Love wins people over to heresy!

April 4, 2011

Ladies, Gentleman, and Underlings,  we knew that the fallout from the Rob Bell heretical view of non-hell was going to undermine the truth of scripture and lead many astray (sorry for the lack of grammatical clarity but we are so upset over this news we can’t use punctuation properly) but never did we imagine the magnitude of   the fallout.  Nor did we imagine the swiftness in which the Devil was going to lead people astray.   Nor did we think that our leadership would fall.

What’s the big news?

Hold on to your phylacteries,  bathe in holy water, hide the eyes of the innocent, and prepare the millstones:  R.C. Sproul (a.k.a second in charge [behind John McArthur PBUH] of calvinist dogma doctrine) says GOD IS IN HELL!    I wish we could say that we are making this up,  we wish that we could say that there was some confusion of intent, we wish that we could say wait until the book comes out but we can’t.  The truth is that R.C. Sproul believes firmly that GOD IS IN HELL based on this excerpt from his upcoming book “The place of God’s Disfavor”.

The problem with hell is not simply the absence of God’s graciousness. It is the presence of God that is so difficult. God is present in hell because He is omnipresent. The psalmist declares, “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there” (Ps. 139:7-8). If God is everywhere in His being, then certainly He is in hell as much as He is anywhere else. The problem, then, is what He is doing there. He’s there in His judgment. He is there in His punitive wrath. He is present in hell as the One who executes His justice on those who are there. That’s why I say that anyone who is in hell would most want God, more than anyone else, to leave.

 

Rob Bell says there is no Hell.  R.C. Sproul says God is in Hell.  What next? God is Dead? Only God knows…well…and us.  After all we are discermentalists!


Rhoblogy Caught With Couches And Candles…Drinking Emergent Coffee…

July 5, 2010

 One of our new SPY LOCUST 1000s has caught Rhoblogy participating in scandalous Emerging/Emergent activities:

Fact #1: Emergents love couches and candles.

Fact # 2: Emergents love coffee.

Fact # 3: Emergent services typically consist of sitting around  on couches sipping on Communistic coffee by the light of Roman Catholic candles.

Fact # 4: Emergent coffee leads to supporting the False Gospel of Socialism aka the Social Gospel.

Fact # 5: Emergent candles lead to the scandalous, unholy and unbiblical practice of  New Age Roman Catholic Contemplative Centering Prayers. 

Fact # 6: All of the above are man-exalting heresies.


“The REAL Purpose of the Church.”

June 30, 2010

 

Eric Barger reveals “The REAL Purpose of the Church” by giving a sneak preview of what’s in store for all True ODM Churches in these Last Days. What’s in store for all Pure ODM Churches taking a stand for Absolute Truth you may ask? Why! Nothing but the blessed rapture! (Thanks to one of our Reasearch Robot Monkeys for catching this).

However we are not quite satisfied with that answer as we are not quite in the Last Days of this Great Tribulation of Emergent apostasy—because of this we must continue to stand for Truth so that we will be ready—Rapture Ready when the blessed rapture occurs before Jesus returns and comes to slay all the non-Elect unregenerate reprobates.

Are you ready? Here is our list of what one must do to be ready in order to prepare for the blessed rapture

  • Unconditionally support every act of Israel even their acts of terrorism
  • Unconditionally support USA-brand Imperialism
  • Vote Obama and every Democrat out of office
  • Smoke a Spurgeon-approved cigar
  • Buy 667 copies of John MacArthur’s book The Truth War: Fighting for Certainty in an Age of Deception and leave one copy everywhere you go just in case one of the regenerate predestined Elect accidently stumbles upon a copy and awakens to their status of being among the regenerate predestined Elect
  • Outlaw all abortion and homosexuality
  • Use only a King James AV1611 Bible or ESV
  • Burn any copy of Rick Warren’s Purpose Driven Life, Brian McLaren’s books or any other Emergent type book that you come across preferably while performing a Bible-Based animal sacrifice or while  burning Emergent heretics themselves 
  • Read only the Online Discernmentalist Mafia, The Official Blog Of God’s Only Inerrant Party, Ken Silva and other ODMs to get your facts]
  • Continue to be ever-vigilant and ever-valiant in your stand for our Absolute Biblical Truth

Be A Literalist!: Part 2

May 15, 2010

 

 

“I actually do think parts of the Bible are more valuable than others, more inspired than others. In fact, I think that some parts of the Bible have been put aside by the Christian revelation.”—Quote by Cecil Sherman, your typical Anti-Bible Biblically Illiterate unregenerate non-Christian Liberal Baptist apostate reprobated and heathen  heretic

 

Pre-requisites for this course: one must have completed the following courses—our course  on Absolute Truth and our course on Discernmentalist Church History 101 or candidates for this course must at  least have a sufficient and  satisfactory grasp on Discernmentalese: the official jargon that we use around here. Your Discernmentalese must be approved by your official instructors: the esteemed Dr. Truthslayer, the wise Dr. Arthur McJohn, the illustrious Dr. I. Todyaso and yours truly the pithy Dr. Don Jobson. Candidates for this course must have also completed part 1 of our course on Bible Literalism.

