John Piper Found To Be Not A True Calvinist

January 24, 2010

 

John Piper displaying secret Arminian hand signals–proof he is a closet semi-Pelagian. 

1.  He teaches anti-Discernmentalist messages such as: Be a Kinder Calvinist. We need not be kinder—we need to be more in your face as Absolute Truth Warriors in John MacArthur‘s Truth Wars since Calvinism and not Jesus is the Gospel. Was Jesus kind when  he called those Arminian Baptist Lutheran Catholic Emergent Liberal Pharisees a “brood of vipers?” If we are then True Truth Warriors—we should follow Jesus’ example  by condemning our enemies in defense of our Absolute Sovereign Truths—but we should never follow Jesus in a Red-Letter way, because that’s too anti-American and communistic. 

2. He isn’t right with Spurgeon’s Church. Read all about it: Here. Spurgeon being the measure of all Absolute Truthiness of course is what any True Christian uses to measure all Truths. 

3. He  is worldly by mixing Absolute Truth with error

The Merger of Calvinism with Worldliness 

from Sword & Trowel 2009, No. 1 by Dr Peter Masters 

When I was a youngster and newly saved, it seemed as if the chief goal of all zealous Christians, whether Calvinistic or Arminian, was consecration. Sermons, books and conferences stressed this in the spirit of Romans 12.1-2, where the beseeching apostle calls believers to present their bodies a living sacrifice, and not to be conformed to this world. The heart was challenged and stirred. Christ was to be Lord of one’s life, and self must be surrendered on the altar of service for him. 

But now, it appears, there is a new Calvinism, with new Calvinists, which has swept the old objectives aside. A recent book, Young, Restless, Reformed, by Collin Hansen tells the story of how a so-called Calvinistic resurgence has captured the imaginations of thousands of young people in the USA, and this book has been reviewed with great enthusiasm in well-known magazines in the UK, such as Banner of Truth, Evangelical Times, and Reformation Today.This writer, however, was very deeply saddened to read it, because it describes a seriously distorted Calvinism falling far, far short of an authentic life of obedience to a sovereign God. If this kind of Calvinism prospers, then genuine biblical piety will be under attack as never before.

The author of the book is a young man (around 26 when he wrote it) who grew up in a Christian family and trained in secular journalism. We are indebted to him for the readable and wide-reaching survey he gives of this new phenomenon, but the scene is certainly not a happy one.The author begins by describing the Passion, conference at Atlanta in 2007, where 21,000 young people revelled in contemporary music, and listened to speakers such as John Piper proclaiming Calvinistic sentiments. And this picture is repeated many times through the book – large conferences being described at which the syncretism of worldly, sensation-stirring, high-decibel, rhythmic music, is mixed with Calvinistic doctrine.

We are told of thunderous music, thousands of raised hands, ‘Christian’ hip-hop and rap lyrics (the examples seeming inept and awkward in construction) uniting the doctrines of grace with the immoral drug-induced musical forms of worldly culture.

 4. He isn’t John MacArthur God’s holiest Truth voice on earth. This is why John MacArthur is #1 in Absolute Truth

Don Jobson—Piping Piper back home  to Geneva.


Now a word from our sponsor, Rush Limbaugh!

January 22, 2010

 

First Rush Limbaugh brought us Oxycotin!

Now Rush Limbaugh brings you Super Viagra!

Now back to our regular scheduled programing!


Super Secret open letter to those outside the Secret Order of the ODM

November 6, 2009

SODM

Picture of the last SODUM meeting.

 

The ODM has the super secret gift of discerning which lie is best for what situation. My great-great-great-great-great-great-grand uncle Screwtape Todayso taught me many things before he was put into chains of darkness in Tartarus. I am here to pass these super secret ODM truths on to the ignorant masses. I was trained under my affectionate uncle Ken Silva who was secretly mentored by Walter Martin. Now Walter Martin was not one of us. He did not choose the narrow path of slander and lies to attack others.

 Here is a secret few know that Ken taught me.  Take good teaching from great men of God and twist them to fit OUR DOCTRINES. For instance, many Calvinist make great ODMs. Why? Many teach the DOCTRINES of grace while that bad ones teach the doctrines of GRACE. Do you see what I am saying? The focus is one us and who we approve as saved and worthy of the Grace of God by the filter of our own systematic theological bend. If you do not agree with us, then you are not of us. If you leave us, you were never of us. We made our Election sure by making sure God knows who the really bad Christians are. Meanwhile we can show God how great we are and how much we love Him by our zeal to commit to saving God and His fragile truth from the pagans and false Christian converts. Deep in our secret lair we seek knew and greater ways to hurt and harm those ministries we do not approve of. We have developed new technology to make it easier for our followers to judge and condemn others. It is you the reader of the ODM’s who make us as powerful as we are. The more you read us the more we infect your spirit and make you worthless and weak. God looks down and sees you and frowns in anger at your failures and we look good as we point it out.

 This plan of deflection and exposure of others sins and misdeeds has been our game for thousands of years if not more. If you rise against us you will be taken down. In fact we will crucify anyone who tries to ruin our plans. We have already done it once! So follow the ODM way and know that you will be secure in your position of favor with our great and mighty God.  Join the Secret Order of Discernmentist United in Ministries also known as SODUM.


