Be Rapture-Ready for May 21, 2011!

May 17, 2011

Prepare for May 21st and be Rapture Ready with the Online Discernmentalist Mafia’s handy new RaptureHatch for the roofs of True Churches and the homes of True Regenerate Converts. Doomsday is soon approaching… Don’t get Left Behind with the unregenerate non-Elect heathens… Let John MacArthur confirm you in our Pure Truth War Doctrines and prove that you are indeed Rapture Ready and we’ll install a RaptureHatch on your roof today!

This site (an Online Discernmentalist Mafia partner site) reveals the most complete written, audio, and video Bible teachings which conclusively prove May 21, 2011 to be Judgment Day and The Rapture, and October 21, 2011 to be the end of the world. It is most urgent to examine yourself, whether you are of the Regenerate Elect and therefore are saved.


Love Wins?

March 1, 2011

         

             A Blog Post by some of the Research Robot Monkeys

                          of the Online Discernmentalist Mafia:

Recently the ultra-mega sinfully ecumenical quasi-semi-Pelagian reprobated and heretical Universalist Emergent guru Rob Bell broke into the OD Mafia Headquarters. “Ho ho;” he said, “I’ve got Good News for you today…Love Wins.”

Alarmed by the disturbance our masters and heroes Dr. I . Todyaso, Dr. Truthslayer and Dr. Don Jobson quickly withdrew their weapons. Now brandishing their bullhorns in the manner of Todd Friel—they began to shout down that vile and Wretched sinner Rob Bell. Our heroes the OD Mafia proclaimed the True Gospel—the good news of God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath and commendable hatred towards all those whose doctrines are impure and theology is incorrect.

All Rob Bell could say was “Love Wins…Love Wins…Love Wins…” Suddenly during the chaos Brian D. “amn your soul to hell” McLaren appeared in a mystical mist of confusion and grabbed the noble crew of the Online Discernmentalist Mafia and then disappeared. We haven’t seen or heard from either Dr. I . Todyaso, Dr. Truthslayer or Dr. Don Jobson ever since—although we suspect that those symbols of all that is evil in the world Rob Bell and Brian McLaren are holding them captive. The last thing we saw was Rob Bell driving off in a van laughing and calmly proclaiming that “Love Wins.”

P. S. If you see an Ice Cream Truck disguised as a traveling ministry with “Love Wins” painted on the side, please report the sighting to your nearest local Discernmentalist church.

            A. J. Research Robot Monkeys filling in for the OD Mafia


Jews try to take over Christmas!

December 24, 2010

Jews everywhere are attempting to take over Christmas. The one thing we Christians have most that expresses who we are is Christmas time. We get to show our devotion to Capitalism as well as other love for spelling words by boycotting anyone who uses the word Holiday or the letter X. One way to spot a Jew for Christmas is by looking for anyone who uses blue Christmas lights on their house… if you see this, let them know that they must stop celebrating Christmas immediately as Jesus is not for Jew, they have their own God… we have Jesus.


The Heart Of The Discernmentalist Gospel

November 2, 2010

Most of you are going to hell because you were not specially chosen and frozen like We God’s Truth Biblical Elect (Calvinazis) are—so quake now in mortal fear and terror at the horrors that await ye, reprobates, especially if you are Roman Catholic, Arminian, a Pentecostal tongue-babbler, Emergent, queer or even worse all of the above:

P.S. Hell is a “real place” so We’d hate to be all of you reprobates (non-Calvinazis) on the day that you die so remember We tried to lovingly warn you by the Absolute Truth of our Pure Doctrines which have saved Us from an eternity in flames.

P. P. S. This is also warning to Pastorboy aka (Name withheld upon request) to get back in line with our Pure Doctrines.


ODM Science Lesson # 5

August 12, 2010

 And you thought there  was an end to our science lessons:

P. S. Bible Monkey before you joined us in our Truth War ways we meant this for you—but I guess now we need your help in sending this out to Eugene Peterson. His Message is one of apes and monkeys and New Age Spirituality.


McCarthy Ministries Puts Bible Monkey On Watchlist

July 29, 2010

McCarthy Ministries has done it again. They’ve caught Bible Monkey  in the midst of “Pinkness” which is practically Red for all of our paranoid purposes. McCarthy Ministries has also drawn up a list of character traits to be suspect of:


Our American Gospel Pledge

July 27, 2010

[ from the “US Christian Flag” designer’s website ]

YOU are the USA Regiment, Army of God.  THIS IS HIS LAND & YOU ARE HIS PEOPLE –raise your flag!  CHRISTIAN AMERICANS, BAND TOGETHER!

“The Pledge of Allegiance  

I pledge allegiance, to the Christian Flag,

of the United States of America,

and to the Lord, who made us great and free.

I purpose, to band together, with all believers,

to protect the truth and liberty of God.

June 13, 2005  Please note:   there is clearly confusion among many.  This pledge, flag, and its mission is not to replace our government pledge OR Old Glory.  We are NOT trying to overthrow our government or force anyone to be a Christian.   We are, however, honoring our LORD and protecting our Christian heritage and liberties.  We are allowed to do that under our Constitution.   The State cannot dictate to our church that we may not. When that day ever comes, You and I will all be in a desperate condition.  May we please agree upon that much?” —-H/T:   http://www.talk2action.org/story/2006/5/11/151212/239 .

P. S. Act now and recieve our Flag free with the purchase of 1 1611 King James Bible the Authorized American Version.


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