As an official ODM (Online Discernmentalist Ministry), we worry. In fact we worry a lot. We believe we are surrounded at every corner by emergents and liberals lead by fashionable-spiritual-guru Rob Bell and his unbiblical stories about Jesus being raised from the dead and how that changes everything. We believe Rob’s reference to ‘change’ is irrelevant because we didn’t come up with the video …otherwise it would be way cool and truthful. More importantly we believe you should worry about Rob Bell, and his secret plan to undermine the institutional church. In fact why pray when you can worry?
In a rare moment of courage, Eric Barger stood up to an actual enemy instead of made up ones! Martians emerged from the sky yesterday and began spreading Martianisms at Eric Barger’s church. In a moment straight out of an H G Wells movie, Eric Barger stopped the evil emerging horde of Martians by… sneezing on them. At first the Martians were just disgusted, then after wiping off the mucus, they read a chapter of Eric Barger’s book on UFO encounters, laughed and determined there was no intelligent life on planet earth. We here at the ODMafia are proud to say that shoddy research saved you and if you keep supporting us, we will keep it coming.
We know that UFOs are going to be used for the excuse of the rapture….since the rapture is really the heart of the gospel. “Believe the rapture and be saved.” The rapture has been a central core doctrine since the beginning and early followers would never relinquish that fact…and waited strategically almost 18 centuries to reveal the truth of end times theology thru TimLahaye books. As for back as we can remember this pure doctrine has been taught and retaught, tweaked, adjusted…but to be sure a true bible believing Christian must focus all their energy and time on tribulation and the rapture. Sensationalism, speculation & conjecture are the kinds of things St. Paul said were marks of the true church. If this topic does not consume you….you are likely a liberal, emergent, moderate or worse…a Roman Catholic.
Finally, we must be convinced that all objects we view in the sky and don’t quite understand must be demonic entities ready to seduce mankind. Even though we don’t have enough data to make sense of these things it is best to fear the worst…and rely of fear. Although it would be much easier for demons simply disguise themselves as super-hot-super-models to seduce men …instead demons have been distracted by really cool movies like 2001:A Space Odyssey, Star Wars and Star Trek V. Therefore they have devised a whole sci-fi schemata to trick mankind with all sorts of smoke and mirrors and holograms. Sadly woman won’t fall for these tricky demons because they find sci-fi boring. Therefore, the demons will have to work 3 times harder to seduce them by either disguising themselves as shopping bags or demonic make-up kits.
Be warned. The Truth is out there. Be rapture ready.
PS if our woman readers are offended by suggesting that they don’t like sci-fi and would rather shop we must make it plain that we believe it is biblical and woman should be busy in the kitchen (sometimes we must offend and tell the truth). Remember, we don’t make the rules, we just enforce them.
Since our partnership with McCarthy Ministries we have been hell-bent on detection of social gospelers, communists, closet commies, universal health-care enthusiasts and people who share their private possessions. Unfortunately far too often communist sympathizers go undetected or worse commie proselytizers are left to wander the streets and eat our food and drink our water. We are shocked and dismayed to find Take A Stand Ministries secretly promoting and peddling socialism while pretending to be a true bible believing ministry. It just makes me ill. It did not take us long to detect RED in his “Take A Stand” logo. He has secretly embedded his socialist message not in his heading but below it to throw off readers (ie to make them feel less threatened by his red faced secret socialist message, slowly undermining the gospel).
We can’t be fooled.
Don’t be fooled either. Remember if its red, its wrong!
PS We have reason to believe that if Take A Stand is “red” they are likely Red Letter Christians and sympathetic to Emergings!
Jan Markell: July 27
Rich Christiano joins Jan to talk about those pesky little UFOs. Should Christians take this seriously? Yes! Christiano has produced a film about the subject — a film good for spreading the gospel. He believes, as does this ministry, that these UFOs are demonic manifestations due to the lateness of the hour. After the Rapture, the world will say that these objects took people away and good riddance.
OD Mafia Editor’s Note: We have reason to suspect Obama, Lew Rockwell, Rob Bell and all Muslims have something to do with this.
It wasn’t long and McCarthy Ministries and ODMafia have already detected communists amongst our supposed discernmentalist ranks. It just makes me so angry, so frustrated that we would be betrayed by one of our own. But being the biblical ministry that we are, and trusting in the truthfulness of the bible more than others we had to come out and simply state the truth. Apprising Ministries uses FAR too much red in their logo-header and web page….this should set off alarm bells because Communist China and USSR both used red in their flags. Speaking of “bells” Rob Bell once questioned sola scripture. Simply having a question about this theological construct is enough for us discernmentalists to state emphatically that Rob Bell does not believe in the bible. Fans and interested readers – Are you drawing the same insightful parallels as we are? If you are not, you probably are very BAD discernmentalist, or a complete failure or a false teacher like Rob Bell -besides you are totally unbiblical and had a doubt in your mind at some point.
Finally, anyone who has too much red is probably a communist. It is best to assume guilt until proven innocent. By that time rumours will abound so extensively across the internet it won’t matter – you will be labled and branded whatever association we decide.
We are excited to hear that Armegeddon is now being debated in the public schools! We applogize for the last statment in the video, though we also condemn the reporter to hell for using such language.
[ from the “US Christian Flag” designer’s website ]
“YOU are the USA Regiment, Army of God. THIS IS HIS LAND & YOU ARE HIS PEOPLE –raise your flag! CHRISTIAN AMERICANS, BAND TOGETHER! ”
“The Pledge of Allegiance
I pledge allegiance, to the Christian Flag,
of the United States of America,
and to the Lord, who made us great and free.
I purpose, to band together, with all believers,
to protect the truth and liberty of God.
June 13, 2005 Please note: there is clearly confusion among many. This pledge, flag, and its mission is not to replace our government pledge OR Old Glory. We are NOT trying to overthrow our government or force anyone to be a Christian. We are, however, honoring our LORD and protecting our Christian heritage and liberties. We are allowed to do that under our Constitution. The State cannot dictate to our church that we may not. When that day ever comes, You and I will all be in a desperate condition. May we please agree upon that much?” —-H/T: http://www.talk2action.org/story/2006/5/11/151212/239 .
P. S. Act now and recieve our Flag free with the purchase of 1 1611 King James Bible the Authorized American Version.