Love wins people over to heresy!

April 4, 2011

Ladies, Gentleman, and Underlings,  we knew that the fallout from the Rob Bell heretical view of non-hell was going to undermine the truth of scripture and lead many astray (sorry for the lack of grammatical clarity but we are so upset over this news we can’t use punctuation properly) but never did we imagine the magnitude of   the fallout.  Nor did we imagine the swiftness in which the Devil was going to lead people astray.   Nor did we think that our leadership would fall.

What’s the big news?

Hold on to your phylacteries,  bathe in holy water, hide the eyes of the innocent, and prepare the millstones:  R.C. Sproul (a.k.a second in charge [behind John McArthur PBUH] of calvinist dogma doctrine) says GOD IS IN HELL!    I wish we could say that we are making this up,  we wish that we could say that there was some confusion of intent, we wish that we could say wait until the book comes out but we can’t.  The truth is that R.C. Sproul believes firmly that GOD IS IN HELL based on this excerpt from his upcoming book “The place of God’s Disfavor”.

The problem with hell is not simply the absence of God’s graciousness. It is the presence of God that is so difficult. God is present in hell because He is omnipresent. The psalmist declares, “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there” (Ps. 139:7-8). If God is everywhere in His being, then certainly He is in hell as much as He is anywhere else. The problem, then, is what He is doing there. He’s there in His judgment. He is there in His punitive wrath. He is present in hell as the One who executes His justice on those who are there. That’s why I say that anyone who is in hell would most want God, more than anyone else, to leave.

 

Rob Bell says there is no Hell.  R.C. Sproul says God is in Hell.  What next? God is Dead? Only God knows…well…and us.  After all we are discermentalists!


Love Wins?

March 1, 2011

         

             A Blog Post by some of the Research Robot Monkeys

                          of the Online Discernmentalist Mafia:

Recently the ultra-mega sinfully ecumenical quasi-semi-Pelagian reprobated and heretical Universalist Emergent guru Rob Bell broke into the OD Mafia Headquarters. “Ho ho;” he said, “I’ve got Good News for you today…Love Wins.”

Alarmed by the disturbance our masters and heroes Dr. I . Todyaso, Dr. Truthslayer and Dr. Don Jobson quickly withdrew their weapons. Now brandishing their bullhorns in the manner of Todd Friel—they began to shout down that vile and Wretched sinner Rob Bell. Our heroes the OD Mafia proclaimed the True Gospel—the good news of God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath and commendable hatred towards all those whose doctrines are impure and theology is incorrect.

All Rob Bell could say was “Love Wins…Love Wins…Love Wins…” Suddenly during the chaos Brian D. “amn your soul to hell” McLaren appeared in a mystical mist of confusion and grabbed the noble crew of the Online Discernmentalist Mafia and then disappeared. We haven’t seen or heard from either Dr. I . Todyaso, Dr. Truthslayer or Dr. Don Jobson ever since—although we suspect that those symbols of all that is evil in the world Rob Bell and Brian McLaren are holding them captive. The last thing we saw was Rob Bell driving off in a van laughing and calmly proclaiming that “Love Wins.”

P. S. If you see an Ice Cream Truck disguised as a traveling ministry with “Love Wins” painted on the side, please report the sighting to your nearest local Discernmentalist church.

            A. J. Research Robot Monkeys filling in for the OD Mafia


Keep fear alive!

November 11, 2010

With the all new MIND CONTROL SPRAY (researched by ODMAFIA) – you simply apply the spray to any clear thinking person rejects your illogical lines of random and ill conceived thoughts. Whomever is sprayed will begin to succumb to such as phrases as “bible believing,” “absolute biblical truth,” and “bible based, ” as a form of self-affirming circular logic. Because we say its true…it is true  Using these phrases coupled with almost any idea imaginable will enable someone under control of the MIND CONTROL SPRAY to appreciate any insight you have as “bible believing” etc. In addition, if you suffer from any latent paranoia regarding the potential for false teaching this will aid in bringing your fears to an entirely new level. With MIND CONTROL SPRAY you will quickly begin referring everyone who does not measure up to your perfect doctrine as unAmerican, unbiblical, liberal, left-wing, emergent, catholic, anglican, liberal-biased, heretic, communist, democrat, socialist, marxist, peaceniks and anti-semite.

