“Presenting the truth without compromise is not popular in many religious circles today. With a great volume of “feel good” and “happy” half-gospels being offered, those who buck the trend and offer messages laced with words such as “sin,” “judgment,” “holiness,” “Satan,” and “repentance” are commonly viewed as narrow, old-fashioned or even Neanderthal. Actually, the preaching of the whole, authentic Gospel, with all of its convicting themes, never has been “popular.” What is different now than in times past is that yesterday’s Evangelicals were primarily interested in winning and then building strong, righteous disciples. In our day, however, many have decided to market themselves in such a way as to engage in a sort of popularity contest. This is symptomatic of the last days. Doesn’t it make sense that, if one is attempting to use marketing techniques like we’re seeing now, sermons pertaining to righteousness and surrender – let alone sin and hell – wouldn’t be considered? These themes are relics from a bygone era and are considered counterproductive to the prevailing wisdom churned out by today’s gurus of church growth.”
Therefore to sum up….
1) I pledge to preach the WHOLE TRUTH…and nothing but the truth. I NEVER compromise, because that is how holy I am. HEre and only here will you get nothing but the truth (and when I saying “nothing but the truth” I mean it!) You will never find liberal-style Christianity here that stresses love, meekness or humility.
2) I will offer nothing that is “feel good” I will guarantee to make you feel bad. That is my pledge!
3) I will join no popularity contests….even though I am number one in my world…and yours too.
4) There will be no “Happy-Half-Gospels” see #2. I will offer only brooding angry FULL gospels. Happy are they who trust in the Lord.
5) We’ll never use mass marketing techniques, ie like mass email mail-outs like those consumeristic churches.
That is my pledge! “God, I thank you that I am not like other men”.
Affectionately yours,
Truthslayer.
PS Please sign up for our non-popularity-contest-non-consumeristic-mass-mailing for your weekly diet of absolute truth. Its my guarantee to you!
The ODM has the super secret gift of discerning which lie is best for what situation. My great-great-great-great-great-great-grand uncle Screwtape Todayso taught me many things before he was put into chains of darkness in Tartarus. I am here to pass these super secret ODM truths on to the ignorant masses. I was trained under my affectionate uncle Ken Silva who was secretly mentored by Walter Martin. Now Walter Martin was not one of us. He did not choose the narrow path of slander and lies to attack others.
Here is a secret few know that Ken taught me. Take good teaching from great men of God and twist them to fit OUR DOCTRINES. For instance, many Calvinist make great ODMs. Why? Many teach the DOCTRINES of grace while that bad ones teach the doctrines of GRACE. Do you see what I am saying? The focus is one us and who we approve as saved and worthy of the Grace of God by the filter of our own systematic theological bend. If you do not agree with us, then you are not of us. If you leave us, you were never of us. We made our Election sure by making sure God knows who the really bad Christians are. Meanwhile we can show God how great we are and how much we love Him by our zeal to commit to saving God and His fragile truth from the pagans and false Christian converts. Deep in our secret lair we seek knew and greater ways to hurt and harm those ministries we do not approve of. We have developed new technology to make it easier for our followers to judge and condemn others. It is you the reader of the ODM’s who make us as powerful as we are. The more you read us the more we infect your spirit and make you worthless and weak. God looks down and sees you and frowns in anger at your failures and we look good as we point it out.
This plan of deflection and exposure of others sins and misdeeds has been our game for thousands of years if not more. If you rise against us you will be taken down. In fact we will crucify anyone who tries to ruin our plans. We have already done it once! So follow the ODM way and know that you will be secure in your position of favor with our great and mighty God. Join the Secret Order of Discernmentist United in Ministries also known as SODUM.
I can’t wait till Randell Terry gives us permission to use our rights to bare arms! So only the Elect will have the right to life… the rest of you guys will burn in hell!
(FIX Network The network where we fix the news we broadcast) We are still in heavy debate as to what to do. We were just about to reveal the most hated ODM and their site when a phone call came in with terrible news. Apparently there was an issue with someone tampering with Chad the official ballot counter. Though another independent ballot counter was brought in, debate as to whether the ballots would be counted correctly as Al Franken (a liberal) was found to have won according to the independent ballot counter co. Al Franken was not even on the ballot so this was a shock and we immediately demanded a recount!
[Advertisement]*
It seems the main debate was with Chad who was fixing many improperly casted ballot cards by using his unique discernmentalist powers of knowing what the voter really meant. Chad’s talent is one that is used throughout the ODM world on a regular basis. The unique discernmentalist power is being able to take a clear statement someone says and twist it to mean whatever the ODM desires it to mean. By doing this the ODM can always be right by twisting the other person’s words to the obviously wrong meaning. Chad was doing fine until someone began spreading rumors that Chad was tampering with the ballots. We want all to know that was not the case and Chad is the victim of a vicious RCC/Emergent/PDL/Seeker Driven/Arminian/Charismatic/Democratic conspiracy to discredit ODM’s as dishonest. We do not argue we are not dishonest, rather we ODM’s see our dishonesty when used honestly to protect the Truth as honorable. So it is a debate over God’s Honor being discredited by those who hate God and OUR DOCTRINAL truth that protects God, Country, The Bible and the American Way of Life.
[More conservative advertising]*
So we contend that if you followed our logical argument that Chad is the true victim and call to fasting, prayer and that all True Believers in the ODM way send us more money, (we prefer cash as it is not as easy to be traced by the evil Government).
We hope that soon this mess will be figured out and that the winner of this prestigious award will be revealed soon. Stay tuned!
