August 6, 2010
The ODMafia Research Robot Monkeys have done it again….this time that have uncovered the GAY AGENDA. This is not just any agenda, but the official card carrying sign. Today, gays are so brazen so bold as to print their agenda on white bristolboard in black and red markers – out in the open, in public for everyone to see.
For some this will be difficult to handle, but we believe that as mighty truth warriors we need to reveal the darkness of these pagan heathens.
July 31, 2010
As an official ODM (Online Discernmentalist Ministry), we worry. In fact we worry a lot. We believe we are surrounded at every corner by emergents and liberals lead by fashionable-spiritual-guru Rob Bell and his unbiblical stories about Jesus being raised from the dead and how that changes everything. We believe Rob’s reference to ‘change’ is irrelevant because we didn’t come up with the video …otherwise it would be way cool and truthful. More importantly we believe you should worry about Rob Bell, and his secret plan to undermine the institutional church. In fact why pray when you can worry?
July 29, 2010
We know that UFOs are going to be used for the excuse of the rapture….since the rapture is really the heart of the gospel. “Believe the rapture and be saved.” The rapture has been a central core doctrine since the beginning and early followers would never relinquish that fact…and waited strategically almost 18 centuries to reveal the truth of end times theology thru TimLahaye books. As for back as we can remember this pure doctrine has been taught and retaught, tweaked, adjusted…but to be sure a true bible believing Christian must focus all their energy and time on tribulation and the rapture. Sensationalism, speculation & conjecture are the kinds of things St. Paul said were marks of the true church. If this topic does not consume you….you are likely a liberal, emergent, moderate or worse…a Roman Catholic.
Finally, we must be convinced that all objects we view in the sky and don’t quite understand must be demonic entities ready to seduce mankind. Even though we don’t have enough data to make sense of these things it is best to fear the worst…and rely of fear. Although it would be much easier for demons simply disguise themselves as super-hot-super-models to seduce men …instead demons have been distracted by really cool movies like 2001:A Space Odyssey, Star Wars and Star Trek V. Therefore they have devised a whole sci-fi schemata to trick mankind with all sorts of smoke and mirrors and holograms. Sadly woman won’t fall for these tricky demons because they find sci-fi boring. Therefore, the demons will have to work 3 times harder to seduce them by either disguising themselves as shopping bags or demonic make-up kits.
Be warned. The Truth is out there. Be rapture ready.
PS if our woman readers are offended by suggesting that they don’t like sci-fi and would rather shop we must make it plain that we believe it is biblical and woman should be busy in the kitchen (sometimes we must offend and tell the truth). Remember, we don’t make the rules, we just enforce them.
July 28, 2010
Since our partnership with McCarthy Ministries we have been hell-bent on detection of social gospelers, communists, closet commies, universal health-care enthusiasts and people who share their private possessions. Unfortunately far too often communist sympathizers go undetected or worse commie proselytizers are left to wander the streets and eat our food and drink our water. We are shocked and dismayed to find Take A Stand Ministries secretly promoting and peddling socialism while pretending to be a true bible believing ministry. It just makes me ill. It did not take us long to detect RED in his “Take A Stand” logo. He has secretly embedded his socialist message not in his heading but below it to throw off readers (ie to make them feel less threatened by his red faced secret socialist message, slowly undermining the gospel).
We can’t be fooled.
Don’t be fooled either. Remember if its red, its wrong!
PS We have reason to believe that if Take A Stand is “red” they are likely Red Letter Christians and sympathetic to Emergings!
July 27, 2010
It wasn’t long and McCarthy Ministries and ODMafia have already detected communists amongst our supposed discernmentalist ranks. It just makes me so angry, so frustrated that we would be betrayed by one of our own. But being the biblical ministry that we are, and trusting in the truthfulness of the bible more than others we had to come out and simply state the truth. Apprising Ministries uses FAR too much red in their logo-header and web page….this should set off alarm bells because Communist China and USSR both used red in their flags. Speaking of “bells” Rob Bell once questioned sola scripture. Simply having a question about this theological construct is enough for us discernmentalists to state emphatically that Rob Bell does not believe in the bible. Fans and interested readers – Are you drawing the same insightful parallels as we are? If you are not, you probably are very BAD discernmentalist, or a complete failure or a false teacher like Rob Bell -besides you are totally unbiblical and had a doubt in your mind at some point.
Finally, anyone who has too much red is probably a communist. It is best to assume guilt until proven innocent. By that time rumours will abound so extensively across the internet it won’t matter – you will be labled and branded whatever association we decide.
Please note that we found that former non-discernmentalist Slice of Laodicea is also linked to communism even before our mighty partnership with McCarthy Ministries.
July 24, 2010
Take A Stand Ministries mightily says “In an interview discussing their 2009 book, Jesus Wants to Save Christians: A Manifesto for the Church in Exile, Bell and co-author Don Golden say that the Church in America is in exile today. Bell and Golden say that by participating in our culture (they call America an “empire”) and by supporting our government/military system and by using oil, we are “oppressors” and create suffering for others.” TSM strategically & mightily disarms Bell mightily be stating “They conveniently ignore the fact that America, in particular the Christians in her, have done more to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ than any other nation in history – hands down! But in emergent/leftist thought, anything smelling like capitalism must be shunned (except for enjoying the many benefits life in the USA offers). This is nothing less than 1960′s, counter-culture, hippie liberalism now being referred to as “Evangelical Christianity!” Take that Rob Bell!
