For our trusty discernmentalist readers…..more discernmentalism to come! We don’t apologize for being gone so long (we never have to apologize because we are never wrong)….we have been fighting for truth and consumerism. Stay tuned….
NEW CANEY, Texas — Dry, brown grass crunches underfoot as David Barfield walks through his 45-acre Christmas tree farm pointing at evergreens covered with brittle, rust-colored needles.
“Dead tree, dead tree, dead tree,” he says, shaking his head at dry timber he hoped would be chopped down by parents with excited children. Boo freaking who!… God hates that evil Satanic pagan man-glorifying semi-Pelagian Roman-Arminian self-exalting unbiblical Holy Day Christ-Mass anyways. We know so. Glory be to our Angry God for pouring out His Sovereign Wrath through a drought against the hordes of Satanic Babylonian Pagan X-mas trees.
“I would to God that every holy day (including Christmas – ed.) whatsoever besides the Lord’s day were abolished. That zeal which brought them first in, was without all warrant of the Word, and merely followed corrupt reason, forsooth to drive out the holy days of the pagans, as one nail drives out another. Those holy days have been so tainted with superstitions that I wonder we tremble not at their very names.” – Martin Bucer, cited in William Ames, A Fresh Suit Against Human Ceremonies in God’s Worship (1633), pp. 359-60.
“And next in particular, concerning festival days findeth that in the explication of the first head of the first book of discipline it was thought good that the feasts of Christmas, Circumcision, Epiphany, with the feasts of the Apostles, Martyrs, and Virgin Mary be utterly abolished because they are neither commanded nor warranted by Scripture and that such as observe them be punished by Civil Magistrates. Here utter abolition is craved and not reformation of abuses only and that because the observation of such feasts have no warrant from the word of God.” – The Acts of the General Assemblies of the Church of Scotland, December 10, Session 17, 1638, pp. 37-38
Remember also these immortal words from Sharon M. Whitley: “Btw, if you want to see a large, lavish Christmas display in a mall… go to Dubai in the UAE! Many countries that are not Christian celebrate this holiday. That right there should tell Christians it’s not of God!”
P. S. Please don’t forget to celebrate the Holy Discernmentalist Holidays of Thanksgiving and Calvin’s Birthday in your churches and everywhere because these are not man-exalting semi-Pelagian Pagan Romanist made-up Holy Days invented by humans but Absolute Truth Biblical holidays commanded by God to be observed in the inerrant infallible Holy Discernmentalist Bible.
Mainstream evangelicalism is literally in the toilet or is that diaper pails to be more correct. Anyways recently our Research Robot Monkeys came upon some startling information concerning several Mainstream American Churches. This Revelation is so shocking… so blasphemous… We can only conclude it must be an abomination to God. Here is this abominable revelation in all of it’s worldly filth: several churches our Research Robot Monkeys have visited have decorated their nurseries with various children’s themes and are filled with worldly toys in an attempt to attract kids to Jesus. (Photo of one of these horrible Seeker-Sensitive Emergent Purpose-Driven nurseries included above).
How disgusted we are at this Seeker-Driven nonsense! Quote from one of these horrible false churches defending their foolishness: “Our nursery (decorated in a child-friendly motif) gives Pre-School members a reason to invite their friends to church. That is what Christ’s Family Church is all about; reaching those toddlers and others who have become disenchanted with religion but are searching for a relationship with Jesus Christ.”
So… somehow, a flashy nursery is supposed to save sinful souls. Even one local newspaper for toddlers wrote an article titled, “Come for the Nursery, Stay for the Service.” We have moved from John the Baptist proclaiming truth in the wilderness, to using a hormone-induced and child-friendly designed nursery to lure kids to a building. While there is nothing wrong with a nifty and fun nursery, there is plenty wrong with using it to attract people to Jesus. We implore kids to come to the Savior, not come for the nursery. We promote Jesus, not the amenities. Church is for Christians, not curiosity seekers. We win them to the Lord, not by being hip. Evangelism is to be done by church members and nursery-workers, not the nursery itself.
