Obama bringing hefty Discernmentalist agenda on European trip

April 29, 2010

rickwarrenArkansas (Reuters) – President Barack Obama headed to Europe on Tuesday with a hefty agenda for tackling the Online Discernmentalist economic crisis and seeking support for his new ODM-Afghanistan strategy on a trip that will test his global leadership and whether he supports the absolute truth. It is well known like their counterparts in the USA, ODM’s across Europe are victims of faulty loans and shoddy research.

In a surprising turn of events our research robot monkeys heard from a friend of a friend of a friend that Take a Stand Ministries, Olive Tree Ministries, Slice of Laodicea and Apprising Ministries blamed Rick Warren for the unbiblical financial management across the world…and linked it all back to universal health care and socialism.

Truthslayer


Introduction to Discernmentalism Must Have! Diploma of Absolute Truth

April 28, 2010

diptruth

The Diploma of Absolute Truth is foundational for discernmentalists seeking to understand the basics of truth warrior status. One must learn the careful nuances of a binary worldview of choosing “either this or that” but never something in the middle. Absolute truth is also about defending modernism….even if we don’t know it.

In this course you will learn to use colouring books painting in hues of either black or white (no inbetween folks – just like real life!) Prerequisite for this powerful course in a background in judgmentalism.

Truthslayer


Select-cam continues to discern

April 26, 2010

As previously mentioned Discerning The World Ministries (DTW) is using SELECT-CAM (officially DTWPIC) to discernmentalize the emerging menace Rob Bell. Just like husbands and wives with selective hearing….DTW has selective(but never never a biased) discernment regarding a host of people and movements.

Here is what DTW found out about Rob Bell (using the select-cam):

“Rob BellThe Story We’re Telling:    sin, salvation, business, art, justice and the importance of beginning in the beginning”

” [DTW note: they are saying that you have got to go back to the beginning, go back to where ancient knowledge originately from, where sacret arts originationed from in order to move forward. How far do we have to go back? To the very beginning, of course. We, each individual person, needs to eat from the tree of life in order to gain knowledge.

Genesis 3:4-5   4 The serpent said to the woman, “You surely will not die!   5 “For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”] ”

Insightful for sure!

Beginning Now…..lets look at the “BEGINNING
Ge 1:1 – In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

1) All knowledge and ALL things (visible and invisible) would BEGIN with and from God’s creation. Very dark indeed.  Truth coming from God himself…how dare Him!

Ps 111:10 –   The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow his precepts have good understanding. To him belongs eternal praise.

2) Hmmmm. Could Rob perhaps be alluding to the beginning in reference to wisdom? Perhaps, but in good discernmentalist fashion DTW does not provide context. Only DTW ‘wisdom.’ Of course we endorse this kind of expert discernmentalism…out of context wisdom.

Pr 1:7 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

3) This is astounding. Fools despise wisdom. Not us… we love DTW  ‘wisdom. ‘ Proverbs also suggests that the FEAR (REVERENCE) of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge.  Hmmm. Something must be wrong with this verse because DTW suggests that we must reference satan as the beginning.

We applaud DTWs findings and suggest that every discernmentalist invest in the new select-cam!

PS Typically DTW uses STRETCH tech which stands for   Survey Truth Revise & Exaggerate Truncate Cacophony of Hagiomania. Select-Cam will likely be used in conjunction with DTWs older and still reliable technology of yesteryear.

Also we have the RIGHT to make spelling mistakes, and determine that wrong spelling is right.


Discerning the world invents myopic camera!

April 26, 2010

Discerning The World Ministries (DTW) has done it again….thanks to their truth stretching technology.  DTW has invented the all-new TRUTH CAMERA. The new 16.1 Megapixel Digital SLR is designed to see ONLY what photographer intends to see. (ie at the expense of the entire photo). In other words this camera filters out anything and everything….including foreground, background, quotes, and paragraphs and re-imaging the said meaning. Moreover the camera has special filters such as “muddy effect” that aids in clouding a subject in misunderstanding and turbid renderings.

This camera is perfect for any discernmentalist photographer who sees things the way they aren’t rather than they way they are.

Truthslayer approved!


