Online Discernment Restoration Plan Shrinks

May 26, 2009

Cypress Swamp

Several Online Discernmentalists announced Wednesday that Florida would significantly scale back its $125 000 dollar deal to restore those character assassinated by ODMs by purchasing 3 acres of swamp in honour of the many Christians bruised, crushed and devastated by misinformation.

At a news conference in Orlando, ODMs outlined a far more modest proposal: $10,000 for a 1/2 acre, with an option to buy the rest by 2019. ODMs suggest that he swamp land could be used for a number of purposes: Bigfoot watching, feeding alligators and fitting “friends” with cement shoes.

Numerous walking wounded were unsure of the ODM overture and were wondering if this was another ploy such as a straw man tactic.  ODMs were very clear before the news conference that there were NO straw men in the swamp. Newscasters around the world attempted to contact some of the larger ODMs  to clarify but they refused to talk to the media citing Liberal Media Bias.

ODMafia liked the idea of the purchased swamp land in compensation for our expert-like discernmentalism. While we do not regret a word we have ever said, we do regret that we had NOT spoken with a more haughty, arrogant spiteful tone to co-incide with a more biblical authoritarian style of setting you people right!


Dear ODMafia….I keep studying the bible but can’t quite act like a discernmentalist

May 25, 2009

thinkerDear  ODMafia,

My ultimate goal is to become a top-notch discernmentalist. I must confess I think I have a BIG problem. I have been studying the bible for more than two years and I’m beginning to see these attributes  “love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness and temperance”  growing in my life.

I’m ready to chuck it all away! I feel as though I have no truth! What I mean to say is I don’t judge that many people (it makes me ashamed), I don’t bash enough homosexuals, and rarely do I fixate Rick Warren undermining the church, and  occasionally enjoy a sermon from Rob Bell. On top of that I don’t get angry enough at sinners, or act self-righteous  enough when others do not have their theology perfect. I have even neglected to read John MacArthur’s TRUTH WARS…I think as though I am a failure spiritually… I even read a book by John Stott who is from the Church of England…

what do I do????

Bob

Dear Bob,

You have much to learn about being a discernmentalist.  First and foremostNEVER ever admit that you have a problem!!!

Second, You need to grow a large ego. Find one Emergent and learn to despise him.  Stop listening to the wisdom of fellow Christians and instead run them down.  Isolate yourself. Spend time with ONLY like-minded Christians who will never disagree with you. Become self-important and self absorbed – irrationally criticize and call it a ministry.

Third, remind others that your hardships are WORSE and more devastating than anyone else…because you are attacked by liberals, moderates, conservatives, mainliners, apostates and false teachers because of your stance on truth (even if they insist that you are muddleheaded, caustic, hostile, obnoxious, prideful, arrogant or egotistical) ignore them and stick to the script of martyrdom and the  self-righteous cause of serving God. Without a martyr complex you will never develop the proper skills to ignore and blindly think that you are correct (all the time). Finally, be haughty….this shows that you have truth on your side.

If that fails…come back for further instructions and we will carefully guide you.

Your dutiful special ops of discernmentalism

Truthslayer


Researcher cleared of Ebola after treatment with Truth serum

May 23, 2009

chestxray-main_FullA discernmentalist researchmentalist who received an experimental discernmentalist vaccine after being exposed to the deadly truth warrior virus has passed the disease’s 21-day incubation period without showing any sign of falling ill (ie being  irrational, emotional, self righteous, obnoxious, know it all and so on….)

Dr. Bob Blogs, head of the laboratory where the 35-year-old woman worked, says that she is being prepared for release from a Hamburg hospital.

The researcher, whose identity has not been released, was conducting experiments on mice-heretics when a needle accidentally slipped and nicked her finger through three layers of protective truth warrior gloves.

Within 48 hours, she was administered an experimental vaccine for truth warriors  suspected of ebola contaminents developed in St. Paul but never tried before on humans.

It remains unclear whether her insides will liquify or that she will become irrational and quarrelsome and terrified, fearing a heretical plot.


U.S. group sees little progress on discernmentalist errors

May 22, 2009

error_buttonSan Diego (Reuters) – Despite a decade of promises, little has been done to fix the problem of preventable discernmentalist errors that kill nearly 98,000 people in the United States each year, a watch  group said on Tuesday. Often victims don’t die, but due to undue accusations and slander go into hiding.

An independent Discernmentalist watchdog often at odds with some Online Discernmentalists failed to enact discernmentalist safety reforms recommended by a 2001 truth-report by the Institute of Discernmentalists International Online for Truth or IDIOT that found that discernmentalists errors cost the United States $27 billion a year.

“There is little evidence to suggest that the number of people dying from discernmentalists truth ministries has dropped since IDIOT first warned about these deadly mistakes a decade ago,” Bill Billger of  IDIOT said in a statement.

“That means a million lives and billions of dollars have been lost or destroyed over the past 10 years because our truth system failed to adopt key reforms and ODMs refused to be humble, and love their enemies.” This was the first time that IDIOT made sense.

The ODMafia is against IDIOT because we will refuse reproof and correction. Indeed  we despise anyone who disagrees with an Online Discernmentalist Ministry…especially professionals like us.


