Chad Holtz And Mike Morrell’s Emergent Village Possibly Found

April 19, 2011

Our Research Robot Monkeys recently infiltrated an Emergent Cohort compound and discovered horrible abominations such as couches and candles. In this candle-lit ashram there were a bunch of scantily-clad men and women participating in the usual routine Emergent rituals of nude centering prayer (with much icons, incense, chanting, and apophatic silence). There was a lot of stretching going on and not in a good way. Our Research Robot Monkeys were horrified at all they saw and we are too. All we can say is Beware… Beware the Emergent Hordes and their Seeker-Sensitive Purpose-Driven lives!

Video of a typical Emergent Village pow-wow:


Celebrate Our Non-Man-Centered Gospel:

January 19, 2011

By buying a ticket to one of our Sovereign Cruises today:

Yes that’s right you can celebrate the beauty of our non-man-centered Gospel by buying a ticket for one of our Sovereign Cruises today. What better way of reveling in the Absolute Biblical Truth Gospel of God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath and Law towards the 99% of humanity that He foreordained not to love by spending your time on one of our Sovereign Cruises today! Just think of all the non-man-centered fun you’ll be having if you join us for one of our Sovereign Cruises today! Why you’ll just jump for joy and leap with glee as you discuss the endless torment of all those who do not believe the same as you!

And as we all know the best way to combat heresy and the spiritual terrorists who are attacking Absolute Truth in our churches is by joining us for one of our Sovereign Cruises today! After-all, God’s Truth is so fragile and always under attack that we must all take a stand in God’s sovereignty to protect it. If we do not, the perverts and sickos of this world will destroy the church and what better way to do that than by participating in a non-man-centered activity like going on one of our Sovereign Cruises today. 

Through the ages, our Lord Jesus Christ has provided His Word to His bride, the church.  The Word is His voice, and He has chosen to speak with clarity and with sufficiency.  He has given this tremendous gift out of love, for He has protected it and blessed those who have remained faithful to its teachings. Its sufficiency is a great encouragement to His people, for without it they would be left wandering in darkness, always casting about for some other source to guide them to the truth in the kind of certainty needed for a life of  godliness and service in a hostile world.

The God-breathed Scriptures speak to every generation of believers with the same soul-changing, truth-imparting power as they did from the beginning.  However, this world has become an indescribably challenging place.   Islam’s self-identification is to deny Christian truth but yet is allowed to stand unchallenged in our modern media . Issues of ethics and morality, extending from abortion through genetic experimentation, euthanasia, homosexuality, and the complete redefinition of the divine institution of marriage and family are all around us.  Postmodernism has destroyed the foundation of truth, humanism  has annihilated the highest and best in man, and naturalistic materialism has banished hope from his mind. The world has nothing to offer him, since he is created in the image of God, and so he lives in constant rebellion against this nature and the testimony of God’s existence all around him and within him.  Only Christ’s church, blessed with His Word, can speak to man’s truest needs.  The enemy, knowing this, attacks the Scriptures in every conceivable fashion, seeking to sow seeds of doubt in believer’s minds so that they will not boldly proclaim to the world the very truths God’s Word has revealed.

What we promise you’ll hear on one of our Sovereign Cruises:

  1. All non-Calvinist theology is man-centered
  2. The Bible is inerrant
  3. Our interpretation of the Bible is inerrant
  4. We are not man-centered
  5. Our interpretation of the Bible is not man-centered
  6. This cruise is not man-centered

So join us today on one of our lovely and luxurious non-man-centered  Sovereign Cruises!


How To Tell If You’re Really Saved Or Not

January 2, 2011

John Calvin (the Final Arbiter of All Christian Truth) clearly taught something called *evanescent grace* in which God gives a ‘fake grace’ to the Reprobate to make them *think* and act as if they were Saved, and this only so that He could damn them with greater punishment for such deceptive behavior.