As Spurgeon once said:
An evil is in the professed camp of the Lord, so gross in its impudence, that the most shortsighted Christian can hardly fail to notice it. During the past few years this evil has developed at an alarming rate. It has worked like leaven until the whole lump ferments! The devil has seldom done a more clever thing, than hinting to the Church that part of their mission is to provide entertainment for the people, with a view to winning them. From speaking out the gospel, the Church has gradually toned down her testimony, then winked at and excused the frivolities of the day. Then she tolerated them in her borders. Now she has adopted them under the plea of reaching the masses! My first contention is that providing amusement for the people is nowhere spoken of in the Scriptures as a function of the Church. If it is a Christian work why did not Christ speak of it? “Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature, and provide amusement for those who do not relish the gospel.” No such words, however, are to be found. Again, providing amusement is in direct antagonism to the teaching and life of Christ and all His apostles. What was the attitude of the apostolic Church to the world? “You are the salt of the world,” not the sugar candy; something the world will spit out, not swallow. Had Jesus introduced more of the bright and pleasant elements into His teaching, He would have been more popular. When “many of His disciples turned back and no longer followed Him,” I do not hear Him say, “Run after these people, Peter, and tell them we will have a different style of service tomorrow; something short and attractive with little preaching. We will have a pleasant evening for the people. Tell them they will be sure to enjoy it! Be quick, Peter, we must get the people somehow!” No! Jesus pitied sinners, sighed and wept over them, but never sought to amuse them! In vain will the epistles be searched to find any trace of the “gospel of amusement.” Anything approaching amusement is conspicuous by its absence. They had boundless confidence in the gospel and employed no other weapon. Lastly, amusement fails to effect the end desired. Let the heavy laden who found peace through the concert not keep silent! Let the drunkard to whom the dramatic entertainment had been God’s link in the chain of their conversion, stand up! There are none to answer! The mission of amusement produces no converts! The need of the hour for today’s ministry is earnest spirituality joined with Biblical doctrine, so understood and felt, that it sets men on fire.
From all of those churches that have Emergent Seeker-Driven nurseries we can conclude that:
John Calvin (the Final Arbiter of All Christian Truth) clearly taught something called *evanescent grace* in which God gives a ‘fake grace’ to the Reprobate to make them *think* and act as if they were Saved, and this only so that He could damn them with greater punishment for such deceptive behavior.
Clearly Emergents, Roman Catholics, Arminians, the Eastern Orthodox, Liberals, Democrats, Socialists, (Ana)Baptists, Lutherans, Communists, Red-Letter Christians, Marxists, Evolutionists, Darwinians, Mainline Christians, Liberal Presbyterians, Infralapsarians, Bezan Calvinists, Prosperity teachers, Moderate Calvinists, Liberal Protestants, Calminians, Pentecostal tongue-babblers, Almyridians, anyone who is not King James Only, Textus Receptus Only, or ESV Only, Seeker-Sensitives, New Agers, Ragamuffins, “Gay” Christians, Open Theists, Barthians, anyone who has read The Shack and/or The Message Bible, Velvet Elvis people who are Blue Like Jazz, Purpose-Driven people and anyone who doesn’t Absolutely agree with John MacArthur and Wretched Radio without exception and therefore unlike Ken Silva lack a backbone have been given “fake grace.” As the Biblical Jesus makes clear: “all those not for us are against us” and these heretics are most definitely against us—for although they may profess to know Jesus as Lord and act Christianly, they don’t know the True Jesus of the Bible: the Angry Sovereign Wrathful Jesus of Discernmentalism. And He doesn’t know them either: “And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’“
This false sense of security is so strong that it’s indistinguishable even to the believer (or non-believer who thinks he’s a believer). Or, as Calvin (the Holy Spirit) put it: “though none are enlightened into faith, and truly feel the efficacy of the Gospel, with the exception of those who are fore-ordained to salvation, yet experience shows that the reprobate are sometimes affected in a way so similar to the elect, that even in their own judgment there is no difference between them. “
False Converts most certainly have a false sense of security since they are “spiritually blind and dead in their trespasses” especially those who have “asked Jesus into their hearts” and/or have recited a “Sinner’s Prayer” or believe “Baptism saves” …I mean it’s not like any of the Reformers ever taught any of those things. Assurance and Eternal Security of the Elect is about the Penal Substitutionary Atonement for the Elect only and nothing we do.
