Be Rapture-Ready for May 21, 2011!

May 17, 2011

Prepare for May 21st and be Rapture Ready with the Online Discernmentalist Mafia’s handy new RaptureHatch for the roofs of True Churches and the homes of True Regenerate Converts. Doomsday is soon approaching… Don’t get Left Behind with the unregenerate non-Elect heathens… Let John MacArthur confirm you in our Pure Truth War Doctrines and prove that you are indeed Rapture Ready and we’ll install a RaptureHatch on your roof today!

This site (an Online Discernmentalist Mafia partner site) reveals the most complete written, audio, and video Bible teachings which conclusively prove May 21, 2011 to be Judgment Day and The Rapture, and October 21, 2011 to be the end of the world. It is most urgent to examine yourself, whether you are of the Regenerate Elect and therefore are saved.


Most Heretical Places On Earth

December 16, 2010

TOP NEWSPIN- In a recent polling undertaken by Top Discernmentalists, discernmentalists from around the globe have voted on the Most Heretical Places On Earth. In a surprise ruling Canada and California dropped to the 4th and 5th position (respectively) in the poll. Here is the official listing of the Top 5 Most Heretical Places On Earth:

  1. Armenia: full of man-loving Grace-hating semi-Pelagian Mary-worshiping Papal idolatry celebrating Roman Arminianists; a road straight to Rome; none who live here have any hope of salvation; all are unsaved non-Elect reprobates
  2. Montana: the Montanist state nough said! The heretic named Iggy lives here.
  3. Germany: birthplace of Lutheranism; untouched by the Protestant Reformation; spiritually dead*
  4. Canada: or Canuckistan is a communist country; full of drug addicts, pacifists and queers; produces sin-promoting television shows
  5. California: too liberal; clone of Canada; full of fornicators; other reasons 

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*- Further Reading: Truly Reformed; Lutherans not Truly Reformed; Dortian Calvinism Truly Reformed


The Heart Of The Discernmentalist Gospel

November 2, 2010

Most of you are going to hell because you were not specially chosen and frozen like We God’s Truth Biblical Elect (Calvinazis) are—so quake now in mortal fear and terror at the horrors that await ye, reprobates, especially if you are Roman Catholic, Arminian, a Pentecostal tongue-babbler, Emergent, queer or even worse all of the above:

P.S. Hell is a “real place” so We’d hate to be all of you reprobates (non-Calvinazis) on the day that you die so remember We tried to lovingly warn you by the Absolute Truth of our Pure Doctrines which have saved Us from an eternity in flames.

P. P. S. This is also warning to Pastorboy aka (Name withheld upon request) to get back in line with our Pure Doctrines.


McCarthy Ministries Puts Bible Monkey On Watchlist

July 29, 2010

McCarthy Ministries has done it again. They’ve caught Bible Monkey  in the midst of “Pinkness” which is practically Red for all of our paranoid purposes. McCarthy Ministries has also drawn up a list of character traits to be suspect of:


New team detects commies

July 27, 2010

It wasn’t long and McCarthy Ministries and ODMafia have already detected communists amongst our supposed discernmentalist ranks. It just makes me so angry, so frustrated that we would be betrayed by one of our own. But being the biblical ministry that we are, and trusting in the truthfulness of the bible more than others we had to come out and simply state the truth. Apprising Ministries uses FAR too much red in their logo-header and web page….this should set off alarm bells because Communist China and USSR both used red in their flags. Speaking of “bells” Rob Bell once questioned sola scripture. Simply having a question about this theological construct is enough for us discernmentalists to state emphatically that Rob Bell does not believe in the bible.  Fans and interested readers – Are you drawing the same insightful parallels as we are? If you are not, you probably are very BAD discernmentalist, or a complete failure or a false teacher like Rob Bell -besides  you are totally unbiblical and had a doubt in your mind at some point.

Finally, anyone who has too much red is probably a communist. It is best to assume guilt until proven innocent. By that time rumours will abound so extensively across the internet it won’t matter – you will be labled and branded whatever association we decide.

Truthslayer

Please note that we found that former non-discernmentalist Slice of Laodicea is also linked to communism even before our mighty partnership with McCarthy Ministries.


Mobile Discernmentalists Unit

March 25, 2010

Recently the Department of Motorized Discernmentalism created a new Highway Discernmentalist Patrol Unit aka the Mobile Discernmentalism Unit or MobDU for short.

MobDU‘s primary tasks are:

  • Discernmentalizing Eco-friendly vehicles
  • Tagging and registering non-gas guzzling vehicles
  • Making sure all vehicles on the road pollute the environment in order to speed up Jesus’ hasty yet sure return, the End Times and the Rapture
  • Checking  to see if all cars have at least one unregenerate reprobated non-Elect heathen on board just in case the Rapture happens soon as those Left Behind will need to man the car
  • Scouting out Emergent Vehicles
  • Alerting Discernmentalists whenever  Brian McLaren’s Monster Truck and Dan Kimball’s Spider Vehicle of Doom are nearby

Among other Discernmentalizing tasks—also meet our new Armored MobDU Patrol Unit for extra protection against Doctrinal Impurities, the Emerging Apostasy, Emergentness and other such Heresies:


United We Stand Against Social Justice!

March 21, 2010

We are not Ecumenical as Ecumenism compromises our Pure Doctrines and the True Gospel…. but…. United We Stand…in our diverse ways of  hatred. United we stand in bigotry and arrogance. United We stand in slandering and libel. United We stand in haughtiness. United We stand in Discernmentalism, greed and True Americanism…United We Stand as DUASJ (Discernmentalists United Against Social Justice).

We Know that Social Justice is evil. We Know that Social Justice is anti-American. We Know that Jesus never talked about Social Justice at all. We Know that Jesus only talked about buying a ticket to Heaven for the Elect and the Elect chosen and frozen few only as that is the Gospel. We also Know that Social Justice is a code word for Communism, Marxism and Socialism as Jan Markell explains:

The causes of the religious Left are exclusively social, socialism, and social justice (just another term for socialism.)  You can read about them on the various Web sites such as the National Council of Churches (NCC).  Some representatives are more extreme than others, but most are cozying up to “liberation theology,” various Marxist dictators, amnesty for illegals (also being promoted by the National Association of Evangelicals), socialized medicine, pacifism, opposition to welfare reform, and even a resistance to a missile shield for America!  Some of them even want a “truth commission” to examine U.S. war atrocities.  And for this crowd, “Obamacare” is a dream come true. As I write this, they are denouncing the few pro-life Democrats who could bring “Obamacare” to a halt.

We also Know that there is no such thing as Social Injustice and that the only social sins are homosexuality and abortion as Jan Markell further states:

And then there is Jim Wallis, who represents a ministry known as Sojourners. He’s a 1960s Communist who worked with the radical Students for a Democratic Society (SDS). He realized he had to moderate to the center and be a socialist as the years went by. He is making appearances on Christian college campuses and hitting it out of the park with his messages. His thrust is to get students to quit focusing on abortion and same-sex marriage and, start to think about “social justice” issues. 

 Discernmentalists, We must take a stand in our diverse ways of  hatred against Social Justice as Discernmentalists United Against Social Justice. Together we can make a difference in our diverse ways of fear-mongering so that we can halt the Communist menace that is out to destroy Our America, Our Gospel, Our Churches and Our Pure Doctrines.


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