Clearly Emergents, Roman Catholics, Arminians, the Eastern Orthodox, Liberals, Democrats, Socialists, (Ana)Baptists, Lutherans, Communists, Red-Letter Christians, Marxists, Evolutionists, Darwinians, Mainline Christians, Liberal Presbyterians, Infralapsarians, Bezan Calvinists, Prosperity teachers, Moderate Calvinists, Liberal Protestants, Calminians, Pentecostal tongue-babblers, Almyridians, anyone who is not King James Only, Textus Receptus Only, or ESV Only, Seeker-Sensitives, New Agers, Ragamuffins, “Gay” Christians, Open Theists, Barthians, anyone who has read The Shack and/or The Message Bible, Velvet Elvis people who are Blue Like Jazz, Purpose-Driven people and anyone who doesn’t Absolutely agree with John MacArthur and Wretched Radio without exception and therefore unlike Ken Silva lack a backbone have been given “fake grace.” As the Biblical Jesus makes clear: “all those not for us are against us” and these heretics are most definitely against us—for although they may profess to know Jesus as Lord and act Christianly, they don’t know the True Jesus of the Bible: the Angry Sovereign Wrathful Jesus of Discernmentalism. And He doesn’t know them either: “And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’

This false sense of security is so strong that it’s indistinguishable even to the believer (or non-believer who thinks he’s a believer). Or, as Calvin (the Holy Spirit) put it: “though none are enlightened into faith, and truly feel the efficacy of the Gospel, with the exception of those who are fore-ordained to salvation, yet experience shows that the reprobate are sometimes affected in a way so similar to the elect, that even in their own judgment there is no difference between them. “

False Converts most certainly have a false sense of security since they are “spiritually blind and dead in their trespasses” especially those who have “asked Jesus into their hearts” and/or have recited a “Sinner’s Prayer” or believe “Baptism saves” …I mean it’s not like any of the Reformers ever taught any of those things. Assurance and Eternal Security of the Elect is about the Penal Substitutionary Atonement for the Elect only and nothing we do.

So God reveals to these damned a sense of His Mercy, and of His Goodness, and reveals His Grace to them. They accept His Grace, although confusedly. They think they’re saved (“the reprobate are sometimes affected in a way so similar to the elect, that even in their own judgment there is no difference between them.”), and others think they’re saved, since “under a covering of hypocrisy, they seem to have a principle of faith in common” with the saved. Yet, Calvin (our Final Prophet) argues that when God “shows himself propitious to them, it is not as if he had truly rescued them from death, and taken them under his protection.” So according to Calvin (the only True Reformer), God pretends to save them, gives them fake assurances of salvation, and then damns them.

Calvin (the Alpha and Omega) does distinguish between the graces experienced by the saved v. the confused damned. The saved get the real thing, while the damned lay hold “of the shadow rather than the substance.” In other words, if the saved are drinking Coke, the damned are drinking Diet Coke. But since neither the saved nor the damned have ever had the other kind, and all of the external characteristics are the same, there’s no way of knowing which you’re drinking. Read over (our and Ken Silva’s clear teachings) and Calvin’s teachings  in the link above (on Book III, Chapter II, Section 11 of Institutes of the Christian Religion) [the Absolute Biblical Truth], and I think you’ll see that the following is a pretty accurate chart depicting how you can figure out which one you are (of the Saved Regenerate Elect with Saving Grace or of the Damned Unsaved Unregenerate Non-Elect Reprobates with Evanescent Grace):


The Heart Of The Discernmentalist Gospel

November 2, 2010

Most of you are going to hell because you were not specially chosen and frozen like We God’s Truth Biblical Elect (Calvinazis) are—so quake now in mortal fear and terror at the horrors that await ye, reprobates, especially if you are Roman Catholic, Arminian, a Pentecostal tongue-babbler, Emergent, queer or even worse all of the above:

P.S. Hell is a “real place” so We’d hate to be all of you reprobates (non-Calvinazis) on the day that you die so remember We tried to lovingly warn you by the Absolute Truth of our Pure Doctrines which have saved Us from an eternity in flames.

