Interview with a vampire (heretic)

February 29, 2008

glass-of-water.jpg

The good people over at CRN have done it again!  Just when I thought they had exhausted their sizable reach, they turn up yet another article about Brian McLaren (heretic).  How do they do it?  Their staff must consist of literally tens of people searching through news journals, newspapers and the internet to find stories that mean something to me.  Well done CRN!

Now on to the article.  If you take the time to read it, and I mean with the discernmentalist eye, you will find heretical remarks all through Brian McLaren’s (heretic) comments.  First he says that Jesus would use a Blackberry?  Are you kidding me?  Jesus is God and God doesn’t need a puny electronic device to remember what he is going to do.  So Brian McLaren (heretic) is mocking our Lord.  Also, he says that Jesus would be concerned with the planet and homeless people.  As John MacArthur points out,

 “That salt and light are not moral influence, but gospel witness and the power of holy living. They always say well, we have to be salt and light, we have to be salt and light, have to be salt and light. Well, the imagery of Jesus in the sermon on the mount with regard to salt and light is the image of the shining forth of truth. That’s the light. And the preservative of godly living. We are light when we proclaim the light, and manifest our good works. That’s what He says. And glorify our Father who is in heaven. And we are salt when we are a preservative, because of the virtue and the godliness of our lives.”

In another place John MacArthur states it this way;

“He (Jesus) did not seek social change.”

 To quote C. H. Spurgeon Himself;

“Well, it is the tendency of the times to decry preaching, but it is “the foolishness of preaching” which is to change the world.”

 In Other words Jesus didn’t come to change the world or to worry about the homeless (paraphrase is mine).  So how can Brian McLaren (heretic) sit there and tell us to take care of the homeless.  Not only that, but he contradicts his whole emerging thought process by saying he wouldn’t give someone money, just talk to him and love him.  I thought you cared for the homeless Brian!

I will wrap this up with my views.  It is up to Ken Silva to keep this heretic’s schedule in the forefront of our minds.  I personally don’t want to go to a bookstore and run into him.  That would make me feel dirty.  And all you who know the TRUTH know that Brian McLaren (heretic) is a heretic and so he is not allowed to say anything about Jesus.  As CRN rightly points out, “he probably doesn’t even know the Lord.”  And how could you when you are more worried about the planet, the homeless, poverty, world peace and religious understanding, then pointing out other people’s sins?  This is a no-brainer people! 

I am glad God didn’t make me like them!

Dr. Seymore Spurgeon


Breaking: Emergents now attacking Truth Warriors with Psychic Powers!

July 24, 2019

epsych

Oh the horror! Recently one of our Research Robot Monkeys noted that Emergents are now hiring psychics in a last ditch effort to undermine the Absolute Truth and Certainty of the Truth Wars. We here at the ODMafia can’t say we didn’t see this coming from a mile away as we know Emerging emergers love their mystical webs of confusion. Emergents also love Mystery over Certainty as well as coffee; candles and couches—but they’ve yet to be observed in the presence of garlic. We also have reason to suspect that these Emerging vampires have merged with Mothra feminists in order to ramp up their newly found psychic abilities in order to assault unsuspecting Truth Warriors in the field of battle for our Truth. Other noted ODMs are now in the midst of battling for our Truth—researchmentalizing new techniques in Spiritual Warfare to curb these assaults.


The Silva Bullet!

April 27, 2019

sil1

Introducing the long lost last film to star our dearly departed affectionate Uncle and Pastor-Teacher the ever-Apprising Ken Silva: SILVA BULLET.  A Aperising Pictures  Production of Apprising Films recently relocated—found safely hidden within our super secret archives deep within the bowels of our secret lair: the Truth Bunker.  Now newly remastered with help from GOIP Productions and including a special Anime version of Ken’s life and commentary by our very own Dr. I. Todyaso.

Tagline: “You’ll laugh…you’ll cry…you’ll be thoroughly “Apprised!” 

Summary— SILVA BULLET begins with our hero Uncle Pure Teacher (Ken Silva) having to discernmentalize between two emerging werewolf cases. Now  there are two categories of emerging werewolf cases; ‘false’ or Emerging Disorder cases and Genuine emerging cases:

  • Emerging Disorder is a mental condition in which the subject (called Emergent) believes that he or she is a emerging Christian. The subject does not actually change shape, but is nevertheless capable of being as dangerous as an actual werewolf. Most cases of supposed werewolfry are really the works of emerging victims.
  • Emerging TO BEAST In real werewolves a physical change to wolf form does occur. The change can be voluntary (at will), or can be forced by certain cycles of post-modernistic beliefs and certain songs (ie not ones approved by Apprising Ministries).
  • WEREWOLVES & EMERGING Werewolves are immune from Apprising Ministries and from most physical diseases due to the constant regeneration of their physical tissue. They can, therefore, be virtually immortal. However, they can be killed by a “Silva Bullet” carefully aimed at an Emerging Church member’s heart.

