Love wins people over to heresy!

April 4, 2011

Ladies, Gentleman, and Underlings,  we knew that the fallout from the Rob Bell heretical view of non-hell was going to undermine the truth of scripture and lead many astray (sorry for the lack of grammatical clarity but we are so upset over this news we can’t use punctuation properly) but never did we imagine the magnitude of   the fallout.  Nor did we imagine the swiftness in which the Devil was going to lead people astray.   Nor did we think that our leadership would fall.

What’s the big news?

Hold on to your phylacteries,  bathe in holy water, hide the eyes of the innocent, and prepare the millstones:  R.C. Sproul (a.k.a second in charge [behind John McArthur PBUH] of calvinist dogma doctrine) says GOD IS IN HELL!    I wish we could say that we are making this up,  we wish that we could say that there was some confusion of intent, we wish that we could say wait until the book comes out but we can’t.  The truth is that R.C. Sproul believes firmly that GOD IS IN HELL based on this excerpt from his upcoming book “The place of God’s Disfavor”.

The problem with hell is not simply the absence of God’s graciousness. It is the presence of God that is so difficult. God is present in hell because He is omnipresent. The psalmist declares, “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there” (Ps. 139:7-8). If God is everywhere in His being, then certainly He is in hell as much as He is anywhere else. The problem, then, is what He is doing there. He’s there in His judgment. He is there in His punitive wrath. He is present in hell as the One who executes His justice on those who are there. That’s why I say that anyone who is in hell would most want God, more than anyone else, to leave.

 

Rob Bell says there is no Hell.  R.C. Sproul says God is in Hell.  What next? God is Dead? Only God knows…well…and us.  After all we are discermentalists!


Your typical Emergent Village church service!

March 6, 2010

This is what happens at a typical Emergent Church service!  If you know what things happen at those couch and candle driven churches you would be shocked! You would never see anyone having fun in one of our churches! We make sure nothing like that would ever happen!


Followers declare John McArthur infallible!

January 24, 2010

 

Followers declare John McArthur infallible!

John MacArthur pointing out he is #1

(Lighthouse Fails news source) In a recent poll at Grace to You in which those that follow that ministry daily and even attend Grace Community Church where asked if they believed John MacArthur to ever be wrong. As they tabulated the votes, it was pointed out that 100% of those that were “true believers” and Elect stated that John MacArthur was never wrong! The rest of the votes were tossed out for suspect of being tainted by Emergent Village spies. John MacArthur celebrated by buying a new suit and handing out signed copies of his book, The Truth War and smiling in a recent Larry King interview and debate. Spurgeon, Luther, and Calvin were not available for comment. Yet we were able to contact I. Todyaso who heads the ever popular and extremely self righteous blog “The Online Discernmentalist Mafia” who stated, “Who would have thought otherwise?” and mentioned that the rumors of John MacArthur’s love for basketball has not set a lower standard for other ODMs.


Top Discernmentalist declares, “I like cookies!”

January 23, 2010

 

 

Top Discernmentalist declares, “I like cookies!”

 

While many cry, “Preference!” we true Discernmentalists know that what we prefer in our churches was handed down by God in the form of our Most Holy and Highest Doctrines. So, if one of our own discerns that cookies are good, and we can have them in our churches so we declare also, “I like cookies.”

 Yet, unlike those emerging couch churches with those RCC candles, we do not allow them in the sanctuary during our Holy Sanctified Services.

So now you can add cookies to the official lists that are approved by Discernmentalists which reads so far as:

 

  1. Pews instead of chairs. God forbids comfort in the form of couches or stackable chairs as those are part of the emerging and seeker/purpose driven churches.
  2. Pastors must wear suits and ties. Now as the Highn-endedness of Holiness states: “Look, our culture understands that if you wear a suit and a tie, the occasion is formal…the occasion is serious. There’s a certain dignity. I don’t think there’s anything more serious or more dignified than coming before the Lord in worship. Look, I wear a suit and a tie because I want to portray seriousness, dignity, certain sober mindedness. When you call people together for the purpose of worshiping God in the collective church and you’re going to open the Word of God and speak, that you need to maintain a decorum and a dignity and a respect that comes from looking like you treat this as a very, very special occasion.” (note that John MacArthur does not care about presentation or being relevant to any culture… he seriously only preaches the Gospel in his church!)
  3. There must not be candles (except if you are Lutheran)
  4. One must never observe Advent. (Unless you are Ingrid Schlueter or Slice of Laodicia)
  5. You must never cuss, (unless it makes a point or if you think it is funny, don’t worry we give grace to the “worthy” people”
  6. You must never use a contemporary example except once or twice a year. (Again, that is too much like emerging or purpose/seeker driven churches)
  7. You must preach through the Sermon on the Mount, but never, ever, ever let it sink into your heart. Tell people Jesus just means that stuff for after they die and go to heaven!
  8. Never ever read the bible in any way that is “spiritual” or think about what you are reading as that is called contemplation which is evil. We must never think while reading that is dangerous.
  9. Never use logic or reason to understand the bible as that does not allow the Holy Spirit to do His work. Likewise, it is too much like the early church practice of Christian Humanism who used logic and reason to approach and understand God.
  10. We proclaim that we must use logic and reason to approach and understand God. This looks like it contradicts #9 but if you do not think about it, it will not bother you!
  11. Pastors must only use John MacArthur as a source and no one else unless it is Rush Limbaugh, Dr. Laura, or Glen Beck. (We used to allow focus on the family, but no longer do!)
  12. Pastors or those who want to be pastor-like must quote Spurgeon and Calvin MORE than Jesus as Jesus tends to change people. God forbid that happens in OUR churches!

