Bring Back the Old Hymns!

April 28, 2008

This hymn was one that inspired me years ago. May it bless you as it blessed me.

We’re the Lord’s elected few, let all the rest be damned.
There’s room enough in Hell for you, We don’t want Heaven crammed.  ~ Old Hymn

I. Todyaso


Unknown Facts about Mark Driscoll!

April 26, 2008

1. Mark never sleeps, he plants Churches.

2. Mark is so holy he can add new books to the Bible, like Acts29

3. Mark once killed a man by reading him Calvin’s Institutes.

4. In prison Mark shanked a man in prison to keep his front teeth.

5. Mark is now afraid to shower with other men.

6. Mark used to swear more until his Tourette syndrome was properly medicated.

7. Mark has the mark of the beast tattooed on his buttocks

8. Mark once attended a U2 concert.

9. Mark used to be grunge when grunge wasn’t cool.

10. Mark once talked to Ravi Zachariah so Mark might be saved.

11. Mark once talked to Ravi Zachariah so Mark might not be saved.

 12. Mark shot a man while robbing his castle, Bobbie Sue took the money and run.

13. Before Mark was converted, he was the Rooster  and the Man in The Box (lyrics contain swear words so if you are easily offended do not click link)

14. Mark has seen the Black Hole Sun.

15. Mark dated Alice in Chains and members of Soundgarden.

16. Mark once went to see Swearengen to learn more swear words for sermons but left early as they did not swear enough.

17. A big part of Marks seminary training was at the Chapel before he realized it was a bar.

I am sure there are more, I am doing more research even now.

I. Todyaso


Our Hits are Down!

April 26, 2008

Sadly i must confess our hits are down. So I decided to do a post that has Rob Bell, Ingrid of Slice of Laodicea, Mark Driscoll, Brian McLaren, Doug Paggett, Ken Silva Ravi Zacharia, Jesus the Messiah, Moses, the American Idol. the Dow Jone Industrial Average, Rick Warren, the Nephilim, and Obama and Hillary, UFO’s, The Beatles and Britney Spears all mentioned in one post just to get hits. Keep the hits coming and help us keep this Truth War moving.  

Remember,

I. Todyaso


New Device Could Keep Our Churches Pure!

April 25, 2008

“It’s horrible, loud and irritating,” said Eddie Holder, 15,

 

After reading this article about how a device is used to keep teens (which I believe are the worse of sinners as they practice teen pregnancy, dance like Hannah Montana and other sins) away from buildings I felt inspired by God to tell others this device can be used to keep sinners away from our churches. If someone has not taken the “official Church membership” class, and passed they will not receive a special pair of ear muffs that will help reduce the annoying noise. The “sinner” will hear the noise and be chased out of our churches keeping them pure.

We here at the Online Discernmentalist Mafia fully endorse this product.

“What’s the meaning of all the noise in the city?”,

I. Todyaso


Chris Rosebrough: Closet Hindu no More!

April 25, 2008

Friends,

Here we go again! It seems that our work here at ODM is never foloinished, but we must be diligent in our work to expose you to the doctrinal errors of those who are just a little lower on the sanctificationalism chart than we are. We are the lizard kings, we can do anything.

What I have learned by being a member of the writing force here at the ODM is that words mean things. Recently, for example, I finished reading a book called The Shack. I was warned by a very important ODM that the author of the book is secretly or overtly a proponent of astral projection and New Age theology because, in the book, he tells of a dream where he was flying. Scary. (I had a dream the other night that I was sleeping so I guess that means I am advocating, uh, sleep.) But the point is that words mean things. Words are not devoid of content even when they are ripped out of their context. So all those grammar lessons we spent time going over in Junior High are meaningless: Context gives us no clues whatsoever when it comes to the meaning of words. And I’m not even going to get into what the author states he believes, or what the author’s stated intentions are, or the theological content of those who endorse and author’s book. (I knew I would find a way to get back at all those teachers who insisted I anaylyze the context for clues so as to find the meaning of paragraphs. In your face Mrs Clapsaddle!)

All that matters, and it is important that you repeat this with me slowly, is this: What are the words and what do they mean. Remember these four things do not matter: Context, Intent, Beliefs, Endorsements. All that matters is the words themselves. So, it is with great remorse that we must lay to rest one of the great ODM’s of our day, Extreme Theology (and, I think, by extension, alittleleaven; or, as Ingrid, former uber-ODM and recent apostate, likes to call it alotofleaven). Now I will explain why it is necessary for you to abandon all hope that you will ever learn anything extremely theological from extreme theology:

HOLY COW!”

