Trio of actors ready for “Clash of the Discernmentalists”

 

LOS ANGELES  -Several famous discernmentalists are joining the cast of  a rebooted “Clash of the Discernmentalists“,” the real life story of Geek-gods (not Greek because we know Greeks are all pagans) of discernmentalism epic being directed by Ingrid Schrueter of Slice of Laodicea fame.

The rumoured plot is as follows….

Eric Barger stars as himself (but nicknamed Perseus) is surrounded by several characters include Ken Silva, and myself (Truthslayer) who embarks on a quest to discernmentalize the church. Rick Warren one of America’s most recognizable faces, will play the one of the main Stygian Witches as he normally plays in real life. Gregory Boyd, and Bill Hybels make cameo appearances and are said to play Warren’s evil underlings.

Along the way our hero’s discover that CS Lewis (known in the movie as CS Kraken) under the cloak of Christianity has penned several pagan novels (rumoured to be promoted by Rick Warren) CS Kraken must be taken down before his insidious literature infects the world at large with ideas that are not permitted. But before long the discernmentalists begin to have disputes over the finer points of theology concerning Poseidon and water baptism. The great clash is climaxed regarding water baptism;  should it be complete immersion, hosing or sprinkling? The gloves then come off over Arminianism vs Calvinism and dan Kimball’s hair…… CS Lewis is conveniently blamed for the dispute due to being an Anglican (ie Church of England). The plot apparently collapses here where the movie takes a segue in an unexpected direction as blood and guts are spilled from both “heros and villains” over a variety of non-essential issues.

Heck I didn’t write the movie – don’t blame me for the for confusion.

 

 

Evolutionary Ladder of Discernmentalism

Slice of Laodicea (SoL) Builds Commune…Denies New Monasticism

SoL is so sickened over the state of the spiritual apostasy that they have decided to leave the world and join a commune. Our keen researchers have discovered that SoL has had enough of the “Purpose-Driven hirelings, Defenders of X-Rated Driscoll, America’s Spiritual Tower of Babel, the Usual Suspects, marketing blowout of  thinly disguised gathering for pastors, dreadlocks, left-wingers, socialism, suntans, spiritually aberrant speakers, emerging evangelical apostasy and people from New Jersey.”

SoL reportedly said (according to a neighbour) “we need to stay away from sinners, and Babble-on. We are the only remaining pure group in the world and therefore we need to remain so. “This is not New Monasticism…” a spokesman announced, “it is SoL’ism.” SoL has not announced where they will move to however they are considering three distinct places to avoid contamination; Utah, the moon or even Mars. The latter two will require technology from Take A Stand Ministries Bible Based Satellite (BS).

HANDLING DISUNITY (RICK WARREN’S WAY)

Eric Barger’s Take A Stand Ministries (TSM) using the specially made Bible Belt in Conjunction with their Bible Based Satellite (BS) have insightfully concluded that Rick Warren may be in league with the devil, or one of his colleagues who is frankly unbiblical or at least likes Obama. Thankfully the Online Discernmentalist Mafia is in an entirely different league all together (ie the little league).

Nevertheless Warren according to Team TSM has written a ‘love’ letter that finds common ground with Muslims. We at the Online Discernmentalist Mafia reject love letters, any commonality with our enemies, and sinners. We refuse to find any common ground…we do not have to due to our incredible truth insights. Just because St. Paul made the mistake of finding commonality with pagan sinners (or quoting from them) does NOT mean that we should stoop that low. We are above that.

We have come up with a solution for Eric Barger’s Take A Stand Ministries…and it should work for us too! The ODMafia is soooo truthy that we disdain the ground that the unrighteous walk on (ie most other Christian ministries, Christians, non-Christians and readers that disagree with us.) Because ODMafia is so bible based and embracing of absolute truth that we have invented a BIBLE BASED JET PACK so that we can avoid the ground that is polluted by people who like Rick Warren etc.(also Rob Bell, NT Wright, John Stott, Gregory Boyd and James MacDonald).

In addition, the Online Discernmentalist Mafia is officially against the ground from here on in…and groundless accusations (against us of course!!!!), or anyone who thinks that they stand on solid ground.  

Thank-you Lord that we are NOT like those people, we fast, pray, tithe….we are generally swell.

 

Dear ODMafia

Dear ODMafia,

Someone is attending my church that wears jeans, a nose ring and is a “little off.” What should I do?

Jeff

Truthslayer: Jeff, first of all a person wearing jeans and a nose ring does not belong in the church.  They need to get spiritually clean first before coming to another worship service….that means dressing right. (no jeans or  nose rings) Second, as for being a “little off” I will assume that means that they are either socially awkword or there is some gay issue. Either way it may be time to judge them.

Finally, make sure you grow a backbone or a spine and run them out of the church until this person changes his behaviour. Keep in touch and let us know if you need any help extracting this person from the congregation.

The Emergence of Postmodern Apostles of Belief

ODMafia has discovered a new twist to the Emerging church and have found “The Emergence of Postmodern Apostles of Belief” that is right folks…. Using specially made discernment technology there is indeed post-modern apostles of belief! We don’t like what we have found, and we will try to discount or ignore the evidence.

Post-moderns CAN believe in God too….but we still think they are apostate because the word ‘post-modern’ sounds bad. We’d prefer the mythology that post-modern is a flight from reason in contrast to the following by Ben Witherington:

“What then is post-modernity? Post-modernity, sometimes called After-Modernity neither involves a flight from reason back into faith, nor a rejection of reason in favor of faith, but rather an attempt to get beyond the impasse….post-moderns look at life as not primarily involving an allegiance to some sub-set of humanity, but rather to the human race in general. The post-modern worldview transcends hard line nationalisms of any sort, or to speak in more American and religious terms it seeks to get beyond the pigeonholing of persons, including that particularly Protestant sort of pigeonholing called denominationalism.”