Bible based slander is needed in these troubling times….be sure to order yours today!

Truthslayer endorsed.

PS Use two squirts of Mind Control to reduce any peace loving, anti-war sentiment.


Precious American Gospel Bible Verses

July 26, 2010

Any True Christian American Patriot and True Citizen of the Kingdom of God aka America should keep these Bible verses as close to their hearts as their guns and ammunition:

For Christ came to butcher, destroy, bomb and burn our enemies so that they may die more violently. (John MacArthur 10:10).

The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is long-suffering to us-ward, and is willing that all our enemies should perish, so that America may stand forever. (Second Peter Ruckman 3:9).

 For we know Him who said, “VENGEANCE IS OURS TO REPAY.” And again, “AMERICA WILL JUDGE ALL PEOPLE.” sayeth the Lord. (Bob “Hebrews” Jones 10:30).

But I tell you: Hate your enemies and pray an Imprecatory Prayer that God through American Military Might might smite as many of them as possible. (Matthew Ken Silva 5:44).

—All Scriptures  quoted from the 1611 King James Bible the Authorized American Version aka Chuck Norris’ Bible.


How To Spot A Grace-Hating Anabaptist Heretic In Your Church

July 10, 2010

Typical Anabaptists/Baptists minus the pitchforks, horns and tails. Photo of an actual Baptist Cult Coven Church service taking place just before they immerse new converts in foul smelling waters after walking down the aisle to the Altar to “make a decision to ask Christ Satan into their hearts;” then drink the blood of the dead as well  as steal other peoples’ money to give to the poor. Evilness—sheer evilness! Photo courtesy of Satan.

Finally we’ve nailed that idiot and a farce of a wannabe heretic and fake Christian, Ben Currin aka TheoPoet in the midst of supporting heresy:

Clearly these individuals are deluded not only that they are “unregenerate unsaved reprobates” not to be fellowshipped with as they aren’t even “Real Christians” like us as our Pure Doctrines attest:

“The Anabaptists (Baptists) are only mentioned by name twice, but…they had revived all the ancient heresies about the Holy Trinity and the Person of Christ…. Many of them were Pelagians…. Others claimed that, being regenerate, they were unable to commit sin…. Some depreciated all Scripture and placed themselves above even the Moral Law…. Some denied any need of ordination for Ministers, and claimed that the efficacy of all ministrations depended on the personal holiness of the Minister…. Infant baptism was denied…. All church discipline was repudiated…. Many held strange views about the descent into hell, the nature of the resurrection — and the future life, the ultimate salvation of all men, and millenarianism….. The authority of the State was impugned, and communism demanded.”

We know this is exactly what that idiot False Convert TheoPoet teaches and that he is secretly a “sectarian landmarkist” who hates our Pure Doctrines just look at the description of his apostate Blog:

“TheoPoetic Musings: RANDOM THEOLOGICAL THOUGHTS FROM AN ECUMENICAL POSTMODERN RADICAL REFORMED ARMINIAN NEO-ORTHODOX BARTHIAN MODERATE PROGRESSIVE TO LIBERAL BAPTIST PERSPECTIVE (OH AND SOME POETRY AND LYRICS,TOO) “—if that doesn’t smack of Pure Evil and divisive sectarianism then you must be “spiritually blind” and of the devil as well. Anyone who calls themself a Baptist, an Anabaptist or both or even says anything slighty positive about these “obstinate pig-dogs” should have their very salvation called into question. We Know that Spurgeon (a TrulyReformed Baptist Landmarkist Calvinist Christian) never had anything positive to say about Baptists nor Anabaptists as he believed and taught nothing but our Pure Doctrines. Anyone who is an Anabapist/Baptist is by default wrong as only We have the right to claim True Theology and True Church History:

P. S. Remember anyone who doesn’t bow down before our Pure Doctrines are the divisive ones not us. 

P. P. S. This article is 1000% Ken Silva-approved.


Be A Literalist!: Part 4

May 24, 2010

 

