of puppets/fan of the Goo Goo Dolls, Ken Silva, it is bad enough to change Ingrid’s post title on Ted Haggard implying you want him to repent and stop bad mouthing real conservative American Christians like us. Yes, that is an insult to we who are truly of The spirit of The Truth War. How dare you even suggest Ted Haggard is worthy of repentance and returning to the pulpit! But to then attack Ingrid Schuelter and call her a man is way below the belt.

Ken I suggest you never show your face anywhere and hide like a coward until you repent of your insults against Ingrid!

Slice promotes Dr. Ruth Sex Expert.

 

I am shocked and outraged! Not that Ingrid attacks Mark Driscoll over teaching about sex and often using the bible to do so, but that SoL seems to be promoting sex in it’s own way! Yes, it seems Ingrid is very knowledgeable about sex herself…

 

Ingrid seems fixated on sex and can seem to muster images out of no where… “Christian Dominatrix”, “Painted girls of Sodom”, and now Dr. Ruth Westheimer are being regularly referenced. Now I can turn a blind eye to Ingrid indulging in an occasional Roman Catholic teaching show. Yet it seems that Ingrid is much too knowledgeable to not have watched SEXPERT Dr. Ruth a time or two. In fact I had to spend some time on the Internet with the safe search off to see what she was talking about. I noticed though she condemns Mark Driscoll (We here are always quick to acknowledge and praise others for their judgmentalism) for pointing to a site that promotes sex in marriage. Then Ingrid does it herself! We here at the Online Discernementalist Mafia in no way want to promote great sex in marriage… let alone any sex at all! We see sex as dirty and are sure to treat are wives that way also!

 

So I am now writing a Press Release that will come out soon. I will not post it on the ChristianNewswire.com site as their readership is too small an audience so I will be contacting Rupert Murdoch to see if he will contact Hugh Hefner to have this published in Playboy Magazine. That way we can truly get the word out about Ingrid and her obsession with painted dominatrix girls of Sodom and Dr. (Use a vibrator) Ruth.

 

Evangelical Pastors Questioned for Highlighting Seattle’s R-Rated Pastor at National Conference

SoL, having a keen eye for the other guy has recently noted “Concerns about Mark Driscoll, the controversial pastor of Seattle’s Mars Hill Church, …will be speaking on “Rightly Dividing the Word of Truth” The question for every Bible believing Christian is ….will he RIGHTLY DIVIDE THE WORD…. Or will he like other Emerging Apostates use TRIGONOMETRY!

Ken at Apprising Ministries noted that “just last week I heard from a guy who knew Rob Bell that he heard that Rob was Multiplying the word of God, and standing at the pulpit in jeans with no tie.” Here at the Online Discernmentalist Mafia we were simply outraged for more than one reason.  In fact we are always outraged!

We are not exactly clear what R-Rated means….did Apprising suggest it meant retarded or ridiculous? It does not matter ….here at the Online Discernmentalist Mafia, we are never wrong.

PS We KNOW that Jesus wore a tie…trust us on this…and Apprising will surely explain why!

 

Apprising Ministries Notes Lack of Judging So Far In 2009

 

Apprising Ministries notes that 2009 so far has been sorely lacking in judgmentalism. At a news conferences he stated emphatically “We are bible believers, and if we don’t judge sinners…who else will?” He furthered his comments with “We have got to start judging – come on people, make a commitment to judge somebody…start small and work your way up.” There were no comments so far from other Online Discernment Ministries at the time of this interview.

We at the Online Discernmentalist Mafia encourage any and all forms of judgmentalism.

Trinity Broadcast Network Denies the Trinity

In an exclusive Online Discernmentalist Mafia (ODM) expose we found that the Trinity Network denies the Trinity. ODM quoted a Trinity Network spokesman as saying “We didn’t actually know what Trinity meant….none of us in the TV network had ever studied theology – and when we found out what it was – we were startled….we could not find the word in the bible…” Nevertheless, we discovered that Trinity Network has now been recently bought out by the Unitarian Church of America and re-branded “Unitarian Broadcast Network.”