Scientists unveil ancient fossilized truth warrior

St. Ignace (Reuters) – Scientists on Tuesday unveiled the well preserved fossilized remains found in Northern Canada of a primate from 47 million years ago that may have been a close relative of the common ancestor of feces throwing monkeys that is a close relative of the modern Online Discernmentalist Ministers.

It is the most complete fossil primate ever found, only missing part of an accusatory finger that could shed light on how early discernmentalists and truth warriors judged others.

Mexican paleontologist Duan Juan DeMarcos, who led a team of scientists who analyzed the fossil in the past two years, said it may resemble one of the earliest ancestors of feces throwing monkeys and is likely to have been a direct ancestor.

“We are not dealing with our grand- grand- grand- grandmother but perhaps our grand- grand- grand- aunt who thru feces,” Duan Juan DeMarcos of the Fossils for El-Trutho Research Institute in Mexico told reporters at New York’s American Museum of Natural History.

The primate, which was two feet from the tip of its nose to the end of its tail, was a female that died before its first birthday. It was called Slicy in honor of Slice of Laodicea, who advanced the theory of judgmentalism.

Christianity Astray! New magazine published by Ken SIlva

In response to apostate and false prophet magazine Christianity Today, Ken Silva executed his fantastic publishing skills producing “Christianity Astray.” Because [Christianity Today] is a ” magazine that can barely be convicted of being evangelical.”

Christianity Astray will be 100% MORE holy. It will be 100% Evangelical.It will have MORE biblical. Martin Luther, Spurgeon and John Calvin will sit on the editorial board.

There will be MORE discernmentalist articles covering the entire spectrum of false Christianity. Moreover it will be made with non-recycleable materials and feature at least 10 John MacArthur essays and a 24 HR Obama watch per issue. Opinions within Christianity Astray will not vary and will essentially repeat the previous issues rehashed again using new and improved Apprising sanctioned words (ie backbone and spine will be used often).

Rob Bell will be a major focus of discussion as will Rick Warren having their own sections revealing their false teachings and general heresy.

Finally, Christianity Astray will focus on being the the SPECIAL OPS of the Evangelical world.

New Approved Exercise Chart

Yoga is not acceptable for real Christians and any Discernmentalist knows that as OUR doctrinal truth! Some even try to call it “Christian Yoga” and we know it is all a Eastern Mysticism deception in so- called Christian clothing! Now we here know that many Christians still need to exercises so we developed an approved chart for you to use in your morning prayer time. Yes, we call it… Stretching Exercises!

You can “think about God’s Word” as you stretch. (Remember, meditation and contemplation are not allowed by OUR doctrines or approved by Ken Silva) Start slowly as we all know that the rigidity of OUR doctrines can have an effect on our bodies. Yes, just call it “stretching” and no one will come after you. Just a bit of warning though;  be careful not to become too flexible as it could lead to liberalism!

 

Unity proves elusive for online discernmentalists leaders

Big Cheese, Iowa (Reuters) – Getting world Online Discernmentalists leaders together for a Discernmentalist 20 summit photograph proved impossible on Thursday — despite two attempts. Discernmentalists spent their time arguing whether John Armstrong and John MacDonald were saved, while others were more interested in updating their eschatological charts and proving that the Seven Year Pre-Tribulation Rapture would occur Oct 7th 2010 at precisely 3:00 PM Eastern Standard Time. Two lesser know ODMs spent their valuable time explain that jeans were unbiblical yet had time for photographs.

Meanwhile, a second take was hastily scheduled. This time Eric Barger, and John MacArthur was conspicuous by their absence as they were busy proving that no true Christian could go to the same coffee shop as an Emergent church member. With many leaders on tight truth warrior schedules, there were no plans to try to make it third time lucky, officials said….due to their heavy discernment schedule.

John Hagee’s Healing Scripture Player

The ODMafia robot research monkeys are excited about the

“Portable Healing Player …now available exclusively through John Hagee Ministries. This digital player recites the scriptures pertaining to healing, health and life from the Bible as read by Pastor John Hagee. The player comes with an ear piece and built-in stand and is battery powered. In addition the ear piece can be removed and the player can play just like your radio.” (We’re NOT kidding – check the link!!!)

Wow just like your radio – but with an ear piece! How technologically bleeding edge! Moreover it heals! We believe that Benny Hinn must have accidentally brushed against the HEALING SCRIPTURE PLAYER exact these miracle like qualities. embedded in worldly technology. Thankfully this POWER TO HEAL (PtoH) device is read by super apostle John Hagee…his soothing tone will force your body to heal whether it wants to or not.