In many Bibles, all the words of Jesus are in red. There is nothing wrong with that. But something is wrong when Leftist Christians or so-called Christians want to mute the words of Paul and other writers and only follow Jesus’ words. They call themselves “red-letter Christians.” They feel it is convenient to blot out the words of Paul on homosexuality and focus in on the good deeds Jesus talks about. Most are pacifists who reject an “eye for an eye” (Leviticus 24:19-20). They focus on Jesus’ words about helping the poor, ministering to “the least of these” (Matthew 25:40), loving our enemies, etc. That justifies abandoning hundreds, even thousands of condemning verses in the Bible they choose to wish away. That makes homosexuality OK and war wrong! Red-letter Christians join the chorus of those who believe in a utopia with no wanting or war. Yes, that will come someday, but not the way they think. This could come as a shock to them just because they have little to no regard for other parts of the Bible. They have almost created a new meaning for the term “biblical illiteracy.”  It is also tragic that these folks are frequently called “the evangelical Left.” They don’t have even 1% of evangelical theology in a single bone in their body. They cherry- pick the verses they like, almost exclusively the red letters of Jesus. — Jan Markell, Absolute Biblical Truth Defender.

Think literally. Think creatively. Think creatively about your literalism as ‘The Bible is a book of words and those words are to be interpreted according to what we think is their literal sense. Literally is the only honest way to read….honestly, the literal sense is literally the only honest way to read so be a literalist. Read the Bible literally if anyone objects ask him if you should consider his objection literally or you can explain that the Bible is literature and that there is no other way to read it but literally.’

It is rather creative to read a literal meaning into any given text even if a literal meaning was never the original intent of it’s author to begin with. For example, eventhough a large majority of the Biblical Book of Genesis  is literally Hebrew Poetry— here are some examples of the ways in which we ceatively read a  literal meaning into the text when we literally  read the Book of Genesis as a literal Historical Narrative

 

  • Example # 2: Also Genesis 12:36 states “It was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve or Anna and Eve, marriage is between one man and one woman, anything else is a sin punished by being sent to Hell.” Which seems to be the original of the Neocon view on Gay marriage and Homosexuals. (Source: Yo Dummy! It’s Adam And Eve Not Adam And Steve.).

Be A Literalist!: Part 2

May 15, 2010

 

 

“I actually do think parts of the Bible are more valuable than others, more inspired than others. In fact, I think that some parts of the Bible have been put aside by the Christian revelation.”—Quote by Cecil Sherman, your typical Anti-Bible Biblically Illiterate unregenerate non-Christian Liberal Baptist apostate reprobated and heathen  heretic

 

Pre-requisites for this course: one must have completed the following courses—our course  on Absolute Truth and our course on Discernmentalist Church History 101 or candidates for this course must at  least have a sufficient and  satisfactory grasp on Discernmentalese: the official jargon that we use around here. Your Discernmentalese must be approved by your official instructors: the esteemed Dr. Truthslayer, the wise Dr. Arthur McJohn, the illustrious Dr. I. Todyaso and yours truly the pithy Dr. Don Jobson. Candidates for this course must have also completed part 1 of our course on Bible Literalism.

Your official instruction: We must think only in binary terms. Everything is black and white, either this or that—there are no in-betweens. Brainiac our field agent for Todd Friel (Wretched) says:

The literal sense is the only honest way to read. Honestly, the literal sense is literally the only honest way to read. If you care what the author said, read literally. If you do not care what the author said, do not bother reading.

We agree as metaphors do not exist in the Discernmentalist Worldview. Everything literally means what it says as long as it doesn’t clash with our Pure Doctrines and even if it does we’ll find some way to spin it literally such as: “Οὕτως γὰρ ἠγάπησεν ὁ Θεὸς τὸν κόσμον, ὥστε τὸν Υἱὸν τὸν μονογενῆ ἔδωκεν, ἵνα πᾶς ὁ πιστεύων εἰς Αὐτὸν μὴ ἀπόληται ἀλλ᾽ ἔχῃ ζωὴν αἰώνιον” doesn’t literally mean “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life”—but literally means that God literally loves and literally only died for the Elect and the Elect only literally.

Eventhough Jesus literally said “This Is My Body” which literally interpreted means exactly what it says that the bread in Communion is literally Jesus’ literal Body, we must take a self-righteous stand in our Truth Wars and come against the Eucharist/Real Presence as it literally has no place in our Pure Bibles. A literal interpretation of  “This Is My Body” literally clashes with the literalness of our Pure Doctrines. John MacArthur told us so and if he says it—it must literally be by default True because anything he literally says he speaks ex cathedra  and all that he speaks is ex cathedra not to mention literally infallible Absolute Truth. However we  Discernmentalists don’t need to appeal to John MacArthur to know that this is literally True. It is literally True because We Say and believe It is literally True.

