McCarthy Ministries has done it again. They’ve caught Bible Monkey in the midst of “Pinkness” which is practically Red for all of our paranoid purposes. McCarthy Ministries has also drawn up a list of character traits to be suspect of:
A new era of ministry is expected to unfold with this BOLD invention says iTodyaso, head of Online Discernment Researchmentalism and Design! This incredible piece of discernment hardware will take truth warriors to a place where truth warriors have attempted to go before. Fellow warriors will take contempt to a whole new level; it is the difference between a lit match and a nuclear explosion under the control of a mighty bible warrior. Enmity, strife & hate can be magnified into righteous indignation at the drop of a hate hat, or the flick of a switch. Remember, this device can be used in conjunction with fear, circular arguments & leaps of logic. Keep in mind DonJobson has been secretly using this for weeks under careful observation and clinical trials before this device was released to the public.
Soon ODMs all over the planet will use this device to heap judgment on anyone who gets in OUR way of the truth.
PS remember, judgment over mercy!
Dr. I. Todyaso underwent Cybernetic Heresy Hunting Surgery earlier today in order to increase our Heresy Hunting efficiency by 300% more than the average rate of other ODMs especially Ken Silva’s Raw Sewage Ministries. If Dr. I. Todyaso’s surgery goes well the rest of the Online Discernmentalist Mafia hope to follow suit bringing our Heresy Hunting accuracy to over 1000%. This new Cybernetic Heresy Hunting Surgery will also help in our preaching the Gospel of God’s Law and Wrath to all—pictured here:
Discernmentalist after undergoing Cybernetic Heresy Hunting Surgery threatens an Emergent heretic with the Gospel of God’s Law and Wrath and Hell.
We’ll also be able to teach Discernmentalist skills such as Self Righteousness to a wider range audience:
And in the end our army of Discernmentalists after undergoing Cybernetic Heresy Hunting Surgery will be able to bring Doomsday upon all that we deem heretical:
Using Eric Barger’s STRETCH and Revisionist Technology and Todd Friel’s Subliminal Brainwashing microwaves Ken Silva and his loyal band of Discernmentalists have found a way to hit the Preteen/Tween and Teenage television markets. The first of their fruits is:
Weekends at 9:30AM
All times ET/PTThat’s So Discernmentalist is a new live-action situation comedy starring Raven (formerly credited as Raven-Symone, The Cosby Show) as Reagan “Marxist” Basher, a winsome Capitalist-loving teen whose ability to glimpse flashes of the future and know all through perfect osmosis cause trouble whenever she meets Emergent and Red-Letter Christians. Helping her out (or sometimes into) these predicaments are her best friends Eddie Silva and Chelsea Barger, whose loyalty can be counted on whether Reagan’s escapades involve hilarious disguises, hostile government overthrows of corporations by God’s Only Inerrant/Republican Party, exploitation, discernmentalism or a hint of danger. Allowing her flights of fancy — yet eager to keep her feet on the ground — are Reagan’s parents, Victoria and Todd “Emergent” Basher. And then there’s precocious kid brother Cory, who is both an annoyance and invaluable resource to his big sis. Cory not only idolizes Final President Reagan and Capitalism, but the love of money is his total root motivation with all his wacky ”get rich quick” business schemes. Watch with the whole family and learn these Discernmentalist values: arrogance, greed, haughtiness, Capitalist Materialism, divisionism, knowing by osmosis, condescending selfishness, avarice, revisionism, strawman arguments, how to listen to only yourself when you yell and scream at your opponents and much much more…©GOIP ProductionsLength: 00:23
Genre: Children, Sitcom, Comedy
Original Airdate: 2003+7/10
Slice of Laodicea (SoL) reveals startling news “Rob Bell, whose skin has apparently taken on a permanent bluish tinge, (too many shots of wheatgrass juice?)” WOW!
Our Discernmentalist team (our Research Robot Monkeys are on vacation) was on the beat and in Grand Rapids within weeks of this ground breaking news about his outer appearance (because that is very important to us!) It appears that Rob is going with a New Zoolander look that he has been creating and working on (mostly in a lab) called Blue Steel 2.0. It is more slicker, hipper, cooler, poutier (is that a word???) and newer than anything previously done. Indeed SoL fittingly responds (according to secret sources) “Rob will be sporting the latest pair of utterly cool glasses as well as his New Age beliefs.” Apparently while in his Blue Steel lab has also switched religions.
The Online Discernmentalist Mafia had no comments (besides the obvious), but trusts with complete confidence that SoL would never leap to conclusions. Moreover, as an EXPERT discernmentalist ministry we always look at the exterior of a pastor before passing judgment.
The Post-Emergent Church
The Post-Emergent Church Of The Future—For old people that never grow out of their youth. A non-seeker-sensitive approach to church: How to lose friends and alienate people. The Post-Emergent Church will return us back to fundamentalism while still remaining relevant. Praise Hymn Rock Songs Include:
In Awe Of Thy 600+ Commandments, Praise Jesus 25x Chorus, Jesus Is Coming Now Grab Your Guns, We’re Old But We’re Still Young In Church, A Mighty Fortress Is Our Bible, I Saw Jesus Shoot A Heretic But He Did Not Shoot The Deputy, We Hold The Absolute Truth And So Can You, We’ll Annoy You With One More Praise Chorus, We Wish You A Servetus Barbecue, O I Hope My Shoe Is Holey Enough For The Rapture and Raise A Banner Of War On The Non-Elect
Confession of Faith: Legalism is Lord. Church services will include inquisitions on non-believers followed by forced baptisms. Afterwards, we’ll have a pot luck lunch. Everyone wins—souls that is! Rainbow wigs available after your first forced communion.
If we ODM’s had a patron saint, Don Quixote would be the one. But because we ODM’s know everything that the Roman Catholic Church believes in and do is heretical we don’t have a patron saint. But if we had one it would be Saint Don Quixote.
To Don Quixote’s his truth is all that counted. If he saw a giant that had to be slayed he charged forth in almost holy anger to meet the windmill in battle. Reality and people trying to tell him about reality didn’t take away from his focus to valiantly fight the dangerous giants of his imagination.
Today we ODM’s have to face similar giants just as the brave Don Quixote did. We should never be swayed by the facts of reality so that we lose focus of our imaginarydangerous foes. People may question where we get our proof from about these giants but we don’t answer to nobody so we don’t have to tell them that we dreamed it all up.
In this tradition of imaginary giants one ODM stands out above the rest and therefor deserve the Don Quixote Award. The ODMafia is honoured to present this prestigious award to Discerning The World. The bravery and determination with which DTW storms the spiritual windmillsgiants of our time is truly inspiring. Posts like this one* raises the bar of tenacity to stick to an argument no matter if the facts show otherwise. This is a great example of how links should be made where none exist and DTW is an expert in this field.
We congratulate DTW and encourage all ODM’s to follow this excellent example of following Don Quixote’s footsteps. Let us charge forth in ignorance!
*NOTE: In another ODM tradition I have not read this piece fully and just assumed it said what I think it says by scanning through and pick what I want to say it means what I say it means. I am never wrong so I am right in my assessment of the piece.
Fighting for the Truth