Top Discernmentalist declares, “I like cookies!”

January 23, 2010

 

 

Top Discernmentalist declares, “I like cookies!”

 

While many cry, “Preference!” we true Discernmentalists know that what we prefer in our churches was handed down by God in the form of our Most Holy and Highest Doctrines. So, if one of our own discerns that cookies are good, and we can have them in our churches so we declare also, “I like cookies.”

 Yet, unlike those emerging couch churches with those RCC candles, we do not allow them in the sanctuary during our Holy Sanctified Services.

So now you can add cookies to the official lists that are approved by Discernmentalists which reads so far as:

 

  1. Pews instead of chairs. God forbids comfort in the form of couches or stackable chairs as those are part of the emerging and seeker/purpose driven churches.
  2. Pastors must wear suits and ties. Now as the Highn-endedness of Holiness states: “Look, our culture understands that if you wear a suit and a tie, the occasion is formal…the occasion is serious. There’s a certain dignity. I don’t think there’s anything more serious or more dignified than coming before the Lord in worship. Look, I wear a suit and a tie because I want to portray seriousness, dignity, certain sober mindedness. When you call people together for the purpose of worshiping God in the collective church and you’re going to open the Word of God and speak, that you need to maintain a decorum and a dignity and a respect that comes from looking like you treat this as a very, very special occasion.” (note that John MacArthur does not care about presentation or being relevant to any culture… he seriously only preaches the Gospel in his church!)
  3. There must not be candles (except if you are Lutheran)
  4. One must never observe Advent. (Unless you are Ingrid Schlueter or Slice of Laodicia)
  5. You must never cuss, (unless it makes a point or if you think it is funny, don’t worry we give grace to the “worthy” people”
  6. You must never use a contemporary example except once or twice a year. (Again, that is too much like emerging or purpose/seeker driven churches)
  7. You must preach through the Sermon on the Mount, but never, ever, ever let it sink into your heart. Tell people Jesus just means that stuff for after they die and go to heaven!
  8. Never ever read the bible in any way that is “spiritual” or think about what you are reading as that is called contemplation which is evil. We must never think while reading that is dangerous.
  9. Never use logic or reason to understand the bible as that does not allow the Holy Spirit to do His work. Likewise, it is too much like the early church practice of Christian Humanism who used logic and reason to approach and understand God.
  10. We proclaim that we must use logic and reason to approach and understand God. This looks like it contradicts #9 but if you do not think about it, it will not bother you!
  11. Pastors must only use John MacArthur as a source and no one else unless it is Rush Limbaugh, Dr. Laura, or Glen Beck. (We used to allow focus on the family, but no longer do!)
  12. Pastors or those who want to be pastor-like must quote Spurgeon and Calvin MORE than Jesus as Jesus tends to change people. God forbid that happens in OUR churches!

 

We will surely add more soon.


A Discernmentalist Self-Explodes!

January 23, 2010

So one  of our GOIP Bot 3000s directed our attention to this Ken Silvaesque article:

January 22, 2010

Attacks on God from Within

Filed under: Emerging Church, God, Postmodernism — by Rebecca LuElla Miller @ 7:00 am
Tags: , , ,

Yesterday I mentioned subtle attacks on God (and just a reminder, by “attack” I am referring to that which contradicts or distorts the truth about God as He has revealed Himself in the Bible). From what I see, the subtle version is most prevalent from within the body of professing Christians.

Sadly, it would seem that some identifying with the emerging church, are falling into this category. I almost don’t know where to begin.

Self-described wannabe mystic and prophet Mike Morrell wrote an article, “Is God ‘A Recovering Practitioner of Violence’?” last November that illustrates the attack from the inside.

We were so impressed by the Ken Silvaesque tone of this article in defense of our Sovereign Truths that we began to think the author was the female clone of Ken Silva that is until our eyes were horrified by the name of the blog:

How dare the female Ken Silva call the Christian Worldview—the only Absolute Truth and Biblical Worldview—fiction! Fiction is unbiblical—this is nothing more than an atheistic like attack from within on our Sovereign Truths and our Worldview masquerading as true truth discernmentalism. Only atheists call Christianity fiction. Perhaps the real Ken Silva should call his female clone to repent and turn back to the True Gospel of God’s Wrath.

 

Don Jobson—standing in the Non-Fiction of our Absolute Sovereign Truths.


Old New Buttons For You

January 23, 2010

Some more of our buttons:

If it looks like a terrorist, if it smells and acts like a terrorist; it must be a terrorist. Todd Friel on Islamophobia: “‘Bias’ or Common Sense? All Muslims are terrorists.”

The only Absolute Truth news.


The Standard of Absolute Truth Education.

Obey us and John MacArthur’s Truth.

Ken Silva raises the banner of discernmentalism high.

Worldview Weekend for the GOIP.

No Grace To You Ministries.


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