Offical exemption card now available

September 29, 2009

FRUITIt has long been known unofficially that Online Discernmentalist Ministries (ODMS) were exempt from living out the Fruit of the Spirit. This is due to the fact that the truth wars are so fierce, and truth so frail that ODMs must be excluded if we are going to fight the good fight. Now with the Fruit of the Spirit Exemption Card it is officially understood that ODMs do not need to apply, live under, or bear such fruit.

So remember, if you are an ODM bearing the fruit is not only optional, it is frighteningly apparent that by doing so you may lose the battle for truth in your dirty little war!

A proud sponsor of the official exemption card

…Truthslayer endorsed!


Seismic Shift In Methods Used To Track Heretics!

September 29, 2009

Church damaged by candles used in secret Emergent meeting. Thank God there were no couches in there as the whole place would have burnt down!

ODMafia Daily (Sep .29, 2009) — Discernmentalist have developed a new technique to monitor emerging heretical movements beneath the Earth’s surface, helping them better understand how Emergent’s behave.


The team, led by top ODM, I. Todyaso from the ODM University, says that the new method, which uses data collected from heretics, potentially allows the Emergent activity to map more comprehensively other heretical movements.

ODM’s currently monitor underground movements, such as Emergents, using super-secret – instruments that measure the motion of those movements at local churches. This helps to indicate where they might be taking place and what churches could be infected next.

Now, by analyzing the heretical waves from two different Emergent meetings, the team has been able to simulate the heretical waves from one of meetings much like a recording seismometer does with earthquakes. The discovery allows Emergents themselves to be used as virtual seismometers that record passing heretical waves from tremors to full fledged “Soul Tsunamis”.

Using Emergents in this way substantially increases the number of locations that could be used to detect Emergent activity. And since Emergents services occur in dimly lit buildings with couches, using them also allows ODM”s to monitor other heretical activity from far the future!

The research, published in Natural Judgmentalism, was carried out in collaboration with the British ODM Survey and other ODM Universities.

TruthSlayer, Professor of Mathematical Heretical Studies at the ODM University of Canada, said: “This turns the way we can twist Emerging movements leaders quotes on their head. By using Emergents themselves as virtual microphones that record the sound of heretics internal movements, we can listen to the Heretics stretching and cracking from directly within its most heretical places.”

Dr. Brian D. Southernbaptie, ODMology Team Leader at the British ODMological Survey, said: “This discovery shows how we can measure strains of heresy deep inside the Church and helps improve our understanding of the processes driving emerging activity so we are better equipped to lie about what they really teach.”


Building others up….not part of ministry

September 29, 2009

dummies

Some Christians spend all their busy body time building each other up, they encourage one another….and base it all on flimsy texts like the ones in 1 Thes 5 “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”

or 1st Corinthians… “We know that all possess knowledge. Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know….

We realize that if we spent all our time building up other ministries (or others!), spending time encouraging one another we would NOT have time for true discernment which would mean pointing out why Rick Warren, Bill Hybels, Ravi Zacharias, James MacDonald, Shane Claiborne, Rob Bell, Gregory Boyd, Brian McLaren and Dan Kimball and so many more are wrong, prone to error, false teachers, heretics and don’t know the bible near as well as us….

We encourage you today to discourage someone…anyone. Point out why their doctrine is error prone and that they need to repent and become a discernmentalist…or at least read our materials so that they will know how wrong they are.

Please don’t offer them a kind word!

Please don’t remind them of God’s grace (you want them to be wallow in guilt).

Let us know how you did….and report in any stories that could be pertinent to the TRUE ministry of non-encouragement.

Get going and discourage someone today!


