April 19, 2011
Our Research Robot Monkeys recently infiltrated an Emergent Cohort compound and discovered horrible abominations such as couches and candles. In this candle-lit ashram there were a bunch of scantily-clad men and women participating in the usual routine Emergent rituals of nude centering prayer (with much icons, incense, chanting, and apophatic silence). There was a lot of stretching going on and not in a good way. Our Research Robot Monkeys were horrified at all they saw and we are too. All we can say is Beware… Beware the Emergent Hordes and their Seeker-Sensitive Purpose-Driven lives!
Video of a typical Emergent Village pow-wow:
January 19, 2011
By buying a ticket to one of our Sovereign Cruises today:
Yes that’s right you can celebrate the beauty of our non-man-centered Gospel by buying a ticket for one of our Sovereign Cruises today. What better way of reveling in the Absolute Biblical Truth Gospel of God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath and Law towards the 99% of humanity that He foreordained not to love by spending your time on one of our Sovereign Cruises today! Just think of all the non-man-centered fun you’ll be having if you join us for one of our Sovereign Cruises today! Why you’ll just jump for joy and leap with glee as you discuss the endless torment of all those who do not believe the same as you!
And as we all know the best way to combat heresy and the spiritual terrorists who are attacking Absolute Truth in our churches is by joining us for one of our Sovereign Cruises today! After-all, God’s Truth is so fragile and always under attack that we must all take a stand in God’s sovereignty to protect it. If we do not, the perverts and sickos of this world will destroy the church and what better way to do that than by participating in a non-man-centered activity like going on one of our Sovereign Cruises today.
Through the ages, our Lord Jesus Christ has provided His Word to His bride, the church. The Word is His voice, and He has chosen to speak with clarity and with sufficiency. He has given this tremendous gift out of love, for He has protected it and blessed those who have remained faithful to its teachings. Its sufficiency is a great encouragement to His people, for without it they would be left wandering in darkness, always casting about for some other source to guide them to the truth in the kind of certainty needed for a life of godliness and service in a hostile world.
The God-breathed Scriptures speak to every generation of believers with the same soul-changing, truth-imparting power as they did from the beginning. However, this world has become an indescribably challenging place. Islam’s self-identification is to deny Christian truth but yet is allowed to stand unchallenged in our modern media . Issues of ethics and morality, extending from abortion through genetic experimentation, euthanasia, homosexuality, and the complete redefinition of the divine institution of marriage and family are all around us. Postmodernism has destroyed the foundation of truth, humanism has annihilated the highest and best in man, and naturalistic materialism has banished hope from his mind. The world has nothing to offer him, since he is created in the image of God, and so he lives in constant rebellion against this nature and the testimony of God’s existence all around him and within him. Only Christ’s church, blessed with His Word, can speak to man’s truest needs. The enemy, knowing this, attacks the Scriptures in every conceivable fashion, seeking to sow seeds of doubt in believer’s minds so that they will not boldly proclaim to the world the very truths God’s Word has revealed.
What we promise you’ll hear on one of our Sovereign Cruises:
- All non-Calvinist theology is man-centered
- The Bible is inerrant
- Our interpretation of the Bible is inerrant
- We are not man-centered
- Our interpretation of the Bible is not man-centered
- This cruise is not man-centered
So join us today on one of our lovely and luxurious non-man-centered Sovereign Cruises!
July 19, 2010
Are you as horrified as us over the Obamanation of ObamaCare? Are you tired of pseudo-scientific advances in Medicine? Have we got the answer for you—science-free medicine activated only by biblical faith because secular medicine is an assault:
- an assault on the Bible
- an assault on the Absolute Truth
- an assault on our Faith
- an assault on traditional American values
- an assault on Freedom
- an assault on our right to be stupid practice Bible-Based Science
- and yes even an assault on our angry Sovereign God’s wrath and Law against sinners
Other reasons to get on board Science-Free Medicine today: Secular pseudo-scientists say that the microbes that attack our bodies are ever-evolving lifeforms which is why these evolutionary pseudo-scientists have to keep inventing new antibiotics. Isn’t that just evil? Can you say “placebo”? We Know this is just ignorance on the part of evilutionists—trying to educate people make up lies to disseminate prop up scientific truth their delusional fairy-tales. Besides would you want pseudo-scientists sticking strange needles and/or pills in you? Who knows they could be giving you the Mark of the Beast especially if they’re Roman Catholic doctors. We Know that microbes, germs, bacteria, viruses and diseases are all caused by sin and they don’t evolve at all as evolution never happens just as the Bible says. Just as God literally created the universe and everything within it unchangeable and as absolute static forms in 6 literal 24-hour days—God allows microbes, germs, bacteria, viruses and diseases to remain unchanged in order to punish vile, wretched and wicked sinners whose destruction we should all rejoice in.
