The Discernmentalist War On Christ-Mass!

November 25, 2011

NEW CANEY, Texas — Dry, brown grass crunches underfoot as David Barfield walks through his 45-acre Christmas tree farm pointing at evergreens covered with brittle, rust-colored needles.
“Dead tree, dead tree, dead tree,” he says, shaking his head at dry timber he hoped would be chopped down by parents with excited children.
Boo freaking who!… God hates that evil Satanic pagan man-glorifying semi-Pelagian Roman-Arminian self-exalting unbiblical Holy Day Christ-Mass anyways. We know so. Glory be to our Angry God for pouring out His Sovereign Wrath through a drought against the hordes of Satanic Babylonian Pagan X-mas trees.

I would to God that every holy day (including Christmas – ed.) whatsoever besides the Lord’s day were abolished. That zeal which brought them first in, was without all warrant of the Word, and merely followed corrupt reason, forsooth to drive out the holy days of the pagans, as one nail drives out another. Those holy days have been so tainted with superstitions that I wonder we tremble not at their very names.” – Martin Bucer, cited in William Ames, A Fresh Suit Against Human Ceremonies in God’s Worship (1633), pp. 359-60.

“And next in particular, concerning festival days findeth that in the explication of the first head of the first book of discipline it was thought good that the feasts of Christmas, Circumcision, Epiphany, with the feasts of the Apostles, Martyrs, and Virgin Mary be utterly abolished because they are neither commanded nor warranted by Scripture and that such as observe them be punished by Civil Magistrates. Here utter abolition is craved and not reformation of abuses only and that because the observation of such feasts have no warrant from the word of God.” – The Acts of the General Assemblies of the Church of Scotland, December 10, Session 17, 1638, pp. 37-38

Remember also these immortal words from Sharon M. Whitley: “Btw, if you want to see a large, lavish Christmas display in a mall… go to Dubai in the UAE! Many countries that are not Christian celebrate this holiday. That right there should tell Christians it’s not of God!”

P. S. Please don’t forget to celebrate the Holy Discernmentalist Holidays of Thanksgiving and Calvin’s Birthday in your churches and everywhere because these are not man-exalting semi-Pelagian Pagan Romanist made-up Holy Days invented by humans but Absolute Truth Biblical holidays commanded by God to be observed in the inerrant infallible Holy Discernmentalist Bible.


Most Heretical Places On Earth

December 16, 2010

TOP NEWSPIN- In a recent polling undertaken by Top Discernmentalists, discernmentalists from around the globe have voted on the Most Heretical Places On Earth. In a surprise ruling Canada and California dropped to the 4th and 5th position (respectively) in the poll. Here is the official listing of the Top 5 Most Heretical Places On Earth:

  1. Armenia: full of man-loving Grace-hating semi-Pelagian Mary-worshiping Papal idolatry celebrating Roman Arminianists; a road straight to Rome; none who live here have any hope of salvation; all are unsaved non-Elect reprobates
  2. Montana: the Montanist state nough said! The heretic named Iggy lives here.
  3. Germany: birthplace of Lutheranism; untouched by the Protestant Reformation; spiritually dead*
  4. Canada: or Canuckistan is a communist country; full of drug addicts, pacifists and queers; produces sin-promoting television shows
  5. California: too liberal; clone of Canada; full of fornicators; other reasons 

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*- Further Reading: Truly Reformed; Lutherans not Truly Reformed; Dortian Calvinism Truly Reformed


Martin Luther Secretly Muslim

January 26, 2010

We have Absolute Proof! Our Research Robot Monkeys have come upon this startling revelation of Luther’s Closeted Islamic beliefs:

 From this book, accordingly, we see that the religion of the Turks or Muhammad is far more splendid in ceremonies—and, I might almost say, in customs—than ours, even including that of the religious or all the clerics. The modesty and simplic-ity of their food, clothing, dwellings, and everything else, as well as the fasts, pray-ers, and common gatherings of the people that this book reveals are nowhere seen among us—or rather it is impossible for our people to be persuaded to them. Fur-thermore, which of our monks, …Martin Luther 

Therefore the Lutheran Reformation was secretly created by Muslims—no wonder some believe Luther was not as Reformed and Protestant as Calvin. * (Although some of our Research Robot Monkey Spies came upon this quote by Calvin:

No man is excluded from calling upon God, the gate of salvation is set open unto all men: neither is there any other thing which keepeth us back from entering in, save only our own unbelief. —John Calvin

So perhaps Calvin isn’t as Reformed and Protestant as Spurgeon or John MacArthur).

