August 31, 2009
Discernmentalists everywhere…..we are coming under attack once more. Gay scientists (very militant ones) are involved in very intense research….behind closed doors.
Who is behind this research….view it for yourself!
CNNN reports that Christians are the result of a “Christian Gene,” rather that a spiritual transformation. This is outrageous since we all know that true Christians don’t even wear jeans.
I’m asking discernmentalists everywhere to produce tracts, websites, and polished DVDs refuting this lie…and immediately start taking this to the pulpits. We will also have to gather true believers together for protests across the continent.
PS We will also be handing out gay repellent spray….just in case.
August 31, 2009
Discernmentalist have been coming under fire from various groups that oppose truth. When we expose the lies and the lives of others to the truth of the bible, mobs sometimes get angry, individuals get upset and occasionally some even try to sue us with a crazy law-suit….or worse.
These days (the roughest and toughest for truth warriors), we are often marginalized, and harassed by emergent church members, post-moderns, freakin liberals and Shane Claiborne types (ie people who wear natural fibers). For our safety we can now go to the truth-aid booths (or truth booths for short) for rest from attacks from people are obviously from the camp of the apostates.
The truth booths offer a relaxing atmosphere of piped in Bible expositions from John MacArthur (100% Brian McLaren, James MacDonald Free) and C.H. Spurgeon Devotionals.
It just makes us sick that we had to build these truth-aid booths.
August 30, 2009
Internet shopping for heretics
Users of social networks are giving away vital information about themselves and their whereabouts that is being used by Discernmentalists to create a list of heretics, according to a new report by the British-based ministry Legalism & Over-generalization.
The report “The Digital Discernmentalist,” found 38 percent of users of sites such as Facebook and Twitter have posted status updates detailing their theology and 33 percent have posted status updates saying they are looking for a new church.
In addition, 23 percent of social media users have discussed theology “wall-to-wall” outside the privacy of their own page and 17 percent have reported seeing people’s theology posted on pages that can be seen by strangers.
“There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that Discernmentalists are using social networks to develop relationships with people to identify likely heretics,” said Michael Stalker, reformed Discernmentalist and star of the BBC’s “Beat the Discernmentalist” series.
“It is incredibly easy to use social networking sites to target people, and then scope out more information on their actual beliefs using other internet sites like Google Street View, all from the comfort of the sofa.”
August 30, 2009
This is the latest in anti-gay, lesbian, bisexual and trans-gender equipment that any real Bible worshipping church should have. We all know our worst fear is that some GLBT will walk through the doors of our sinless church and corrupt the purity hate we have nurtured by OUR DOCTRINES. We give you the Gaydar Tester. Yes just place each of these devices by every door of your church and we guarantee it will chase off any GLBT from your church, parish or synagogue. We guarantee that 1 in 10 people that pass through your door will be outed and never come back again.
We only charge by the number of gays you chase away from Jesus!
August 30, 2009
The Direct Doctrine Wave Cap: Is your congregation wandering away from YOUR TRUTH? Many people will not subject themselves to actual brain implants. This handy device is hardly noticeable. All you do is ask the congregation to put on their discernmentalist caps and then send DOCTRINE WAVES (DW©) straight into their brains. These DW© bypass the heart so that certain doctrines do not effect it. Yes dear pastor, you will have complete control over your congregation and you will not have to trouble with that pesky Holy Spirit changing the hearts or teaching (rather unteaching) all you have invested in these trusting people. With the Direct DOCTRINE WAVE machine we who love control are in control. Also available if you act now the handy Radio Remote to remotely direct your congregation outside the church. While you control the person they will be pumped with feelings of guilt for not doing enough work for you and the church.
This is a $3000 value for only $25 a month for 15 years.* Supply is limited so act fast!
*Interest is compounded at 10% per month.
August 28, 2009
You will recall that The Fall Guy starring Rick Warren was about a mega-church evangelist, stunt-man & author…who took it in the chin each week when he was attacked by people who KNEW the Truth – Discernmentalists.
Each week we would learn something new and wrong about the fall guy.
He was the guy discernmentalists loved to hate….and rightfully so. We discernmentalists are above other Christians (because we are a ministry) and can determine who to love and who to hate and judge. ODMafia loved watching the TV show because we were some of the original writers offering a variety of ways to undermine Rick Warren as The Fall Guy.
By making him look bad….made us look good.
August 27, 2009
The ODMafia is always improving technology, detecting false teaching and keeping you safe so that you don’t have to think for yourselves. Our skunk-works R & D Labs work tirelessly for you. Our research robot monkey’s never sleep. But because we are so dedicated (unlike other discernmentalists) we have created an amazing heresy-roof-repeller using Take A Stand’s Bible Based Satellite System (BS). This roof can filter out 99% of all heresy. Yes you have read it right – this roof is Rob Bell, Gregory Boyd, Charles Colson, Richard Foster, NT Wright, Brian McLaren, John Stott , Charles Swindoll and Dan Kimball proof. In fact Obama’s speeches are also filtered out as well (a bonus!) and become Republican speeches.
Remember, don’t do all that hard work of thinking and praying yourself….let us do it all and the discernmentalizing for you. Relax, sit back and imbibe our teachings. Remember purchase your Heresy House Repeller today!
August 26, 2009
The ODmafia education is an elite Ivy League Education….not the poison Ivy that one would get from OTHER universities. Here you get the unblemished, non-varnished, untarnished TRUTH. That is why we offer the prestigious Diploma of Overgenerealizations. In fact we are the Ivy League Discernmentalism of Education! When we speak, people pay attention.
Diploma of Overgenerealizations will give the keen discernmentalist the ability to over weigh a subject, stretch it beyond its context and alter all meaning behind imposed on the subject. Moreover, you will learn to draw conclusions that are not meant to be there. In other words we encourage our students to rely heavily on their imaginations because when you graduate that is all that you will have.
Best of luck! And when we mean luck we mean it in the most non-mystical way possible.
We believe that Discerning the World has earned this degree with high honours! Congrats!
August 25, 2009
Discernmentalists everywhere…..you NEED to know that you are currently under threat. A log removal device has been spotted. This will remove a log from your eye instantly allowing you to see things in a way that discernmentalists don’t: objectively.
Remember, we discernmentalists use the bible in isolation (sort of like in a vacuum, but a biblical one) with no historical, cultural, linguistic background or other bible tools (like thinking) or commentaries….we also do not care for the insights from others….because we have the answers already pre-made. We don’t need to listen. We know. We have direct revelation. We have the 411 on everything. Trust me.
Remember, if the log is removed the discernmentalist ministry could potentially collapse. Beware of this device, stay clear!
Log bearers UNITE!