The Dangers of Breathing While Praying and Reading your Bible!

June 11, 2009

lrg_mouth_breathing

After listening to this great expose on Rob Bell with Ingrid of Crosstalk and Slice of Laodicea with special guest, our Affectionate Uncle Ken Silva, I realized that breathing is of the devil and must not happen when we pray or read our Bible! Here is a contraption to make sure you do not breath too deeply as it might give oxygen to your brain and help you understand what God might be trying to tell you. Thanks again to Ingrid and Ken Silva for helping us all see the great danger and EVIL in breathing!

 


New Bible Product to help in your studies!

June 11, 2009

 

duster

The newest line of Bible products that has help me save face at MY church is the Bible Duster. The other day I noticed my Bible had gathered a little dust. Now like most of our readers, I KNOW the Bible so studying it seems a little overboard. Yet, the other day as I was reading it and trying to not let it get too deep into me. (God forbid we meditate and contemplate the Bible! That could lead to becoming a heretic like those emerging folk!) This product will help you keep up the appearance that you never forget to read your Bible. (Again please only filter your reading through THIS site and other APPROVED sites we recommend!) Simply take the Bible Duster© and run it over your dusty Bible and viola! No more embarrassing dust! This is handy for those who need that little extra help in their Bible studies.

dusty bible

Now I personally have many Bibles such as the one I read (pictured above).

I have my show Bible that looks well worn for church. It is only opened at church. It opens only to specific passages the Truth War Church will approve.

Worn%20Bible

I also have my travel Bible or the one I take on my air travels across the world teaching my great wisdom and knowledge of OUR Doctrines. My Huge Bible makes sure all know I am a REAL Christian and not some phony one! It is also handy in helping me make sure I have an empty seat next to me on the plane!

ITodyaso and his big bible

 

We here at the ODMafia know how important keeping up appearances is! So please buy the Bible Duster© and make sure that those real Discernmentalist Church members will not take special notice of you!


Dear ODMafia

June 11, 2009

robre: Rob Bell

Dear ODMafia,

I accidently read Rob Bell’s Velet Elvis what do I do now? I feel so ashamed, dirty and and unclean…I think I may be suffering from Emerging Influenza.

Jim

Dear Jim,

I’m afraid there is not a lot we can do for you.  You have apostasized. In the mean time a steady diet of Eric Barger’s Take A Stand Ministries articles and ODMafia are the ONLY remedy that we think can cure you. We recommend stabbing your brain with toothpick first before attempting to read these very deep and penetrating essays.

Thanks for coming to us with your problems you reprobate!

your most expert discernmentalist….

Truthslayer

PS if you accidently read another book that is off limits we will ban you from our sinless blog. You disgust us. In fact I’m getting sick….


Contemplatin the Bible dangerous says Eric Barger!

June 11, 2009

dontOur partner in discernmentalism Eric Barger rightly notes “Is Contemplative Prayer/Spirituality being introduced and practiced? Is there talk of “Spiritual Formation,” centering prayer and something called “lectio divina” which, in a nutshell, is leading Evangelicals directly into the mystical and sometimes occult-based practices of the Roman Church?”

We at ODMAfia concur! Lectio Divina is about studying passages in the Bible. Reading them. Listening to them. Then praying about them. Then discussing them. Then reading them again….and discussing them from various perspectives. Then listening to them again. Discussing. Meditating. This is bad. Bad Bad.

Study! Meditation! Discussion! Prayer! Reading the Bible like this leads you into the occult!

We cannot be thinking about the bible…..NOR discussing it. Eric Barger is right on again….how dangerous it is to meditate on the Bible.

As ITodyaso has noted….I DARE YOU to find one quote in the bible about meditation or renewing our minds using the bible! I DARE U.

Let ODMafia do the discerning so that you don’t have to!


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