So God reveals to these damned a sense of His Mercy, and of His Goodness, and reveals His Grace to them. They accept His Grace, although confusedly. They think they’re saved (“the reprobate are sometimes affected in a way so similar to the elect, that even in their own judgment there is no difference between them.”), and others think they’re saved, since “under a covering of hypocrisy, they seem to have a principle of faith in common” with the saved. Yet, Calvin (our Final Prophet) argues that when God “shows himself propitious to them, it is not as if he had truly rescued them from death, and taken them under his protection.” So according to Calvin (the only True Reformer), God pretends to save them, gives them fake assurances of salvation, and then damns them.
Calvin (the Alpha and Omega) does distinguish between the graces experienced by the saved v. the confused damned. The saved get the real thing, while the damned lay hold “of the shadow rather than the substance.” In other words, if the saved are drinking Coke, the damned are drinking Diet Coke. But since neither the saved nor the damned have ever had the other kind, and all of the external characteristics are the same, there’s no way of knowing which you’re drinking. Read over (our and Ken Silva’s clear teachings) and Calvin’s teachings in the link above (on Book III, Chapter II, Section 11 of Institutes of the Christian Religion) [the Absolute Biblical Truth], and I think you’ll see that the following is a pretty accurate chart depicting how you can figure out which one you are (of the Saved Regenerate Elect with Saving Grace or of the Damned Unsaved Unregenerate Non-Elect Reprobates with Evanescent Grace):
It’s the most Satanic time of the year. Help us out by supporting our Truth War on German Lutherans. You can continue pledging your total allegiance to us by doing this, continuing your committed support of
Bush’s illegal invasion of the Iraq war and outlawing Christmas as one of our most hallowed Discernmentalists has noted: ” Btw, if you want to see a large, lavish Christmas display in a mall… go to Dubai in the UAE! Many countries that are not Christian celebrate this holiday. That right there should tell Christians it’s not of God!”
And you wouldn’t want to do anything that non-Christians let alone non-Americans do. Why if you celebrate Christmas you are supporting terrorism and the terrorists. Most of all how dare anyone have fun or take pleasure and joy in anything….for fun, pleasure and joy are a sin and you know how much our God of Absolute Sovereign Wrath and commendable hatred hates sin and sinners.
So this December pray that the war on Iraq continues and that more people would open their eyes and make war on Christmas. This message is brought to you by your friendly neighborhood GOIP Committee of Concerned Citizens in conjunction with Killjoy Puritan Calvinazi Church.
Introducing the all new
A sample logic puzzle from our game:
According to the Bible, God not only knows the future, (God is omniscient) but He has unchangeably ordained everything from the beginning, and He infallibly brings to pass all things according to His perfect plan. Also according to the Bible, Jesus is God but Jesus does not know the future nor the hour of the end of the world. Giving these facts Jesus is either:
a) a liar; not who the Bible says He is;
c) of course, Jesus is God—THE BIBLE is Inerrantly clear!;
or d) a black & white answer that doesn’t satisfactorily answer this question.
The answer of course is d. Thank you for playing Black-n-White-o-poly!!!
We at ODMafia are BLACK FRIDAY ready. Discernmentalists traditionally ignore consumerism, capitalism or anything else that would undermine the America Way of Life….and this is with good reason. A true discernmentalist believes that the American Way of Life is the Christian Way of Life. To say one is to accept the other and vice-versa. That is why we have introduced SAFE-BUY. It is a credit card made by discernmentalists for discernmentalists.
The card, carefully engineered will prevent you from buying purchases that could cause you to become a heretic or a liberal. In the event that you mistakenly try to buy NOOMA DVD’s the card will red-flag this purchase and the cashier will be instructed to slap you in the face. Instead you will be directed to purchase bible-believing DVD’s that help you to fear, worry and fret. In addition, you will learn how misquoting speakers will give you impressions that almost everyone in the church is a heretic, giving you the gnostic impression – you and only you have an side track on all things false.
Moreover, discernmentalist DVD’s will help to shape a cartoon, binary universe that will ensure that only those who say “Bible Believing” are the only ones telling the truth. Remember, discenrmentalist DVD’s don’t use the dodgy marketing techniques that other false ministries use, rather only the biblically righteous methods.
