Unity a Cause for Division Says Apprising Ministries

March 26, 2009

Using their Discernmentalist research, Apprising Ministries noted “False doctrine cries the loudest about unity. It’s when somebody is crying unity, love, and acceptance.” That is when using the H-Ray Detector (ie newly invented Heresy Detector) he was able to zero in on Tony Campolo “supposedly quoting Jesus” with the obviously mistaken quote from John 13:35 – ” By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

Apprising Ministries knew immediately that this was a subtle ploy for church unity and quickly posted an updated “Brothers and sisters, we must be careful to judge one another and separate the brethren from wheat and chaff.” The Online Discernmentalist researcher staff was quick to point out that we too re-calibrated the H-Ray Detector coming up with similar results (The H-Ray detector has an accuracy range of up to 50% or more).

Re: we cannot substantiate the second quote from Apprising…. However, we do acknowledge that we can trust their research because other ministries cite their sources, who in turn cite their sources which are again cited by Apprising and then cited again by other recycled sources who also cite Apprising who then cite themselves. We can honestly say that Apprising  Ministries is near cited.


Herescope’s Heretical Hairline

March 26, 2009

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In a strange turn of events Slice of Laodicea using the multi-billion dollar discernmentalist DUMB technology has noted that the discernmentalist creator of Herescope has developed a heretical hairline.  SoL comments “what we are seeing here is pattern baldness that is often adopted by heretics…but we are seeing this more and more in the discernmentalist ministries.”

Take A Stand Ministries withheld comment other than stating “Unless he begins a bible based hair-line treament immediately all financial support will cease.” Apprising Ministries was approached but had no comment.

The Online Discernmentalist Mafia is concerned that heretical pattern baldness could spread to our precious ministry. We therefore advocate hairnets or special discernmentalist hats that are specially blessed by Apprising Ministries to ward of fheretical demons of pattern baldness.

Order our specially discernmentalist anti-heretical pattern baldness hats now and get a FREE pair of steak-knives…all for $19.99. Call while supplies last….operators are standing by: 1-800-HER-ETIC

 

 

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