Hopefully Ken Silva will call Chris Rosebrough and Ingrid Shuelter  to repent of their Lutheran-Islamism and also for Pastorboy aka (Name withheld upon request) to remove his picture of the Muslim Lutheran leader Martin Luther from the header of his blog.

Don Jobson—fibbing proclaiming the Truth.


John Piper Found To Be Not A True Calvinist

January 24, 2010

 

John Piper displaying secret Arminian hand signals–proof he is a closet semi-Pelagian. 

1.  He teaches anti-Discernmentalist messages such as: Be a Kinder Calvinist. We need not be kinder—we need to be more in your face as Absolute Truth Warriors in John MacArthur‘s Truth Wars since Calvinism and not Jesus is the Gospel. Was Jesus kind when  he called those Arminian Baptist Lutheran Catholic Emergent Liberal Pharisees a “brood of vipers?” If we are then True Truth Warriors—we should follow Jesus’ example  by condemning our enemies in defense of our Absolute Sovereign Truths—but we should never follow Jesus in a Red-Letter way, because that’s too anti-American and communistic. 

2. He isn’t right with Spurgeon’s Church. Read all about it: Here. Spurgeon being the measure of all Absolute Truthiness of course is what any True Christian uses to measure all Truths. 

3. He  is worldly by mixing Absolute Truth with error

The Merger of Calvinism with Worldliness 

from Sword & Trowel 2009, No. 1 by Dr Peter Masters 

When I was a youngster and newly saved, it seemed as if the chief goal of all zealous Christians, whether Calvinistic or Arminian, was consecration. Sermons, books and conferences stressed this in the spirit of Romans 12.1-2, where the beseeching apostle calls believers to present their bodies a living sacrifice, and not to be conformed to this world. The heart was challenged and stirred. Christ was to be Lord of one’s life, and self must be surrendered on the altar of service for him. 

But now, it appears, there is a new Calvinism, with new Calvinists, which has swept the old objectives aside. A recent book, Young, Restless, Reformed, by Collin Hansen tells the story of how a so-called Calvinistic resurgence has captured the imaginations of thousands of young people in the USA, and this book has been reviewed with great enthusiasm in well-known magazines in the UK, such as Banner of Truth, Evangelical Times, and Reformation Today.This writer, however, was very deeply saddened to read it, because it describes a seriously distorted Calvinism falling far, far short of an authentic life of obedience to a sovereign God. If this kind of Calvinism prospers, then genuine biblical piety will be under attack as never before.

The author of the book is a young man (around 26 when he wrote it) who grew up in a Christian family and trained in secular journalism. We are indebted to him for the readable and wide-reaching survey he gives of this new phenomenon, but the scene is certainly not a happy one.The author begins by describing the Passion, conference at Atlanta in 2007, where 21,000 young people revelled in contemporary music, and listened to speakers such as John Piper proclaiming Calvinistic sentiments. And this picture is repeated many times through the book – large conferences being described at which the syncretism of worldly, sensation-stirring, high-decibel, rhythmic music, is mixed with Calvinistic doctrine.

We are told of thunderous music, thousands of raised hands, ‘Christian’ hip-hop and rap lyrics (the examples seeming inept and awkward in construction) uniting the doctrines of grace with the immoral drug-induced musical forms of worldly culture.

 4. He isn’t John MacArthur God’s holiest Truth voice on earth. This is why John MacArthur is #1 in Absolute Truth

Don Jobson—Piping Piper back home  to Geneva.