Your official instruction: We must think only in binary terms. Everything is black and white, either this or that—there are no in-betweens. Brainiac our field agent for Todd Friel (Wretched) says:

The literal sense is the only honest way to read. Honestly, the literal sense is literally the only honest way to read. If you care what the author said, read literally. If you do not care what the author said, do not bother reading.

We agree as metaphors do not exist in the Discernmentalist Worldview. Everything literally means what it says as long as it doesn’t clash with our Pure Doctrines and even if it does we’ll find some way to spin it literally such as: “Οὕτως γὰρ ἠγάπησεν ὁ Θεὸς τὸν κόσμον, ὥστε τὸν Υἱὸν τὸν μονογενῆ ἔδωκεν, ἵνα πᾶς ὁ πιστεύων εἰς Αὐτὸν μὴ ἀπόληται ἀλλ᾽ ἔχῃ ζωὴν αἰώνιον” doesn’t literally mean “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life”—but literally means that God literally loves and literally only died for the Elect and the Elect only literally.

Eventhough Jesus literally said “This Is My Body” which literally interpreted means exactly what it says that the bread in Communion is literally Jesus’ literal Body, we must take a self-righteous stand in our Truth Wars and come against the Eucharist/Real Presence as it literally has no place in our Pure Bibles. A literal interpretation of  “This Is My Body” literally clashes with the literalness of our Pure Doctrines. John MacArthur told us so and if he says it—it must literally be by default True because anything he literally says he speaks ex cathedra  and all that he speaks is ex cathedra not to mention literally infallible Absolute Truth. However we  Discernmentalists don’t need to appeal to John MacArthur to know that this is literally True. It is literally True because We Say and believe It is literally True.

We Know that in Psalm 137:9 God literally commands us to “take our babies and smash them against the rocks!”—though we literally stand against abortion. We Know that I Timothy 1:9-10 is literally about gay marriage. Everything in the Bible is about our American Gospel and can literally be summed up by our moral stances in Politics. However when Jesus says “Sell all your possessions and give to the Poor and follow Me (Matt. 19:16-26;Luke 12:33-34 and 14:33) ” He doesn’t literally mean that.  We  like the parts of the Bible that fit our Pure Doctrines but ignore the verses that we do not agree with, that do not make us comfortable in our American values and/or do not back up our Discernmentalist Worldview.

Our interpretive lens of the Bible is flawless and therefore Inerrant for the Bible and not Jesus is literally the literal Word of God (John 1:1) as John MacArthur literally states:

Neo-orthodoxy’s attitude toward Scripture is a microcosm of the entire existentialist philosophy: the Bible itself is not objectively the Word of God, but it becomes the Word of God when it speaks to me individually. In neo-orthodoxy, that same subjectivism is imposed on all the doctrines of historic Christianity. Familiar terms are used, but are redefined or employed in a way that is purposely vague—not to convey objective meaning, but to communicate a subjective symbolism. After all, any “truth” theological terms convey is unique to the person who exercises faith. What the Bible means becomes unimportant. What it means to me is the relevant issue. All of this resoundingly echoes Kierkegaard’s concept of “truth that is true for me.”

Thus while neo-orthodox theologians often sound as if they are affirming traditional beliefs, their actual system differs radically from the historic understanding of the Christian faith. By denying the objectivity of truth, they relegate all theology to the realm of subjective relativism. It is a theology perfectly suited for the age in which we live.

And that is precisely why it is so deadly.

This is why we must always interpret the Bible literally except for when it literally disagrees with our Pure Doctrines so take heart fellow Discernmentalists and remember these wise  and literal words of Brainiac:

Be a literalist. Read the Bible literally. If anyone objects, ask him if you should consider his objection literally. Or, you can explain that the Bible is literature, and that there is no other way to read it but literally.


Truthslayer And Don Jobson Present…

May 13, 2010

 

Nothing But The Truth: a new film that is all about the Absolute Truth from the producers of “They Came From Beyond….Modernism” and Nothing But The Truth Films. Nothing But The Truth stars Truthslayer, Don Jobson and all your other favorite ODMs as they seek to expose all to the Truth and nothing but the Truth by our own standards of Absolute Truth. Nothing But The Truth is a film that is sure to thrill and delight Discernmentalists for ages to come.

Ken Silva raves: “Nothing But The Truth contains more Truth than Emergents or my other enemies care to comprehend.”

The Wretched Ways Of The Master Religion Discernmentalism crew exclaims: ” Nothing But The Truth contains every major Truth that we care about from both John MacArthur’s Study Bible and Worldviewpedia, the free Christian Worldview encyclopedia—our inerrant and infallible insider  sources for all Absolute Truth.

Sharin’ Whiplash says excitedly: “Finally a film that proclaims ‘nothing but the Truth’ about why the rank apostasy of the Roman Arminian Free-Will loving  Pelagian based Religion of Modern Evangelicalism is the most “insidious and dangerous” threat facing the world of the Church today. How dare Arminians proclaim that God loves everyone even those whom He created for the sole purpose of sending to Hell for God has no obligation to love anyone–none whatsoever period.”