Ken Silva and the fine crew of God’s Only Inerrant Party have recently discovered a new sinister plot by those Evil Emergents who are truly pagan and worship Satan. Here are the details that our GOIP Bot Searcher 3342 found on futher investigation:
Yes that is most likely an evil Emergent! They are entering “good” churches everywhere! Why should you have to feel like you are walking down a dark alley unprotected from muggers, theives and heretics that only want to steal your money freedom and pure doctrines? Now you can protect yourself with the Anti Emergent Mace Gun.
* The Anti Emergent Mace Gun also works on criminals, Arminians, small children that are bothering you during worship, pets, Muslim’s disorderly Elders, Liberals, Rick Warrenites, Caholics, wayward worship leaders, gays, lesbians, bi sexuals, transgender and metrosexuals as well as a seasoning for beef, pork and chicken.Keep out of reach of children and pets unless you intentionally desire to harm them. May discharge accidently. Do not aim at your own face unless you feel that you are becoming any of the before mentioned. Company is not responsible for your actions and stupidity.
Comment Deleter Program: Ted Stevens, the 83-year-old senior senator from Alaska, described the Internet as “a series of tubes.” Yet clumsy as his metaphor may have been, Stevens was struggling to make a reasonable point: the tubes can get clogged.Read More We have the solution. We have created the auto-anti-emerging comment deleter program that will delete those pesky Emergents comments that waste bandwidth and website space. By deleting their garbage, the internet will become less clogged and flow more freely.
Nanocharging Solar: Arthur Nozik believes quantum-dot solar power could boost output in cheap photovoltaics. We are already using this technology to help run many ODM sites when power supplies are limited. Just attach our cheap Photovoltaics Laptop power supply to your cheap Photovoltaics Laptop and you can continue to attack those evil heretics!
Personalized Heresy Monitors: Ken Silva says using computers to automate some research could make proper doctrine easier to attain and heresy easier to point out.
Cell Group Analysis: We here at the ODMafia believe that detecting minute differences in heretical teachings between individual cells groups could improve ODM churches.
Truth Stretching Opticals: Eric Barger has created light-focusing optical antennas that could lead to DVDs that hold hundreds of misleading teachings and out of context quotes to build better straw-man arguments.
Resistible Revolution: Artificially structured metamaterials could transform ODM abilities to build further resistance to Shane Claiborne.
Neuron Control: Karl Deisseroth’s genetically engineered “light switch,” which lets scientists turn selected parts of the brain on and off, may help improve controlling your congregation from thinking for themselves. We here at the ODMafia abhor that sort of thing in churches! (Thinking that is… if you do it we will be out of a job! So let us do it for you!)
Nanohealing: Tiny fibers will save lives by stopping church bleeding and aiding recovery from Emerging brain injury, says ODM Chris Rosebrough.
Digital Imaging, Reimagined: Chris Rosebrough and Ken Silva believe compressive sensing could help rewrite historical Christianity to be more to their own version. They can reimage historical Christianity to fit their doctrinal needs at will.
Argumental Reality: We ODM’s want to superimpose our information on the real world. We see that just the shere power of our fallacious and illogical arguments will change reality for those who listen and believe in us and OUR doctrines.
This was in response to the horrible article I found here.
Your success and worth as a Christian in the group based primarily on spiritual performance and/or obedience to church “authority”… being the Pastor.
Your particular church teaches that your group is “set apart” (a remnant) from other Christian churches as being special, better or chosen.
There an overwhelming focus on maintaining the “spiritual covering” of a church leader, mentor or “shepherd”.
The group require personal and financial decisions to be “approved” by church leadership.
If a member disagrees with the church, that member is labeled a “rebel” or “Jezebel” or worse “Emergent”.
Open communication discouraged and even forbidden.
Disobedience to church authority considered the same as disobedience to God himself.
Members are discouraged from communicating with friends and family that don’t agree with church policy and doctrine.
Church authorities decide what your “spiritual gifts” are.
When times become tough, the member is told that they don’t tithe enough, have hidden sin in their lives, or that they need “more accountability”.
There should be NO joy in serving Christ that you did at the beginning of your relationship with the church. You must feel performance anxiety and and intense need to ensure that you don’t fail or mess it up.
A friend of a friend of a very high ranking ODM website manager sent me this video depicting a typical Roman Catholic Church service where Jesus falls off the Cross! Yes, it seems to be happening everywhere! We know Jesus is no longer on the Cross and that is why in our churches we have an EMPTY Cross. Yet, Catholics believe Jesus is still on the Cross so show Him still on the Cross. We now know for sure that the Reformation was the right thing to do and this “sign” should make any Catholic “wonder” why they are not Protestant!
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Dude! This is a satire site!
Before you get all bent out of shape, please realize this is a satire site spoofing the so-called "discernment ministries" who deem themselves more worthy of Grace than the rest of us. So read and have fun! BTW, we are not against "good" discernment ministries that do actual real research and extend grace to others, only the bad ones.
Posted by truthslayer 
Posted by itodyaso 
Posted by itodyaso 
Nanocharging Solar: Arthur Nozik believes quantum-dot solar power could boost output in cheap photovoltaics. We are already using this technology to help run many ODM sites when power supplies are limited. Just attach our cheap Photovoltaics Laptop power supply to your cheap Photovoltaics Laptop and you can continue to attack those evil heretics!
Neuron Control: Karl Deisseroth’s genetically engineered “light switch,” which lets scientists turn selected parts of the brain on and off, may help improve controlling your congregation from thinking for themselves. We here at the ODMafia abhor that sort of thing in churches! (Thinking that is… if you do it we will be out of a job! So let us do it for you!)
itodyaso
seymorespurgeon
truthslayer
Will Farel XV
