Discernmentalists, we are under direct attack on a daily basis. We need to rally to arms and put on the aggressive defense. Just last month Brian McLaren directly assaulted Uncle Ken Silva and Aunt Ingrid Schlueter of Slice Of Laodicea. Ingrid was caught yelling in a headlock:
What an appallingly dishonest way to deal with your critics, McLaren.
which inspired her to write this scathing critique of her ordeal:
Emergent author Brian McLaren doesn’t believe in a literal Second Coming of Jesus. He has problems with the penal substitutionary atonement of Jesus on the cross. A literal hell with eternal torment for those who reject Christ? Not likely. The Genesis account of the fall of man? Not true. But instead of addressing his own spiritual rebellion, Brian appears to want to paint his critics as bigots. In a recent blog post, McLaren demands that what he calls “discernment websites” (he used the quote marks) address an African country’s attempts to codify severe penalties for homosexuality into law. He seems to imply that these same “discernment ministries” would automatically support the arrest and execution of gays by Uganda.
For the record, Brian, that’s a pretty nasty strategy to use against those who point to your heretical doctrinal views. While emergents supposedly are intellectual, open-minded people who enjoy conversations with subtle nuances and lots of mystery, McLaren actually sees things in black and white. Anyone who is not willing to jettison cardinal doctrine and embrace his “new kind of Christianity” is painted as ready to commit hate crimes and would support mistreating gays. What an appallingly dishonest way to deal with your critics, McLaren.
Ken was found wounded in the fray but not hurt. We asked him for comment and all he could murmur was:
It’s interesting this “minister” would place quotations around “discernment websites.” Well, as one of said sites, I can tell McLaren that I personally do not at all “enjoy featuring and critiquing the work” of any of these postliberal rebels against the final authority of God’s Word. The Lord knows that I’d much rather go back to apologetics and evangelizing those lost in the kingdom of the cults.
The One & Only Nutty “O” puts the “Nut” back into Online Discernmentalist Ministries. We affectionally like to call it the NUT-O! It is not because WE online discernmentalists make outrageous comments…. we don’t really, it is simply because our rationalizations and great intellect go largely misunderstood.
Please understand us, and succumb to our teachings….because we are right. In fact, that is why we suggest you try the Nutty-O.
What utter and complete blasphemy. May the Lord reveal Himself to you and open your eyes to the idol you have created and now worship. May He remove the veil of ignorance that you blissfully revel in but that holds your soul in condemnation.
Editors’ Note: We of God’s Truly Chosen Elect don’t have idols you know.
Part of the ‘inner reflex’ is Centering Prayer is letting go. For 20 minutes twice a day, it’s a continuous letting go of thoughts and emotions that well up inside – kind of like a fisherman catching fish but not to eat – just for fun. He’s sitting in a boat (the mind) and his pole rests in the water (the field of consciousness). Little fish (thoughts, ideas, emotions) come up and nibble on the line (ordinary awareness) – the fisherman doesn’t shoot the fish with a revolver or cut the line. Instead, he pulls the little fish up, but doesn’t keep them in the boat – it’s catch & release.
Catch and release, catch and release, gently, graciously – because you recognize that even the lake is situated in a much larger ecosystem (God). You can let go because the earth is abundant; you will be fed. Centering Prayer is a journey of trust in God, even on the unconscious level, where all kind of mis-trustful thoughts bubble up to the surface. The life centered in surrender to & trust in God is a life of profound peace and productivity – and our Scriptures attest, in a myriad of ways, that such trust (faith) ‘pleases God.’ But when we’re faced with the disturbing truths that Brueggemann elucidates – God’s irascibility for instance – what do we do?
There are two ways to do handle this. One is the way of definitive, forceful – almost violent – denial that there is (or has ever been) anything troubling in God’s character or actions. It’s the route of trusting God via suppression.