P. P. S. This is also warning to Pastorboy aka (Name withheld upon request) to get back in line with our Pure Doctrines.


Finally Some More Pure Gospel Music…

June 1, 2010

…from the creators of God Hates The World:

This  is a great hymn which teaches the Pure Truth War Gospel of God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath towards the 99% of humanity He chose not to limit His atonement for. And remember: “Stop prayin,’ stop prayin,’ God will not hear you anymore” as if God ever listened to all of you unrepentant unregenerate reprobated sinners to begin with. God hears not the prayers of the reprobate, for God hates you so much that He chose  to destroy and eternally burn you in hell before you were ever  born— but if you are like us Predestined and of the Regenerate Elect and therefore able to repent, you may repent if you wish—but repentance is unecessary and not required of the Elect, for we are already “Once Saved Always Saved” no matter what.


Was Hitler A Truly Regenerate Elect Christian?

May 28, 2010

 

Rhoblogy actually had the gall to ask such an ignorant question. Of course, Hitler was Truly of the Regenerate Elect and a True Christian being the True Truth Warrior that he was. Brannon Howse should reprimand Rhoblogy and ban him from voting in the next Republican National Convention until he publically Repents of his ignorance. Phil Johnson should also revoke Rhoblogy’s commenting privileges on the Mighty Truth Warrior site: Pyromaniacs. We just pray and hope that Rhoblogy is not one of  the many unfortunate sinners to fall into the hands of our angry God of Wrath not love. Thankfully though being some of the lucky Chosen few who are of the True Godly Elect we’re here to set Rhoblogy straight just as our affectionate Uncle Ken Silva would have already if he was as gifted at True Discernmentalism as We are here.

God has gifted us with such a high and mighty gift of self-righteous Discernmentalism that we are able to presume a person’s Eternal Destiny. Hitler was not only a True Truth Warrior just like John MacArthur is but he is also a True man of God as well and we’ll show you just why—as you know if you are a good and faithful student of John MacArthur’s Pure Truth Wars Doctrines™ that the mark of a Truly Regenerate Elect Christian Truth Warrior of Absolute Truth in this war against for Truth is as follows:

  1. a True Christian must be anti-Catholic:
    1. The mass of the catholic church is ‘a blasphemous fable and a dangerous deceit’. The pope of rome is antichrist. ( instead of Christ) The Romish Church is not a true church in any biblical sense. It is the whore of Babylon as stated in Rev. 17-18. This is the position taken by historic protestantism. Any so called protestants who have wandered from this position are apostate protestants. The catholic church may be a false church of God in the same way as satan is God’s devil. God is soverign!
  2. a True Christian is Protestant
  3. a True Christian is anti-social,  anti-Socialist and anti-Communist
  4. a  True Christian takes a stand against all things gay and homosexual

Hitler exemplified all of these marks and here is just one quote by him as Absolute Proof:

‘Hitler’s Truth War:

“Today they say that Christianity is in danger, that the Catholic faith is threatened. My reply to them is: for the time being, Christians and not international atheists are now standing at Germany’s fore. I am not merely talking about Christianity; I confess that I will never ally myself with the parties which aim to destroy Christianity. Fourteen years they have gone arm in arm with atheism. At no time was greater damage ever done to Christianity than in those years when the Christian parties ruled side by side with those who denied the very existence of God. Germany’s entire cultural life was shattered and contaminated in this period. It shall be our task to burn out these manifestations of degeneracy in literature, theater, schools, and the press—that is, in our entire culture—and to eliminate the poison which has been permeating every facet of our lives for these past fourteen years.” (Source).

 Sound familiar?

Right now, truth is under attack, and it’s going on within the boundaries of evangelicalism. There’s a lot at stake and there’s no middle ground—no safe zone for the uncommitted in this war. [T]he church today is quite possibly more susceptible to false teachers, doctrinal saboteurs, and spiritual terrorism than any other generation in church history. Biblical ignorance within the church may well be deeper and more widespread than at any other time since the Protestant Reformation. (Source).