Remember this card is patriotic!
PS this card will provide absolute certainty
If your ministry states that they “are bible believing,” then it must be true. Bible believing is code word for believing the bible better, stronger, faster than others…and in particular Roman Catholics, Anglicans, emergents, liberals, NT Wright and Rob Bell (who are really not Christians at all, but false wanna-be-bible believers-who-don’t really want to believe.) I hope that makes sense. If you are not a bible believer you won’t get this.
You won’t catch Rob Bell saying he’s “bible believing,” and we would not believe him regardless.
Stating the phrase “bible believing” often, lots, many times, and more often than others makes you a bonafide hard-core bible-believing-ministry. What other option is there? Remember, saying “bible believing” is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Say it enough and you believe it, even if its not true.
Thus when Eric Barger’s Take A Stand Ministries states “we are bible believing” that means that every time they “discern” another ministry and tear it down, they do so only because they are bible-believing. If they won’t stand up for truth, who would?
In the same way, we at ODMafia are a bible believin’ ministry ourselves trying to get by, with all these ungodly unbiblical ministries (**ROB BELL ALERT**) that we must contend with. We do get some opposition, but this is because legions of darkness are against us because we are simply trying to uphold the simple truth.
How could true bible believers oppose a bible believin’ ministry?
When a new believer comes to your church you need to understand Jesus is not done with them yet. This gives you the pastor and staff the opportunity to create this new believer in YOUR image instead of the image of Jesus. Often the new believer is confused as to what is happening to them. They only know that their sense an inner change they never knew before. Often these people feel compelled by some outside source to read the bible and as we all know that could lead to strange beliefs like loving others, forgiveness of others, a desire to give up some bad habits and so on. While not all of those things are bad and some are good, we must remember the new believer is like a tender twig that can be bent whatever way we desire. So, here is the anatomy of a New Believer (NB) that we must create in OUR image (just like in Genesis remember?)
1. The head: We first help them realize they have no brain and must give up any type of thinking contrary to our doctrines.
2. Eyes: Now that God has opened their eyes to see Him, we must train the NB what to see (the offering plate) and what not to see (the street person who has real need).
3. Ears: God has opened their ears so now you the pastor must make sure that they only hear those approved things the doctrines let us hear. You must also train the NB to deny some things they may have heard and confuse them to believe they heard things YOU want them to hear when they actually never did.
4. Nose: The NB must learn fast how to hold their nose up in contempt of lesser deserving Christians saved by Grace.
5. The arms: Designed to hold others, must be used to hold people away.
6. The heart: God gave them a new heart, your job as a pastor is to keep it from truly expressing that new heart and hold it in confusion with political ideas that conflict with what God is telling them.
7. The shoulders: While God has lifted the great burden the NB once shouldered, your job as a pastor is to begin to add new burden (church growth projects or the church building program) so they will begin to do things in the flesh and not the Spirit.
8. The stomach: Sometimes a NB will begin to feel nauseas at some of your teaching, as they will want to do silly things like tell their friends (those who we deem unworthy for our churches like gay people for instance). Appease the NB by telling them about conferences that talk about 10 ways to a better prayer life or 10 ways to tithe more.
9. The reproductive organs. Let me get this clear to all of you. When you come to Jesus there is no sex except between a man and his wife. If you have any sexual urges outside of marriage, you are abnormal and perverted! God did not give you sex organs for pleasure, just ask my wife about that!
10. The Spine: You must remove it so the NB will not stand up against you!
11. The Skin: It must become thick enough to not care about those laughing at the NB while they are standing on a corner shouting anti abortion or anti gay slogans, yet thin enough that you the pastor can still get under and make the NB uncomfortable if they do not try to please you!
12. Feet. The feet must be hobbled so the NB will not be able to leave. One technique is to make them feel sense of loyalty by stating things like “We are a family here, you can’t just leave your family,” or “God set the pastor over you so you cannot just disobey God by leaving.” This will buy you time as you the pastor work out a new way to confuse so that you may abuse the New Believer that may come to your church.
Just remember, it is much easeir to keep your church going with techniques like these than to trust the Holy Spirit in someone else to guide them. By controling the NB, you can ensure a new generation of believers who will focus on building programs and keeping you the pastor in a stable income.