But there is another route – more painful, more adult, more complex – but I think it can still end in deeply-rooted, childlike trust. It’s a path that I’ve learned from many guides over the years, including Bruggie Baby (sorry for the familiarity, but it’s really hard typing his name over and over again), Meister Eckhart, the Jewish scholar Richard Elliot Friedman in The Hidden Face of God, Jack Miles in his Christ: A Crisis in the Life of God, ‘deeper life’ missionary and teacher Norman Grubb, and the process theologians that Tripp Fuller is getting me to read (like his professor Philip Clayton of Transforming Theology) or listen to & he and Chad Crawford’s uber-awesome podcast Homebrewed Christianity – all refined in the daily, simple crucible (quite actually) of centering prayer as taught by Contemplative Outreach and particularly Cynthia Bourgeault. (Did you read that paragraph, Ken Silva? It was practically tailor-written for you, LOL. If you don’t write about me, Discernmentalist Mafia will!)
My fellow colleague in discernmentalizations Dr. Truthslayer has this to add about Mike’s Emergent Romanism:
ODMafia went on the prowl….we sent our research robot monkeys behind the scenes to find the authentic Emergent Church (EC). …What did we find?….Among other things that have been discovered (as suggested in previous posts)….we spotted couches, candles and sometimes left-over coffee cups (often left in the recycled bin which suggests that they are Earth worshipers). Surely this has new age undertones.
Anyways, we all know with Absolute Certainty that candles in church=Romanism. And that’s Mike Morrell, a Romanist—we have Absolute Proof:
Mike Morrell caught sinning by drinking alcohol and with the Pope at that.
Mike Morrell exposed as a Romanist/Papist pope and idol worshipping heretic.
Todd Friel, Wiley Drake and Brannon Howse lead the rally. GOIPers and fellow discernnmentalists hear the battle call. We who hold Jesus—- the King James Bible AV1611—the Absolute Truth in our hands have a duty to pray against ungodly rulers and our enemies—because this is what Jesus wants:
The Bible is Jesus/God—this is the Absolute Truth, which God’s True Elect know with Absolute Certainty—so therefore when Jesus (the King James Bible AV1611) says in Psalm 1o9:8-15:
8 Let his days be few; and let another take his office. 9 Let his children be fatherless, and his wife a widow. 10 Let his children be continually vagabonds, and beg: let them seek their bread also out of their desolate places. 11 Let the extortioner catch all that he hath; and let the strangers spoil his labour. 12 Let there be none to extend mercy unto him: neither let there be any to favour his fatherless children. 13 Let his posterity be cut off; and in the generation following let their name be blotted out. 14 Let the iniquity of his fathers be remembered with the LORD; and let not the sin of his mother be blotted out. 15 Let them be before the LORD continually, that he may cut off the memory of them from the earth.
We know with Absolute Certainty that these verses refer to Obama and are God Jesus’ Absolute Will and Decree for him from the foundation of the world. Afterall the mark of a True Christian is to quote-mine, prooftext, pick and choose or cheery pick random verses from the bible as a means of sound bite Theology. believe God when He speaks in His Word— the King James Bible AV1611 and obey Him and His Word— the King James Bible AV1611.
This then is our Imprecatory Prayer against Obama that God Himself commands all True Believers to pray. Now had one of our own leaders been elected President then everyone must obey Romans 13—but since we have an anti-Christ in the White House then we must pray Imprecatory Prayers until we install Robo-Reagan Ron Luce as Supreme Theocratic Dictator of the World for life—a True tyrant Patriot in the likeness of John Calvin our Final Prophet.
Many people misunderstand what Jesus was actually teaching when he used wine as an example and when turned water into wine.
First let’s look as the first time Jesus talk’s about wine.
Matthew 9: 14Then(S) the disciples of John came to him, saying,(T) “Why do we and(U) the Pharisees fast,[c] but your disciples do not fast?” 15And Jesus said to them, (V) “Can the wedding guests mourn as long as the bridegroom is with them?(W) The days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from them, and(X) then they will fast. 16No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment, for the patch tears away from the garment, and a worse tear is made. 17Neither is new wine put into old(Y) wineskins. If it is, the skins burst and the wine is spilled and the skins are destroyed. But new wine is put into fresh wineskins, and so both are preserved.” (The Holy and anointed unbiased ESV)
Now many miss this teaching. Note the question? “”Why do we and(U) the Pharisees fast,[c] but your disciples do not fast?” Then Jesus states that because he is there, His disciples do not need to fast, but there will be a day when Jesus is gone that His disciples will fast and the Pharisees and disciples of John will not. Jesus then talks about wine and wineskins. This is where so many miss the point. Often New Age Emergerants will try to say that this is “spiritual”. We know that nothing in our faith is “spiritual” as that would lead to “living by the Spirit” and we will have nothing to do with that! Now, the Ermergerants will say that the old traditions are gone and the new traditions are better. So they twist this verse to mean, ”If you put new wine in old wine skins it will burst the skins and spill the wine.” Oh yeah! They would love spilling wine in their emerging church orgies! Yep, I can hear them now, “a little wine for you and a little for me, and next week we break out the Hookah’s and some weed for service!” Now that is blasphemy and not what Jesus was teaching at all.
