Seismic Shift In Methods Used To Track Heretics!

September 29, 2009

Church damaged by candles used in secret Emergent meeting. Thank God there were no couches in there as the whole place would have burnt down!

ODMafia Daily (Sep .29, 2009) — Discernmentalist have developed a new technique to monitor emerging heretical movements beneath the Earth’s surface, helping them better understand how Emergent’s behave.


The team, led by top ODM, I. Todyaso from the ODM University, says that the new method, which uses data collected from heretics, potentially allows the Emergent activity to map more comprehensively other heretical movements.

ODM’s currently monitor underground movements, such as Emergents, using super-secret – instruments that measure the motion of those movements at local churches. This helps to indicate where they might be taking place and what churches could be infected next.

Now, by analyzing the heretical waves from two different Emergent meetings, the team has been able to simulate the heretical waves from one of meetings much like a recording seismometer does with earthquakes. The discovery allows Emergents themselves to be used as virtual seismometers that record passing heretical waves from tremors to full fledged “Soul Tsunamis”.

Using Emergents in this way substantially increases the number of locations that could be used to detect Emergent activity. And since Emergents services occur in dimly lit buildings with couches, using them also allows ODM”s to monitor other heretical activity from far the future!

The research, published in Natural Judgmentalism, was carried out in collaboration with the British ODM Survey and other ODM Universities.

TruthSlayer, Professor of Mathematical Heretical Studies at the ODM University of Canada, said: “This turns the way we can twist Emerging movements leaders quotes on their head. By using Emergents themselves as virtual microphones that record the sound of heretics internal movements, we can listen to the Heretics stretching and cracking from directly within its most heretical places.”

Dr. Brian D. Southernbaptie, ODMology Team Leader at the British ODMological Survey, said: “This discovery shows how we can measure strains of heresy deep inside the Church and helps improve our understanding of the processes driving emerging activity so we are better equipped to lie about what they really teach.”


Root out those gays from your church!

August 30, 2009

gaydar testerThis is the latest in anti-gay, lesbian, bisexual and trans-gender equipment that any real Bible worshipping church should have. We all know our worst fear is that some GLBT will walk through the doors of our sinless church and corrupt the purity hate we have nurtured by OUR DOCTRINES. We give you the Gaydar Tester. Yes just place each of these devices by every door of your church and we guarantee it will chase off any GLBT from your church, parish or synagogue. We guarantee that 1 in 10 people that pass through your door will be outed and never come back again.

We only charge by the number of gays you chase away from Jesus!


Picture of Ken Silva emerges!

August 23, 2009

dark%20helmet2 Ken Silva who is Pastor President, and Pastor Teacher and founder of Apprising Ministries, CRN, and now also is Vice President and Associate Pastor and International Director of  Evangelism Explosion International as well has become a Dr in his spare time, has been able to keep his identity secret on the Internet for many years now.* Though we once thought we caught a glimpse of him, he was gone. Some say he looks sort of like Jon Voight yet these rumors cannot be confirmed or denied. Today, a picture of Ken Silva emerged on the internet which we thing was an evil plot devised by Tony Jones and Doug Pagitt. Fortunately we were able to intercept the picture and distort the image of Ken Silva in his secret lair. Ken, you can thank the ODMafia for keeping you secret identity from being known.

 

* Note there may be more than one Ken Silva listed together at the site linked to above, but Pastor/Leader/President/Teacher/Editor/Chief Editor/Internet Guru/My Affectionate Uncle/My  Mentor/Lord of the Ring/Lord of the Manor/Master of his Domain/Imperial Wizard/Grand Poupon/Master of Disaster/The One that puts the fun in Fundamentalist/Grand Master Discernmentalist/Mentored by Walter Martin by listening to cassette tapes/  is a very busy man so who really knows?


Numa Numa Video turns out to be secret Rob Bell coded video!

August 1, 2009

 

Loosely translated it says:

“Nooma Nooma watch Nooma Nooma learn how to walk in the ways of Jesus. Get annoyed with Bullhorn guys and set fire to your marriage. Buy Nooma Nooma videos and use them at your church.”

Much of the rest is too hard to translate and is mostly Emergent “speak” that no one outside of Emergent Village understands.


Marty Goetz to play at anti Rick Warren Concert of Hope.

July 28, 2009

Brannon Howse has posted an open letter to the AG with grave concerns over Rick Warren speaking at the General Council this year. In related news Brannon Howse and Marty Goetz will be having a Concert of Hope to raise awareness of the evil of Rick Warren while conducting praise and worship.

