August 17, 2010
Our every truthful, always discerning Research Robot Monkeys have discovered a lake in Peru: Lake Titicaca. You KNOW as well as I do what this name entails!!!! The name is littered with verbal filth and vulgarity…and our readers should be shielded from this. We are not surprised at all, especially when found in a foreign country. As a matter of fact we believe that there are NO Christians in Peru and therefore would explain why a lake would have such a heinous name. It is probably that there are no Christians in Peru because there are no freedom loving Republicans who live there.
We are encouraging all our faithful discernmentalist brethren to place a ban on Lake Titicaca. In fact we implore you to boycott his lake by taking a stand and NOT going on vacation at Lake Titicaca. We therefore ask Eric’s Take A Stand, Crosstalk, Apprising Ministries, Brannon Howse, Lighthouse Trails, Discerning the World and others to truly fight this until Peru CHANGES the name of this dastardly lake. Let’s strike back at darkness, by proclaiming absolute biblical truth….this is a war worth fighting.
PS IF Peru will not relent on the name change, we will lobby congress to begin lobbing bombs until freedom reigns in Peru!
June 11, 2010
A new era of ministry is expected to unfold with this BOLD invention says iTodyaso, head of Online Discernment Researchmentalism and Design! This incredible piece of discernment hardware will take truth warriors to a place where truth warriors have attempted to go before. Fellow warriors will take contempt to a whole new level; it is the difference between a lit match and a nuclear explosion under the control of a mighty bible warrior. Enmity, strife & hate can be magnified into righteous indignation at the drop of a hate hat, or the flick of a switch. Remember, this device can be used in conjunction with fear, circular arguments & leaps of logic. Keep in mind DonJobson has been secretly using this for weeks under careful observation and clinical trials before this device was released to the public.
Soon ODMs all over the planet will use this device to heap judgment on anyone who gets in OUR way of the truth.
PS remember, judgment over mercy!
May 12, 2010
They came from beyond….modernism. Thankfully in this movie the MIGHTY ONLINE DISCERNMENTALISTS come to the rescue defending the American Gospel and modernism in one fell-swoop. Our heroes attempt to thwart the EMERGENT SAUCERS against those whochallenge TRUE theology which every bible-believing-right-wing Christian knows has been frozen in the 16th Century (and rescued again by Spurgeon)…and that absolute authentic theology was formulated, articulated, defended and argued from that time period and no other. There is no tweaking, investigating, re-articulating, questioning, or any contextualizing what-so-over….ever. Therefore, when the ugly emergent hordes from beyond come along they must be hunted down and their flying saucers and destroyed!
Just like the Roman Catholic Church, and Islam NOTHING shall be questioned!!! In fact if the Pope can speak ex cathedra…so can Calvin (his doctrines are UNCHANGEABLE). If the Roman Church is unchangeable, we can be the same! This is why this discernmentalist movie had to be made. We had to point to the 16th Century truth….and show it in its absolutes…and with all your favourite heroes!
Here is one of the heretical-saucer-emergent-horde quotes from beyond that disgust us (and hopefully you too) and you will find in this great movie “you have to have essentials and common doctrines of belief. Let’s go to a core doctrine… if one doesn’t believe in the resurrection of Jesus (as some don’t who do call themselves “Christian”) you then have very different understandings of Jesus and what it means to follow Him. You either follow a dead Jesus who did not rise from the dead or….” (Dan Kimball) We deleted the rest of the quote to leave you hanging and to feel threatened by Kimball’s mysterious ending (hopefully you can muster some slander against this man!) We also deleted any parts of the movie that would give any favourable light to the Emergent scum. We thought that that was only fair since WE represent THE TRUTH.
Enjoy the movie!
April 25, 2010
The ODmafia Research Robot Monkeys have been doing their homework and discovered this incredible discernmentalist insight by Paul Proctor “Today, they’re [church'] largely filled with bedridden believers who pass the time in and out small group therapy, languishing over their ills and misfortunes – forever discussing their aches and pains with anyone who’ll listen – lying around moaning and groaning about daily discomforts, inconveniences and “felt needs””
How does Paul know this?
1) Paul gets his information the same way I do, he intercepts the brainwaves of parishioners from across the continent and draws judgmental conclusions from it.
2) Paul Proctor has spent billions of hours in churches across America
My immediate inclination (which is always correct) is that Paul Proctor has a special discernmentalist vortex that allows him to see into the minds of others….instead of having to attend 10’s of thousands of churches every sunday, interviewing, polling to ascertain who is a moaner and who is a groaner (when we’re really lucky – its both!!!)
Pay no attention to the fact that Mr. Proctor is moaning and groaning about his fellow believers. Its simply enough that he is pointing out the ills of others… and we submit that we like this sort of discernment….in fact we advocate it.