Love wins people over to heresy!

April 4, 2011

Ladies, Gentleman, and Underlings,  we knew that the fallout from the Rob Bell heretical view of non-hell was going to undermine the truth of scripture and lead many astray (sorry for the lack of grammatical clarity but we are so upset over this news we can’t use punctuation properly) but never did we imagine the magnitude of   the fallout.  Nor did we imagine the swiftness in which the Devil was going to lead people astray.   Nor did we think that our leadership would fall.

What’s the big news?

Hold on to your phylacteries,  bathe in holy water, hide the eyes of the innocent, and prepare the millstones:  R.C. Sproul (a.k.a second in charge [behind John McArthur PBUH] of calvinist dogma doctrine) says GOD IS IN HELL!    I wish we could say that we are making this up,  we wish that we could say that there was some confusion of intent, we wish that we could say wait until the book comes out but we can’t.  The truth is that R.C. Sproul believes firmly that GOD IS IN HELL based on this excerpt from his upcoming book “The place of God’s Disfavor”.

The problem with hell is not simply the absence of God’s graciousness. It is the presence of God that is so difficult. God is present in hell because He is omnipresent. The psalmist declares, “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there” (Ps. 139:7-8). If God is everywhere in His being, then certainly He is in hell as much as He is anywhere else. The problem, then, is what He is doing there. He’s there in His judgment. He is there in His punitive wrath. He is present in hell as the One who executes His justice on those who are there. That’s why I say that anyone who is in hell would most want God, more than anyone else, to leave.

 

Rob Bell says there is no Hell.  R.C. Sproul says God is in Hell.  What next? God is Dead? Only God knows…well…and us.  After all we are discermentalists!


How to dehorn an emergent

May 4, 2010


Dehorning an emergent is much like dehorning a cow

There are different methods from removing the horns, or dehorning, an emergent – the simplest being not letting your young fundamentalist be turned toward emerging. When this is not an option, you can now make a choice as to what method to use to dehorn an emergent.
Difficulty: Challenging
Instructions
Chemical Method of Dehorning
1. Step 1
Push back the hair that covers the horn bud on the young emergent.
2. Step 2
Use a brush to apply caustic potash or caustic soda to the horn buttons.
3. Step 3
Choose whether to have the hair fall back over the horn bud after applying the caustic, or clipping the hair back altogether. Some have found that the hair helps to keep the caustic in place, and prevents the caustic from irritating the older emergents.
4. Step 4
Avoid getting any of the caustic in the emergent’s eyes. Always wear gloves when applying the chemical. Wait for sunny days to apply the chemical on the emergent as rain can wash the chemicals from the horn buds.
Hot Iron Method of Dehorning
5. Step 1
Use a hot iron for dehorning an emergent if they are a little older. Also use anesthesia in conjunction with the iron, especially on the older emergents. Carefully check that the iron is working well before applying it to the emergent. A unit that is too hot can cause brain damage in the emergent which will also aid you in bringing them back to fundamentalism.
6. Step 2
Hold the hot iron against each horn bud for 10 to 15 seconds. A copper-colored ring will appear.
7. Step 3
Observe the emergent. After 4 to 6 weeks, the horn button will fall off.
Spoon or Tube of Dehorning
8. Step 1
Make sure you use the proper sized tube for the horn for dehorning. There are four sizes available. The tube should fit over the horn bud, as well as 1/8 inch of skin around the base of the horn bud.
9. Step 2
Place the cutting edge so that it is straight down over the horn bud.
10. Step 3
Twist and push the tube until you cut through the skin, then cut under the horn button and remove it.
11. Step 4
Apply an antiseptic to help prevent infection.
Barnes Method of Dehorning
12. Step 1
Fit the knives over the horns of the young emergent or older one by closing the handles of the Barnes-type dehorners. You will want to remove a ring of skin at the same time as the horn.
13. Step 2
Spread the handles apart as quickly as you can manage. This engages the knives, which cut off the horn.
14. Step 3
Make sure the blades are sharp before this procedure. Use anesthesia as well as make sure the emergent is properly restrained.
15. Step 4
Stop the bleeding by either using forceps to pull the artery, or a hot iron.