Slice of Laodicea purchases truth grinder

January 14, 2010

ODMafia Research and Design have come through again, this time selling Slice of Laodicea (a stalwart discernmentalist ministry – yet so humble they deny the label!!!!) a brand new truth grinder. The truth grinder is a carefully crafted device, upgraded from the older version truth grinder 1.0. The device is made up of several 30 ton, metallic wheels. When truth is inserted, the multi-ton wheels begin to grind, turn and twist until truth is pulverized. Truth is reconstituted in Slice of Laodicea’s own image. Rumours about that Lighthouse Trails, Herescope, Eric Barger’s Take a Stand Ministries, Apprising Ministries purchasing the upgrades are bound to be true.

Just think of this as a new spin on the same old crap!

The Truth Grinder is Dr. Truthslayer approved and designed!


Help Us Fight The Red Menace!

January 12, 2010

Dear Dr. Jobson,

I want to know how I can help fight the Red Menace. I am sick of all these Red-Letter Christians trying to force me into charitable causes and handing over my hard-earned money that I worked for myself to help them alleviate poverty. I believe as the Bible plainly teaches that if the poor lazy bums of the world were intended to have money that God would have predestined them to be Elect, rich and Republican from the foundation of the world. Afterall, John 12:8 states: “For the poor always ye have with you.”

Sincerely,

Rich White Scrooge, born Elect Republican.

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Dear Mr. Scrooge,

You are Absolutely Right—Red-Letter Christians are a menace to society. The nerve of some Christians exalting Jesus above Paul’s words as the  late GOIP  Discernmentalist Dr. D. James Kennedy use to say: “Christianity is not based on the teachings of Jesus.” We suggest that you help us Truth Warriors out by buying Jan Markell‘s “Truth Dollars” to aid in the fight against the Red Menace. Each “Truth Dollar” helps to support impoverished Truth Warriors on the front-line by equipping them with Absolute Truth facts from Eric Barger’s ONE OF EVERYTHING DISCERNMENTALIST SPECIAL! We hope that we have your support in helping our cause for the non-Jesus centered teaching of Reaganism and the Gospel of God’s wrath against the poor.

Sincerely,

Dr. Don Jobson, swindling, stealing, rallying for the cause of  Absolute Truth.


Top Highlights From The Year-End Discernmentalist Convention For The New Year

January 2, 2010

  1.  

It’s a GOIP  miracle—Sharin’ Whiplash’s (an anti-Christ-Mass and anti-Advent GOIP discernmentalist) face appears on a fern in Dec. of  ’09 which reinforces our anti-CatholicPagan Christmas message and supports our message that:

Christmas should should not be about celebrating the Incarnation of the world’s Savior but should not be about ridiculing and condemning Catholics and  other non-Calvinists and supporting Republican foreign policy, war, torture and capitalist materialist consumerism.

We know that this reaffirms our Discernmentalist Messages of Absolute Truth as Sharin’ Whiplash is a charter member of the Fundamentalist Society 4 Final President Reagan.

  • Sharin’  Whiplash again sharing our Pure Doctrines and our Discernmentalist Messages of Absolute Truth sneaks inside the Vatcave of  Papist Conspiracies to  Eradicate Absolute Truth—while there she attacks the Pope  in an attempt to destroy the Pagan Catholic Christ-Mass and bring about the glorious virtues of the Reganomic-driven GOIP version of Christmas:

2. Miley “the Southern Baptist who is now  an Emergent apostate” Cyrus attacks GOIP parenting.

3.  

Lady Gaga may be the Top Artist of 2009 but God hates her—we are Absolutely Certain of this fact.