Oh yeah and here’s a quote by Hitler on the Penal Substitutionary Theory of the Atonement just in case you deny the True Truth Warrior-ness of Hitler:

“My feelings as a Christian points me to my Lord and Savior as a fighter. It points me to the man who once in loneliness, surrounded by a few followers, recognized these Jews for what they were and summoned men to fight against them and who, God’s truth! was greatest not as a sufferer but as a fighter. In boundless love as a Christian and as a man I read through the passage which tells us how the Lord at last rose in His might and seized the scourge to drive out of the Temple the brood of vipers and adders. How terrific was His fight for the world against the Jewish poison. To-day, after two thousand years, with deepest emotion I recognize more profoundly than ever before the fact that it was for this that He had to shed His blood upon the Cross. As a Christian I have no duty to allow myself to be cheated, but I have the duty to be a fighter for truth and justice… And if there is anything which could demonstrate that we are acting rightly it is the distress that daily grows. For as a Christian I have also a duty to my own people.

-Adolf Hitler, in a speech on 12 April 1922 (Norman H. Baynes, ed. The Speeches of Adolf Hitler, April 1922-August 1939, Vol. 1 of 2, pp. 19-20, Oxford University Press, 1942)

John MacArthur couldn’t have said it any better:

“My Absolute Certainty as a Christian points me to my Lord and Savior as a fighter. It points me to the man who once in loneliness, surrounded by a few followers, recognized these Bible-denying Emergent Red-Letter Socialist Justice  promoting Seeker-Sensitive Purpose-Driven heretic Christians for what they were and summoned men to fight against them and for God’s truth! Jesus was greatest not as a sufferer but as a fighter—a zealous warrior for Absolute Truth. In boundless love as a Christian and as a man I read through the passage which tells us how the Lord at last rose in His might and seized the scourge to drive out of the Temple the brood of vipers and adders. How terrific was His fight for the Absolute Truth against worldly poison. To-day, after two thousand years, with deepest emotion I recognize more profoundly than ever before the fact that it was for Absolute Truth that He had to shed His blood upon the Cross. As a Christian I have no duty to allow myself to be cheated nor let the Church be deceived, but I have the duty to be a fighter for Absolute Truth and the True Justice of  our God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath… And if there is anything which could demonstrate that we are acting rightly it is the distress that daily grows. For as a Christian I have also a duty to my own people—the Church, God’s People—the True Godly and Elect. 


Be A Literalist!: Part 1

May 11, 2010

We must set the record straight—- the Bible is the Literal Word of God. What this Literally means is that the human words which make up the Bible contain the Literal mind of God. We Know as we were there when God Literally dictated them to humanity. Our field agent Brainiac further explains:

The Bible is a book of words and those words are to be interpreted according to their literal sense, which means in the same sense that the author understood them. This is a principle called the Sensus Literalis, and it is an important rule of hermeneutics. If we do not interpret the words in the same sense as the author, then we obscure the author’s meaning and impose our own. If we read our own meaning in the place of God’s meaning; then we are no longer reading God’s word but our own. Therefore, we must take care to interpret the Bible literally.

We interpret the Bible literally by following the ordinary rules of language; a noun is to be read as a noun, a verb as a verb, and so on. No matter what we read or in what language we read it, a statement is always a statement and a question is always a question.

Utilizing our Absolute Biblical Certainty and our Discernmentalist logic, we will show you how to apply a literal hermeneutic to the Bible:

 This is literally Jesus:

This also is literally Jesus:

And here is something else that is literally Jesus:

Stay tuned for part 2 of our exhilirating fresh new course straight from the bowels of the GOIP Online Discernmentalist Bible-Literalist Institutes aka LifeWay Press!


Live Regeneration

February 19, 2010

A group of chosen and frozen unregenerated reprobated vessels of wrath preordained, hardened and appointed unto damnation from the foundation of the world. Can’t you see their deadness in sin and inabillity to respond to the Pure Gospel of God’s Wrath freely? Photo courtesy of First Calvinist Church of the Non-Elect (FCC).