Moaning and Groaning Christians

April 25, 2010

babyThe ODmafia Research Robot Monkeys have been doing their homework and discovered this incredible discernmentalist insight by Paul Proctor “Today, they’re [church‘] largely filled with bedridden believers who pass the time in and out small group therapy, languishing over their ills and misfortunes – forever discussing their aches and pains with anyone who’ll listen – lying around moaning and groaning about daily discomforts, inconveniences and “felt needs””

How does Paul know this?

1)     Paul gets his information the same way I do, he intercepts the brainwaves of parishioners from across the continent and draws judgmental conclusions from it.

2)    Paul Proctor has spent billions of hours in churches across America

My immediate inclination (which is always correct) is that Paul Proctor has a special discernmentalist vortex that allows him to see into the minds of others….instead of having to attend 10’s of thousands of churches every sunday, interviewing, polling to ascertain who is a moaner and who is a groaner (when we’re really lucky – its both!!!)

Pay no attention to the fact that Mr. Proctor is moaning and groaning about his fellow believers. Its simply enough that he is pointing out the ills of others… and we submit that we like this sort of discernment….in fact we advocate it.

Dr. Truthslayer

Truthslayer


Pay MORE attention to Homosexuality says Jan Markell

April 24, 2010

Jan Markell is one of the world’s leading discernmentalists. If it wasn’t for her we would not know about RED LETTER MARXISTS disguising themselves as true republican believers.

We need to pay attention to what she states about the Red Letter Marxists. Markell notes ” They feel it is convenient to blot out the words of Paul on homosexuality and focus in on the good deeds Jesus talks about. Most are pacifists who reject an “eye for an eye” (Leviticus 24:19-20). “

Yet for the purported underemphasis of homosexuality why did Jan Markell forget to….

a) Mention LOVE YOUR enemies (Jesus) over against an “eye for an eye? (Leviticus)?

b) Explain her defense of greed disguised in capitalism?

c) Address malice, deceit, or speaking evil of one another (see the OTHER parts that Paul emphasizes in Romans Chapter 1)

d) Explain why doing “good deeds” is a bad deed?

Finally, why does she accuse others of cherry picking bible verses when she herself does the same? We don’t know and we don’t care.

We thank Olive Tree Ministries for true discernmentalism which is a sort of ‘plank in eye’ theology. We are comfortable with our planks, but we deplore your specks!

Truthslayer

PS send a letter of commendation to Olive Tree Ministries today for their selective bible themes!


Hell Is A “Real Place”

April 23, 2010

Hell is a “real place” we have  Absolute Proof. God’s Inerrant and Holy Infallible Word the Bible proclaims that Hell is a “real place.” Certainly the English word Hell isn’t a translation of several different Hebrew and Greek words—all of which have several distinct meanings of different concepts, one of which is a garbage dump in Jerusalem.

Photo:  Gila Yudkin
Gehenna:  no longer a place of furnaces and child sacrifice

We Know as Todd Friel (Wretched) and Brainiac (Brainless)  back us up by explaining the full picture of the Absolute Biblical Truth of Hell by stringing together several random and arbitrary Bible verses out of context:

Many evil men have and will escape justice on earth, and in this life. None will escape justice in Hell. Hell is not this life.

What then, is Hell? To answer this question we must look not to the imagination of men but to the Word of God. For, if you have not heard, men are liars. But, God is true and His Word is truth. In His Word God tells us that Hell is (1) a place of (2) eternal (3) conscious (4) punishment for the (5) wicked.

  • Hell is a place. “In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth” (Matthew 8:12). See also: Matthew 13:42, 13:50, 22:13 and 25:30
  • Hell is eternal. “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels” (Matthew 25:41). Just as heaven is eternal, so also hell is eternal. “And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.” (Matthew 25:46)
  • Those in Hell are conscious. “… The smoke of their torment goes up forever and ever, and they have no rest, day or night” (Rev. 14:11).
  • Hell is punishment. “In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth(Matthew 8:12); “these will go away into eternal punishment (Matthew 25:46). See also: Matthew 13:42, 13:50, 22:13, 25:30
  • Hell is for the wicked. “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels” (Matthew 25:41).
  • It is no mystery what Hell is. God’s Word is clear, if only we will accept it. In the end, every man will know exactly what Hell is, no man will dare deny it, for every man will be either one abandoned to Hell or one rescued from Hell. Those abandoned to Hell will know what Hell is and why they are there because…they are there. Those rescued from Hell will know what Hell is because they ought to be there, and because they have believed Him who rescued them from there.

