Super Secret open letter to those outside the Secret Order of the ODM

Picture of the last SODUM meeting.

 

The ODM has the super secret gift of discerning which lie is best for what situation. My great-great-great-great-great-great-grand uncle Screwtape Todayso taught me many things before he was put into chains of darkness in Tartarus. I am here to pass these super secret ODM truths on to the ignorant masses. I was trained under my affectionate uncle Ken Silva who was secretly mentored by Walter Martin. Now Walter Martin was not one of us. He did not choose the narrow path of slander and lies to attack others.

 Here is a secret few know that Ken taught me.  Take good teaching from great men of God and twist them to fit OUR DOCTRINES. For instance, many Calvinist make great ODMs. Why? Many teach the DOCTRINES of grace while that bad ones teach the doctrines of GRACE. Do you see what I am saying? The focus is one us and who we approve as saved and worthy of the Grace of God by the filter of our own systematic theological bend. If you do not agree with us, then you are not of us. If you leave us, you were never of us. We made our Election sure by making sure God knows who the really bad Christians are. Meanwhile we can show God how great we are and how much we love Him by our zeal to commit to saving God and His fragile truth from the pagans and false Christian converts. Deep in our secret lair we seek knew and greater ways to hurt and harm those ministries we do not approve of. We have developed new technology to make it easier for our followers to judge and condemn others. It is you the reader of the ODM’s who make us as powerful as we are. The more you read us the more we infect your spirit and make you worthless and weak. God looks down and sees you and frowns in anger at your failures and we look good as we point it out.

 This plan of deflection and exposure of others sins and misdeeds has been our game for thousands of years if not more. If you rise against us you will be taken down. In fact we will crucify anyone who tries to ruin our plans. We have already done it once! So follow the ODM way and know that you will be secure in your position of favor with our great and mighty God.  Join the Secret Order of Discernmentist United in Ministries also known as SODUM.

New Anti – Emergent Gun Now Available

Have you ever gone to church and seen this guy?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Or this guy?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes that is most likely an evil Emergent! They are entering “good” churches everywhere! Why should you have to feel like you are walking down a dark alley unprotected from muggers, theives and heretics that only want to steal your money freedom and pure doctrines? Now you can protect yourself with the Anti Emergent Mace Gun.

* The Anti Emergent Mace Gun also works on criminals, Arminians, small children that are bothering you during worship, pets, Muslim’s disorderly Elders, Liberals, Rick Warrenites, Caholics,  wayward worship leaders, gays, lesbians, bi sexuals, transgender and metrosexuals as well as a seasoning for beef, pork and chicken. Keep out of reach of children and pets unless you intentionally desire to harm them. May discharge accidently. Do not aim at your own face unless you feel that you are becoming any of the before mentioned. Company is not responsible for your actions and stupidity.

We are building a religion!

Is your ministry going as well as the Titanic?

Got that sinking feeling?

Is every man (and woman) going overboard and vacating your prized discernmentalist ministry? Do you find that others are not in line with your….

…high-minded biblical thinking?

…your most excellent orthodoxy?

…your rightness?

….your biblical tantrums when others do not agree?

You see at ODMafia people get in line (because most of our employees are robots). We demand full obedience and so should your slaves staff. If you have TRULY spirit filled, bible obedient people they WILL sucumb to your teachings and leadership abilities…we can ensure that IF you come along side ODMafia and allow us to show you how its done.

As the Green Beret of discernment, truth and orthodoxy we have insight that you probably don’t have BUT need. So get in line and let us show you how its done….

There are no mysteries! We are certain!

 

 

There are no mysteries left! We know all and are certain of this. We are certain we understand and know all about the Trinity, Incarnation, virgin birth and other so called mysteries. Those emerging heretics live with their so-call awe of mystery yet live in total uncertainty… Yet we know all as we have OUR DOCTRINES! We agree with “. . . and the world hears them” as he states: Within Scripture we find glorious certainty of our faith! Yes! Then we just proof text all the scripture to support our position. God is no longer a mystery and we can claim full understanding of God with certainty. If you ever have a single doubt about your faith or even if God exists… then simply you are not saved! If you ever have a time you just wonder if any of this is real… you are not really saved. We are certain of that. If you are uncertain as to what God has planned for you just ask us…or remained unsaved!