We Know that in Psalm 137:9 God literally commands us to “take our babies and smash them against the rocks!”—though we literally stand against abortion. We Know that I Timothy 1:9-10 is literally about gay marriage. Everything in the Bible is about our American Gospel and can literally be summed up by our moral stances in Politics. However when Jesus says “Sell all your possessions and give to the Poor and follow Me (Matt. 19:16-26;Luke 12:33-34 and 14:33) ” He doesn’t literally mean that.  We  like the parts of the Bible that fit our Pure Doctrines but ignore the verses that we do not agree with, that do not make us comfortable in our American values and/or do not back up our Discernmentalist Worldview.

Our interpretive lens of the Bible is flawless and therefore Inerrant for the Bible and not Jesus is literally the literal Word of God (John 1:1) as John MacArthur literally states:

Neo-orthodoxy’s attitude toward Scripture is a microcosm of the entire existentialist philosophy: the Bible itself is not objectively the Word of God, but it becomes the Word of God when it speaks to me individually. In neo-orthodoxy, that same subjectivism is imposed on all the doctrines of historic Christianity. Familiar terms are used, but are redefined or employed in a way that is purposely vague—not to convey objective meaning, but to communicate a subjective symbolism. After all, any “truth” theological terms convey is unique to the person who exercises faith. What the Bible means becomes unimportant. What it means to me is the relevant issue. All of this resoundingly echoes Kierkegaard’s concept of “truth that is true for me.”

Thus while neo-orthodox theologians often sound as if they are affirming traditional beliefs, their actual system differs radically from the historic understanding of the Christian faith. By denying the objectivity of truth, they relegate all theology to the realm of subjective relativism. It is a theology perfectly suited for the age in which we live.

And that is precisely why it is so deadly.

This is why we must always interpret the Bible literally except for when it literally disagrees with our Pure Doctrines so take heart fellow Discernmentalists and remember these wise  and literal words of Brainiac:

Be a literalist. Read the Bible literally. If anyone objects, ask him if you should consider his objection literally. Or, you can explain that the Bible is literature, and that there is no other way to read it but literally.


John MacArthur Declared The First Ever Discernmentalist Pope!

May 15, 2010

 

John  MacArthur aka Pope Pyro after being elected to the position of the first ever Pope of Discernmentalists! Photo courtesy of Pyromaniac Archives. Photographer: Ken Silva.

(Annoying News: a  ministry of disseminating misinformation, lies and slander while apprising everyone to follow only the cults of celebrity in the Discernmentalist World )–  Normally we are against all things Roman Catholic except in special circumstances ie. our dependence on Saint Augustine’s interpretation of Aristotelian philosophy or R. C.  Sproul’s love of Aquinas. This is one of those times when these special circumstances may be applied against our normative Absolute Rules. After Discernmentalists  declared John MacArthur 100% infallible by a voting margin of 100-0 this Jan., it was proclaimed that the logical  conclusion of this recent  event was to elect MacArthur the first ever Discernmentalist Pope.

Ken Silva reports: “Indeed the word infallible applied to any person can only signify that one  has elicited the status of Pope-hood other than that infallibility must only be applied to our  Holy Inerrant Bible—the Only True Word of God.” 

Vicki, a typical McArthurite reacts to the news of the election of MacArthur as the first Discernmentalist Pope ever: 

Anyone who disagrees with John MacArthur on any point of Doctrine is just full of arrogance and condensation.

My understanding of the doctrine of election is not at all sinful–John MacArthur told me so.

Trusting too much to history and too little to the teaching of scripture would have left us in Rome–John MacArthur told me so.

There is a price a godly man must pay to be heard, that price is humility and respect.
If a man wants an audience to listen to his doctrine-he would do well to heed the following!

” Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.”
Titus 3:1-3 (ESV).— (Source).