Top ten newest ODM technologies

September 27, 2009

Top ten newest ODM technologies

  1. Comment Deleter Program: Ted Stevens, the 83-year-old senior senator from Alaska, described the Internet as “a series of tubes.” Yet clumsy as his metaphor may have been, Stevens was struggling to make a reasonable point: the tubes can get clogged. Read More  We have the solution. We have created the auto-anti-emerging comment deleter program that will delete those pesky Emergents comments that waste bandwidth and website space. By deleting their garbage, the internet will become less clogged and flow more freely.
  2. solar-notebook3 Nanocharging Solar: Arthur Nozik believes quantum-dot solar power could boost output in cheap photovoltaics. We are already using this technology to help run many ODM sites when power supplies are limited. Just attach our cheap Photovoltaics Laptop power supply to your cheap Photovoltaics Laptop and you can continue to attack those evil heretics!
  3. Personalized Heresy Monitors: Ken Silva says using computers to automate some research could make proper doctrine easier to attain and heresy easier to point out.
  4.  Cell Group Analysis: We here at the ODMafia believe that detecting minute differences in heretical teachings between individual cells groups could improve ODM churches.
  5. Truth Stretching Opticals: Eric Barger has created light-focusing optical antennas that could lead to DVDs that hold hundreds of misleading teachings and out of context quotes to build better straw-man arguments.
  6. Resistible Revolution: Artificially structured metamaterials could transform ODM abilities to build further resistance to Shane Claiborne.
  7. Mouse Neuron Control: Karl Deisseroth’s genetically engineered “light switch,” which lets scientists turn selected parts of the brain on and off, may help improve controlling your congregation from thinking for themselves. We here at the ODMafia abhor that sort of thing  in churches! (Thinking that is… if you do it we will be out of a job! So let us do it for you!)
  8. Nanohealing: Tiny fibers will save lives by stopping church bleeding and aiding recovery from Emerging brain injury, says ODM Chris Rosebrough.
  9. Digital Imaging, Reimagined: Chris Rosebrough and Ken Silva believe compressive sensing could help rewrite historical Christianity to be more to their own version. They can reimage historical Christianity to fit their doctrinal needs at will.
  10. Argumental Reality: We ODM’s want to superimpose our information on the real world. We see that just the shere power of our fallacious and illogical arguments will change reality for those who listen and believe in us and OUR doctrines.

Why we stress a Discernmentalist Education

September 25, 2009

TorontoFrom 2008 when The Online Discernmentalist Mafia was founded until now we have emphasized a good sound education….a Discernmentalist Education. From our earliest times we believed that all Christians should be Truth Warriors engaging the world with the best tools possible….a discernmentalist education.

We hope that our readers will take night courses, enrol in our daily seminars or knuckle down in our more advanced studies such as Bachelor of Arts of Special Ops, Masters of Haughtiness or our newly introduced PhD in Slander Studies.

You can be rest assured that with ITodyaso at the helm of this very prestigious school our traditionalism and rigid discipline will remain unchanged for centuries to come.

Signed, Truthslater – educator, truth warrior, and fellow discernmentalist.

PS. We will be advertising some of these new courses as soon as possible for your discernmentalist convenience.


If you can’t Skorge….then Skewer!

September 24, 2009

skewer

Too many of us true Christians don’t have time to be as Reformed as we need to be.  Sometimes we need a little boost….and with the Skewer-Mini’s – they fit the bill!

Bite size for your convenience!

Skewer helps you to sharpen your heresy hunting while on the go!

Truthslayer endorsed!


Skorge Bar! Be reformed!

September 24, 2009

skorge

Sometimes us reformers don’t feel Reformed enough. Often we don’t protest our faith in the way we should. Do you find that you just don’t listen to enough John MacArthur podcasts and radio sermons?  Don’t quite feel orthodox enough?

ODMafia has teamed up with Hershey to produce the SKORGE BAR! The Skorge Bar is the candy to fill the “reformers” void. You will be energized to spend all your time finding fault with Catholics (there are many, and so little time to note them all). Now…hunting heresy will come with ease as you find yourself invigorated with Skorge Bar energy! Each Skorge Bar has something disparaging to say (printed on the side) about denominations that are not reformed enough.

Buy one today and begin to feel more anxious by the moment!

The Skorge Bar is Truthslayer approved, and ODMafia endorsed for your truthful pleasure!


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