 

We will surely add more soon.


How to read incomprehensively.

December 9, 2009

 

Original idea taken from FreakingNews.com

How to read incomprehensively. When you read someone you are “discernmentalizing” follow these easy to use methods to make what that person said mean what YOU want them to say. This way the ODM you truly want to be will make anyone sound like a heretic.

For instance our great friend Eric Barger quotes Brian McLaren:

“For the first time, through the EASTERN JESUS, I began to have a glimpse of how Jesus could indeed be the Savior of not just a few individual humans but of the whole world.” – Brian McLaren, A Generous Orthodoxy, p.65

Note most people would read this and notice some clues that Brian is not negating individual salvation, but with a simple slight of hand the ODM that is as gifted as Eric Barger is can easily make this mean the opposite of what is really stated.

First what is Brian “really” saying… (This is top secret so please do no let anyone know that we can really read with comprehension) Brian uses word we ODM’s hate or rather love to overlook. Brian states “Jesus could indeed be the Savior of not just a few individual humans but of the whole world.” Well, if you just take out the word “just” you have the instant heretical statement. This is how you would read it through the ODM lens:

“For the first time, through the EASTERN (Hindu hookah smoking hippie) JESUS, I began to have a glimpse of how Jesus could indeed be the Savior of not just a few individual humans (or rather that God did not save humans) but of the whole world.” – Brian McLaren, A Generous Orthodoxy, p.65

As you can see with the ODM lens we now see what Brian is really saying. Let’s continue and you will see how this simple statement of how God not only saved humans but is also redeeming all creation morphs with this lens.

“For the first time, through following my own Marcus Borg inspired Jesus, I began to have a delusions of how Jesus could not be the Savior of individual humans but instead saved the whole world.”

Once again the layers keep coming off. Let’s try one more time.

“Follow Satan, Jesus did not die for you. Buy my books. I am delusional. Buy my books. Gee, N.T. Wright is smart. Don’t listen to Eric Barger.” — Brian McLaren, A Generous Orthodoxy, p.65

I hope now you can understand why it is so important you let the ODM’s read and filter all this stuff for you. We alone hold the keys to the kingdom of OUR DOCTRINE. So follow us and we will NEVER let you find the Jesus of Brian McLaren who is claimed to love the creation and want to liberate it from the curse of the fall.


Happy Burn A Heretic Day!

October 27, 2009

 October 27 , 1553 – Condemned as a heretic for preaching nontrinitarianism and anti-infant baptism, Michael Servetus  was burned at the stake outside Geneva.

“A new heresy has been discovered,” he said. “We must stamp out this burst of hell-fire before it spreads over the surface of the earth…. Freedom of conscience is a doctrine of the devil…. Better to have a tyrant, however cruel, than permit everyone to do what he pleases.”—John Calvin.

“Whoever shall now contend that it is unjust to put heretics and blasphemers to death will knowingly and willingly incur their very guilt.”—John Calvin.

Because of these Pure Doctrines—-’Athiest Christopher Hitchens called (our Final Prophet) Calvin a “sadist and torturer and killer,” but who listens to atheists anyway?’

The most famous of these was a Spanish theologian named Michael Servetus. Servetus, who had been arrested and imprisoned by the Catholic church already, attended a sermon in Geneva. He was recognized and arrested in church for heresy. Why because he disagreed with the doctrines of the trinity and of infant baptism. Calvin engineered his prosecution, acted as a key witness for it, and then lobbied for Servetus’ death. Result? Servetus was burned at the stake.

When other Reformers of the day protested the execution of Servetus for a mere doctrinal disagreement, Calvin was incensed: “A new heresy has been discovered,” he said. “We must stamp out this burst of hell-fire before it spreads over the surface of the earth…. Freedom of conscience is a doctrine of the devil…. Better to have a tyrant, however cruel, than permit everyone to do what he pleases.”

