Continuing our Pure Science series:
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Posted by donjobson
In a world that gets more and more technologically sophisticated, ODM scientists have concluded that eggs may be THE culprit for the spread of the emerging hordes. It has been suggested that the proteins found in eggs may help disseminate the deadly emerging disease. By scanning each egg for a particular enzyme it may be theoretically possible to reduce the growth of this outrageous movement.
Slice of Laodicea (now Crostalk), Apprising Ministries, Take A Stand, Herescope, Discerning the World and ODMafia are now rejecting eggs wholesale (just to be paranoid safe). Just a reminder – An egg free world will lead to an emergent free world. iTodyaso, deep in his emergent free-bomb resistant bunker suggested “I refuse to ingest ANY egg products lest this leads me into emergent heresy or the use of emergent buzzwords.”
ODM scientists are now studying other food stuffs in hope of linking other heresies with possible foods (ie linking pasta with the entirety of Roman Catholicism & nuts with Charismatics).
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Posted by truthslayer
(Apprising And Freaking Out News)— On his recent vacation to a secluded beach, the vainhearted and valiant foolhardy great Pastor-Teacher-Scholar of all things Truth Warrior and Discernmentalist, Ken Silva was enjoying his relatively quiet and calm vacation away from discernmentalizing and Apprising everyone when he heard a voice suddenly saying: “Genuine Christianity is learning to live by an indwelling Christ. Genuine church life is born when groups of people are intoxicated with a glorious unveiling of their Lord.” (Source: Jesus Manifesto). Turning around Ken noticed that the voice had come from a hideous and horrible looking monstrous creature from the deep known as an Evanjellyfish that had recently washed up on the shore. In it’s invisible tentacles the Evanjellyfish had a copy of Leonard Sweet and Frank Viola’s lastest heretical and apostate book, Jesus Manifesto: Restoring the Supremacy and Sovereignty of Jesus Christ. Apparently the Evanjellyfish had been quoting some of his favorite quotes from the book. Ken not being one to let things go immediately began Apprising and discernmentalizing the Evanjellyfish.— (Source). *(Editors note: for a better view of what these heretical and apostate Evanjellyfish look and sound like click on the included photograph to enlarge it for the most optimal viewing experience possible).*
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Posted by donjobson
The Bible is a book of words and those words are to be interpreted according to their literal sense,…The literal sense is the only honest way to read. Honestly, the literal sense is literally the only honest way to read. If you care what the author said, read literally. If you do not care what the author said, do not bother reading.
Be a literalist. Read the Bible literally.— Braniac.
Here are some other examples of our philosophy of Absolute Biblical Literalism and Discernmentalist logic put to work:
Discernmentalists generally have no Biblical Philosophy (other than literalism) because they aren’t brainwashed swine like Atheists who foolishing believe in Athe by denying she exists or any of the other apostate and generally heathen type peoples. Instead they follow the elightened philosophy of conservatism, except they hold others to rules but not themselves. This is a great system as it makes it impossible for them to commit any sin, but impossible for their enemies to avoid committing sin, thus proving itself and it’s followers to be inherently moral.
Example 1-Drug addict is put in rehab. Neocon says “It is not a disease, it is a crime committed by bad people with dark skin, possibly illegal immigrants! Hanging is too good for these juiced up junkies!”
Example 2-A popular right wing radio host is found to be filling out false perscriptions to feed his drug habit. Neocon says – “Well obviously the man is sick and needs treatment and understanding, not anger or punishment. How typical of heartless liberal facists to want to punish someone who needs understanding and support.”
See? You get to be in the right everytime! *(Dr. I. Todyaso did his dissertation on this at ODMafia Theolomogical Gradumatation Div. School. It is part of our Bible-Based Discernmentalist Doctrine of the Self-Justification of our Truth War Self-Righteousness in ourselves Christ).
The unwritten Neocon Discernmentalist Biblical Philosophy is as follows:
- Destroy everything, except other Neocons and Neocon ideas.
- The Bible is the word of God and should be taken literally, but only the parts you like. If you can’t find anything you like, you’re misinterpreting.
- Peaceful protests are riots in which protesters’ weapons are hidden well. Police officers should use force and tasers or rubber bullets accordingly.
- Minority groups who want their interests addressed in the government should reproduce faster. Current baby murder, sodomy, and child wife laws will be changed to help them achieve this.
- When in danger, when it doubt, run in circles, scream and shout, then blame the Non-God-Fearing Democrats.
- Life is tough, life is hard, so make it tougher and harder for everyone else.
- Refuse to take responsibility for your actions and behaviors, but hold others responsible for their actions and behavior. Loki God gives you special permission to act like a hypocrite, but not others.
- You have a right to your opinions and views, and a right to the freedom of speech. People who wish to share this right should adopt your opinions and views.
- That peasants and nobles alike shall go forth and work the land for 60 head of cattle per day. Apparently this was the first form of capitalism.
- Instead of blaming the government for terrorism, you should blame the protesters for giving them the idea in the first place. After all protest is just another form of terrorism.