MartyGoetzOn a side note, I once attended a Marty Goetz concert at a church in California. He was playing at Shoreline Community Church in Monterey Ca. I was really enjoying the concert until I realized it was a Purpose Driven Church. Someone needs to alert Brannon Howse over this major oversight.


The newest drink of heretics!

July 20, 2009

Emerge drinksI suspected something was in the water that was causing all this new heresy! Now I know what is going on. They are all drinking Emerge! If they were real Christians they would be drinking Kool Aid!


God inspires ODM with new answer to Emergents. “Bwahahhahaa!”

June 23, 2009

bwahahaha

 

Bwahahhahaa! Is the new answer we are now giving to Emergents as it seems some ODM’s cannot actually give a real answer. Though at first this seems to make a mockery of ODM’s as the bible is clear that we are to not just laugh, but mock and make up more revisionist’s reality (As ODM’s never lie! We only revise reality to our own version and fitting!) against the evil and vile Emerging Church peoples! (Because they love to promote actually doing something with their faith! Sinners!)

You must realize dear reader, not everyone can become a ODM. There is much training and studying that must come before one can be allowed to judge and condemn others. It is not like some Yahoo wannabe can just set up a website or blog and become an ODM overnight! Did you know that you must have a certificate? (Please view our gift shop and buy your own certificate and become an official ODM!)

We here do applaud that Discerning the World at least is great with their revisionist’s reality, and suggest when dealing with emerging people and you cannot come up with a great answer use  “Bwahahhahaa!” instead as they do. That way you can feel superior and not fall into actually caring or loving the person you are talking to. It also works when you really cannot give an answer but still need to sound like you know what you are talking about even when you may not.


The perfect concealed weapon!

May 27, 2009

 

evangelism2

I rarely link to another blog unless I truly agree with them or I hate them. Yet, here I appreciate Tim Challies digging out a true gem that will remind us all that the Bible truly THE CONCEALED weapon. Though as I read the post by Tim Challies I sort felt he might not believe this is the ONLY true way of evangelism as it was developed in the 1950’s so I am a bit reluctant to send people there. Yet, to have this truly incredible method to pass on in such a wonderful packaged way it could not be passed up for it’s true value. By using this approved method I guarantee you will convert many to OUR DOCTRINES.

 

* Warning: Tim Challies wavers on the edge of apostasy!


Just like Butter but not.

May 19, 2009

butter

Yes, Margarine was to be like butter yet, it was not. In fact it was illegal to color it yellow until 1967 so that people could tell the difference between real butter and fake margarine. And now, we have that problem in the church. Yes, we have a fake yellow margarine church. No longer is the church pure and holy like real butter, but it now seems to be harder to tell if it’s butter or margarine you are getting at your church.

That is why we invented, “I can’t believe because it is just margarine and not real butter” discernment butter. Yes, now when you take communion, you can spread real butter on your communion bread in protest over the fake believers in your church. Now you can tell who is real and who is fake when those who partake do not spread this holy butter on their communion bread or wafer. Not only that, but it adds flavor also! No more will we settle for margarine style believers when we can have real believers “spreading” the word.


Men need to be men and women need to be women

May 12, 2009

georgeclooney

Your typical effeminate metro-sexual!

 In the bible I read, which is the one dropped by God from the sky untouched by any man’s hands; it states God wants men to be men and women to be women.

 There is no room in Heaven for effeminate men. Who cares if some man is genetically more on his mom’s side and may have a soft voice? And you fat men with those “breasts” might as well sit in a hot sauna as it will ready you for hell! Yes, God does not allow men with female breasts in Heaven.

nicholsonDM0302_468x436

Typical effeminate man with man breasts!

 Now I am not talking about just homosexuals. You know you are already going to fry… I am talking about heterosexuals men who spend more time in front of a mirror than in the bible. Those hetero-metrosexuals like Rob Bell who have come to a point that we don’t even recognize what sex he is… so let’s just call him “gay” or “gay-loving” (that is close enough for me) and cosign him to gay hell!

rb22

While not gay, Rob Bell is a Metro-sexual!

 Someone tried the whole “what about grace?” Well let me tell you, God has no grace for sinners. His grace is only for believers. We must repent to be reconciled. God does not just freely give his grace away to anyone! He is too righteous for that.

 Good grief, it is bad enough we have protestant churches ordaining women and gays, what’s next? Metrosexuals?

 Come soon for your Bride, Jesus and burn this planet down!

 I. Todyaso


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