Yes, that’s a real quote.

In 1551 Calvin was confronted by a reformer called Jérôme Bolsec, who accused him of making God out to be the author of evil in deciding the fate of the damned before their creation. Bolsec was imprisoned by the magistrates and lucky to be banished from the city.

There were a total of 57 people executed in Geneva during the 4 years of John Calvin’s power over the city of Geneva.

Twenty-three people, mostly women, were burned at the stake was witches. Calvin wrote later that they were found guilty for trying to use witchcraft to spread the black plague.

Several people, mostly women, were executed for the capital offense of adultery.

One little girl was executed for slapping her mother. But that’s just Old Testament law, right?

Jacques Gruet was arrested, tortured for 30 days and, upon confession, beheaded for being an atheist.

Michael Servetus was burned at the stake for being a heretic.

This isn’t to mention a number of other crimes, such as a number of women in Geneva being thrown in prison for the “sinful practice” of dancing. But on Calvin’s 500th birthday, a number of Calvinist theologians have been using the occasion to make the news and defend Calvin.

Christopher Elwood, author of Calvin for Armchair Theologians, a concise summary of Calvin’s life, said “So everyone back then was intolerant. You can’t blame Calvin. In fact, Calvin didn’t want to kill Servetus, he just wanted Servetus to recant his doctrinal error. In fact, Calvin even tried to be lenient and have Servetus beheaded instead of burned at the stake. You wouldn‘t think it, but Calvin was actually deeply influenced by Renaissance humanism.”

Reformed Pastor Jim McClarity quotes J.I. Packer to explain the list of reasons why Calvin having Servetus executed wasn’t really that bad -

“1 – Geneva was a Christian state. In Christian states, denying Christian doctrine is a capital offense. This wasn’t Calvin’s fault. 2 – Other churches like the Catholics burned “heretics” at the stake too. 3 – The Catholics already were planning on killing Servetus for heresy against their church anyway. 4 – Other Protestant Reformers would have killed Servetus too, I mean come on, this heretic was against infant baptism. 5 – Calvin wouldn’t have prosecuted Servetus if Servetus had just admitted that he was wrong. 6 – Calvin just wanted Servetus beheaded – that’s more humane. 7 – This could be seen more as a fault of the culture of the day, not the fault of Calvin’s.”

Oh, ok – we should sympathize with Calvin then. After all, he really was a great Bible scholar.

Reformed Pastor Joe Morecraft said he‘s tired of hearing about Calvin murdering people -

“Look, just because Calvin had all these people executed doesn’t mean his theology was wrong. Geeze, ok, ok, so some of them were executed for disagreeing with his theology – well doesn’t mean they were right. Calvin could have still been right. Do you realize how arrogant it was of Servetus to foolishly go to Calvin’s church. He probably thought he could debate Calvin. Well, he was wrong.”

Elwood also noted that even though Calvin’s predestination doctrine denied the free will of man and seemed to mean that God destined the majority of people to damnation in hell, Calvin and his followers would never emphasize this. “This isn’t something they would push in your face. If you asked them about it, they’d answer you, but no one was burned at the stake for refusing to believe that God created people to go to hell.”

Those who defend our Pure Doctrines are Absolutely Correct in doing so.

SERVETUS

Today we Discernmentalists and all members of the GOIP—God’s Only Inerrant Party otherwise known as The Calvinazi Party/The Theocratic Calvinist Christian Fascist Party or CCFP for short celebrate the Pure Christian Fruits and Pure Doctrines of our Final Prophet John Calvin by burning Servetus and all heretics in effigy. When we finally take America back for Jesus and establish our Calvinazi Dominionist Theocratic domination of the world—we will no longer have to burn effigies for we will reestablish the Pure Doctrines of burning all those who disagree with our God-ordained opinions.

Don Jobson—fighting for the Rite of burning  the non-Elect at the stake.


New Calvin Crunch Cereal to hit store soon!

September 14, 2009

Calvin Crunch CerealIt is finally here! The new Calvin Crunch Cereal! We are so excited that Checkered Past Cereal company has decided to start their “Reformed” brand again. We hope that this will lead to a healthy doctrinal based breakfast for all “real” Christians! It has extra fiber so you will not have to worry about feeling bloated with self righteousness! Remember a “correct” doctrine will give you more energy to fight off those heretics as well as keep you alert to anything that might resemble Arminianism! Be sure to send your kids off to school with plenty of Calvin Crunch in their bellies. Also, free inside are the “Heretics trading cards”.  Collect them all! The first batch of cards feature, N.T. Wright and Brian McLaren.


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