Hell-o

Things ye apostates have to look forward to as ye burn:

Issues you may encounter in hell as a(n)…

Aspie: Everyone will think you are rainman and speak to you in a slow patronising monotone. Everybody donates half their savings to autism speaks, and small specific interests about useless information are banned.

Athiest: You’re forced to attend Church and Temple every Friday and Sunday and read the Bible, Torah, and Qu’ran. Charles Darwin admits that evolution is a farce and Christians constantly say, “We told you so!” while you are being forced to have butt sex with squirrle monkeys and mutan retard fish babies.

American: Everyone constantly thinks you are an idiot. Every other week your gay Americans are forced to live in Harlem and your straight Americans are forced to live in San Fransisco, the other weeks you are all living in Europe where there is NO ICE IN YOUR DRINKS!!! You are also forced to eat British food (Ech!). You must also watch snakes on a plane over and over and over. There are also no forks, spoons, or knives in Hell, so you are forced to eat with chopsticks.

You finally understand…

Black American: Kanye West is now your spokesman, and you are snatched from your home, put onto a tiny ship with thousands of other people, (many of them dead) it smells really bad, you are fed %^&%^ foods, and you end up in a terrible place where you are forced to work for mean people 24/7, and you constantly get whipped/hurt/raped really badly. Barack Obama gets overthrown by the KKK and is lynched.

Australian: Aboriginals have absolute power, no buildings, no politics, no education, no nothing. As well as this all alcohol has been replaced with the $%^^&$% flavour sensation of VB. The Sydney Opera house collapses eliminating your only real landmark, AFL is banned, the English defeat you in every sport for all eternity. And worst of all Dale Thomas has had a haircut! General lack of large meaty animals. Women are in abundance.

Austrian: Adolf Hitler is Chancellor. The only beverage is Austrian white wine.

Belgian: You will be forced to endure questions from American tourists about where you keep your waffles and Brussels sprouts.

Brazilian: Everyone thinks you are a wild, tropical animal.

British: Irish terrorists set off bombs in dustbins all the time, you are forced to repeatedly write out your life story… using American spelling. Bitter is banned, only lager is allowed to be sold in bars and pubs. Everyone makes comments about how terrible the British weather is. Roadsigns are in neither English nor Welsh but are written in Arabic and Hindi. The dress code is tartan, you are made to end every sentence with “och”, “ach” or “aye.”

Bulgarian: Everyone thinks you are Soviets.

Canadian: America now borders the south AND north, and you share the same leader, people constantly ask you if you are American. Hell administration doesn’t have Canada in their list, so you have to be listed as American, and your Hell ID says that you are an American. French Canadian: Nothing is printed in your language, Frenchie.

Chinese: Everything asks you if you are Japanese. The world undergoes a global rice famine.

Costa Rican: You have to travel for around 30 hours to find that you were given directions to the Puerto Rican hell. You will have to work for rich Colombian and Nicaraguan families as gardener, maid, or window cleaner.

Cuban: Fidel Castro is immortal and you can’t take a raft across the ocean of hot lava for asylum.

Danish: Americans think you’re edible and your forced to dance in original folk costume for eternity.

Dominican: People think you are Puerto Rican and beat you with pipes.

Dutch: Beer is nowhere to be found. Drugs, cigarettes, coffee shops, coffee, smart shops, smart coffee shops, cats, glade brand aerosol air fresheners, cough syrup, prostitutes, severe head injuries, and hairs from Dick Cheney’s anus are strictly forbidden under penalty of catapult. Thus, the GDP of Amsterdam’s beloved red light district is reduced by 1,000,000,000,000,000%. Windmills fall into disrepair. Spoiled European, North American, and Asian teenagers resort to finding themselves by cutting open their own chest cavities with a rusty chainsaw.

Emo: Twilight is non-existant, Hot Topic is out of business and Goth kids constantly mock you.

Femminist: Men completely rule everything. You are forced to work, tend to, and wait hand and foot on every man. Femminist literature is non existant and you have ‘PROPERTY OF MEN’ tattoed on your forehead.

Filipino: All cellphone coverage will be destroyed. You will have no cellphone signal whatsoever. All cellphones will be in possession of the government. There will be no more social networking and photo sharing sites, and all instant messaging platforms are gone, which means you cannot excessively whore yourself in front of the Internet anymore when you look like the end of your grandmother’s asshole. Basketball is now banned and playing it will result in heavy lynching. McDonalds and Jollibee are gone. All K-Pop songs and all Koreans in television are dead. You finally realize you will never be as good as them. Lady GaGa finally admits that she is a man. Rice will be nonexistent.