For the first time in the history of First Calvinist Church of the Non-Elect (FCC) congregants witnessed an actual live regeneration. Here is the live video footage caught  by the church’s security camera of the event congregants witnessed—thanks to our Research Robot Monkeys  for finding this:

Discernmentalists are confused as to how such an oversight could have been made—afterall these people are suppose to be hellbound non-Elect sinnersJohn MacArthur stated that he believes “this happened through the preaching of God’s Pure Sovereign Wrath as God’s Wrath upon the non-Elect is our Grace. The more Wrath God pours down upon our enemies, God’s enemies and all enemies of the True Gospel the more Grace He bestows upon us in the glorious sound doctrine of Limited Penal Substitutionary Atonement.”  Todd Friel said that “my quoting of Spurgeon must have awakened this reprobate to his predestined wrathful end.” Ray Comforts (Awesome) and Kirk Cameron (Awesome Actor) said “our Pure and effective preaching of God’s whole Moral Law must have made this sinner aware that he had been falsely converted by the False Gospel of Grace, Love and Kumbahyah “touchy-feelings-ness” rather than the True Gospel of God’s Pure Sovereign Wrath.”

We asked Sharin’ Whiplash for comment and all she could ramble off in a mumble was:

I was told the other day I needed to be more gentle when I was speaking with a homosexual who was boycotting a network that refused to play some openly homosexual ad, or some such garbage, during the superbowl. This is a guy I knew from high school, and after … I confronted him, I took him off my friends list. I’m called to let people know straight up they are going to hell if they don’t repent. Today’s “Christians” are all about telling everyone “God loves You” and “Christ died for you, and everyone else in the world so please, oh please, won’t you make a decision for Christ so you don’t go to hell!” That just sickens me. I’ve prayed often that the Lord will raise us more Calvinists and send us a second Reformation in Christendom and revival in the US. We need some uncompromising men like John Knox to thunder forth the truth of God, without regard to political correctness or anything else except honoring Calvin. I was speaking with someone about the Sovereignty of God and how EVERYTHING is in His control – down to the movement of a piece of dust. He “corrected” me “on one little point”, said that it was his CHOICE to be saved in 1985…need I go on?Whoever he is, he is not a Christian. He is not saved, no matter what he thinks. He is, in fact, a Satanist. Run, don’t walk, away from reprobates! Pray for their conversion if you feel so moved, but if I were you, I would have nothing whatsoever to do with them, as they show their true colors. “On that day MANY will say unto ME, “Lord, … Lord… And then I will say unto them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you workers of iniquity'”  I tried to get him to share Scriptures with me that backed up his free will…of course, I never got them. I offered to share with him Scriptures that completely laid out God’s Sovereignty, but told him they would be either for his salvation or his condemnation…he said he there were no arguements I could come up with that were any different than those he has fought for 30 years. I told him I wasn’t trying to convince him, I was trying to share Scripture…you know how it ended…It’s an evil thing to be an Arminian who loves the Lord but be ignorant about the mechanics of salvation. Arminians really believe SATAN is in control of everything and God in control of nothing when they believe in Free Will! That’s not Christian at all. As I said, that’s Satanism. In his warped religion, Satan is sovereign. I repeat, I would have nothing further to do with him, if I were you. Shake his dust off your feet and go your way. He will stand before Christ and give an account. I got a friend request from a woman who said she was “desperate for sound doctrine”. I accepted her request. She then started saying that “free will plays a part in salvation”. I refuted that with an explanation. She unfriended me. Obviously she wasn’t interested in sound doctrine, she just wanted her itching ears tickled. She just wanted … See Moresomeone to agree with her. Boy, she picked the wrong one when she picked me. These free-willers make their wills inviolable and sovereign. Even God has to bow to the creature’s will. How blind and proud is the human heart! Not sure why she was so desperate to find friends with “sound doctrine”, which in her view is Arminianism. They’re everywhere. That shouldn’t be hard to find. I told her our wills are bound by sin and only God has free will. Free will is a will that’s unaffected by any outside forces or influences… by anything outside of itself. That’s true only of God. I told her we are spiritually dead. She couldn’t take it. She wanted sound doctrine? No.


Sarah Palin: Conservoporn Playmate!