We also agree that we can sum this all up by stating that if you disagree with us you are against the Holy Spirit:

 

The Holy Spirit teaches us. There is no need for any other ‘teacher’. “[Y]ou have no need for anyone to teach you; but as His anointing teaches you about all things, and is true and is not a lie” (1John 2:27)

 

So if you read this and do not understand what I am saying then I doubt you are saved… or rather I am certain you are not saved as I would not be saved if I ever doubt. I am certain that those of you who believe in spite of you doubts are even saved… again I am certain of that! Especially if you disagree with OUR DOCTRINES! We know that the opposite of certainty is doubt right? I mean there is no room in faith to learn how to trust and be certain of that I am certain! When one begins their walk of faith, they must know all that will be ahead of them. One must not be uncertain that they do not know what God has in store for them. One cannot be certain in God and uncertain in themselves… that is foolish and we then lose control of God! No. We must be certain in both out self and in God. The foolishness of the Emergent to think that one can be certain in God and not in themselves, I mean… that would mean we would have to be totally dependant on God for everything and that is what OUR DOCTRINES are for! So the next time you hear an Emergent tell you they are “uncertain” of the Trinity, yet embrace it’s mystery… or that they are uncertain of the virgin birth but embrace it’s mystery realize they doubt themselves and are trusting God to be Who he states He is even without themselves understanding this mystery… wait… there is no mystery… as I stated so certainly.

 

So in summary, one cannot be certain and embrace God’s mystery. If someone claims to be uncertain or expresses doubts but still states they have faith in God anyway, they are a heretic. I someone express that their doubts lead them to learn how to trust, again they are not saved. To admit one has doubts or fears takes humility and makes one vulnerable and we here at the ODMafia will have nothing with those weak willed things. I am certain of all this. Are you? Can you imagine if Spurgeon ever spoke of having doubts in the darkness of night?

Picture of Ken Silva emerges!

 Ken Silva who is Pastor President, and Pastor Teacher and founder of Apprising Ministries, CRN, and now also is Vice President and Associate Pastor and International Director of  Evangelism Explosion International as well has become a Dr in his spare time, has been able to keep his identity secret on the Internet for many years now.* Though we once thought we caught a glimpse of him, he was gone. Some say he looks sort of like Jon Voight yet these rumors cannot be confirmed or denied. Today, a picture of Ken Silva emerged on the internet which we thing was an evil plot devised by Tony Jones and Doug Pagitt. Fortunately we were able to intercept the picture and distort the image of Ken Silva in his secret lair. Ken, you can thank the ODMafia for keeping you secret identity from being known.

 

* Note there may be more than one Ken Silva listed together at the site linked to above, but Pastor/Leader/President/Teacher/Editor/Chief Editor/Internet Guru/My Affectionate Uncle/My  Mentor/Lord of the Ring/Lord of the Manor/Master of his Domain/Imperial Wizard/Grand Poupon/Master of Disaster/The One that puts the fun in Fundamentalist/Grand Master Discernmentalist/Mentored by Walter Martin by listening to cassette tapes/  is a very busy man so who really knows?

Truth War News Update! ODMafia buys Army Surplus!

Picture shows I. Todyaso and new recruits to the Truth War

The ODMafia today announced they have bought Army Surplus. There has been a huge increase in tithes and offerings  being given to the ODMafia over the last year so they decided to spend it on surplus war products in preparation for the acceleration of the Truth War across America, Europe, Australia and South Africa. The ODMafia hope to invade Poland, France and bombard England with Truth War propaganda to bring down the emerging church enemies. “Recent enemies of God activity in Europe has made it necessary to step things up a bit.” stated I. Todyaso of ODMafia. “We are happy to send other people’s sons and daughters to the front lines to keep back the flood of N.T. Wrightians and other apostate groups. We are looking for a person to do a Discernment Ministry plant in Australia in the next month or so. I hear they have indigenous people who still practice occult religions there.” I. Todyaso was quoted as saying. “We must stop them from coming into our churches and possibly messing things up!” He went on to say, “Truthsayer is looking toward surplus NASA products to prepare for our first Truth War stations on the moon and Mars.”

This is your typical Emergent Church Service

This is actual footage taken by our hidden spy cameras when we infiltrated the Emergent Village. Listen and you will here him mock Christians!

 

Numa Numa Video turns out to be secret Rob Bell coded video!

 

Loosely translated it says:

“Nooma Nooma watch Nooma Nooma learn how to walk in the ways of Jesus. Get annoyed with Bullhorn guys and set fire to your marriage. Buy Nooma Nooma videos and use them at your church.”

Much of the rest is too hard to translate and is mostly Emergent “speak” that no one outside of Emergent Village understands.

The newest drink of heretics!

I suspected something was in the water that was causing all this new heresy! Now I know what is going on. They are all drinking Emerge! If they were real Christians they would be drinking Kool Aid!