They developed these techn0logies with one single purpose in mind: to liquidate those evil grace-hating man-loving free-will worshiping Pelagian Popish-Pagans: the Armenians. Since long time true believers in the Only True and Correct Doctrines of Grace aka TULIP have been trying to rid the world of the imputent plague known as Armenianism.
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We bought several copies of this classic masterwork and are now halfway through with building our own Nuclear Power-plant and several Doomsday Death Devices and other Weapons of “Papalist” Mass Destruction to aid our fellow Discernmentalists in our 2012 Doomsday/Armageddon Plans; to help power-up our Rapture machines and to help us to profit off of all the non-elect unregenerate reprobate Postmodern emergent heathens and other unsaved pagans Left Behind; and also to help us to destroy the Semi-Pelagees (Armenianists and Romanists) once and for all!
Talk about humanistic arrogance and pride! Porn-Surfer not only seems to be all about lust but also promotes a man-centered; God-hating; ear-tickling; grace-hating man-loving Semi-Pelagian Arminianist worldview. (And we all know where the heresy of Arminianism came from as it was the false gospel of Satan from the Garden as Arminianism is the root of all evil—not only that Arminianism leads back to it’s equally heretical forerunner: Romanism and Popery)! An example of the Arminianist bent of this movie is how Bethany’s “passion for surfing” supercedes her need for a Savior such as how she always fulfills the selfish desires of her sinful flesh first before even giving a thought to pleasing her Absolute Sovereign Savior.
Discernmentalists, we are under direct attack on a daily basis. We need to rally to arms and put on the aggressive defense. Just last month Brian McLaren directly assaulted Uncle Ken Silva and Aunt Ingrid Schlueter of Slice Of Laodicea. Ingrid was caught yelling in a headlock:
What an appallingly dishonest way to deal with your critics, McLaren.
which inspired her to write this scathing critique of her ordeal:
Emergent author Brian McLaren doesn’t believe in a literal Second Coming of Jesus. He has problems with the penal substitutionary atonement of Jesus on the cross. A literal hell with eternal torment for those who reject Christ? Not likely. The Genesis account of the fall of man? Not true. But instead of addressing his own spiritual rebellion, Brian appears to want to paint his critics as bigots. In a recent blog post, McLaren demands that what he calls “discernment websites” (he used the quote marks) address an African country’s attempts to codify severe penalties for homosexuality into law. He seems to imply that these same “discernment ministries” would automatically support the arrest and execution of gays by Uganda.
For the record, Brian, that’s a pretty nasty strategy to use against those who point to your heretical doctrinal views. While emergents supposedly are intellectual, open-minded people who enjoy conversations with subtle nuances and lots of mystery, McLaren actually sees things in black and white. Anyone who is not willing to jettison cardinal doctrine and embrace his “new kind of Christianity” is painted as ready to commit hate crimes and would support mistreating gays. What an appallingly dishonest way to deal with your critics, McLaren.
Ken was found wounded in the fray but not hurt. We asked him for comment and all he could murmur was:
It’s interesting this “minister” would place quotations around “discernment websites.” Well, as one of said sites, I can tell McLaren that I personally do not at all “enjoy featuring and critiquing the work” of any of these postliberal rebels against the final authority of God’s Word. The Lord knows that I’d much rather go back to apologetics and evangelizing those lost in the kingdom of the cults.
THE Editors note: We would like to introduce a new writer here at the Online Discernmentalist Mafia. His name is TruthSlayer and I am amazed at his discernmentalist skills.
Several apologetic discernment ministries have reported a major fracture in the Emerging Church movement. Thankfully, SoL, Take A Stand Ministries, Herescope and Apprising Ministries have all reported a huge rift that occurred last Tuesday morning within the Emerging church movement. Dan Kimball a major proponent of Emerging noted that his hair is succeeded from his head. He would not comment any further
Another unnamed ministry was able to interview Kimball’s hair. Reports so far note that his hair had moved onto a more bible-hair based ministry. Kimball’s hair was reported to have had enough of the “greased back” programs and would like to let his hair down. The unnamed ministry learned that Dan Kimball was in fact not bible based…as a matter of fact his hair was quoted as saying “Dan did not even have a house built out of bibles….instead it was built out of secular brick and mortar” Hair went on to say “I was so uncomfortable in a non-bible based home.” As a matter of fact other shocking elements to the story persist that Dan only had 6 bibles in his household, and he had a subscription to Christianity Today…and applying our Discernmentalist Tools we know that Today is shockingly close to the word GAY.
Here is picture of what you will find at an emerging church service!
One of my sources as revealed that the emerging church is tied to the recent gay porn murder case. In the recent article the title revealed to my discernmentalist eye the connection.
“On the hard drive they found a photograph of a man… “
It goes on to state that these emerging people
“…were charged in Virginia with racketeering, conspiracy to launder money and conspiracy to receive money from the earnings of prostitution.”
This is why we need to promote more War and less Love. These emergents are such vile and disgusting people that would even show up on sites like this and be promoted by “murdering gay porn producers”. What is next married sex on stage instead of a sermon? Like Ingrid I give it 5 years.
You all should thank God for this site and sites like CRN’s great and important research such as this article!
Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom,
I. Todyaso
Other “well researched” articles just like this one!
We here at the Online Discernmentalist Mafia see a parallel with Starbucks shutting down for three hours to re-train its employees, with the emergent/seeker movement in the church.Starbucks feels like it is losing its way, while we know that the emergent church has already lost its way.Starbucks is worried about the competition of McDonald’s and Dunkin Donuts, while the emergent church is worried about being part of the post-modern culture.Starbucks started serving breakfast and accommodating everyone, while the emerging church takes in everyone,while they are still sinning.
We here will not take three hours of to re-train, since we need no re-training.God has given us everything we need in the form of inerrant scripture that has been validated by various people including Ken Silva, John MacArthur, and the pyro-guys.Paul told us to pray without ceasing and that doesn’t mean to take three hours off, like the emergent church guys would do.We will stand on the street corners and preach how everyone who hears us is a sinner, especially those who would “call” themselves Christians, for they are the worst, and we won’t take three hours off.We will work the Way of the Master formula to perfection since it is the only approved way of evangelism and is taken straight from the approved versions of the most inerrant scriptures.We will not take three hours off.We have TRUTH on our side and so we can’t lose.Let those emergent “churches” take time off to train and learn new things, let them do new sermon series, let them have Starbucks coffee in their church, and let God rain down his fire to those wolves in sheep’s clothing.I don’t want to be anywhere around when God’s wrath comes down on those sinners, who think they are fine because they love everyone and follow Christ’s example, in the form of fire and sulfur.Many churches will be in flames on that day and pillars of salt will litter the landscape as these “Christians” look back on their homosexually loving churches.
We will not take three hours off because God shines his light on the defenders of his TRUTH, which could be compromised if we take three hours off.
May the peace of Christ be with you, and all who think like me.
How dare people not listen to this true “man of God!” May God curse all those man based Gospel teachers. Can’t you see the effectiveness of this great preaching! “God will be loving you when you are in Hell my friend!” Yes! Great preaching!
I hope this is not the new trend from CRN as they have been in the front line of the “Truth War” protecting God and His Truth from mere men who if we are not careful could destroy the Church as we have had it passed down to us from the great Reformers of Old!
Before you get all bent out of shape, please realize this is a satire site spoofing the so-called "discernment ministries" who deem themselves more worthy of Grace than the rest of us. So read and have fun! BTW, we are not against "good" discernment ministries that do actual real research and extend grace to others, only the bad ones.
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