4. Former False President Jimmy Carter continues spreading his Neo-Marxism within apostate Baptist churches:

5.  Emergynts continue using their “Seeker-Sensitive” techniques to undermine Absolute Biblical Truth:

This is why we Discernmentalists promise to step-up our efforts in battle because of our commitments to John MacArthur’s Absolute Truth Wars.  Also because Aposate churches are giving us a run for our money in Discernmentalism—here is an example of an apostate Pentecostal tongue-babbler beating us to the punch-line of discernmentalism:

6.  Say Yes to Anti-Catholicism as that is speaking unTruth in hate love to non-apostates:

Say No  to Anti-Calvinism as those who criticize Calvinism are not only truly bigots with their hate speech, they are also anti-God, for Calvinism is the Absolute Truth.

Here again we Discernmentalists must step up the pace in our defenses of the Absolute Truth.

7.  Finally in our Year-End Discernmentalist Convention our friends Ken Silva and Eric Barger reveal our new Free-Marketing campaign for the New Year:


Brian McLaren Directly Assaults Discernmentalists

December 3, 2009

Discernmentalists, we are under direct attack on a daily basis. We need to rally to arms and put on the aggressive defense. Just last month Brian McLaren directly assaulted Uncle Ken Silva and Aunt Ingrid Schlueter of Slice Of  Laodicea. Ingrid was caught yelling in a headlock:

What an appallingly dishonest way to deal with your critics, McLaren.

which  inspired her to write this scathing critique of her ordeal:

Brian McLaren Paints Critics as Gay-Hating Bigots

by Ingrid Schlueter

Emergent author Brian McLaren doesn’t believe in a literal Second Coming of Jesus. He has problems with the penal substitutionary atonement of Jesus on the cross. A literal hell with eternal torment for those who reject Christ? Not likely. The Genesis account of the fall of man? Not true. But instead of addressing his own spiritual rebellion, Brian appears to want to paint his critics as bigots. In a recent blog post, McLaren demands that what he calls “discernment websites” (he used the quote marks) address an African country’s attempts to codify severe penalties for homosexuality into law. He seems to imply that these same “discernment ministries” would automatically support the arrest and execution of gays by Uganda.

For the record, Brian, that’s a pretty nasty strategy to use against those who point to your heretical doctrinal views. While emergents supposedly are intellectual, open-minded people who enjoy conversations with subtle nuances and lots of mystery, McLaren actually sees things in black and white. Anyone who is not willing to jettison cardinal doctrine and embrace his “new kind of Christianity” is painted as ready to commit hate crimes and would support mistreating gays. What an appallingly dishonest way to deal with your critics, McLaren.

Ken was found wounded in the fray but not hurt. We asked him for comment and all he could murmur was:

It’s interesting this “minister” would place quotations around “discernment websites.” Well, as one of said sites, I can tell McLaren that I personally do not at all “enjoy featuring and critiquing the work” of any of these postliberal rebels against the final authority of God’s Word. The Lord knows that I’d much rather go back to apologetics and evangelizing those lost in the kingdom of the cults.

Indeed this is why we must go back on the aggressive defense and never compromise on preaching the whole ‘discernmentalist’ truth to all liberal, apostate, heretics!


Chris Rosebrough: Dirty Mouth? Clean it Up! Updated!

July 7, 2008

Update: We here at the Online Discernmentalist Mafia are proud to say we made a difference. Chris Rosebrough has change the original post from the profanity he used to “jerk”. Thank God for us.

 

Here is the screenshot of his original  post.

I. Todyaso 

 

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Laodiceans,

Recently we were overjoyed that Uber-ODM, mentor, and all around nice gal, Ingrid, from Slice of Laodicea returned to the ranks of the Sanctified and Perfected and called down the wrath of God on all who thought George Carlin was an evil, dirty-mouthed, lying, going to hell, not made in the image of God reprobate. She wrote:

Yesterday I wrote about the passing of George Carlin and his legacy of mainstreaming a lot of moral filth. My critics claimed that I only saw him as a cultural war enemy and that I was too harsh and too outspoken about his gutter humor.

She also wrote:

It is singularly fitting that what passes for Christianity today would celebrate the life and comedic routines of George Carlin. In fact, based on the language and spirit of much in the purportedly Christian blog world today, I would say that there is no better representative icon of post-Christian Christianity than George Carlin.