- Alternatively, blame the government. Just not your government. That means blame a foreign government, like Iraq, or Iran or whatever government we tell you to blame. ‘
- Who needs facts and evidence, when the ones with the most News Networks and loudest voices, are the ones who get the public’s attention. After all, the truth is boring, but Neocon lies are exciting and make news.
- When backed into a corner during a debate, counter-attack by calling other people names like Crybaby, horseface, fat @#%^&rd, or nancy boy, but then accuse others of doing the same thing, but claim you never did such a thing.
1 Comment | absolute truth, Absolutely Certain Truth, american gospel, atheism, Bibliolatry isn't idolatry, Brainiac, Brainy Yakking, Brainy-yak, capitalism is biblical, Certainty, Conartists, crybaby, DDPT, Democrats from Hell, Discernmentalese, Discernmentalist, Dr. I. Todyaso, Easy-Believism, Education, Elect vs. non-Elect, False vs. True Converts, fear mongering, Final President Reagan, freakin' liberals!, freaking, Free Republic, Freep, Gospel of Reaganism, grace hating man lovers, Guilty by association, hate sites, Hatin' secular authors who write spiritual themed books, Hoofendorfer's Law, how we get the answer, hypocrisy, hypocrites, I*segesis, Illegal immigrants, it's all about me, John Macarthur, justified, Justify, morons, Nothing But The Truth Films, Obamanation, Obey!, Onward Christo-Fascist Soldiers!, Pure Doctrines, Religious Police, Religious right = Christianity, Right-wing, Rush Limbaugh, Sedewhitehousists, setting the standard, Sinless Elect, sinners, so get over it!, todd friel, Todd Friel/Wretched, Uncategorized, University of ODMafia, Us vs. them!, Ways of the Master Discernmentalist, We are not idiots you reprobates., We are right because we are Right Wing!, We KNOW!, will you make the final grade? | Tagged: Absolute Biblical Certitude, Discernmentalist Logic, examples, Justification, TRuth War, Ways of the Master | Permalink
Posted by donjobson
“I actually do think parts of the Bible are more valuable than others, more inspired than others. In fact, I think that some parts of the Bible have been put aside by the Christian revelation.”—Quote by Cecil Sherman, your typical Anti-Bible Biblically Illiterate unregenerate non-Christian Liberal Baptist apostate reprobated and heathen heretic.
Pre-requisites for this course: one must have completed the following courses—our course on Absolute Truth and our course on Discernmentalist Church History 101 or candidates for this course must at least have a sufficient and satisfactory grasp on Discernmentalese: the official jargon that we use around here. Your Discernmentalese must be approved by your official instructors: the esteemed Dr. Truthslayer, the wise Dr. Arthur McJohn, the illustrious Dr. I. Todyaso and yours truly the pithy Dr. Don Jobson. Candidates for this course must have also completed part 1 of our course on Bible Literalism.
The literal sense is the only honest way to read. Honestly, the literal sense is literally the only honest way to read. If you care what the author said, read literally. If you do not care what the author said, do not bother reading.
We agree as metaphors do not exist in the Discernmentalist Worldview. Everything literally means what it says as long as it doesn’t clash with our Pure Doctrines and even if it does we’ll find some way to spin it literally such as: “Οὕτως γὰρ ἠγάπησεν ὁ Θεὸς τὸν κόσμον, ὥστε τὸν Υἱὸν τὸν μονογενῆ ἔδωκεν, ἵνα πᾶς ὁ πιστεύων εἰς Αὐτὸν μὴ ἀπόληται ἀλλ᾽ ἔχῃ ζωὴν αἰώνιον” doesn’t literally mean “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life”—but literally means that God literally loves and literally only died for the Elect and the Elect only literally.
Eventhough Jesus literally said “This Is My Body” which literally interpreted means exactly what it says that the bread in Communion is literally Jesus’ literal Body, we must take a self-righteous stand in our Truth Wars and come against the Eucharist/Real Presence as it literally has no place in our Pure Bibles. A literal interpretation of “This Is My Body” literally clashes with the literalness of our Pure Doctrines. John MacArthur told us so and if he says it—it must literally be by default True because anything he literally says he speaks ex cathedra and all that he speaks is ex cathedra not to mention literally infallible Absolute Truth. However we Discernmentalists don’t need to appeal to John MacArthur to know that this is literally True. It is literally True because We Say and believe It is literally True.
We Know that in Psalm 137:9 God literally commands us to “take our babies and smash them against the rocks!”—though we literally stand against abortion. We Know that I Timothy 1:9-10 is literally about gay marriage. Everything in the Bible is about our American Gospel and can literally be summed up by our moral stances in Politics. However when Jesus says “Sell all your possessions and give to the Poor and follow Me (Matt. 19:16-26;Luke 12:33-34 and 14:33) ” He doesn’t literally mean that. We like the parts of the Bible that fit our Pure Doctrines but ignore the verses that we do not agree with, that do not make us comfortable in our American values and/or do not back up our Discernmentalist Worldview.