Here is what Jesus meant. We are not to drink wine meant we are not to eat too much otherwise we will burst from too much food. Those stupid Emergerants will twist the bible to mean whatever they want it to mean and not what we want it to mean! Jesus was just warning his disciples not to eat too much. It is that simple.
John 2 1On(A) the third day there was a wedding at(B) Cana in Galilee, and the mother of Jesus was there. 2Jesus also was invited to the wedding with(C) his disciples. 3When the wine ran out, the mother of Jesus said to him, “They have no wine.” 4And Jesus said to her, (D) “Woman,(E) what does this have to do with me?(F) My hour has not yet come.” 5His mother said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.”
6Now there were six stone water jars there(G) for the Jewish rites of purification, each holding twenty or thirty(H) gallons.[a]7Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water.” And they filled them up to the brim. 8And he said to them, “Now draw some out and take it to the master of the feast.” So they took it. 9When the master of the feast tasted(I) the water now become wine, and did not know where it came from (though the servants who had drawn the water knew), the master of the feast called the bridegroom 10and said to him, “Everyone serves the good wine first, and when people have drunk freely, then the poor wine. But you have kept the good wine until now.” 11This, the first of his signs, Jesus did at Cana in Galilee, and manifested(J) his glory. And(K) his disciples believed in him. (God’s truly anointed and Chris Pajak approved version the ESV)
This is often used by Emergerants to prove that they can get drunk in their orgy services. Yet again I will tell you what it really means. First off, we see that Mary is able to make Jesus do what she wanted even though Jesus did not want to do it. So here we see principle 1.
Principle 1. A good ODM knows how to manipulate God to do what the ODM wants.
The next principle is that Jesus did this miracle to secretly take now who was a sinner and who was not. Jesus simply watched to see who drank the wine and who did not and thus knew which disciple he would have trouble with. Didn’t you ever wonder how Jesus knew Judas would betray Him? Well now you know!
Principle 2. A good ODM tests others like Jesus did to see who is truly saved and who is not!
The third and last principle is this. Jesus did this miracle to show the sinners so He could show how holy He was! It never states Jesus drank any of this wine… in fact later we read that Jesus was offered wine on the cross and He refused. This proves that booze is bad! So we know this was a test and was to show Jesus was way holier than anyone else!
Principle 3. Like Jesus, ODM’s are way too holy to drink booze and will not fail the test as simple as this. The ODM is as holy as Jesus so there is no way we will drink, but as stated, when we see someone who does we simply raise the finger of judgment and condemnation and shout, “SINNER! REPENT!”
We can do only one of two things….fear them or give them a wedgee!
For far too long we conservatives have had to offer our liberal-emergent-unreformed-post-moderns traditional wedgees….the traditional away.
Although we scorn change, or a new idea (unless new means something 200 years ago like Wesley adapting bar songs into hymns) and fear anything different we have decided that the new wedgee-assisted-screwdriver is a piece of hardware all truth warriors need to employ in the heated but very needed truthwars. While we agree that this is “new” we think that giving a liberal a truth wedgee is not. We need to come down hard on liberals….because they are the enemy. And since we are ALWAYS right, we’re right on this point as well.
Come on and buy your truth-wedgee-screwdriver today! See you at the next conference.
The ODMafia Research Robot Monkey’s were not on hand for any data collecting but we can trust the research of both of these ministries (TSM and DTW) to be accurate and true. It is possible that this could be a new type of liberal…but we will not speculate since we deal only in absolutes.
Should we not be concerned?
Please be aware of anyone in your church that look like appeasing suspects above, often wearing such apparel as plaid shirts and sporting shifty eyes (could be Canadian infiltrators.) Indeed look out for robots infiltrating YOUR church service with the above suit and tie (don’t be deceived!)