We spent billions of dollars borrowing Eric Barger’s Bible Based Satellite System (BS) in order to discover these special apostles and avoid any serious critique of post-modernism But we fear that there is a software error and that these apostate post-moderns may well be believers. This is outrageous!

Here us now….believe us later.

The Emergence of Postmodern Apostles of Unbelief

Slice of Laodicea (SoL), citing Apprising Ministries notes “Apprising Ministries shares some thoughts in this brief missive contrasting the embrace of of alleged mystery in the postliberal Emergence like Rob Bell with real men of God like Charles Spurgeon.” While ODMafia recognizes that both the Apostle James and Paul call us NOT to compare one Christian to another…we will ignore these men in the light of expert discernmentalists such as Apprising and SoL.

We are still perplexed by the post-liberal reference. What exactly is a post-liberal? Although most realize that I have an answer for everything I had to go on a research mission unfolding the “eleged mystery” so here it goes…

Post-liberalism: “Partly a reaction to the modern, individualist, rationalist and romantic trends…In contrast to liberal individualism, postliberalism tends toward more tradition-constituted and communitarian accounts of human rationality and personhood….The postliberals argue that the Christian faith be equated with neither the religious feelings of Romanticism nor the propositions of a Rationalist or fundamentalist approach to religion.” Hmmm sounds like an escape from enlightenment thinking – clearly a DANGEROUS movement.

Therefore we are not sure than if Apprising and SoL are attempting to insult Rob Bell (but if history is our guide – we do thank them for their post-haste effort!) – but may not be working in their favour! It is also clear that they are not too clear on the term post-liberalism other than it sounds sophisticated. The ODMafia does not blame them since we also like to use words that make us look smart (its hard to do!!!!)

Clearly we see the emergence of post-modern apostles of unbelief. Believe it or not!

Online discernmentalist ministries builds straw man

The Online Discernmentalist Mafia in conjunction with Apprising Ministries, Abomination Nation, Eric Barger’s Take a Stand Ministries, Herescope, Slice of Laodicea and Paul Proctor have secretly built a straw man….to burn down. We would like to caution that this is not an ordinary straw man. It stands 25 ft tall, built out of wood chips, discarded lumber and 80% heresy-free straw….and of course shaped like a man. A real strawman with a backbone! Apprising Ministries REFUSED to build this Straw Man without a backbone.

I quoted myself (no one better to quote) insightfully suggesting “A straw man argument is an informal fallacy based on misrepresentation of an opponent’s.”  Like other ODMs, we at the ODMAfia enjoy misrepresenting our opponents because winning at all costs and being right is vital to our discernmentalist ministry of truth. Fabrication, misleading representations, misunderstood statements and placing words in the mouths of our victims apostates is important to sustain our very truth loving ministries that we support. ODMs rest on the foundations of such virtues!

We also believe that we NEED to be perceived as being correct 100% of the time and do not approve of ANY dissent – this may lead to thinking and evaluating truth for yourselves (which we FORBID). 

A special thanks must be said to ITodyaso. He made an exceptional donation of $320,000 to fund the project. We think he had to sell a family member to do it, but heck he’s loyal to ODMs. Thanks ITodyaso…I just hope you didn’t dip into my bank account….again!

Slice of Laodicea, Apprising Ministries Fixated With Spines and Warren!!

The ODMAfa Research Robot Monkeys have noted that Apprising Ministries has referenced the word “spine” in its many forms over the past few years. Slice of Laodicea has appears to be getting in on this fashionable trend….just when we thought that ODMs were always attempting to avoid trendy movements and clichés

 ”Joseph Farah in today’s commentary at WorldnetDaily addresses the real problem in this country—hireling, spineless pastors.” In some strange and illogical connection (which we fully endorse) they noted that Rick Warren, failing to uphold scripture has according to SoL “contributing richly to the moral chaos in this country. He knows exactly what he’s doing. It’s his followers that seem to be clueless.”

SoL in its ever growing insightfulness has nailed down the problems in America: RICK WARREN!

Warren is causing moral chaos. 

Warren is likely to blame of the economic fall-out too.

Warren also kills little puppies when no one is watching.

Warren has a secret remote-control that operates Obama who IS really an android.

We MUST stop the WARREN menace!

PS for more “spine” references click here

 

SoL NOT A Discernment Ministry

Slice of Laodicea (SoL) claims that it is NOT a discernment ministry rather it is a “a non-interactive news and commentary site regarding the state of the contemporary evangelical church.”

A)     Non-interactive means that you cannot provide public feedback thereby controlling the information that is piped to your mind (ie thought control)

B)     Commentary means that one comments on particular events in the contemporary evangelical scene (ie observations, notes, remarks) But we suppose that they are NOT discerning remarks???

What ODMafia would like to know is that is the difference between commentary (ie notes, ideas and views) and discernment?

Is SoL therefore NOT applying discernment when reviewing articles but simply placing random words together?

Regardless, ODMAFIA fully endorses random ideas, incoherence and muddle thinking when it comes to defending the truth!

SoL provides commentary but not discernment? So what SoL is saying is that it is NOT discerning? I would agree that SoL’s LACK of discernment would CERTAINLY be coherent with SoL and their goals.

However, as a supporter of ODMs we stick together in perfect unity and I must pledge my full and blinding allegiance to Slice of Laodicea.