Happy Helloween! Burn Those Heretics Next!

October 15, 2009

 

 

Happy Helloween! Next year forget the books and burn the heretics!

We are proud to state that Pastor Grizzard is an honorary graduate of ODMU!


Seismic Shift In Methods Used To Track Heretics!

September 29, 2009

Church damaged by candles used in secret Emergent meeting. Thank God there were no couches in there as the whole place would have burnt down!

ODMafia Daily (Sep .29, 2009) — Discernmentalist have developed a new technique to monitor emerging heretical movements beneath the Earth’s surface, helping them better understand how Emergent’s behave.


The team, led by top ODM, I. Todyaso from the ODM University, says that the new method, which uses data collected from heretics, potentially allows the Emergent activity to map more comprehensively other heretical movements.

ODM’s currently monitor underground movements, such as Emergents, using super-secret – instruments that measure the motion of those movements at local churches. This helps to indicate where they might be taking place and what churches could be infected next.

Now, by analyzing the heretical waves from two different Emergent meetings, the team has been able to simulate the heretical waves from one of meetings much like a recording seismometer does with earthquakes. The discovery allows Emergents themselves to be used as virtual seismometers that record passing heretical waves from tremors to full fledged “Soul Tsunamis”.

Using Emergents in this way substantially increases the number of locations that could be used to detect Emergent activity. And since Emergents services occur in dimly lit buildings with couches, using them also allows ODM”s to monitor other heretical activity from far the future!

The research, published in Natural Judgmentalism, was carried out in collaboration with the British ODM Survey and other ODM Universities.

TruthSlayer, Professor of Mathematical Heretical Studies at the ODM University of Canada, said: “This turns the way we can twist Emerging movements leaders quotes on their head. By using Emergents themselves as virtual microphones that record the sound of heretics internal movements, we can listen to the Heretics stretching and cracking from directly within its most heretical places.”

Dr. Brian D. Southernbaptie, ODMology Team Leader at the British ODMological Survey, said: “This discovery shows how we can measure strains of heresy deep inside the Church and helps improve our understanding of the processes driving emerging activity so we are better equipped to lie about what they really teach.”


(Name removed upon request) spreads rumors that heretic runs ODMafia!

August 24, 2009

 

 

n735656195_8063(Name removed upon request) aka “Pastorboy” demanded that CRninfo not use his real name at their site. Over the last few years “CRN’s (Name removed upon request), who is pastor of River of Life Alliance Church,” has begun to spread rumors that a heretic named “iggy” is secretly running the ODMafia. iggy is known for all sorts of foul and stenchful things he believes like Jesus is the only way of salvation, a person is save by Grace through faith not by works and that one can only receive eternal life through the Resurrected life of Jesus Christ. (Of course he can’t really believe that as he is a heretic after all!) (Name removed upon request) does write a convincing article though and we here at the ODMafia were almost convinced ourselves it was the real deal, yet we realized that (Name withheld by request) is also running a parody site of CRNinfo and analysis and is really giving them a run for their satire money! We had to laugh as we almost closed this blog down thinking the lie, libel slander humorous post was true! Thank God TruthSlayer put on his magical discernmentalist glasses and saw right through the satire/parody that (Name removed upon request) aka Pastorboy had written. What we found the most funny that with self righteous indignation (Name removed upon request) aka Pastorboy stated:

“Although he [iggy] has made a mockery of my desire to stay as private as possible on the internet, I forgive him.”

Thanks for the laugh (Name removed by request) aka Pastorboy sometimes we take ourselves too seriously here. WeLadyHuhFINAL are glad you have a sense of humor. I mean we all know that (Name removed upon request) aka Pastorboy would never get upset for someone using his real name on the internet. 

I mean (Name removed upon request) aka Pastorboy did not get angry when Ken Silva posted his full name and the name of his church at CRN. So why would he be hypocritical and get mad if someone else did the same thing? And most of all, (Name removed upon request) aka Pastorboy would always turn the other cheek. He would never try to get even now would he?

More on (name removed upon request) here.


Picture of Ken Silva emerges!

August 23, 2009

dark%20helmet2 Ken Silva who is Pastor President, and Pastor Teacher and founder of Apprising Ministries, CRN, and now also is Vice President and Associate Pastor and International Director of  Evangelism Explosion International as well has become a Dr in his spare time, has been able to keep his identity secret on the Internet for many years now.* Though we once thought we caught a glimpse of him, he was gone. Some say he looks sort of like Jon Voight yet these rumors cannot be confirmed or denied. Today, a picture of Ken Silva emerged on the internet which we thing was an evil plot devised by Tony Jones and Doug Pagitt. Fortunately we were able to intercept the picture and distort the image of Ken Silva in his secret lair. Ken, you can thank the ODMafia for keeping you secret identity from being known.

 

* Note there may be more than one Ken Silva listed together at the site linked to above, but Pastor/Leader/President/Teacher/Editor/Chief Editor/Internet Guru/My Affectionate Uncle/My  Mentor/Lord of the Ring/Lord of the Manor/Master of his Domain/Imperial Wizard/Grand Poupon/Master of Disaster/The One that puts the fun in Fundamentalist/Grand Master Discernmentalist/Mentored by Walter Martin by listening to cassette tapes/  is a very busy man so who really knows?


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