Why would Rob Bell even suggest such an afront to OUR patriotism, nationalism and not turn a blind eye like a good true Christian?
We know that empires intervene, control, use power to coerce & bully smaller nations (this is fair if you are a US Citizen). We know the USA would never do that, but rather spends all its military budget spreading the ‘gospel.’…which every other countries wants too!
But what kind of gospel does the USA spread?
The true gospel of capitalism (covetousness/greed), freedom (if you accept being invaded, shot, or bombed into submission as freedom) and democracy (which is freely enforced once it is imposed) Its great too that the media conglomerates that are owned by defence contractors tells us that other countries either really want this ‘gospel’ so bad that they are willing to be bombed and shot at, or pesky and annoying and ignorant villagers fight back (how dare they!!!) They simply need to be educated that they are getting the ‘gospel.’
Here is Eric Barger’s Take A Stand’s example of non-empire-building-non-oppressive-military manoeuvres of friendlyness that apparently don’t cause oppression or suffering:
Hawaii 1893 (?)
Philippines 1898-1910 (?)
Cuba 1898-1902 (?)
Puerto Rico 1898 (?)
Guam 1898 (?)
Dominican Republic 1903-04
Dominican Republic 1916-24
El Salvador 1932
Puerto Rico 1950
Dominican Republic 1965-66
El Salvador 1981-82
Bosnia 1993 (?)
Remember, these were non-oppressive. These nations probably wanted undesirables killed, their leaders assassinated , their resources plundered, their governments sent into chaos because they too wanted freedom (at the end of a barrel) or badly needed to have a dictator propped up to run their country. Thank goodness we have ONE shining beacon of capitalism, freedom and democracy to lead the nations!
Truthslayer…proudly supporting empires and their freedom loving spirit!
July 23, 2010
Taking off where Senator McCarthy should have left alone, we welcome McCarthy Ministries in full partnership with ODMafia. We also believe they if we suspect you of ‘red’ you are probably spiritually dead as well. In fact the only good commie is a dead commie.
How do we define commie?
1) You criticize capitalism
2) You criticize corporations
3) You think sharing your possessions is biblical.
4) You believe that Christians should be socially engaged in aiding the poor.
5) You are not troubled by the word ‘social’ in a sentence.
6) You believe that some form of universal health care could be beneficial.
If you detect any one of these attributes in ministry, friend, family or enemy REPORT them to us at once so that we might discernmentalize them immediately. Remember, we have FOURformidable foes battling the church today; Islam, Emergents, people who use candles in worship and Commies (remember this is absolute biblical truth). We must do our do diligence and fight these enemies. Remember, our weapons are of flesh and blood, in name calling and verbal attacks!
Stay with me friends…we must fight!
July 16, 2010
Make war not peace! Make slander not encouragement! In this great discernmentalist war masterpiece we find some invaluable lessons on why we ust wage war against the ungodly and those who don’t have the purist doctrines or whose culture is not like ours (ie the ONLY true biblical culture is here in North America). We will find our hero suspect of all Christians who seek to be peace-makers, and who dare to be reconciled with others (like in the movie). People like this make me sick – and our hero too! Gossip is used to disarm these unholy opponents (Orthodox, Roman Catholics, liberals, emergents, moderates) whereby they are slandered and attacked – just like they should be! Using the best of the online discernment ministry techniques we see our hero bring down many enemies!
Again, you will learn to be that much more angry after you view this fantastic masterpiece!
July 14, 2010
Very Concerned Nazarenes against unapproved t-shirts is acting fast. They are more angry, and more righteous and more concerned than other people who generally make the claim of being concerned (like Extra Concerned Nazarenes who are not affiliated with Very Concerned Nazarenes!) We are very-extra-extremely-concerned (even more so than Very Concerned Nazarenes). We worry that people like Dan Kimball and John Armstrong (rumoured to be attempting to take over the church) have been seen WITHOUT a suit and tie (even found lounging in unaproved t-shirts). Yes you HEARD it from us!
Thank-goodness that we have an approved attire wearing anti-t-shirt sloganeering truth warrior in our midst. Indeed as a back-up we have John MacArthur too (who was born with a suit tailor made to his body).Where would we be today without such a mighty crusade? Thank-goodness our suit wearing crusader is not like those -t shirt wearers who are not worthy to tie up our dress shoes. We NEED more suits and ties today then any other time in history (that is why we created the Bible Based Suit).
If this crusade is a success everyone will soon be able to enter a Starbucks and see everyone dressed in suits and ties, or at least with T-shirts that are approved by Take A Stand Ministries & Very Concerned Nazarenes (we still do not think they are concerned enough!!!) The world will once more be safe for a morally driven society. ODMafia officially believes most t-shirt wearers are emergents from the future here to destroy the church in the present.
PS I never had to discard my unholy wardrobe since I have always believed a true Christian wears a suit (obviously blessed by a pre-approved doctrinally pure church). If you seek to have the same standards that I have (which are perfect) you will do the same….or face my wrath and a wagging finger.
July 7, 2010
Introducing new science free light bulbs that are powered only by biblical faith. If it does not light up you can pretty much kiss your back end good bye – you lack faith and are likely not fit for heaven. We guarantee that these special light bulbs will NOT work with Roman Catholics, liberals, post-moderns, emergents and Rob Bell. We are confident that true believers (that is us and other online discernmentalist ministries) could light up entire crates of these special bulbs.
Order now and get a pair of free steak knives with every purchase!