Finnish: Everybody mistakes you for a Swede. All Americans believe Finland is a former Soviet republic. Your mother’s pimp is from Somalia.

French: You are dressed in a striped shirt, beret, moustache, and string of onions for eternity. Every second day your face is painted and you lose the ability to speak.

German: Everyone around you will make comments about World War II and you will be force fed American coffee.

Goth: Everyone thinks your Emo and the only music that plays is My Chemical Romance and Taylor Swift.

Greek: Everyone thinks you are Turkish. Everyone asks you about Plato, Alexander the Great, Aristotle, Pythagoras, etc.

Homosexual: Men: Gay marriage is illegal everywhere and you can only become “Butt Buddies” and you have to watch football for eternity. Women: Flannel shirts and Doc Martins are outlawed, your forced to wear skirts and heels and everyone calls you ‘Sir’.

Icelandic: You are forced to watch “Lazytown” for eternity.

Irish: The only thing you can say to everyone is “Top of the morning to you!” in a bad Irish accent and you will be forced to sit outside the pub, looking in at the crowd and to top it all, the British rule the whole of Ireland again.

Indian:You will have to submit to every whim of the British,eat their salt(and spit),and talk about only violence,mentioning Mahatma Gandhi in every sentence.

Israeli: The hummus is all imported from the US but the beer is still Israeli. AIPAC occasionally questions your actions. While there is a bus available to leave, it is always Saturday and the Orthodox are in charge of transportation.

Italian: The only coffee is from McDonald’s. The padrone says you have to kill your son. Venice completely sinks into the ocean of lava.

Japanese: You walk into a store to find out that all of the manga has been replaced with D.C and Marvel Comics and the anime has been switched with Disney and Warner Bros. cartoons and SpongeBob. Toyota, Honda, and Mutsubishi go out of business.

Jewish: Bagels are only available with butter, the only thing on TV is Mel Gibson’s “The Passion” and you will be constantly approached by the most beautiful models, only to watch them all leave after your mother disapproves of them.

Klansmen: No white people, no Christians and everyone is gay, black, and Jewish. The price of white cloth is sky rocketing. Intelligence is much in demand. Your cousin Laura Lee is not here.

Liberal: Everyone drives Hummers and SUV’s, abortion is outlawed and your forced to eat fast food and are forced into slavery by The Man.

Luxembourgan: Everyone thinks you are short and stabs you in the eye with a hot poker. (the real average height of a Luxembourgan male is 5 foot 9 just for your information)

Mexican: H1N1 is renamed “Mexican Flu” by the World Health Organization. The United States finally builds a wall, and Catholics become an oppressed minority.

Mormon: Everyone isn’t dressed up to sell those books of Mormon, also lots of coffee drinking, women not wearing dresses that end below the knee and children swearing like young male sailors running about.

Muslim: The border police are American, the police are British and everyone else is Jewish. All of the world’s oil disappears from the Middle East and reappears in America, Britain, and Italy. People start to question whether a religion of over a billion people can really be the victim of that much oppression.

North Korean (Normal people): Like Zimbabweans, they already live in Hell and can only go to heaven. (Kim-il Sung): Your country is successfully invaded by America. It becomes an American colony, your government is replaced by Capitalism and Democracy, and you are publicly humiliated by the American army in front of all your people, showing them you are not an omnipotent god after all.

Norwegian: You must dress as a Viking. You are a Swede. Euronymous is your leader.

Pakistani: You will either be sent back to Pakistan (peace be upon you) or to Guantanamo Bay indefinitely for no reason.

Palestinian: Everybody you meet will be Israeli and there will be no rocks or cameras should you try to fight them.

Peruvian: You are turned into a llama.

Portuguese: People constantly think you’re Spanish.

Preppy: Clothes only come in black latex and chains. Everyone calls you lame and the only movie you can watch is Hellraiser and the only music is Marilyin Manson.

Romanian: What? This is heaven for them. Unless you’re a Gypsy.

Russian: You must watch as your country is conquered. By France.

San Marinonese: Hell is like heaven to them. They think you have a castle.

