Lawmakers approve same-truth marriage in N.H., Maine

May 27, 2009

marry(DNN) — Lawmakers voted in favor of same-truth marriage in New Hampshire and Maine on Wednesday, leaving Rhode Island as the only other New England state without legislation in favor of the issue.

Eric Barger’s Take A Stand Ministries believes that the ONLY type of marriage should be declared between 2 people who share the same absolute truth. It was rumoured that people should take a truth-detector test before marriage, but we could not confirm nor deny the allegation.

“I have come to believe that this is a question of fairness and of equal protection under the law, and that a civil-truth union is not equal to civil marriage,” Bart Baldacci, a Democrat, said in a statement released as he signed the bill.

As soon as ODMs found out a democrat was behind this bill they quickly gathered against him, and burned an image of his likeness outside the legislative building. ODMS are now trying to re–configure their stand on same-truth marriage. Republicans were unsure of the who debacle, but some declared that truth was too elusive for anyone to agree on and decided it was best to support defence contractors to defend America against communists until they could come to a better informed decision.

Most ODM Truth Warriors remain single unable to find someone who holds to the same quality of truth that they do which makes dating or getting along with other people difficult. Many ODMs (such as ODMafia) resort to lobotomies, hypnosis and bribes to make people like us. Still, we THINK we are likeable despite our ugly underbelly….but that is because we often resort to paying off our readers to pretend to appreciate this ministry.


Evangelism Educational Film- “What not to do…”

May 27, 2009

Of all the educational films we endorse this is one should be shown in every church!


The perfect concealed weapon!

May 27, 2009

 

evangelism2

I rarely link to another blog unless I truly agree with them or I hate them. Yet, here I appreciate Tim Challies digging out a true gem that will remind us all that the Bible truly THE CONCEALED weapon. Though as I read the post by Tim Challies I sort felt he might not believe this is the ONLY true way of evangelism as it was developed in the 1950’s so I am a bit reluctant to send people there. Yet, to have this truly incredible method to pass on in such a wonderful packaged way it could not be passed up for it’s true value. By using this approved method I guarantee you will convert many to OUR DOCTRINES.

 

* Warning: Tim Challies wavers on the edge of apostasy!


Online Discernment Restoration Plan Shrinks

May 26, 2009

Cypress Swamp

Several Online Discernmentalists announced Wednesday that Florida would significantly scale back its $125 000 dollar deal to restore those character assassinated by ODMs by purchasing 3 acres of swamp in honour of the many Christians bruised, crushed and devastated by misinformation.

At a news conference in Orlando, ODMs outlined a far more modest proposal: $10,000 for a 1/2 acre, with an option to buy the rest by 2019. ODMs suggest that he swamp land could be used for a number of purposes: Bigfoot watching, feeding alligators and fitting “friends” with cement shoes.

Numerous walking wounded were unsure of the ODM overture and were wondering if this was another ploy such as a straw man tactic.  ODMs were very clear before the news conference that there were NO straw men in the swamp. Newscasters around the world attempted to contact some of the larger ODMs  to clarify but they refused to talk to the media citing Liberal Media Bias.

ODMafia liked the idea of the purchased swamp land in compensation for our expert-like discernmentalism. While we do not regret a word we have ever said, we do regret that we had NOT spoken with a more haughty, arrogant spiteful tone to co-incide with a more biblical authoritarian style of setting you people right!


Dear ODMafia….I keep studying the bible but can’t quite act like a discernmentalist

May 25, 2009

thinkerDear  ODMafia,

My ultimate goal is to become a top-notch discernmentalist. I must confess I think I have a BIG problem. I have been studying the bible for more than two years and I’m beginning to see these attributes  “love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness and temperance”  growing in my life.

I’m ready to chuck it all away! I feel as though I have no truth! What I mean to say is I don’t judge that many people (it makes me ashamed), I don’t bash enough homosexuals, and rarely do I fixate Rick Warren undermining the church, and  occasionally enjoy a sermon from Rob Bell. On top of that I don’t get angry enough at sinners, or act self-righteous  enough when others do not have their theology perfect. I have even neglected to read John MacArthur’s TRUTH WARS…I think as though I am a failure spiritually… I even read a book by John Stott who is from the Church of England…

what do I do????

Bob

Dear Bob,

You have much to learn about being a discernmentalist.  First and foremostNEVER ever admit that you have a problem!!!

Second, You need to grow a large ego. Find one Emergent and learn to despise him.  Stop listening to the wisdom of fellow Christians and instead run them down.  Isolate yourself. Spend time with ONLY like-minded Christians who will never disagree with you. Become self-important and self absorbed – irrationally criticize and call it a ministry.

Third, remind others that your hardships are WORSE and more devastating than anyone else…because you are attacked by liberals, moderates, conservatives, mainliners, apostates and false teachers because of your stance on truth (even if they insist that you are muddleheaded, caustic, hostile, obnoxious, prideful, arrogant or egotistical) ignore them and stick to the script of martyrdom and the  self-righteous cause of serving God. Without a martyr complex you will never develop the proper skills to ignore and blindly think that you are correct (all the time). Finally, be haughty….this shows that you have truth on your side.

If that fails…come back for further instructions and we will carefully guide you.

Your dutiful special ops of discernmentalism

Truthslayer


Researcher cleared of Ebola after treatment with Truth serum

May 23, 2009

chestxray-main_FullA discernmentalist researchmentalist who received an experimental discernmentalist vaccine after being exposed to the deadly truth warrior virus has passed the disease’s 21-day incubation period without showing any sign of falling ill (ie being  irrational, emotional, self righteous, obnoxious, know it all and so on….)

Dr. Bob Blogs, head of the laboratory where the 35-year-old woman worked, says that she is being prepared for release from a Hamburg hospital.

The researcher, whose identity has not been released, was conducting experiments on mice-heretics when a needle accidentally slipped and nicked her finger through three layers of protective truth warrior gloves.

Within 48 hours, she was administered an experimental vaccine for truth warriors  suspected of ebola contaminents developed in St. Paul but never tried before on humans.

It remains unclear whether her insides will liquify or that she will become irrational and quarrelsome and terrified, fearing a heretical plot.


U.S. group sees little progress on discernmentalist errors

May 22, 2009

error_buttonSan Diego (Reuters) – Despite a decade of promises, little has been done to fix the problem of preventable discernmentalist errors that kill nearly 98,000 people in the United States each year, a watch  group said on Tuesday. Often victims don’t die, but due to undue accusations and slander go into hiding.

An independent Discernmentalist watchdog often at odds with some Online Discernmentalists failed to enact discernmentalist safety reforms recommended by a 2001 truth-report by the Institute of Discernmentalists International Online for Truth or IDIOT that found that discernmentalists errors cost the United States $27 billion a year.

“There is little evidence to suggest that the number of people dying from discernmentalists truth ministries has dropped since IDIOT first warned about these deadly mistakes a decade ago,” Bill Billger of  IDIOT said in a statement.

“That means a million lives and billions of dollars have been lost or destroyed over the past 10 years because our truth system failed to adopt key reforms and ODMs refused to be humble, and love their enemies.” This was the first time that IDIOT made sense.

The ODMafia is against IDIOT because we will refuse reproof and correction. Indeed  we despise anyone who disagrees with an Online Discernmentalist Ministry…especially professionals like us.


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