PS Discernmentalist insiders believe that this robot vampire may be an attempt to create a robot-vampire-version of Rob Bell (the facial expressions are uncannily life like.)
The ODM has the super secret gift of discerning which lie is best for what situation. My great-great-great-great-great-great-grand uncle Screwtape Todayso taught me many things before he was put into chains of darkness in Tartarus. I am here to pass these super secret ODM truths on to the ignorant masses. I was trained under my affectionate uncle Ken Silva who was secretly mentored by Walter Martin. Now Walter Martin was not one of us. He did not choose the narrow path of slander and lies to attack others.
Here is a secret few know that Ken taught me. Take good teaching from great men of God and twist them to fit OUR DOCTRINES. For instance, many Calvinist make great ODMs. Why? Many teach the DOCTRINES of grace while that bad ones teach the doctrines of GRACE. Do you see what I am saying? The focus is one us and who we approve as saved and worthy of the Grace of God by the filter of our own systematic theological bend. If you do not agree with us, then you are not of us. If you leave us, you were never of us. We made our Election sure by making sure God knows who the really bad Christians are. Meanwhile we can show God how great we are and how much we love Him by our zeal to commit to saving God and His fragile truth from the pagans and false Christian converts. Deep in our secret lair we seek knew and greater ways to hurt and harm those ministries we do not approve of. We have developed new technology to make it easier for our followers to judge and condemn others. It is you the reader of the ODM’s who make us as powerful as we are. The more you read us the more we infect your spirit and make you worthless and weak. God looks down and sees you and frowns in anger at your failures and we look good as we point it out.
This plan of deflection and exposure of others sins and misdeeds has been our game for thousands of years if not more. If you rise against us you will be taken down. In fact we will crucify anyone who tries to ruin our plans. We have already done it once! So follow the ODM way and know that you will be secure in your position of favor with our great and mighty God. Join the Secret Order of Discernmentist United in Ministries also known as SODUM.
Recently our resident Redneck GOIPers discovered shocking evidence that proves once and for all without a shadow of a doubt that Obama is the political anti-Christ. We’ve known all along that he hates America, our Rite to theocracy and Our God-ordained Holy Republican American Reich so this is no surprise. Also Obama wants to hand America over to Canada a nation run by satanists that is his evil plan in destroying our God-ordained and God Chosen Nation. Here is what “RR” has to say:
I admire Glen Beck with every fiber of my being for going on national television and calling the president a racist with a deep seated hatred toward white people. Beck is so right, but the only problem is that he doesn’t go far enough. Obama hates Americans, and the country we live in. Hate is too soft a word. Obama loathes each and every citizen with a hate that few people can comprehend. The man is full of hate.
There have been blogs that compare Obama to Hitler, but that is going easy on Hitler. Hitler at least was doing what he felt, however misguided, was in the best interest of the German people. Obama is doing the opposite. He wishes only harm and misery on the American people. That is his goal, and we are seeing his hateful scheme unfold before our very eyes.
Obama’s plan is to create a humongous socialist government. Each and every American will become wholly independent on Obama’s Big Brother, Orwellian government. Only Obama will decide who will be happy and sad. Only Obama will determine who will be successful and who will fail. All the power will go into his hands. Of course, one element of this evil plan is universal health care. Like Sarah Palin said, there will be death panels that determine who will live and who will die. And die we will. Mainly white people. Same as the Jews during Hitler’s regime, but instead of gas chambers, Obama will use universal health care.
When one thinks of the most evil people in the history of the world, Obama tops them all. On 9/11/2001, Osama Bin Laden killed brazenly 3000 innocent Americans. Obama wants to kill a lot more than 3000.
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Dude! This is a satire site!
Before you get all bent out of shape, please realize this is a satire site spoofing the so-called "discernment ministries" who deem themselves more worthy of Grace than the rest of us. So read and have fun! BTW, we are not against "good" discernment ministries that do actual real research and extend grace to others, only the bad ones.
Posted by donjobson 
The One & Only Nutty “O” puts the “Nut” back into Online Discernmentalist Ministries. We affectionally like to call it the NUT-O! It is not because WE online 
Posted by truthslayer 
Posted by donjobson 
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