Saudi Arabian (Men): You strap a bomb to your chest and blow yourself up, only to find that you don’t get virgins for your sacrifice; only grapes (Women): Already in Hell; they get a one-way ticket to heaven.

Serbian: No room for the Serbian people, all those Croatians, Slovenians, Bosnian Muslims, Macedonians, Kosovars, Montenegrins and Vojvodinan Hungarians have taken up all the room for people from the former Yugoslavia, Serbs get a one-way ticket to heaven.

Slavic: Everyone asks you about Dracula and Werewolves and all literature and film is replaced with Twilight.

South African:(Black): Apartheid is back. (White): Apartheid is back, except this time the blacks are oppressing the whites. Welcome to Zimbabwe.

South Korean: You are forced to pay for computer programmes.

Soviet Russian: In Soviet Russian hell, Capitalism runs YOU!

Spanish: Everybody speaks Catalan and you have to watch Catalonia and the Basque Country run their own country and your government.

Sweden: Everyone thinks you’re blonde and like to eat meatballs and lutefisk. Somebody stole your walking helmet.

Swiss: You are constantly harassed by American comparing you to swiss cheese. Switzerland enters a war, loses miserably, and Geneva is destroyed in the process.

Turkish: Everyone you meet will be Kurdish or Greek.

Vatican: You are repeatedly artificially inseminated, only for the fetus to be aborted.

Vietnamese: Your country is still a colony of France and America repeatedly invades Vietnam to help the French suppress the communist uprisings. They always win.

Zimbabwean: (Normal People), Like North Koreans, they are already in hell, so they can only go to heaven. (Robert Mugabe): All farms are returned to people who can farm them, a British person walks alive through Harare, and the Zimbabwe Dollar becomes worth something.

Metal head: The only music available is pop and rap. You are forced to listen to the repitition forever.

Gangstas: The only music available is metal, no drugs are available, fire-arms don’t exist, and everyone around you is racist.

Politician(Republican): You spend eternity in a doctor’s waiting room full of poor minorities because health care has been nationalized, your estate tax is raised to subsidize gay marriages and after two terms of record approval ratings Barack Obama hands over the reins of power to President Al Franken. People will also start asking you to clearly define the word, “socialism.” Personal ownership of guns is also completely relinquished.

Politician(Democrat): California and New York are demoted to the status of non-voting territories, cigarettes and incomes over $200,000 are no longer taxed, all Department of Education funds are sent directly to charter schools and while you actually control 80% of both houses of Congress all your legislation and Supreme Court nominations fail. After Barack Obama gives up and returns to his native Kenya, President Joe Biden decides to give daily press conferences himself without relying on a teleprompter.

Uncyclopedia Hell: You can only access articles by noobs marked “No Redeeming Value” AND you are unable to edit them! You can write your own articles, but there is a mandatory minimum of ten references in MLA format.

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9 Responses to Hell-o

  1. It was a really nice theme! Just wanna say thank you for the selective information you have fanned. Just continue publishing this kind of post. I will be your patriotic reader. Thanks again.

    Like

  2. Arthur McJohn says:

    Jumping out of character, now it is my turn:

    Colombia: Hugo Chávez is ruling the northern Southamerica. Shakira and Juanes don’t exist, so you are forced to listen fine colombian rock like Ultrágeno, Superlitio or 1280 almas (unless you are metal head or at least a rocker guy; then you are forced to listen tropipop for all eternity). All colombian models and actresses are not existant and Bolivian women are now the most beautiful in all Latinamerica.

    Like

  3. brambonius says:

    We DO have ice in our drinks here in europe!!!

    And you better ask tallskinnykiwis daughters where to find belgian waffles here in antwerp… They seemed to know better than me when they visited. And the brussels sprouts are in the refirgerator. You want me to send some?

    Like

    • donjobson says:

      Egads you bluff about iced drinks—our esteemed blind Research Robot Monkeys saw no ice in Uryop and they never lie because we never lie. We are inerrant in spinning the truth our Absolute Truth ways.

      Like

  4. Espresso Makers…

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  7. […] Hell is a “real place” we have  Absolute Proof. God’s Inerrant and Holy Infallible Word the Bible proclaims that Hell is a “real place.” Certainly the English word Hell isn’t a translation of several different Hebrew and Greek words—all of which have several distinct meanings of different concepts, one of which is a garbage dump in Jerusalem. […]

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