Non-emerging werewolves who have been mistaken for Emerging (ie Rob Bell) are said also to be immune to most physical diseases. It is suspected though that Rick Warren could be a vampire however, thanks to our discernmentalism we do not need hard evidence…we can peer into his mind if we concentrate hard enough to reveal his obvious vampirism or wolfery. The film ends with our hero Uncle Pure Teacher trying to “apprise” all the werewolves with his “Silva Bullet” until he succeeds in his mission of taking out the Super Emerging Werewolf: Brian McLaren—bringing an end to the Emerging/Emergent Church once and for all.

This film is 100% ODMafia and Truthslayer endorsed and meets our seal of approval.


Research robot monkeys reveal ” Anne Rice: ‘I Quit Being A Christian’

December 12, 2010

In a bold move, and all recorded by our research robot monkeys (with the Windows 7 upgrade) have revealed the following “Anne Rice, the bestselling novelist most popularly known for “Interview with the Vampire” and her other creepy vampire novels, announced on Wednesday via Facebook that she has officially renounced Christianity.”

The ODMafia research robot monkeys interviewed iTodyaso who insightfully noted ” I knew that she was all phony in the first place, as a matter of fact novelists are worldly and her hair-do was liberal.” Don Jobson stated emphatically ” We believe that she began reading Rob Bell, or NT Wright and that was the camel that broke the straws back.” When I (the mighty truthslayer was interviewed) I boldly and courageously attacked Anne Rich and her supporters – the liberal-media-elite  (which I like to refer to as LAMESTREAM MEDIA).

If this doesn’t make any sense….EITHER DO YOU!

Truthslayer

PS we believe the Addams Family photo (on the left) realistically depicts Anne Rice in a vampire relationship with a real life liberal Gomez.

PS PS we urge you to read the Huffington Post….slooooowly.


Twilight Of Emergent Idolatry: New Age Apostasy

December 10, 2009

Twilight Of Emergent Idolatry: New Age Apostasy is a sequel to the much beloved Tween Apostate classic of Emergent Babel, Twilight Of Emergent Idols. These Apostate films are based on the Emergent Twilight book series co-authored by a female Mormon false religionist and a bunch of Emergent heretics. A bunch of morons more like it! These films are spiritual confusing for sure! Why they even teach such confusing and postmodern Emergent ideas as: people have souls, there is good and evil in the world, “love conquers all,” redemption, wholesome values, etc.  Discernmentalists do not be fooled by these apostate values since this book series was written by heretics so therefore these anti-Biblical values are opposed to our core Discernmentalist values of  only the Elect have souls, the world is totally depraved, self-righteousness and war-mongering conquer all, wrath, etc.

We Know with Absolute Certainty these Absolute Truths! Todd Friel using Eric Barger’s Bible Based Selective Uncomprohensive Cherry-Picking Reading Machine has said of the newest installment in the Emergent Twilight series that it in fact promotes the false teaching of: “How to Tell God, ‘You’re not the Lord of me. I’ll do whatever I want’.” Yes we should fear and be paranoid of fictional books and films this much as True Truthwarriors. Anyways, the newest installment in the Emergent Twilight series—Twilight Of Emergent Idolatry: New Age Apostasy stars all your favorite Emergent heretics: Rob “Universalist” Bell, Phyllis Tickle “Your Ears” and Tony “I Have No Truth” Jones among others and Dakota Fanning whom these evil Emergents corrupt and turn into a contemplative Soul-sucking vampire.

Here was sweet little Dakota when she was a Bible-believing Southern Baptist:

And here is Dakota after those Evil Emergents kidnapped her and forced her to star in their sin-promoting movies—Hounddog, Twilight Of Emergent Idolatry: New Age Apostasy and now even more heretical movies:

Here Dakota is in an Emergent coven:

And the ensuing results of the evil Emergents’ spiritual apostasy are working on Dakota:

 

See the difference—We Do—Absolutely! This is why we Discernmentalists must warn you parents to never take your children to movies that we don’t approve of —because your children are too dumb to realize the fine lines between fantasy and reality—and Emergents blur them constantly. This is why we must set the standard for you and tell you to boycott Twilight Of Emergent Idolatry: New Age Apostasy and the like.


Menace spotted! Discernmentalists should be concerned….

November 9, 2009

vamp

In a startling turn of events Take A Stand Ministries (TSM) Bible Based Satellite System (BS) and Discerning the World’s (DTW)STRETCH spotted the following Emergent Robot Vampire menace….and possible sympathizers.

