December 7, 2010
Introducing the all new
the fun new Bible-based game for Discernmentalist families to practice their pretzel-logic skills.
A sample logic puzzle from our game:
According to the Bible, God not only knows the future, (God is omniscient) but He has unchangeably ordained everything from the beginning, and He infallibly brings to pass all things according to His perfect plan. Also according to the Bible, Jesus is God but Jesus does not know the future nor the hour of the end of the world. Giving these facts Jesus is either:
a) a liar; not who the Bible says He is;
b) God does not know (all of) the future, He takes risks, learns lessons, makes mistakes and changes His mind (Open Theism);
c) of course, Jesus is God—THE BIBLE is Inerrantly clear!;
or d) a black & white answer that doesn’t satisfactorily answer this question.
The answer of course is d. Thank you for playing Black-n-White-o-poly!!!
May 12, 2010
They came from beyond….modernism. Thankfully in this movie the MIGHTY ONLINE DISCERNMENTALISTS come to the rescue defending the American Gospel and modernism in one fell-swoop. Our heroes attempt to thwart the EMERGENT SAUCERS against those whochallenge TRUE theology which every bible-believing-right-wing Christian knows has been frozen in the 16th Century (and rescued again by Spurgeon)…and that absolute authentic theology was formulated, articulated, defended and argued from that time period and no other. There is no tweaking, investigating, re-articulating, questioning, or any contextualizing what-so-over….ever. Therefore, when the ugly emergent hordes from beyond come along they must be hunted down and their flying saucers and destroyed!
Just like the Roman Catholic Church, and Islam NOTHING shall be questioned!!! In fact if the Pope can speak ex cathedra…so can Calvin (his doctrines are UNCHANGEABLE). If the Roman Church is unchangeable, we can be the same! This is why this discernmentalist movie had to be made. We had to point to the 16th Century truth….and show it in its absolutes…and with all your favourite heroes!
Here is one of the heretical-saucer-emergent-horde quotes from beyond that disgust us (and hopefully you too) and you will find in this great movie “you have to have essentials and common doctrines of belief. Let’s go to a core doctrine… if one doesn’t believe in the resurrection of Jesus (as some don’t who do call themselves “Christian”) you then have very different understandings of Jesus and what it means to follow Him. You either follow a dead Jesus who did not rise from the dead or….” (Dan Kimball) We deleted the rest of the quote to leave you hanging and to feel threatened by Kimball’s mysterious ending (hopefully you can muster some slander against this man!) We also deleted any parts of the movie that would give any favourable light to the Emergent scum. We thought that that was only fair since WE represent THE TRUTH.
Enjoy the movie!
May 11, 2010
We must set the record straight—- the Bible is the Literal Word of God. What this Literally means is that the human words which make up the Bible contain the Literal mind of God. We Know as we were there when God Literally dictated them to humanity. Our field agent Brainiac further explains:
The Bible is a book of words and those words are to be interpreted according to their literal sense, which means in the same sense that the author understood them. This is a principle called the Sensus Literalis, and it is an important rule of hermeneutics. If we do not interpret the words in the same sense as the author, then we obscure the author’s meaning and impose our own. If we read our own meaning in the place of God’s meaning; then we are no longer reading God’s word but our own. Therefore, we must take care to interpret the Bible literally.
We interpret the Bible literally by following the ordinary rules of language; a noun is to be read as a noun, a verb as a verb, and so on. No matter what we read or in what language we read it, a statement is always a statement and a question is always a question.
Utilizing our Absolute Biblical Certainty and our Discernmentalist logic, we will show you how to apply a literal hermeneutic to the Bible:
This is literally Jesus:
This also is literally Jesus:
And here is something else that is literally Jesus:
Stay tuned for part 2 of our exhilirating fresh new course straight from the bowels of the GOIP Online Discernmentalist Bible-Literalist Institutes aka LifeWay Press!