April 4, 2011
Ladies, Gentleman, and Underlings, we knew that the fallout from the Rob Bell heretical view of non-hell was going to undermine the truth of scripture and lead many astray (sorry for the lack of grammatical clarity but we are so upset over this news we can’t use punctuation properly) but never did we imagine the magnitude of the fallout. Nor did we imagine the swiftness in which the Devil was going to lead people astray. Nor did we think that our leadership would fall.
What’s the big news?
Hold on to your phylacteries, bathe in holy water, hide the eyes of the innocent, and prepare the millstones: R.C. Sproul (a.k.a second in charge [behind John McArthur PBUH] of calvinist
dogma doctrine) says GOD IS IN HELL! I wish we could say that we are making this up, we wish that we could say that there was some confusion of intent, we wish that we could say wait until the book comes out but we can’t. The truth is that R.C. Sproul believes firmly that GOD IS IN HELL based on this excerpt from his upcoming book “The place of God’s Disfavor”.
The problem with hell is not simply the absence of God’s graciousness. It is the presence of God that is so difficult. God is present in hell because He is omnipresent. The psalmist declares, “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there” (Ps. 139:7-8). If God is everywhere in His being, then certainly He is in hell as much as He is anywhere else. The problem, then, is what He is doing there. He’s there in His judgment. He is there in His punitive wrath. He is present in hell as the One who executes His justice on those who are there. That’s why I say that anyone who is in hell would most want God, more than anyone else, to leave.
Rob Bell says there is no Hell. R.C. Sproul says God is in Hell. What next? God is Dead? Only God knows…well…and us. After all we are discermentalists!
January 23, 2010
Top Discernmentalist declares, “I like cookies!”
While many cry, “Preference!” we true Discernmentalists know that what we prefer in our churches was handed down by God in the form of our Most Holy and Highest Doctrines. So, if one of our own discerns that cookies are good, and we can have them in our churches so we declare also, “I like cookies.”
Yet, unlike those emerging couch churches with those RCC candles, we do not allow them in the sanctuary during our Holy Sanctified Services.
So now you can add cookies to the official lists that are approved by Discernmentalists which reads so far as:
- Pews instead of chairs. God forbids comfort in the form of couches or stackable chairs as those are part of the emerging and seeker/purpose driven churches.
- Pastors must wear suits and ties. Now as the Highn-endedness of Holiness states: “Look, our culture understands that if you wear a suit and a tie, the occasion is formal…the occasion is serious. There’s a certain dignity. I don’t think there’s anything more serious or more dignified than coming before the Lord in worship. Look, I wear a suit and a tie because I want to portray seriousness, dignity, certain sober mindedness. When you call people together for the purpose of worshiping God in the collective church and you’re going to open the Word of God and speak, that you need to maintain a decorum and a dignity and a respect that comes from looking like you treat this as a very, very special occasion.” (note that John MacArthur does not care about presentation or being relevant to any culture… he seriously only preaches the Gospel in his church!)
- There must not be candles (except if you are Lutheran)
- One must never observe Advent. (Unless you are Ingrid Schlueter or Slice of Laodicia)
- You must never cuss, (unless it makes a point or if you think it is funny, don’t worry we give grace to the “worthy” people”
- You must never use a contemporary example except once or twice a year. (Again, that is too much like emerging or purpose/seeker driven churches)
- You must preach through the Sermon on the Mount, but never, ever, ever let it sink into your heart. Tell people Jesus just means that stuff for after they die and go to heaven!
- Never ever read the bible in any way that is “spiritual” or think about what you are reading as that is called contemplation which is evil. We must never think while reading that is dangerous.
- Never use logic or reason to understand the bible as that does not allow the Holy Spirit to do His work. Likewise, it is too much like the early church practice of Christian Humanism who used logic and reason to approach and understand God.
- We proclaim that we must use logic and reason to approach and understand God. This looks like it contradicts #9 but if you do not think about it, it will not bother you!
- Pastors must only use John MacArthur as a source and no one else unless it is Rush Limbaugh, Dr. Laura, or Glen Beck. (We used to allow focus on the family, but no longer do!)
- Pastors or those who want to be pastor-like must quote Spurgeon and Calvin MORE than Jesus as Jesus tends to change people. God forbid that happens in OUR churches!
We will surely add more soon.
September 14, 2009
It is finally here! The new Calvin Crunch Cereal! We are so excited that Checkered Past Cereal company has decided to start their “Reformed” brand again. We hope that this will lead to a healthy doctrinal based breakfast for all “real” Christians! It has extra fiber so you will not have to worry about feeling bloated with self righteousness! Remember a ”correct” doctrine will give you more energy to fight off those heretics as well as keep you alert to anything that might resemble Arminianism! Be sure to send your kids off to school with plenty of Calvin Crunch in their bellies. Also, free inside are the “Heretics trading cards”. Collect them all! The first batch of cards feature, N.T. Wright and Brian McLaren.
August 7, 2009
In an act of Christian charity and brotherly love “CRN’s (Name removed upon request), who is pastor of River of Life Alliance Church,” threatened to sue the ODMafia in their support of… him. Yes, yesterday we posted how horrible it was that CRNinfo used his full name after at least two years of using it without one complaint.
To quote (Name removed upon request) aka Pastorboy again in his OWN WORDS:
I am asking you, if you are a brother in Christ, to take this post down.
If you are not a brother in Christ, and demonstrate it by keeping this post up, I will retain an attorney and I will be forced to sue you for slander.
But do what you will. I will continue to pray for you either way. You need help, Itodyaso/Iggy/Carlos
Again, we are nothing but supportive of (Name removed upon request) here. We are totally behind and supportive of (Name removed upon request) at this site. We will help you with the lawyer fees to go after whoever you want to sue even us with any donations sent to us in your name. I mean that is the ODM way! Sue people and get things done! Why would you or we attempt to reconcile with others and repent for the libel against others you and we have commit (Name removed upon request), as that would take humility from you and us and God knows that is not the ODM way. So do your version of “Christian brotherly love” and retain your lawyer and sue the ODMafia of slander or whoever the Holy Spirit guides you to sue in the Name of Jesus. We again are nothing but supportive of you! (Though it would actually be libel and if there was really a case, and we stated nothing untrue about you. We only reported what we saw you do yesterday.)
In other news, (Name removed upon request) aka Pastorboy twitter account can be found if you Google “(Name removed upon request)”. It appears in the top 5 of the list. Yes, (Name removed upon request) would never use his real name and “pastorboy” together and give away his real identity.
August 2, 2009
This is actual footage taken by our hidden spy cameras when we infiltrated the Emergent Village. Listen and you will here him mock Christians!
July 20, 2009
I suspected something was in the water that was causing all this new heresy! Now I know what is going on. They are all drinking Emerge! If they were real Christians they would be drinking Kool Aid!