Our Goal For A Post-Emergent Church

The Post-Emergent Church

The Post-Emergent Church Of The Future—For old people that never grow out of their youth. A non-seeker-sensitive approach to church: How to lose friends and alienate people. The Post-Emergent Church will return us back to fundamentalism while still remaining relevant. Praise Hymn Rock Songs Include:

  • In Awe Of Thy 600+ Commandments, Praise Jesus 25x Chorus, Jesus Is Coming Now Grab Your Guns, We’re Old But We’re Still Young In Church, A Mighty Fortress Is Our Bible, I Saw Jesus Shoot A Heretic But He Did Not Shoot The Deputy, We Hold The Absolute Truth And So Can You, We’ll Annoy You With One More Praise Chorus, We Wish You A Servetus Barbecue, O I Hope My Shoe Is Holey Enough For The Rapture and Raise A Banner Of War On The Non-Elect

Confession of Faith: Legalism is Lord. Church services will include inquisitions on non-believers followed by forced baptisms. Afterwards, we’ll have a pot luck lunch. Everyone wins—souls that is! Rainbow wigs available after your first forced communion.

 

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4 Responses to Our Goal For A Post-Emergent Church

  1. brambonius says:

    if this is the alternative, can you then please give me the adress of an emergent church here in belgium please?

  2. itodyaso says:

    brambonius,

    Just look for the building that says, “Waffles” as that would be what they do in the church with “certainty”… NOW LAUGH!

    I. Todyaso

  3. Arthur McJohn says:

    Brambonius:
    Your country is itself liberal and pussy, so it’s pretty much like an emerging church

  4. brambonius says:

    Worse, my country is secular, post-catholic and atheist right now… and before that we were catholic, and we don’t really have traditional protestant churches…

    guess that makes me doomed?

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