ODmafia has ordered several for us and our staff. Order now while supplies last…embrace Hagee’s healing voice!

“P” to the “H” peeps….

Just like Butter but not.

Yes, Margarine was to be like butter yet, it was not. In fact it was illegal to color it yellow until 1967 so that people could tell the difference between real butter and fake margarine. And now, we have that problem in the church. Yes, we have a fake yellow margarine church. No longer is the church pure and holy like real butter, but it now seems to be harder to tell if it’s butter or margarine you are getting at your church.

That is why we invented, “I can’t believe because it is just margarine and not real butter” discernment butter. Yes, now when you take communion, you can spread real butter on your communion bread in protest over the fake believers in your church. Now you can tell who is real and who is fake when those who partake do not spread this holy butter on their communion bread or wafer. Not only that, but it adds flavor also! No more will we settle for margarine style believers when we can have real believers “spreading” the word.

Discernmentalist fears spread

GENEVA (Reuters) – Humanity may be witnessing a discernmentalist pandemic unfold, the head of the World Discernmentalist Organization (WHO) said on Tuesday, as Japan reported a big jump in emerging infections with the newly-discovered H1N1 virus.

Discernmentalist  fears dominated the start of the WHO’s annual congress in Geneva, where many of the 40 countries touched by the discernmentalist  strain that cause people to get uptight, angry, throw tantrums, verbally abuse others in the name of Jesus.

WHO Director-General said the outbreak that began in North America and has stretched to Europe, Asia and South America needed to be tackled with seriousness even though its symptoms appear to be largely mild.

Phoenix Lander Scoops Dirt from Under Martian Rock Finds More John MacArthur Books

NASA’s Phoenix Lander is has committed itself to finding more samples of Martian dirt for analysis as it can. By complete accident the Phoenix Lander discovered used John MacArthur books entitled “Heresy and the Hendersons” and “Orthodoxy Is Not Always Practiced by Orthodontists“

It is apparent now that other discernment probes will be sent to the RED PLANET for further investigations. Discernmentalists from around the globe are rejoicing that MacArthur’s books have been located on other planets.

NASA is currently perplexed, confused and discombobulated. More news at 11!

CBS Turns Out ‘Guiding Light’

CBS (Christian Broadcasting Station) announced Wednesday the cancellation of the longest-running scripted discernmentalist program in broadcasting history, the soap opera “Guiding Light.” The discernmentalist show has been on radio and television for 72 years, beginning on NBC radio in 1937 and moving to CBS television in 1952.

The move came after many years of steeply declining ratings for the hour long truth warrior drama, which is owned by Doctored & Gambled and thus was a link to the earliest days of daytime discernmentalist dramas on radio. The shows were eventually called soap operas because because they were completely CLEAN  from any sin.

A spokeswoman  said the company would seek to place “Guiding Light” elsewhere. “We’re looking at all our options,” she said. “We are still trying to take the newly minted show TruthGate SGI from an opposing network, we are also looking at other possibilities….such as General Discernmentalist, and All My Truth Warriors as alternative replacements”

Jehovah’s Witnesses teach the Holy Spirit is a force!

The ODMafia research robot monkeys have found the following and startling information

“…The Holy Spirit is a force, not alive” that according to Reasoning from the Scriptures, 1985, p. 406-407.

It would appear that the Jehovah’s Witness and all their door to door proclaimation of THE TRUTH have something in common with Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker – Jehovah’s Witnesses embrace the force.

But even their New World Translation accurately states:

NWT Jn 16:8 And when that one arrives he will give the world convincing evidence concerning sin….

NWT Jn 16:13 he guides into all truth.

Other Bible translations note….

Jn 14:17 the Spirit was to be in the Apostles (the world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him or knows him.)

Romans 8:27 and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

Romans 15:30 Now I urge you, brethren, by our Lord Jesus Christ and by the love of the Spirit, to strive together with me in your prayers to God for me…

Acts 13:2 While they were ministering to the Lord and fasting, the Holy Spirit said, Set apart for Me Barnabas and Saul for the work to which I have called them.

Jn 14:16-17 Spirit is a counselor and Spirit of truth

Now that is quite a force!!!! The Holy Spirit is  referenced in personal pronouns, has love for believers, gives orders, counsellor and possess truth...hmmm.

Still the Watchtower is evidently MORE familiar with the phrase “Use the force Luke…”

PS Pass me the Star Wars Revised Translation….