Are you ready? Here is our list of what one must do to be ready in order to prepare for the blessed rapture:
Unconditionally support every act of Israel even their acts of terrorism
Unconditionally support USA-brand Imperialism
Vote Obama and every Democrat out of office
Smoke a Spurgeon-approved cigar
Buy 667 copies of John MacArthur’s book The Truth War: Fighting for Certainty in an Age of Deception and leave one copy everywhere you go just in case one of the regenerate predestined Elect accidently stumbles upon a copy and awakens to their status of being among the regenerate predestined Elect
Outlaw all abortion and homosexuality
Use only a King James AV1611 Bible or ESV
Burn any copy of Rick Warren’s Purpose Driven Life, Brian McLaren’s books or any other Emergent type book that you come across preferably while performing a Bible-Based animal sacrifice or while burning Emergent heretics themselves
Read only the Online Discernmentalist Mafia, The Official Blog Of God’s Only Inerrant Party, Ken Silva and other ODMs to get your facts]
Continue to be ever-vigilant and ever-valiant in your stand for our Absolute Biblical Truth
Point Number 1) We are Neither, a 1, 2 ,3 or 4 solas alone.
Point Number 2) We are Neither 5.1, or 4.9, but 5 solas alone
Point Number 3) We believe in Sola energy, alone.
Point Number 4) Our Solas are pure Solas. These solas are alone.
Point Number 5) Our Sola’s are by themselves. Apart. Alone. So alone they are lonely.
We alone truly assent to these 5 solas alone. It is simply because we are so biblical. We are extra concerned (more so than the Concerned Nazerenes). We Take A Stand, where mere mortals simply want to sit. We have a backbone for apprising the truth, when others have none. We refuse to take a small slice from laodicea, and will not tolerate the use of a herescope.We do this alone. We exemplify the 5 solas.
We believe that as a truth warrior, we have the right to be inconsistent. For instance, we can state that we must agree on essentials, and if need be fight over non-essentials….but yet in the next breath fight over non-essentials and defend our inconsistency as consistency. In fact we have the right to switch terms, play word games, mind games and reindeer games as needed. As long as we are defending the truth, we can bend the rules at will. Truth is weak and must be defended from the hordes (ie all those we disagree with) – that is anyone who asks difficult questions, thinks outside the box and try to upset the status quo.
Truthslayer
PS Don’t disagree with us. Make your life more truthful by assenting to everything that we teach here at ODMAfia. Your soul with be soothed.
You know my pedigree. I was born via wedded bible believing Republican parents, and was baptized as an adult believer. Moreover, I am a true bible believing double predestination Calvinist who listens to John MacArthur on the radio every morning, Todd Friel in the afternoon, and Apprising and Eric Barger in the evenings. I’m a strict adherent to God’s word, particularly ignoring the beatitudes which are reserved only for liberals and emergents….I’m so devout that I go on persecution binges to tease out those false teachers and heretics – pretty much everyone except those whom I approve of. As you know I’m meticulous about my observance of the word and therefore I more than anyone else take a true stand in defending the truth and discernmentalism. Please join me in Taking A Stand.
Remember, never doubt me. Never question my articles or missives. They are right because I am right and have crystal clear discernmentalist qualities. Doubt me and you should doubt your faith, and secretly harbouring liberal viewpoints.
In this made for discernmentalist TV show “Hex in the City” features witches that are pursued by mighty truth warriors trained exclusively on Walter Martin cassette tapes. Each week these witches are found, exposed for their lack of truth and then condemned. Think if this as groundhog day for truth warriors. However, each episode approaches these vile witches from various angles – but nevertheless they are also condemned (each week) in creative ways as well….
There is never enough time to bludgeon heretics. Unfortunately, there is not enough time in a day to judge all false of their worldliness. But when we don’t have time to judge, point fingers and cry heresy there is a game to afford in advancing our discernmentalist skills. That is why ODMafia, in conjunction with ODM Games and Judgmental Pointing Devices has come up with a new game: BATTLE AXE.
Battle Axe, while fun for the whole ODM Family (TM), is at heart an educational discernmentalist game. First, you develop skills of speaking loudly but not listening. Second, you must follow this up by being very argumentative. Third and finally only then you must hone skills to attack, ravage, defame, and ostracize your opponent ….all the while allowing you to further increase your false accusations and skillfully articulate your verbal abusive acuity. Indeed, the experts in this game are able to cloak gossip & slander in the guise and claims of mighty righteousness and ministry. If you get that far in this game and equally disparage your opponent… you have won the game and are ready for real life discernmentalism.
Fellow discernmentalists….we are under attack (AGAIN!!!!!) Our research robot monkeys found the following quote to prove that our mighty ministries are being undermined:
Emphasis here on calling TRUTH WARRIORS PHARISEES (evidence #1) and therefore this attacker of truth will WRITE/BLOG (evidence #2).Moreover, the lies continue with accusatory remarks of “sillyness” and references to us being a “bully pulpit ” (evidence #3). We may be called bullies because you are too weak to stand for the truth…but we….WE are are not bullies. We are simply bold in the truth and you are too weak kneed and spineless to Take A Stand. This blogger obviously did not learn true apologetics from Walter Martin Cassette Tapes.
I cannot stand these ingrates attacking Online Discernment Ministerial truth. It just makes me sick to my stomach to listen to such venom.
Therefore I am calling all true discernmentalists together for the mother (not Mary mother of Jesus) of all true wars.
Truthslayer
PS this notorious attacker of truth also suggested that truth warriors like us should try humility. That is subversive talk to shut us up. Its another way of warping the bible to keep bullies for truth quiet. We won’t stand for it.
In an unexpected turn of events the Emerging Church is secretly merging back into Evnagelicalism using stealth morph technology originally used by Eric Bargers Take A Stand Ministries to spy on Emergents. In a recent interview, our research robot monkeys disguised as penguins interviewed a man that looked like Dan Kimball. He was reported to state the following “My secret subversive plan has been unfolding during the last ten years. Soon I will rise from the fringes (no direct reference to Dan’s fringe leather jacket), and declare myself pope mega-pastor of the evangelical world and usurp John MacArthur’s position as ultimate truth enforcer.” Our research robot monkeys were in utter shock and before Dan could execute this final, evil, emerging-horde plan began to pummel him with all the research robot monkey fisticuffs they could muster. Dan raised a false-Jesus-bobble head to ward off attack. Just like those emergents to do such a thing!!!
Word has it that Dan (obviously having dark supernatural powers) still plans to dismantle 10,000 emerging churches and reassemble them without notice in evangelical churches (ie like the movie Transformer). We also believe that Dan may be an illegal immigrant….who slipped in from Canada.
We are scared.
Truthslayer (note that during the attack our robots de-cloaked to reveal their true monkey nature – not to be mixed up with evolution)
PS Special thanks to Andrew Moir who designed this especially effective ninja robot. Without this robot no one would have been able to pummel Dan Kimball biblically
Before you get all bent out of shape, please realize this is a satire site spoofing the so-called "discernment ministries" who deem themselves more worthy of Grace than the rest of us. So read and have fun! BTW, we are not against "good" discernment ministries that do actual real research and extend grace to others, only the bad ones.
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