 

Friends, this is proof enough that Chris Rosebrough is a Hindu and worships sacred cows (pun intended). And, to make it worse, this sentence is in perfect context (I am breaking my own ODM rules by keeping it in context!) I don’t think there is anything else that even needs to be said about this because you can see it here for yourself. I’m not making this stuff up folks: Truth is stranger than fiction.  All this time we have been led to believe that Extreme Theology was about Biblical Theology, and on our side in the Truth War, and it turns out that it was actually about worshiping cows, or at least venerating them, which is a major, major aspect of the Hindu ‘faith’. I think it is safe to say: Extreme Theology is lame and, like most of what we discern around here, practicing a ‘many approaches to God’ sort of theology.

So here’s another friendly warning: Stay away from so-called ‘biblical’ ministries like Extreme Theology and ALittleLeaven. They are dangerous factions of a ‘many ways to God’ sort of theology. They are as corrupt as Tim Reed whose heretical views on Karma have been exposed and chronicled here at the ODM. Listen folks, don’t take this lightly: Words mean things. Nowhere in the Bible are we told to call cows ‘Holy.’ Only God is Holy (See Isaiah 6). This is terribly disappointing and I know many of you will be lost. But take heart! We here at ODM are accepting all former clients and patients of Extreme Theology and ALittleLeaven (have your insurance card handy). We want you to know that we are here for you because we care (or because we don’t) but either way, what does it matter, we are here. If you are interested in real discernment, then this is the place to be! Forget the phonies and get your real discernment from the experts.

struggle4laodicea

PS–If anyone has ever been saved by a ‘holy cow’ would you please email us here at ODM? We would love to share your story.

PPS–Chris, we are sorry you are apostate. We hope you will get back to earning your salvation by practicing right theology.


Slice is Losing it!

April 23, 2008

Fellow Laodiceans,

We here at ODM are normally very supportive of Slice of Laodicea, but I have to stop for a minute and discern. I seriously think the author of slice is, well, losing it. That is, losing her special discernmentalist powers. She must be sitting near kryptonite or krispy kremes.

She is now concerned because Ravi Zacharias did not pray in Jesus’ Name at a National Day of Prayer event. Wrote the author of Slice:

Shirley Dobson must give an answer to Christians around the world as to why the name of Jesus is absent from the prayer.

Uh, GET ON THAT SHIRLEY! Damnation*,  how could you be so freaking stupid, SHIRLEY? After all your husband is like the pope of the protestant church! You must be a stark, raving lunatic to forget that the Bible specifically mentions in 2 Matthew 23:29, 4 Mark 4:10, 8 Thessalonians 79:134, and 15 Revelation 7957:4109: “Thou shalt pray in the Name of Jesus or you will most certainly die a painful, humiliating death.” And you, Ravi…I have no words for you. What a disgrace.

But I have words for the author of slice. First of all, while I can commend you for thinking that we should pray in Jesus’ Name (See John 14:13 for example) and I am terribly disappointed at you. You see, the same Bible that you just crushed Shirley and Ravi with also says this, “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” (Colossians 3:17). Now I have read quite a few of your blog posts and you know what? I don’t recall seeing any of them end with the words: “IN Jesus’ Name.” Now, if we are to do ALL things in Jesus’ Name, why are you not blogging in His Name? Are you ashamed of Jesus’ Name? Ingrid, I’m sorry to tell you this but you are not righteous enough to call yourself a discernmentalist! You are a fake. A Phony. A Fraud. And a dis-grace to the profession. I demand that you explain yourself to all Christians why you do not blog in Jesus’ Name!!! Here is a link to Ingrid’s contact information so you can ask her why she doesn’t obey the Scripture and blog in Jesus’ Name.

Second of all, and this is where Ingrid is really going to be up a creek without a paddle. You see, I have a Bible and I read it. And I remember two very specific prayers that Jesus prayed in the Bible. One is an example of how Christians ought to pray and is found in Matthew 6. When Jesus finished modeling prayer for his people, he failed to pray in his own name. Also, Jesus prayed a very long prayer in John 17 and you know what? He failed to pray in his own Name at the end of that prayer too. I am very disappointed, at this point, that Ingrid hasn’t called out Jesus on this. I would think that surely the Son of God would know better than to not pray in His own Name. INGRID, I DEMAND THAT YOU CALL OUT JESUS ON THIS ONE. THAT IS THE LEAST YOU CAN DO FROM YOUR PERCH HIGH ATOP THE LADDER OF RIGHTEOUSNESS.

Friends and fellow pilgrims, I am giving you ample warning: Stay away from Ingrid. She is no discernmentalist. She doesn’t even blog in Jesus’ Name and She won’t call out Jesus for failing to pray in his own Name.

In Jesus’ Name,

struggle4laodicea

ps–May the Lord have mercy on me and forgive me if I have crossed the line. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

pps–I hope you get my point. I seriously think someone needs to put a stop to this. This is outrageous.

*The Lord Editor I. Todyaso will add editor’s comment here: The usage of “damanation” is biblical as it is in the KJV. See Matthew 23:14. Since Jesus Himself said the word, we need press our children to also be biblical. It is well as long as we do not cuss like Mark Driscoll or Tony Jones. In Jesus Name.