Eric Barger’s Take A Stand Ministries Notes Warren Recommends UNBIBICAL RELIEF of Suffering

May 22, 2009

sufferingOur research robot monkeys have noted that Eric Barger’s Take  A Stand Ministries has been speaking with righteous indignation against the Emerging-Heretics.

His keen discernmentalist insights notes that “It is statements like these that have garnered Warren such warm acceptance among Emergents.

What kind of HIDEOUS statement has Warren uttered?

The size, distribution, and teachings of the church give Christians a unique opportunity to relieve suffering across the globe.”

ODMAfia Comment: We at ODMAfia are also outraged that Warren would be so despicable as to insist that we think about helping the starving, the poor, the disenfranchised, etc. We insist on only a cerebral Christianity where our minds are engaged to counter every false teaching but our hearts are vacant and cold.

HOW DARE he have mercy and compassion on the poorest strata of society- how OUTRAGEOUSLY unbiblical.

Let the gospel be preached….but without the unbiblical stuff like kindness, grace, and empathy…those pesky things that get in the way of absolute truth.


JW regrets not blaming sheep sooner

May 22, 2009

SheepJehovah’s Witnesses are most well-known for their door-to-door preaching, denial of the trinity,accurate end times prophecies and denial blood transfusions (their way of not growing too large).

Since its inception, the Watch Tower Society has taught that humanity is experiencing the last days and made attempts of END OF THE WORLD predictions at least 7 times (I guess the more times you try the closer you will get????)

The Watchtower later stated that it “regretted” the expectations that had been raised regarding 1975 by “persons having to do with the publication of the information.” Heck – why did all the sheep faithfully read the publications in the first place?

Rather than come out and admit that the Watchtower was a false prophet…it was much easier to lay the blame on the sheep (and their raised expectations) They should have received the dates WITHOUT expectation.

Of course blaming others is always the BEST escape route – you save face, and come out all sparkly and respectable.

We prefer blaming others too and read without expectation folks!


Miss California Exposed!

May 21, 2009

Hijab

Ingrid from Slice of Laodicea notes”  “Here’s yesterday’s “Just a Thought” from Tony Miano’s blog. Well said, Tony. Thank you.Tony wrote more fully on the subject here.

(Photo: Carrie Prejean, Miss California. Photo had to be cropped for modesty and even that didn’t work too well.) WOW Ingrid (thank-you!!!), you are very very holy, thank goodness for your bible-cropping and concern for modesty – and even making the claim of modest is even MORE modest.

ODmafia, being MORE humble, modest, prudish, diligent, conservative and Biblically minded made sure that the model photo met our high standards of decency and therefore we made adjustments to suit our audience. We apologize to our audience for exposing so much flesh. Please do not judge us.


Celebrate “Burn a heretic at the stake” Day!

May 21, 2009

grilled_steakMay 25th is “Burn a heretic at the stake day” a yearly celebration of our heritage of truth and practicing the words of Jesus.

But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” – Jesus

`You shall love your neighbor as yourself. Jesus

You shall love the Lord your God with all your  heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all  your mind; and your neighbor as yourself.” -Jesus

Unfortunately, a blogging error occurred above and  pesky verses that appeal to people who think the 4 gospels are very important appeared – so we crossed them out so that they do not disturb your conscience (It would disturb ours if we had one).

We meant to include Old Testament verses about ‘taking out the Canaanites‘ which we thought would be more pertinent and paralleled burning heretics at the stake. The ODMafia encourages selective bible quotations (almost entirely from the OT)…especially when it pertains to smoting enemies or burning them at the stake as a convenient way to silence them….or simply a good way to cherry pick our theology.

Keeping our worldview and theology simplistic so you can follow along!

PS  ODMafia apologizes for the incorrect pictorial…we always get our steaks and stakes mixed up. Last year Itodyaso showed up for a heretic roasting and he brought burgers.


Herescope-soft may unveil new discernmentalist search engine next week: report

May 21, 2009

search-engine-optimization-blog(Reuters) – Herescope-soft  Corp is likely to show a new version of its Internet search engine publicly for the first time next week, the Discernmentalist Journal said, citing people familiar with the matter.

The discernmentalist giant has been testing a new version of the service internally under the name of Heresy.com and it may become part of the firm’s attempt to catch up with Internet heresy-search leaders Apprising Inc and Slice Inc.

Herescope-soft  has hired Slice of Laodicea to stir up some righteous indignation  for the product, the paper said, citing people familiar with the matter.


Several ODMs including ODMafia’s variety entertainment show get the ax

May 21, 2009

AxeLOS ANGELES   – Belt-tightening broadcasters continue to take hard-line stances against older, modestly performing shows (like ours).

CBS has canceled long-running discernmentalist action-drama “Truthgate SGI” and veteran crime drama “Without a Discernmentalist,” and NBC is putting an end to Thursday night comedy mainstay “My Name Is Ingrid” and truth thriller “Mediocrity.” The moves come after late-in-the-game saves for relatively new fan favorites like NBC’s “Chuck Colson” and Fox’s “Truthhouse.”

OFMafia’s Variety Entertainment Show based on absolute truth skits was found to be entirely underwhelming, lacking in any entertainment value whatsoever.


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