Neo-orthodoxy’s attitude toward Scripture is a microcosm of the entire existentialist philosophy: the Bible itself is not objectively the Word of God, but it becomes the Word of God when it speaks to me individually. In neo-orthodoxy, that same subjectivism is imposed on all the doctrines of historic Christianity. Familiar terms are used, but are redefined or employed in a way that is purposely vague—not to convey objective meaning, but to communicate a subjective symbolism. After all, any “truth” theological terms convey is unique to the person who exercises faith. What the Bible means becomes unimportant. What it means to me is the relevant issue. All of this resoundingly echoes Kierkegaard’s concept of “truth that is true for me.”
Thus while neo-orthodox theologians often sound as if they are affirming traditional beliefs, their actual system differs radically from the historic understanding of the Christian faith. By denying the objectivity of truth, they relegate all theology to the realm of subjective relativism. It is a theology perfectly suited for the age in which we live.
And that is precisely why it is so deadly.
This is why we must always interpret the Bible literally except for when it literally disagrees with our Pure Doctrines so take heart fellow Discernmentalists and remember these wise and literal words of Brainiac:
Be a literalist. Read the Bible literally. If anyone objects, ask him if you should consider his objection literally. Or, you can explain that the Bible is literature, and that there is no other way to read it but literally.
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Posted by donjobson
Our fool-proof Research Robot Monkeys are always on the prowl and on the lookout for all manner of worldliness so that we can tell you what places and things/worldly things to avoid like the worldly chocolates that Costco sells. Recently our faithful Research Robot Monkeys stumbled upon a hideous “Apostate” letter written by Shane Claiborne in the worldly magazine: Esquire. We Know that Shane’s letter is “Apostate”—just listen to some of the hideous and ungodly things that he wrote:
November 18, 2009, 9:05 AM
What If Jesus Meant All That Stuff?
This radical Christian’s ministry for the poor, The Simple Way, has gotten him in some trouble with his fellow Evangelicals. We asked him to address those who don’t believe.
By Shane Claiborne
To all my nonbelieving, sort-of-believing, and used-to-be-believing friends: I feel like I should begin with a confession. I am sorry that so often the biggest obstacle to God has been Christians. Christians who have had so much to say with our mouths and so little to show with our lives. I am sorry that so often we have forgotten the Christ of our Christianity.
Forgive us. Forgive us for the embarrassing things we have done in the name of God.
I want to invite you to consider that maybe the televangelists and street preachers are wrong — and that God really is love. Maybe the fruits of the Spirit really are beautiful things like peace, patience, kindness, joy, love, goodness, and not the ugly things that have come to characterize religion, or politics, for that matter. (If there is anything I have learned from liberals and conservatives, it’s that you can have great answers and still be mean… and that just as important as being right is being nice.)
The Bible that I read says that God did not send Jesus to condemn the world but to save it… it was because “God so loved the world.” That is the God I know, and I long for others to know. I did not choose to devote my life to Jesus because I was scared to death of hell or because I wanted crowns in heaven… but because he is good. For those of you who are on a sincere spiritual journey, I hope that you do not reject Christ because of Christians. We have always been a messed-up bunch, and somehow God has survived the embarrassing things we do in His name. At the core of our “Gospel” is the message that Jesus came “not [for] the healthy… but the sick.” And if you choose Jesus, may it not be simply because of a fear of hell or hope for mansions in heaven.
Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in the afterlife, but too often all the church has done is promise the world that there is life after death and use it as a ticket to ignore the hells around us. I am convinced that the Christian Gospel has as much to do with this life as the next, and that the message of that Gospel is not just about going up when we die but about bringing God’s Kingdom down. It was Jesus who taught us to pray that God’s will be done “on earth as it is in heaven.” On earth.
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Posted by donjobson
Just like we were not happy with Brian McLaren’s book A Generous Orthodoxy….we are not happy with his new book either….eventhough it is yet released….We Know it is full of heresy especially because we are a discernmentalist ministry and stand for true Absolute biblical truth. This is why we’ve gotten John MacArthur and Todd Friel to write our version of his new book before it even comes out after using Eric Barger’s time machine to spot all the heresy in Brian’s book .
Also, you may have heard of this phrase from the Reformation: “Ecclesia reformata semper reformanda—The Church should be reformed and always reforming.” Well using Eric Barger’s time machine again—we’ve found that none of the Reformers said that. This is why we must oppose Brian’s new book with a Holy Angry Passion as those Emergents are always trying to reform our Absolute Truth, our Pure Churches and our Pure Doctrines. We also believe that Reformed Emergent/Emerging House Churches do not exist. Reformed and Emergent are oxymorons as Ken Silva teaches therefore there are no such creatures as Reformed Emergents because Ken Silva is always right. This is always why we stand by our reformatted Reformation motto: “Semper 1600′s—Always 1600′s always”—that’s right because we’ve discovered all the Truth we need to know about God in the 1600′s. There is nothing else about God that needs to be revealed to us—the Reformers and the King James Bible revealed everything about God to us—so we must always stay in the 1600′s and think like they did in the 1600′s as well.
Dr. Don Jobson, Dr. Truthslayer and Dr. I. Todyaso—Sola 1600′s (1600′s alone).
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Posted by donjobson