Top Discernmentalist declares, “I like cookies!”

 

 

Top Discernmentalist declares, “I like cookies!”

 

While many cry, “Preference!” we true Discernmentalists know that what we prefer in our churches was handed down by God in the form of our Most Holy and Highest Doctrines. So, if one of our own discerns that cookies are good, and we can have them in our churches so we declare also, “I like cookies.”

 Yet, unlike those emerging couch churches with those RCC candles, we do not allow them in the sanctuary during our Holy Sanctified Services.

So now you can add cookies to the official lists that are approved by Discernmentalists which reads so far as:

 

  1. Pews instead of chairs. God forbids comfort in the form of couches or stackable chairs as those are part of the emerging and seeker/purpose driven churches.
  2. Pastors must wear suits and ties. Now as the Highn-endedness of Holiness states: “Look, our culture understands that if you wear a suit and a tie, the occasion is formal…the occasion is serious. There’s a certain dignity. I don’t think there’s anything more serious or more dignified than coming before the Lord in worship. Look, I wear a suit and a tie because I want to portray seriousness, dignity, certain sober mindedness. When you call people together for the purpose of worshiping God in the collective church and you’re going to open the Word of God and speak, that you need to maintain a decorum and a dignity and a respect that comes from looking like you treat this as a very, very special occasion.” (note that John MacArthur does not care about presentation or being relevant to any culture… he seriously only preaches the Gospel in his church!)
  3. There must not be candles (except if you are Lutheran)
  4. One must never observe Advent. (Unless you are Ingrid Schlueter or Slice of Laodicia)
  5. You must never cuss, (unless it makes a point or if you think it is funny, don’t worry we give grace to the “worthy” people”
  6. You must never use a contemporary example except once or twice a year. (Again, that is too much like emerging or purpose/seeker driven churches)
  7. You must preach through the Sermon on the Mount, but never, ever, ever let it sink into your heart. Tell people Jesus just means that stuff for after they die and go to heaven!
  8. Never ever read the bible in any way that is “spiritual” or think about what you are reading as that is called contemplation which is evil. We must never think while reading that is dangerous.
  9. Never use logic or reason to understand the bible as that does not allow the Holy Spirit to do His work. Likewise, it is too much like the early church practice of Christian Humanism who used logic and reason to approach and understand God.
  10. We proclaim that we must use logic and reason to approach and understand God. This looks like it contradicts #9 but if you do not think about it, it will not bother you!
  11. Pastors must only use John MacArthur as a source and no one else unless it is Rush Limbaugh, Dr. Laura, or Glen Beck. (We used to allow focus on the family, but no longer do!)
  12. Pastors or those who want to be pastor-like must quote Spurgeon and Calvin MORE than Jesus as Jesus tends to change people. God forbid that happens in OUR churches!

 

We will surely add more soon.

Advertisements

5 Responses to Top Discernmentalist declares, “I like cookies!”

  1. […] dare he say that we can’t idolize John MacArthur and his Truth Wars. Pastor MacArthur is a True Man of God and the only True Absolute Truth teacher […]

    Like

  2. truthslayer says:

    I concur….pews ALWAYS over comfortable chairs….otherwise we would slide into unbiblical territory. As for pastors wearing suit and ties…thats a no brainer. We KNOW for a fact that Jesus and the disciples wore suit and ties….they would be specially helpful when fishing.

    Like

  3. […] He isn’t John MacArthur God’s holiest Truth voice on earth. This is why John MacArthur is #1 in Absolute […]

    Like

  4. Patricia says:

    Who knows, maybe John (Reformedispy) MacArthur is right and the greatest Greek scholars (Google “Famous Rapture Watchers”), who uniformly said that Rev. 3:10 means PRESERVATION THROUGH, were wrong. But John has a conflict. On the one hand, since he knows that all Christian theology and organized churches before 1830 believed the church would be on earth during the tribulation, he would like to be seen as one who stands with the great Reformers. On the other hand, if you have a warehouse of unsold pretrib rapture material, and if you want to have “security” for your retirement years and hope that the big California quake won’t louse up your plans, you have a decided conflict of interest – right, John? Maybe the Lord will have to help strip off the layers of his seared conscience which have grown for years in order to please his parents and his supporters – who knows? One thing is for sure: pretrib is truly a house of cards and is so fragile that if a person removes just one card from the TOP of the pile, the whole thing can collapse. Which is why pretrib teachers don’t dare to even suggest they could be wrong on even one little subpoint! Don’t you feel sorry for the straitjacket they are in? While you’re mulling all this over, Google “Pretrib Rapture Dishonesty” for a rare behind-the-scenes look at the same 179-year-old fantasy.

    (I saw the above article on the internet – Patricia)

    Like

  5. Do you know what is sad. That you actually have to say “Dude! This is a satire site!”

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: