When we finally contracted with Honda to built more robotic research monkeys it seems there was a major failure in communication on Honda’s part. We received hundreds of the research robutt monkeys by mistake. The upside is many ODM’s are now finding where their head has been over the last few years. Fortunately many ODM’s have not needed use of their heads and seem to want to keep the robutts for deeper research. We hope to put this horrible mistake (not ours) behind us and move forward in production of the Completely Reformed Auto Piloted Platformed Echo Response (C.R.A.P.P.E.R.) Research Monkeys. These monkeys are smaller and able to infiltrate any “emerging church”. These new C.R.A.P.P.E.R.’s will fling small Chick Tracts during Emergent Church services to bring truth to them. Though we are bummed a bit over the delay, we know that our C.R.A.P.P.E.R. Monkeys will be more reliable. In the meanwhile the robutt monkeys will continue to seek out every crack and crevice and bring back any nuggets they find. We know in the end we will get to the bottom of all this and spread our DOCTRINE and TRUTH far and wide.
Many people misunderstand what Jesus was actually teaching when he used wine as an example and when turned water into wine.
First let’s look as the first time Jesus talk’s about wine.
Matthew 9: 14Then(S) the disciples of John came to him, saying,(T) “Why do we and(U) the Pharisees fast,[c] but your disciples do not fast?” 15And Jesus said to them, (V) “Can the wedding guests mourn as long as the bridegroom is with them?(W) The days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from them, and(X) then they will fast. 16No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment, for the patch tears away from the garment, and a worse tear is made. 17Neither is new wine put into old(Y) wineskins. If it is, the skins burst and the wine is spilled and the skins are destroyed. But new wine is put into fresh wineskins, and so both are preserved.” (The Holy and anointed unbiased ESV)
Now many miss this teaching. Note the question? “”Why do we and(U) the Pharisees fast,[c] but your disciples do not fast?” Then Jesus states that because he is there, His disciples do not need to fast, but there will be a day when Jesus is gone that His disciples will fast and the Pharisees and disciples of John will not. Jesus then talks about wine and wineskins. This is where so many miss the point. Often New Age Emergerants will try to say that this is “spiritual”. We know that nothing in our faith is “spiritual” as that would lead to “living by the Spirit” and we will have nothing to do with that! Now, the Ermergerants will say that the old traditions are gone and the new traditions are better. So they twist this verse to mean, ”If you put new wine in old wine skins it will burst the skins and spill the wine.” Oh yeah! They would love spilling wine in their emerging church orgies! Yep, I can hear them now, “a little wine for you and a little for me, and next week we break out the Hookah’s and some weed for service!” Now that is blasphemy and not what Jesus was teaching at all.
Here is what Jesus meant. We are not to drink wine meant we are not to eat too much otherwise we will burst from too much food. Those stupid Emergerants will twist the bible to mean whatever they want it to mean and not what we want it to mean! Jesus was just warning his disciples not to eat too much. It is that simple.
John 2 1On(A) the third day there was a wedding at(B) Cana in Galilee, and the mother of Jesus was there. 2Jesus also was invited to the wedding with(C) his disciples. 3When the wine ran out, the mother of Jesus said to him, “They have no wine.” 4And Jesus said to her, (D) “Woman,(E) what does this have to do with me?(F) My hour has not yet come.” 5His mother said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.”
6Now there were six stone water jars there(G) for the Jewish rites of purification, each holding twenty or thirty(H) gallons.[a]7Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water.” And they filled them up to the brim. 8And he said to them, “Now draw some out and take it to the master of the feast.” So they took it. 9When the master of the feast tasted(I) the water now become wine, and did not know where it came from (though the servants who had drawn the water knew), the master of the feast called the bridegroom 10and said to him, “Everyone serves the good wine first, and when people have drunk freely, then the poor wine. But you have kept the good wine until now.” 11This, the first of his signs, Jesus did at Cana in Galilee, and manifested(J) his glory. And(K) his disciples believed in him. (God’s truly anointed and Chris Pajak approved version the ESV)
This is often used by Emergerants to prove that they can get drunk in their orgy services. Yet again I will tell you what it really means. First off, we see that Mary is able to make Jesus do what she wanted even though Jesus did not want to do it. So here we see principle 1.
Principle 1. A good ODM knows how to manipulate God to do what the ODM wants.
The next principle is that Jesus did this miracle to secretly take now who was a sinner and who was not. Jesus simply watched to see who drank the wine and who did not and thus knew which disciple he would have trouble with. Didn’t you ever wonder how Jesus knew Judas would betray Him? Well now you know!
Principle 2. A good ODM tests others like Jesus did to see who is truly saved and who is not!
The third and last principle is this. Jesus did this miracle to show the sinners so He could show how holy He was! It never states Jesus drank any of this wine… in fact later we read that Jesus was offered wine on the cross and He refused. This proves that booze is bad! So we know this was a test and was to show Jesus was way holier than anyone else!
Principle 3. Like Jesus, ODM’s are way too holy to drink booze and will not fail the test as simple as this. The ODM is as holy as Jesus so there is no way we will drink, but as stated, when we see someone who does we simply raise the finger of judgment and condemnation and shout, “SINNER! REPENT!”
The ODM has the super secret gift of discerning which lie is best for what situation. My great-great-great-great-great-great-grand uncle Screwtape Todayso taught me many things before he was put into chains of darkness in Tartarus. I am here to pass these super secret ODM truths on to the ignorant masses. I was trained under my affectionate uncle Ken Silva who was secretly mentored by Walter Martin. Now Walter Martin was not one of us. He did not choose the narrow path of slander and lies to attack others.
Here is a secret few know that Ken taught me. Take good teaching from great men of God and twist them to fit OUR DOCTRINES. For instance, many Calvinist make great ODMs. Why? Many teach the DOCTRINES of grace while that bad ones teach the doctrines of GRACE. Do you see what I am saying? The focus is one us and who we approve as saved and worthy of the Grace of God by the filter of our own systematic theological bend. If you do not agree with us, then you are not of us. If you leave us, you were never of us. We made our Election sure by making sure God knows who the really bad Christians are. Meanwhile we can show God how great we are and how much we love Him by our zeal to commit to saving God and His fragile truth from the pagans and false Christian converts. Deep in our secret lair we seek knew and greater ways to hurt and harm those ministries we do not approve of. We have developed new technology to make it easier for our followers to judge and condemn others. It is you the reader of the ODM’s who make us as powerful as we are. The more you read us the more we infect your spirit and make you worthless and weak. God looks down and sees you and frowns in anger at your failures and we look good as we point it out.
This plan of deflection and exposure of others sins and misdeeds has been our game for thousands of years if not more. If you rise against us you will be taken down. In fact we will crucify anyone who tries to ruin our plans. We have already done it once! So follow the ODM way and know that you will be secure in your position of favor with our great and mighty God. Join the Secret Order of Discernmentist United in Ministries also known as SODUM.
I can’t wait till Randell Terry gives us permission to use our rights to bare arms! So only the Elect will have the right to life… the rest of you guys will burn in hell!
(FIX Network The network where we fix the news we broadcast) We are still in heavy debate as to what to do. We were just about to reveal the most hated ODM and their site when a phone call came in with terrible news. Apparently there was an issue with someone tampering with Chad the official ballot counter. Though another independent ballot counter was brought in, debate as to whether the ballots would be counted correctly as Al Franken (a liberal) was found to have won according to the independent ballot counter co. Al Franken was not even on the ballot so this was a shock and we immediately demanded a recount!
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It seems the main debate was with Chad who was fixing many improperly casted ballot cards by using his unique discernmentalist powers of knowing what the voter really meant. Chad’s talent is one that is used throughout the ODM world on a regular basis. The unique discernmentalist power is being able to take a clear statement someone says and twist it to mean whatever the ODM desires it to mean. By doing this the ODM can always be right by twisting the other person’s words to the obviously wrong meaning. Chad was doing fine until someone began spreading rumors that Chad was tampering with the ballots. We want all to know that was not the case and Chad is the victim of a vicious RCC/Emergent/PDL/Seeker Driven/Arminian/Charismatic/Democratic conspiracy to discredit ODM’s as dishonest. We do not argue we are not dishonest, rather we ODM’s see our dishonesty when used honestly to protect the Truth as honorable. So it is a debate over God’s Honor being discredited by those who hate God and OUR DOCTRINAL truth that protects God, Country, The Bible and the American Way of Life.
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So we contend that if you followed our logical argument that Chad is the true victim and call to fasting, prayer and that all True Believers in the ODM way send us more money, (we prefer cash as it is not as easy to be traced by the evil Government).
We hope that soon this mess will be figured out and that the winner of this prestigious award will be revealed soon. Stay tuned!
ODMafia reveals the most hated and most hated ODM!