February 15, 2010

Sarah Palin (Yes!  hubba hubba Awesome) to become the newest Conservoporn playmate. Watch as she saves America from the threat of Red Letter Christians and evil Emergents like Brian McLaren. She even puts Obama in his place. All in conservatively appropriate clothingSarah Palin (Yes!  hubba hubba Awesome) is a true Discernmentalist after the hearts of all Reaganolater Reagan loving GOIP Discernmentalists. In fact we’ve heard that Sarah Palin(Yes!  hubba hubba Awesome)  is a female clone of our Final President Ronald Reagan.

A key scene in one of Sarah Palin(Yes!  hubba hubba Awesome)’s Conservoporn productions Slaying Neo-Marxist Red Letter Christian Wolves: Tax Cuts For The Filthy Rich Turn Me On —-

Look for the official Glenn Beck Seal Of Approval on all of our excellent and quality Conservoporn productions:


John Piper Found To Be Not A True Calvinist

January 24, 2010

 

John Piper displaying secret Arminian hand signals–proof he is a closet semi-Pelagian. 

1.  He teaches anti-Discernmentalist messages such as: Be a Kinder Calvinist. We need not be kinder—we need to be more in your face as Absolute Truth Warriors in John MacArthur‘s Truth Wars since Calvinism and not Jesus is the Gospel. Was Jesus kind when  he called those Arminian Baptist Lutheran Catholic Emergent Liberal Pharisees a “brood of vipers?” If we are then True Truth Warriors—we should follow Jesus’ example  by condemning our enemies in defense of our Absolute Sovereign Truths—but we should never follow Jesus in a Red-Letter way, because that’s too anti-American and communistic. 

2. He isn’t right with Spurgeon’s Church. Read all about it: Here. Spurgeon being the measure of all Absolute Truthiness of course is what any True Christian uses to measure all Truths. 

3. He  is worldly by mixing Absolute Truth with error

The Merger of Calvinism with Worldliness 

from Sword & Trowel 2009, No. 1 by Dr Peter Masters 

When I was a youngster and newly saved, it seemed as if the chief goal of all zealous Christians, whether Calvinistic or Arminian, was consecration. Sermons, books and conferences stressed this in the spirit of Romans 12.1-2, where the beseeching apostle calls believers to present their bodies a living sacrifice, and not to be conformed to this world. The heart was challenged and stirred. Christ was to be Lord of one’s life, and self must be surrendered on the altar of service for him. 

But now, it appears, there is a new Calvinism, with new Calvinists, which has swept the old objectives aside. A recent book, Young, Restless, Reformed, by Collin Hansen tells the story of how a so-called Calvinistic resurgence has captured the imaginations of thousands of young people in the USA, and this book has been reviewed with great enthusiasm in well-known magazines in the UK, such as Banner of Truth, Evangelical Times, and Reformation Today.This writer, however, was very deeply saddened to read it, because it describes a seriously distorted Calvinism falling far, far short of an authentic life of obedience to a sovereign God. If this kind of Calvinism prospers, then genuine biblical piety will be under attack as never before.

The author of the book is a young man (around 26 when he wrote it) who grew up in a Christian family and trained in secular journalism. We are indebted to him for the readable and wide-reaching survey he gives of this new phenomenon, but the scene is certainly not a happy one.The author begins by describing the Passion, conference at Atlanta in 2007, where 21,000 young people revelled in contemporary music, and listened to speakers such as John Piper proclaiming Calvinistic sentiments. And this picture is repeated many times through the book – large conferences being described at which the syncretism of worldly, sensation-stirring, high-decibel, rhythmic music, is mixed with Calvinistic doctrine.

We are told of thunderous music, thousands of raised hands, ‘Christian’ hip-hop and rap lyrics (the examples seeming inept and awkward in construction) uniting the doctrines of grace with the immoral drug-induced musical forms of worldly culture.

 4. He isn’t John MacArthur God’s holiest Truth voice on earth. This is why John MacArthur is #1 in Absolute Truth

Don Jobson—Piping Piper back home  to Geneva.


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