Be A Literalist!: Part 2

May 15, 2010

 

 

“I actually do think parts of the Bible are more valuable than others, more inspired than others. In fact, I think that some parts of the Bible have been put aside by the Christian revelation.”—Quote by Cecil Sherman, your typical Anti-Bible Biblically Illiterate unregenerate non-Christian Liberal Baptist apostate reprobated and heathen  heretic

 

Pre-requisites for this course: one must have completed the following courses—our course  on Absolute Truth and our course on Discernmentalist Church History 101 or candidates for this course must at  least have a sufficient and  satisfactory grasp on Discernmentalese: the official jargon that we use around here. Your Discernmentalese must be approved by your official instructors: the esteemed Dr. Truthslayer, the wise Dr. Arthur McJohn, the illustrious Dr. I. Todyaso and yours truly the pithy Dr. Don Jobson. Candidates for this course must have also completed part 1 of our course on Bible Literalism.

Your official instruction: We must think only in binary terms. Everything is black and white, either this or that—there are no in-betweens. Brainiac our field agent for Todd Friel (Wretched) says:

The literal sense is the only honest way to read. Honestly, the literal sense is literally the only honest way to read. If you care what the author said, read literally. If you do not care what the author said, do not bother reading.

We agree as metaphors do not exist in the Discernmentalist Worldview. Everything literally means what it says as long as it doesn’t clash with our Pure Doctrines and even if it does we’ll find some way to spin it literally such as: “Οὕτως γὰρ ἠγάπησεν ὁ Θεὸς τὸν κόσμον, ὥστε τὸν Υἱὸν τὸν μονογενῆ ἔδωκεν, ἵνα πᾶς ὁ πιστεύων εἰς Αὐτὸν μὴ ἀπόληται ἀλλ᾽ ἔχῃ ζωὴν αἰώνιον” doesn’t literally mean “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life”—but literally means that God literally loves and literally only died for the Elect and the Elect only literally.

Eventhough Jesus literally said “This Is My Body” which literally interpreted means exactly what it says that the bread in Communion is literally Jesus’ literal Body, we must take a self-righteous stand in our Truth Wars and come against the Eucharist/Real Presence as it literally has no place in our Pure Bibles. A literal interpretation of  “This Is My Body” literally clashes with the literalness of our Pure Doctrines. John MacArthur told us so and if he says it—it must literally be by default True because anything he literally says he speaks ex cathedra  and all that he speaks is ex cathedra not to mention literally infallible Absolute Truth. However we  Discernmentalists don’t need to appeal to John MacArthur to know that this is literally True. It is literally True because We Say and believe It is literally True.

We Know that in Psalm 137:9 God literally commands us to “take our babies and smash them against the rocks!”—though we literally stand against abortion. We Know that I Timothy 1:9-10 is literally about gay marriage. Everything in the Bible is about our American Gospel and can literally be summed up by our moral stances in Politics. However when Jesus says “Sell all your possessions and give to the Poor and follow Me (Matt. 19:16-26;Luke 12:33-34 and 14:33) ” He doesn’t literally mean that.  We  like the parts of the Bible that fit our Pure Doctrines but ignore the verses that we do not agree with, that do not make us comfortable in our American values and/or do not back up our Discernmentalist Worldview.

Our interpretive lens of the Bible is flawless and therefore Inerrant for the Bible and not Jesus is literally the literal Word of God (John 1:1) as John MacArthur literally states:

Neo-orthodoxy’s attitude toward Scripture is a microcosm of the entire existentialist philosophy: the Bible itself is not objectively the Word of God, but it becomes the Word of God when it speaks to me individually. In neo-orthodoxy, that same subjectivism is imposed on all the doctrines of historic Christianity. Familiar terms are used, but are redefined or employed in a way that is purposely vague—not to convey objective meaning, but to communicate a subjective symbolism. After all, any “truth” theological terms convey is unique to the person who exercises faith. What the Bible means becomes unimportant. What it means to me is the relevant issue. All of this resoundingly echoes Kierkegaard’s concept of “truth that is true for me.”

Thus while neo-orthodox theologians often sound as if they are affirming traditional beliefs, their actual system differs radically from the historic understanding of the Christian faith. By denying the objectivity of truth, they relegate all theology to the realm of subjective relativism. It is a theology perfectly suited for the age in which we live.

And that is precisely why it is so deadly.

This is why we must always interpret the Bible literally except for when it literally disagrees with our Pure Doctrines so take heart fellow Discernmentalists and remember these wise  and literal words of Brainiac:

Be a literalist. Read the Bible literally. If anyone objects, ask him if you should consider his objection literally. Or, you can explain that the Bible is literature, and that there is no other way to read it but literally.