CNN (Christian News Network) The ballots were cast in a super-sized secret chamber near the earths core where the official office of the ODMafia is heated by the earths core. The office itself is so near to Hell that one can hear the lovely screams as the officers of the ODMafia do their re-research and regurgitate others ODM’s information. Of all the ODM’s out there; only one is worthy of the top honor that will be handed out this Hallow’d ween. Yes many votes were cast by those on the academy panel and even rumors of fist fights and a gun being pulled out at one point. The rumors do have some truth to them but again this is the ODMafia we are writing about.
After the ballots were careful counted by a person who only called himself “Chad” we received a call early this morning and waited all day to hear verification of whom the most hated and hateful ODM is. There was a call soon after the first one that stated that there needed to be a recount as someone had been messing with “Chad” so another independent ballot counter that helped Al Franken win his election was brought in. After a few hours another call came in and the official count was finished. The winner is… oh I am sorry the phone just rang again… I will have to continue this later.
A 911 call came in today at 10:00 AM stating that top discernmentalist Ken Silva was missing! Word has it he was last seen flying away in a huge home made hot air balloon.
Many of the top Discernmentalists are very concerned. TruthSlayer who writes for the ODMafia the greatest of all ODM sites stated: “First we thought it was just Ken Silva being persecuted over a post on his website and he had deleted the whole thing again. Then we found out Ken has been missing for over three hours!”
Search and rescue spent over three hours chasing a hot air balloon that was hovering over Claremont, N.H and finally was found outside of the small town in a cornfield without Ken Silva in it! Many continued the search and some speculated that Ken Silva was actually raptured or taken by God much like Elijah was in the bible.
Then news came that Ken Silva was actually hiding up in his attic and was scared to come down because he could not find his favorite Walter Martin tape.
I. Todyaso was caught leaving the men’s room at a local restaurant in his hometown and was quoted as saying, “I know I am much relived.”
” We do not believe this to be a hoax or publicity stunt” said the head of the Claremont police chief Berny Fife, a distant cousin to the famous Barney Fife of Mayberry R.F.D. No charges have been raised. Berny Fife is also one of the 8 members of Ken Silva’s ever growing church.
Brannon Howse is promoting a new book by Worldview Weekend speaker Ken Ham, Britt Beemer and Todd Hillard entitled, Already Gone: Why your kids will quit church and what you can do to stop it. This crew went to conservative churches NOT LIBERAL! to poll them as to why their kids are leaving their churches in droves! They also found that these conservative churches need to be reclaimed!! Brannon Howse says: “their book that confirm that the church needs to be reclaimed before we even attempt to reclaim the culture.”
Here are some reasons put forth from the book:
A mass exodus is underway. Most youth of today will not be coming to church tomorrow. Nationwide polls and denominational reports are showing that the next generation is calling it quits on the traditional church. And it’s not just happening on the nominal fringe; it’s happening at the core of the faith.
Only 11 percent of those who have left the Church did so during the college years. Almost 90 percent of them were lost in middle school and high school. By the time they got to college they were already gone! About 40 percent are leaving the Church during elementary and middle school years!
If you look around in your church today, two-thirds of those who are sitting among us have already left in their hearts; it will only take a couple years before their bodies are absent as well.
The numbers indicate that Sunday school actually didn’t do anything to help them develop a Christian worldview…The brutal conclusion is that, on the whole, the Sunday school programs of today are statistical failures.
Part of the concern is that the mere existence of youth ministry and Sunday school allows parents to shrug off their responsibility as the primary teachers, mentors, and pastors to their family.[1]
So Brannon Howse announces the answer that is above all other answers! “The answer to this crisis is Biblical worldview and apologetics training.”
Yes! Finally we have someone in the Church and for the Church who will be our Head and lead us!
Brannon Howes continues with more of the answer!
“I founded Worldview Weekend in 1993 and all our conferences had an admission fee until three years ago. Because the church in America has largely neglected worldview and apologetic training and because the only hope for America is Biblical Christians that will oppose the evil that is washing over our nation, Worldview Weekend has been holding free Worldview Weekend Rallies for the past three years.”
That is what the Church needs today! We need more Worldview Weekend Rallies to save us!
Praise God that Brannon Howse is in the House of God! And soon the Church will be so pure we will not need Jesus anymore!
[1] Ken Ham & Britt Beemer with Todd Hillard, Already Gone: Why your kids will quit church and what you can do to stop it (Master Books, Green Forest, AR., 2009) p. 22, 33, 41,
Before you get all bent out of shape, please realize this is a satire site spoofing the so-called "discernment ministries" who deem themselves more worthy of Grace than the rest of us. So read and have fun! BTW, we are not against "good" discernment ministries that do actual real research and extend grace to others, only the bad ones.
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