Ken Silva asked Phil Johnson aka Pastor Hugh Jass or Spurgeon’s clone, MacArthur’s flunky lacky hindquarters right-hand man about his boss’s election to Discernmentalist Pope-hood. Phil responded: “Deep down I always knew that this day would come when he (MacArthur) would be elected Pope over all Discernmentalists and the Truth Wars as the #1 Truth Truth Warrior of Absolute Truth. I wholeheartedly support the recent vote on the infallibility of my boss and his election to the office of Discernmentalist Pope.”

Ken Silva pressed the rest of the fine, outstanding, Discernmentalist-minded and Biblically based Pyromaniacs crew: Frank Turk and Dan Phillips et al. on their thoughts but they were unavailable to comment.

————————————————————————-

Ken Silva is the exclusive  author of Annoying News. He is a Master Discerner of all. When he is not discernmentalizing the 99% of humanity who do not agree with him, you can usually  find him preaching to the choir of the small Southern Baptist Church of 8 members that he pastors. Sometimes he uses a Truth Rod–although this may just be a rumor.


Be A Literalist!: Part 1

May 11, 2010

We must set the record straight—- the Bible is the Literal Word of God. What this Literally means is that the human words which make up the Bible contain the Literal mind of God. We Know as we were there when God Literally dictated them to humanity. Our field agent Brainiac further explains:

The Bible is a book of words and those words are to be interpreted according to their literal sense, which means in the same sense that the author understood them. This is a principle called the Sensus Literalis, and it is an important rule of hermeneutics. If we do not interpret the words in the same sense as the author, then we obscure the author’s meaning and impose our own. If we read our own meaning in the place of God’s meaning; then we are no longer reading God’s word but our own. Therefore, we must take care to interpret the Bible literally.

We interpret the Bible literally by following the ordinary rules of language; a noun is to be read as a noun, a verb as a verb, and so on. No matter what we read or in what language we read it, a statement is always a statement and a question is always a question.

Utilizing our Absolute Biblical Certainty and our Discernmentalist logic, we will show you how to apply a literal hermeneutic to the Bible:

 This is literally Jesus:

This also is literally Jesus:

And here is something else that is literally Jesus:

Stay tuned for part 2 of our exhilirating fresh new course straight from the bowels of the GOIP Online Discernmentalist Bible-Literalist Institutes aka LifeWay Press!


Pirate Radio Invents A New Biblical Theology Detector

May 5, 2010

Worried that your church or your home may be infiltrated by Emergents  or any of the other heretical type reprobated people like Catholics, New Age Apostates and Arminians? Never fear Pirate Radio has teamed up with we of God’s Only Inerrant Party and the Online Discernmentalist Mafia to bring you the new Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector. Now you can verify if someone has Biblical Theology or not before they even come into your vicinity. Just place our Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector near a doorway, gate or anyother type of entryway and let the Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector work it’s magic for you.

The Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector will automatically detect if someone has Biblically verifiable theology or wishy-washy ignore-it-or-make-it-up-or-change-it-to-suit-us so-called theology. If someone has Biblically verifiable theology the green Pass sign will light up while playing a Bible-Based tune like the hit song and theme song of GOIP-Lander: God Hates The World or it’s love theme: Broken Wings. However if someone has wishy-washy ignore-it-or-make-it-up-or-change-it-to-suit-us so-called theology the red Alarm sign will frantically flash while sending volts of electricity into the perpetrator and also filling their ears with loud and foul sounds.

You’ll never have to worry about the ungodly and unbiblical ever infiltrating your Holy grounds again with the Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector protecting the Purity of your Doctrines and the Sanctity of  your vicinity. Now you can remain unsensitive to Seekers with ease with the Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector doing all the work for you. The Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector not only works on people but also on pets and objects as well. It also functions as an Absolute Truth detector and also verifies Biblically-correct theology in books. The Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector also comes in a version for automobiles and other vehicles—never let the ungodly ride with you. Customer  satisfaction guarenteed!

One of our satisfied customers after using our Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector:

pirate77 said…Intolerant fool? If you are not tolerant of Todd Friel, what does that make you? I’ll take his Biblically verifiable theology over the wishy-washy ignore-it-or-make-it-up-or-change-it-to-suit-us so-called theology that has been initiated by people like Joel Osteen, Brian McLaren (whom you seem to love) and Doug Pagitt, just to name a few. —May 4, 2010 11:23 AM

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