We here at ODM agree. Kudos to Ingrid for having the courage to point out that George Carlin was a destructive force and that Christians ought not to have ever laughed at him or his jokes. Now let’s see her take her courage one step more.

I am sad to report that the trend of Christians using the potty-mouthed humor of secular jokers has reared its ugly head again. This time from respected ODM and Extreme Theologian Chris Rosebrough. Here’s the direct quote from his blog, Extreme Theology:

Bill Cosby tells a story about a friend who tried to convince him to try cocaine by claiming that it enhances one’s personality. Cosby’s retort was classic. He asked, “Yeah, but what if you’re an ass****?”

I think the same principle applies to being “Purpose-Driven” and “finding your purpose”.

 

I cannot tell you had saddened I am by this development. Chris Rosebrough has long been a respected member of the ODM community, but he evidently did not get the memo on this one: We ODM’s are opposing all things secular, all things comedy, all things laughter, all things fun and all things filthy-language oriented. You have got to be kidding me Chris!?! I am shocked and ashamed.

Well, here’s hoping that super-gal Ingrid will demonstrate the same courage on this one that she did against that heretic imonk and the backslidden boys of CRN.info. I know I am going to be hitting Slice quite a lot in the next day or so hoping to see if she blogs against this foul-mouthed, potty-mouthed, filthy-mouthed joke of an ODM.

Wake up people! Can’t you see there’s a war going on all around us? We don’t need the George Carlin’s and Bill Cosby’s of this world to make our theological points!!! Chris, by posting this line from Cosby you have totally undermined any authority or respect you may have once had. You need to get repenting.

I write because I care. I am always struggling for you in Laodicea because I love you. To paraphrase the words of our hero Ingrid:

When I re-read [Rosebrough's] utter disregard for the well-being of [everyone] in his audience [at Extreme Theology]…I feel true indignation.”

Me too.

Really. Truly. Sad.

struggle4laodicea


We Agree: Christians Should Never Have Fun!

June 19, 2008

Laodiceans,

I have used this space in the past to warn you of the dangers of a certain blog whose author purports, falsely, to be a trained discernmentalist. It is not easy to come by these skills. I have been fortunate in my young career to be trained by some of the best, including, but not limited to, Itodyaso. The illustrious IT has taught me that discernmentalism is not a fun responsibility. It carries a heavy burden because what is at stake is heavy: The truth. I have learned that the truth war is nothing to scoff at and it is certainly not about fun. People are dying all of the place because the ammunition we use in the truth war doesn’t just impact the surface like a paintball ‘bullet,’ but rather, it penetrates deeply to the source quite like Ben Gay or Preparation H.

In short, we here at ODM do not take this responsibility lightly, but reverently, soberly, and with sincere hearts.

Thus we welcome back to the fold of serious ODM’s our comrade in keyboard, Slice of Laodicea, who sometime yesterday got it right and bravely reminded us of the serious truth that Christians do not have fun–especially on Sunday mornings, especially on Father’s Day, and especially in churches we do not worship with on a regular basis, have never visited, and have not placed our membership, given a tithe or an offering, or participated in a ministry program or evangelistic call or listened to a sermon by the preacher; especially churches we judge because we have one picture sent to us by a spy. In this post, she has warned us of the dangers of staging ‘faux sumo wrestling.’ This is most important because, as we all know, faux sumo wrestling is strictly prohibited in the New Testament.

It is important that we continue showing people all around the world that what defines Christians is not childlike joy, not happiness, not celebration, not fun, not laughter but seriousness, reverence, fear, shuddering, trembling, gloom, despair and agony, Oh me!, deep dark depression, excessive misery. Thank you Slice of Laodicea for reminding us of the dangers of fun, laughter, silliness, and excessive joy. We wouldn’t want any of these things infecting the true church.

And for all the rest of you, get in line! Turn those smiles in frowns!

Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.” (James 4:9-10, NIV)

Remember, I struggle for you.

struggle4laodicea


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