A Slice of Worship

April 22, 2008

 

Laodiceans,

It is worse than I thought, and once again you need to be made aware of a disturbing trend that is being pushed by certain bloggers. (HT: Emergent) The trend is to limit the time of worship to a mere hour. We are given 168 hours per week (HT: My calculator) to live, and move, and have our being, but now former uber-ODM, the author of slice of laodicea, is advocating that we only give an hour per week back to the Lord: (HT: Slice of Laodicea)

Here’s the quote in context:

I received this press release this morning calling on Christians to shut down worship services and go help the poor. Rather than set aside an hour for the express worship of our Lord and King and then go out and serve, we are being told that serving poor people is worship and nothing else is needed. [My emphasis.]

You can see it there in plain English (HT: England): ‘an hour’ for ‘express worship’. Talk about your ‘drive-through’ worship! We strenuously object to this line (HT: Demi Moore). We just cannot understand why the author of slice would all of a sudden favor such short worship times. Seriously: Express Worship? Isn’t that what they sell at McDonald’s: Express breakfast? (HT: McDonald’s) Or is it Holiday Inn? (HT: Holiday Inn)Shame on the author of slice for linking the church to McDonald’s. We here at TheODM feel that this is an egregious error on the part of our former compatriot in the truth war (s). (HT: John MacArthur) Worship should NOT be limited to only an hour. We agree with the Scripture which says that we should do all things to the glory of God. (HT: Paul) We believe that ALL time belongs to God and therefore all things should be worship. (HT: The Bible) To limit our ‘time’ of worship to a mere hour is far below the standards of any properly defined Discernment Ministry. (HT: Itodyaso) We think that one should only help the poor for an hour a week and the rest of the time should be dedicated to worship. In fact, most people should quit (HT: Barry Sanders) their day jobs for this purpose too. In fact, who cares about the poor! (HT: Judas Iscariot)

Now, on a brighter note (HT: The Sun), we are happy that the author of slice has taken time out of her schedule (but she only needs an hour for worship this week so she has plenty of time to spare) to remind all you vandals (HT: Goths & Visigoths) about the rules of posting and ‘borrowing’ from the writings of others. (HT: Plagiarism) This is why above I was only able to quote a snippet. (HT: snip and puppet) Here’s what the article says and again, my apologies for not quoting the entire post, but the author has forbidden it. Here’s the best I can do without having to worry about copyright infringement: (HT: ©)

….It’s fine to excerpt and cut and paste…without asking permission. I’m not upset with anyone…but I am noticing a disturbing trend by columnists and bloggers alike these days….I have…issues. I’m only requesting…Carrington Steele…dare someone to come after…you, readers.

Well, I did my best to heed the implied threat in this sentence: “I spoke this morning with an author of several Christian (HT: Antioch) books and many articles…who lifted without attribution…Whole sections of articles, entire posts cut and pasted into others’ blogs with nothing but a HT (hat tip)…I’ll come after…you…in…the future.” (1) (1) But as you can see, I clearly did not simply ‘cut and paste’ the entire blog post. Instead, I very carefully did what the author said and ‘cut and pasted’ the more salient points and I have provided numerous links back to her blog. 

We applaud this hard line taken by the author and we will give serious consideration to allowing her to rejoin the ranks of serious discernment ministries like ours. But until we can convince the author of slice to worship for more than an hour per week, we are afraid she is just not up to snuff. I am in this for you, Laodiceans. I am hopeful that my agony for you will be worth it all. I hope you will be careful around this very dangerous blog.

struggle4laodicea

HT: SliceofLaodicea

Props: SliceofLaodicea

Copyright: SliceofLaodicea

All Rights Reserved: SliceofLaodicea

Kudos: SliceofLaodicea

Friend of Discernment: SliceofLaodicea

Original Author: SliceofLaodicea

From the Webblog: SliceofLaodicea

Enemy of Emergent: SliceofLaodicea

Friend of Pastor Silva: SliceofLaodicea

Owner: SliceofLaodicea

Patent Pending: SliceofLaodicea

Ghostwriter: SliceofLaodicea

Green Friendly: SliceofLaodicea

Made with 100% Recyclable Key strokes: SliceofLaodicea

Drink Milk from Rats instead of Cows: SliceofLaodicea

I hope I have covered all the bases and have properly attributed this post. If there is any confusion, I will be happy to give you a list of sources. SliceofLaodicea should cover it.

Footnotes:

(1) SliceofLaodicea

Endnotes:

(1) SliceofLaodicea

Index: SliceofLaodicea

Glossary: SliceofLaodicea

Afterward: SliceofLaodicea

Back Cover blurbs: SliceofLaodicea

PS–All links in this post HT: The internet.


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