James White agrees and notes that ‘Nothing But The Truth captures John MacArthur’s Truth Wars™ brilliantly and is a definitive statement on the Pure Doctrines of our Absolute Truth of God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath towards all but a few as John MacArthur Truthfully and solemnly proclaims:’

“Liberal thinking about God’s love also permeates much of evangelicalism today. We have lost the reality of God’s wrath. We have disregarded His hatred for sin. The God most evangelicals now describe is all-loving and not at all angry. We have forgotten that “It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God” (Hebrews 10:31). We do not believe in that kind of God anymore.

We must recapture some of the holy terror that comes with a right understanding of God’s righteous anger. We need to remember that God’s wrath does burn against impenitent sinners (Psalm 38:1-3). That reality is the very thing that makes His love so amazing. Only those who see themselves as sinners in the hands of an angry God can fully appreciate the magnitude and wonder of His love.

In that regard, our generation is surely at a greater disadvantage than any previous age. We have been force-fed the doctrines of self-esteem for so long that most people don’t really view themselves as sinners worthy of divine wrath. On top of that, religious liberalism, humanism, evangelical compromise, and ignorance of the Scriptures have all worked against a right understanding of who God is. Ironically, in an age that conceives of God as wholly loving, altogether devoid of wrath, few people really understand what God’s love is all about.”

Rhoblogy proclaims: “Finally a Truly Christian film that understands ‘nothing but the Truth’ about the Absolute Sovereignty of our Pure Doctrines which are the Absolute Truth. I recomend this film to all (and by all I mean only the Truly Regenerated Elect) True Bible-Believing Republican Christians!”


Be A Literalist!: Part 1

May 11, 2010

We must set the record straight—- the Bible is the Literal Word of God. What this Literally means is that the human words which make up the Bible contain the Literal mind of God. We Know as we were there when God Literally dictated them to humanity. Our field agent Brainiac further explains:

The Bible is a book of words and those words are to be interpreted according to their literal sense, which means in the same sense that the author understood them. This is a principle called the Sensus Literalis, and it is an important rule of hermeneutics. If we do not interpret the words in the same sense as the author, then we obscure the author’s meaning and impose our own. If we read our own meaning in the place of God’s meaning; then we are no longer reading God’s word but our own. Therefore, we must take care to interpret the Bible literally.

We interpret the Bible literally by following the ordinary rules of language; a noun is to be read as a noun, a verb as a verb, and so on. No matter what we read or in what language we read it, a statement is always a statement and a question is always a question.

Utilizing our Absolute Biblical Certainty and our Discernmentalist logic, we will show you how to apply a literal hermeneutic to the Bible:

 This is literally Jesus:

This also is literally Jesus:

And here is something else that is literally Jesus:

Stay tuned for part 2 of our exhilirating fresh new course straight from the bowels of the GOIP Online Discernmentalist Bible-Literalist Institutes aka LifeWay Press!


Pirate Radio Invents A New Biblical Theology Detector

May 5, 2010

Worried that your church or your home may be infiltrated by Emergents  or any of the other heretical type reprobated people like Catholics, New Age Apostates and Arminians? Never fear Pirate Radio has teamed up with we of God’s Only Inerrant Party and the Online Discernmentalist Mafia to bring you the new Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector. Now you can verify if someone has Biblical Theology or not before they even come into your vicinity. Just place our Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector near a doorway, gate or anyother type of entryway and let the Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector work it’s magic for you.

The Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector will automatically detect if someone has Biblically verifiable theology or wishy-washy ignore-it-or-make-it-up-or-change-it-to-suit-us so-called theology. If someone has Biblically verifiable theology the green Pass sign will light up while playing a Bible-Based tune like the hit song and theme song of GOIP-Lander: God Hates The World or it’s love theme: Broken Wings. However if someone has wishy-washy ignore-it-or-make-it-up-or-change-it-to-suit-us so-called theology the red Alarm sign will frantically flash while sending volts of electricity into the perpetrator and also filling their ears with loud and foul sounds.

You’ll never have to worry about the ungodly and unbiblical ever infiltrating your Holy grounds again with the Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector protecting the Purity of your Doctrines and the Sanctity of  your vicinity. Now you can remain unsensitive to Seekers with ease with the Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector doing all the work for you. The Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector not only works on people but also on pets and objects as well. It also functions as an Absolute Truth detector and also verifies Biblically-correct theology in books. The Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector also comes in a version for automobiles and other vehicles—never let the ungodly ride with you. Customer  satisfaction guarenteed!

One of our satisfied customers after using our Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector:

pirate77 said…Intolerant fool? If you are not tolerant of Todd Friel, what does that make you? I’ll take his Biblically verifiable theology over the wishy-washy ignore-it-or-make-it-up-or-change-it-to-suit-us so-called theology that has been initiated by people like Joel Osteen, Brian McLaren (whom you seem to love) and Doug Pagitt, just to name a few. —May 4, 2010 11:23 AM

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