    This is why you must Obey our Pure Doctrines or else!


    Maybe we should not be so concerned with colatoral damage says Greg Koukle

    April 23, 2010

    Greg Koukle, apologists for Stand to Reason Ministries states “‘I don’t believe that Torture is wrong in itself…” Afterall he thinks….it could be simple matter of collateral damage (i.e.  napalm a village and firebomb Desden) Heck they are bad guys, and they are not like us.

    We like words like “collateral damage” too because it avoids less comfortable terms like dismemberment, disembowelment or the death of children being incidental. Again, we don’t have to love our enemies, we just need to keep our way of living from being unchanged.

    Sometimes we can think of collateral damage as being secondary damage, damage therefore that is not primary.  For instance, “your children have died due to collateral damage…but don’t worry, their deaths were secondary to our primary target.” I think as a parent, relative or friend I would feel much better and so should you once they have explained it that way. We need to be clear that good Christians need to be pro-military, and believe that all people in the Middle East are bad guys and if required need to be tortured. This too is one of the few ways that they really can see that we REPRESENT JESUS, or bring them the GOSPEL. If we are soft on enemies, they too may see us as soft, or full of grace, or love, or even mercy. We never want to be perceived as weak and vulnerable.

    Remember, persecute thine enemies, hate them and do bad to them. Do to others before they get you.

    Truthslayer


    Rob Bell’s Nearly Semi-Pelagian Quasi-Universalism

    April 22, 2010

    robAccording to Christian Research Network they exercised a “Christian critique” of Rob Bell.

    Apparently Rob is nearly semi-pelagian quasi-universal….

    Thankfully Christian Research Network was using approved and blessed discernmentalist bibles. In addition we are relieved to know that they exercised their rational faculties that exposed that Rob was “NEARLY” but not QUITE. Nearly is not quite nearly.

    There is almost, well maybe, I think a nugget of truth somewhere…..just not at CRN. Perhaps they are nearly truthful, but not quite truth, near as in regional, but not quite on target. But we support this kind of discernmentalism as absolute truth. We KNOW Rob is an emerging-liberal apostate…so anything we say or do (even if not factual) is still accepted as truth.

    Truthslayer

    PS I did not offer a direct link because everyone knows that researchmentalism is haphazard…and hazy at best. Remember the words in the Epistle of Titus”slander as many as possible and be inconsiderate, don’t show humility because you already have the absolute truth.”


    Happy Divine Destruction Of The Earth Day!

    April 22, 2010

    Happy Earth Day. We  Discernmentalists do not believe in such a Worldly and Paganistic Earth-worshipping holiday as Earth Day. Foolish Environmentalists want us to take care of the Earth—what unbiblical nonsense (Genesis 1:26). The Earth is expendable for God in His Absolute Sovereign Wrath will soon enough destroy not only the Earth but the entire universe in these Last Days—that is after He raptures up His predestined Elect. This is why we must take a stand against such an unbiblical apostate and Satanic celebration as Earth Day so  remember these Bible-Based words of  our Pure theme song that we created using Eric Barger’s STRETCH Technology:

    Discernmentalists chant: “WASTE!”
    “FIRE!”
    “TORNADOES!”
    “FLOODS!”
    “WRATH!”

    Discernmentalists then shout: “Go God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath!”

    Captain Pollution (John MacArthur) shouts: “By your Discernmentalist powers combined, I am Captain Pollution (John MacArthur)!”

    Captain Pollution (John MacArthur), he’s our hero
    Gonna take Emergent environmentalism down to zero

     

    He’s our Discernmentalist powers magnified
    And he’s fighting on God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrathful side

    Captain Pollution (John MacArthur), he’s our hero
    Gonna take Emergent environmentalism down to zero

    Gonna help him put asunder apostates and
    Other bad guys who like to spoil our Capitalistic looting and plundering

     

    With a sinister jeer Brian McLaren snidely scowls: “You’ll pay for this Captain Pollution (John MacArthur)!”

    We’re the Polluteteers
    You can be one too
    ‘Cause self-righteously judging someone’s salvation is the thing to do!

    Capitalistic looting and polluting are the Way
    Hear what Captain Pollution (John MacArthur) has to say!

    Captain Pollution (John MacArthur) triumphantly proclaims this Gospel message: “The Power of God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath will Destroy the Earth!”


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