Another reason to back our Science-Free Medicine is that secular medical science denies Absolute Biblical Truths already succinctly illustrated above. After infiltrating a pseudo-scientific lab full of evolutionary Emergent doctors, Our Research Robot Monkeys also noted the following:
Secular Medical Science and secular health care are so bankrupt that many are abandoning them to embrace New Age Mystical healing gooble-de-gook. Secular and New Age medicine is the new savior. Problems that were once blamed on individual sin and familial genetic sin (Original Sin) are now charged to chemical imbalances and disorders. Yesterday’s medical science and today’s medical science share the same fatal errors–they reject the total depravity of man due to sin; they treat the symptoms instead of the heart; and they aim for change that is not true sanctification. In spite of obvious failure, the notion prevails within the church that secular medicine and secular health care are more effective agents of change–particularly in dealing with the most difficult cases of illnesses–than the Holy Spirit who sanctifies. But can secular medicine and secular health care possibly accomplish something the Holy Spirit cannot? Can an earthly doctor achieve more than a heavenly Comforter? Is medicine more helpful than sanctification? Of course not.
Last but not least, the symbol of Secular Medicine is not only Pagan in orgin but also Occultic and Gnostic in origin and as We all Know Gnosticism is a heresy. If that isn’t enough to reject the evil and sinister cabals of Secular Medical Pseudo-Science whole scale then you must be a servant of Satan—so remember Science-Free Medicine for all your Bible-Based Faith-Healing needs where our motto is: “we’ll lock you in a closet and scream and yell Bible verses at you until you repent of your sins and get saved/cured/healed from your illnesses or else.” Warning if our Bible-Based Healing methods don’t work for you then it means you lack TRUE Biblical Faith and most likely weren’t meant to be healed to begin with.
July 7, 2010
Introducing new science free light bulbs that are powered only by biblical faith. If it does not light up you can pretty much kiss your back end good bye – you lack faith and are likely not fit for heaven. We guarantee that these special light bulbs will NOT work with Roman Catholics, liberals, post-moderns, emergents and Rob Bell. We are confident that true believers (that is us and other online discernmentalist ministries) could light up entire crates of these special bulbs.
Order now and get a pair of free steak knives with every purchase!
June 30, 2010
Eric Barger reveals “The REAL Purpose of the Church” by giving a sneak preview of what’s in store for all True ODM Churches in these Last Days. What’s in store for all Pure ODM Churches taking a stand for Absolute Truth you may ask? Why! Nothing but the blessed rapture! (Thanks to one of our Reasearch Robot Monkeys for catching this).
However we are not quite satisfied with that answer as we are not quite in the Last Days of this Great Tribulation of Emergent apostasy—because of this we must continue to stand for Truth so that we will be ready—Rapture Ready when the blessed rapture occurs before Jesus returns and comes to slay all the non-Elect unregenerate reprobates.
Are you ready? Here is our list of what one must do to be ready in order to prepare for the blessed rapture:
- Unconditionally support every act of Israel even their acts of terrorism
- Unconditionally support USA-brand Imperialism
- Vote Obama and every Democrat out of office
- Smoke a Spurgeon-approved cigar
- Buy 667 copies of John MacArthur’s book The Truth War: Fighting for Certainty in an Age of Deception and leave one copy everywhere you go just in case one of the regenerate predestined Elect accidently stumbles upon a copy and awakens to their status of being among the regenerate predestined Elect
- Outlaw all abortion and homosexuality
- Use only a King James AV1611 Bible or ESV
- Burn any copy of Rick Warren’s Purpose Driven Life, Brian McLaren’s books or any other Emergent type book that you come across preferably while performing a Bible-Based animal sacrifice or while burning Emergent heretics themselves
- Read only the Online Discernmentalist Mafia, The Official Blog Of God’s Only Inerrant Party, Ken Silva and other ODMs to get your facts]
- Continue to be ever-vigilant and ever-valiant in your stand for our Absolute Biblical Truth
June 7, 2010
Our Research Robot Monkeys have discovered that a consortium of Online Discernment Ministries have devised a new listening device to eaves drop in on the emerging church: PROJECT DUMBO. There are reports that an authentic Dan Kimball sermon has been intercepted, and the following statements have been deduced “Then this is a day of independence for all the Munchkins and their descendants!” “come here my little pretty” and “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.” We cannot substantiate these quotes nor do we need to verify them due to the ODM code of misconduct. Fact checking is not our style (plus its unbiblical)….but can only note that the quotes must be true if an ODM quoted them.
NSA has also expressed interest in this device.