Yes, it is just that easy to dehorn an emergent.

Original article here


Article by I. Todyaso Appears in Newspaper!

February 2, 2010

 

We wanted to share this article from a major newspaper publication called The Discernment written by I. Todyaso. We wanted to state that next to the Internet, the newspaper is the more accurate place to get news. This means it must be all true!

 


Tall Skinny Kiwi declares, “End of Emerging Church!”

January 26, 2010

Tall Skinny Kiwi declares, “End of Emerging Church.”

 I, I. Todyaso, woke up this night with a headache. At first a great fear gripped my very soul and then after remembering I do not have one, I realized that my headache was one of the seven plagues Andrew Jones, AKA Tall Skinny Kiwi (TSK), cursed Emergent Village (EV) with as he left it. It seems that TSK will no longer associate with EV any longer due to personal reasons he was reluctant to disclose on his blog. TSK is known for his gentle way of saying it without saying it to the point he has kept Ken Silva from nailing 95 thesis of heresy on the door of TSK’s Magirus Deutz overlander. In fact, it is rumored that maybe TSK was never part of EV!

 Of the seven plagues that TSK cursed EV with was headaches to ODM’s. You see without the Village, many ODM’s now do not have as much to write about. Oh, sure we can rehash some things and maybe look for a new movement we can trash before it gets going, but seriously we loved EV as it was just such an easy target!

 So, here they are:

  1. Tony Jones loses his identity.
  2. Doug Paggit becomes homeless and wanders the USA asking if anyone bought his book yet.
  3. ODM’s get headaches as they no longer have EV as an easy target.
  4. Mike Clawson, Anthony Smith, and Steve Knight find a way to revive EV but former leadership relationships bog them down so they just go out for pizza instead.
  5. New leadership becomes more Evangelical than they were before!
  6. Tony Jones and Doug Paggit part ways and realize they were not as charismatic as they originally thought.
  7. Julie Clawson’s books outsell Tony Jones’ and Doug Paggit’s combined sales and she starts a female version of EV called… Femergent Village.

 As you can see these are definite signs of the coming apocalypse and with these, Jesus should return sometime soon. TSK has not commented further on this.  This is also believed to be  the only negative thing TSK ever uttered.


Searching for singers to sing Ken Silva’s Universalist songs!

March 2, 2009

If you are new here since we have broke this story, here is how it all breaks down so far.

We here at the ODMafia, decided to make some quick calls around to see who in the Emerging Church might want to use Ken Silva’s songs in their worship services.

Here is their responses:

Rob Bell: We heard faintly in the background, “Whose calling? Screw them! And I am a Universal Atonement believer not Universalist!” The phone then went dead and Rob Bell made not further comment.

Mark Driscoll: “Hell no! They are not sexy enough nor Calvinist enough! In fact as I looked them over I think Ken Silva may be a heretic!”

Greg Boyd: “LOL!”

Brian McLaren: “I can really sympathize with someone who must hide their true beliefs out of fear. I am praying about using his songs to support him in hopes Ken will find the cowarge to not only show his face on the Internet, but also truly state what he does believe.”

Tony Jones: “I support anyone who is still in the closet and I am glad that Ken Silva now believes gays, lesbian, transgender, bisexual and undecided can now be practicing Christians. “

Doug Pagitt: “You know I am running for public office right now and really need your support. I am also doing a daily talk show and….” We hung up.

Scot McKnight: “I think we will pass on this as we will stay in the more traditional vien of the fiath.”

Andrew Jones: “No, I am not Tony’s brother… but a lot of people seem to make that mistake.”

Anthony Smith: “Ken Silva is not relevant in my circle as I come from a black pentocostal background.”

We are still searching for anyone in the emerging church who will use Ken’s songs. We are here to support Ken Silva and his Apprising Universalist Ministries in any way we can.


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