John MacArthur Declared The First Ever Discernmentalist Pope!

May 15, 2010

 

John  MacArthur aka Pope Pyro after being elected to the position of the first ever Pope of Discernmentalists! Photo courtesy of Pyromaniac Archives. Photographer: Ken Silva.

(Annoying News: a  ministry of disseminating misinformation, lies and slander while apprising everyone to follow only the cults of celebrity in the Discernmentalist World )–  Normally we are against all things Roman Catholic except in special circumstances ie. our dependence on Saint Augustine’s interpretation of Aristotelian philosophy or R. C.  Sproul’s love of Aquinas. This is one of those times when these special circumstances may be applied against our normative Absolute Rules. After Discernmentalists  declared John MacArthur 100% infallible by a voting margin of 100-0 this Jan., it was proclaimed that the logical  conclusion of this recent  event was to elect MacArthur the first ever Discernmentalist Pope.

Ken Silva reports: “Indeed the word infallible applied to any person can only signify that one  has elicited the status of Pope-hood other than that infallibility must only be applied to our  Holy Inerrant Bible—the Only True Word of God.” 

Vicki, a typical McArthurite reacts to the news of the election of MacArthur as the first Discernmentalist Pope ever: 

Anyone who disagrees with John MacArthur on any point of Doctrine is just full of arrogance and condensation.

My understanding of the doctrine of election is not at all sinful–John MacArthur told me so.

Trusting too much to history and too little to the teaching of scripture would have left us in Rome–John MacArthur told me so.

There is a price a godly man must pay to be heard, that price is humility and respect.
If a man wants an audience to listen to his doctrine-he would do well to heed the following!

” Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.”
Titus 3:1-3 (ESV).— (Source).

Ken Silva asked Phil Johnson aka Pastor Hugh Jass or Spurgeon’s clone, MacArthur’s flunky lacky hindquarters right-hand man about his boss’s election to Discernmentalist Pope-hood. Phil responded: “Deep down I always knew that this day would come when he (MacArthur) would be elected Pope over all Discernmentalists and the Truth Wars as the #1 Truth Truth Warrior of Absolute Truth. I wholeheartedly support the recent vote on the infallibility of my boss and his election to the office of Discernmentalist Pope.”

Ken Silva pressed the rest of the fine, outstanding, Discernmentalist-minded and Biblically based Pyromaniacs crew: Frank Turk and Dan Phillips et al. on their thoughts but they were unavailable to comment.

————————————————————————-

Ken Silva is the exclusive  author of Annoying News. He is a Master Discerner of all. When he is not discernmentalizing the 99% of humanity who do not agree with him, you can usually  find him preaching to the choir of the small Southern Baptist Church of 8 members that he pastors. Sometimes he uses a Truth Rod–although this may just be a rumor.


The Original Ten Commandments Recovered

May 15, 2010

Finally there’s a version of the Ten Commandments that True Discernmentalists can back…thanks to our Top Secret Agents who have been busy at work saving our Pure Bibles from Red Letter Christian bafoons who are out to destroy the Church with a Socialist False Gospel. Thankfully we have recoved the Ten Commandments from the corrupted liberal biased version which has crept into our Modern Bibles—so without further ado here are the Ten Commandments in their Pure Unadulterated Original Form:

I. “I am the Lord thy God; thou shalt have as many guns as possible before me.”

II. “Thou shalt not support socialist programs. They art evil in mine eyes. Thou shalt not believe any of that “meek inherit the earth” garbage later on! The meek should get jobs and stop living off welfare.”

III. “Thou shalt listen to Bill O’Reilly and keep him holy.”

IV. “Honor thy father and thy mother, especially if they are former presidents as you will inherit the job from them later.”

V. “Thou shalt kill Muslims. Let’s face it, they art all probably terrorists anyway.”

VI. “Thou shalt not utter the word torture. It is an abomination! Thou shalt refer to it as “harsh interrogation” or “just high spirits”. Thou shalt remember that water boarding and being stripped naked in a human pyramid buildeth character, so it’s all harmless fun.”

VII. “Thou shalt not care about the environment. Believe me, I’m God and I invented it and I can tell thee that it’s completely over rated and thou wilt not miss it when it’s gone.”

VIII. “Thou shalt not lead the nation into a war with false information unless thou art really sure Halliburton will profit from it.”

IX. “Thou shalt not teach children to use condoms or let gay people marry. And while thou art at it, thou shalt teach intelligent design in schools. Show both sides of the controversy”

X. “Thou shalt covet thy neighbor’s oil”

And remember Liberal Hunting Season has offically opened!


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