The ODMafia Research Robot Monkey’s were not on hand for any data collecting but we can trust the research of both of these ministries (TSM and DTW) to be accurate and true. It is possible that this could be a new type of liberal…but we will not speculate since we deal only in absolutes.

Should we not be concerned?

Please be aware of anyone in your church that look like appeasing suspects above, often wearing such apparel as plaid shirts and sporting shifty eyes (could be Canadian infiltrators.) Indeed look out for robots infiltrating YOUR church service with the above suit and tie (don’t be deceived!)

PS Discernmentalist insiders believe that this robot vampire may be an attempt to create a robot-vampire-version of Rob Bell (the facial expressions are uncannily life like.)


Take A Stand gives expert advice on spotting the Emergent Church

September 21, 2009

emerg

According to Eric Barger, ” Today, one doesn’t have to look far to see the spiritual disrepair that liberalism has left the denominations in. Because of the longstanding apostasy of the spiritual liberals [ but not spiritual conservatives, because we are untouchable], untold millions have already entered eternity without Jesus Christ – having previously believed that those entrusted with teaching them the Christian faith were doing so faithfully and authentically.”

ODMafia went on the prowl….we sent our research robot monkeys behind the scenes to find the authentic Emergent Church (EC). We discovered that the EC are actually eaters of human flesh and drinkers of blood, and a freakish cult who chat about being missionaries at work, at play about some dead dude who rose again from the grave. We didn’t want to get too close because we did not want to be the NEXT victims. So we used surveillance cameras, post-it notes, etch-a-sketch (to catch the likeness of these cultists) to capture the essence of what it is and means to be in enraptured by this spiritual liberalism.

What did we find? Vampires (just was we thought!), and werewolves… although none were transformed into these creatures but we could TELL by the shifty eyes that they were indeed emergent underlings. We also found the TERMINATOR who came back from the future to obviously destroy truth warriors and attack the true church.  This goes to show you just how far the EC will go to destroy the church!!!!

Moreover, we discovered some were vampire fans of the movie Twilight…..which clearly shows us what kind of people these Emergents are. We also sighted one emergent without hair….that’s right…BALD (another twisted emergent characteristic). How sick is that?????????

Among other  things that have been discovered (as suggested in previous posts)….we spotted couches, candles and sometimes left-over coffee cups (often left in the recycled bin which suggests that they are Earth worshipers). Surely this has new age undertones.

Beware folks! We take our research seriously….and so should you.

Truthslayer


Eric Barger’s spot on the Emergents

September 12, 2009

speak_outTruth warriors speak the truth….we don’t let facts get in the way of truth or our valiant efforts.

Here on this missive “How to Spot the Emergent Church” we read that emergents believe in….

* Experience over Reason

* Spirituality over Doctrine and Absolutes

* Images over Words

* Feelings over Truth

* Earthly Justice over Salvation

* Social Action over Eternity

…and finally to PROVE and AGREE with Eric Barger’s Take A Stand Ministry…here is a quote from one of the MOST dangerous, subversive, people to undermine the church rumoured to be perhaps a vampire / werewolf or human sacrificing liberal emergents…

” Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever” (Heb.13:8). He is the same Jesus now as He was in the Upper Room and as He appeared to Paul on the road to Damascus. He is the same Jesus as when Martin Luther nailed his ninety-five theses to the door of Castle Church in Wittenberg. He is the same Jesus as when the Enlightenment was in full force. Modern world, postmodern world, post-postmodern world…Jesus never changes. He is the reason for and the focus of all that we do. He is our anchor, no matter which direction the tide may be taking us.” – Dan Kimball

Be afraid folks be very afraid!!!!!

Why does the true Church allow such emergent liberal-weak-kneed-post-modern-anti-absolute-natural-fibre-wearing-non-sense to speak as Dan has?

We must come against this with absolute truth!


ZONDERVAN NATIONAL PASTORS CONFERENCE 2009 “A FESTIVAL OF FRUITLESS PSEUDO-CHRISTIANITY”

January 22, 2009

innovation3

 

Apprising Ministries always quick to get the story out noted the dark sinister ploys of the ZONERVAN NATIONAL PASTORS CONFERENCE 2009. Thankfully this year’s theme is entitled “A festival of Fruitless pseudo-Christianity” so that Apprising has to do little or no research whatsoever. Apprising states that there is an “annual Zondervan marketing blowout only thinly disguised as a gathering for pastors.” Apprising did further digging to discover that these faux pastors where actually created in a Pentagon lab through a multi-billion dollar black project in conjunction with Skunkworks.

 

Unfortunately, it is difficult to get to the truth – especially the absolute truth. Take a Stand Ministries (TSM) with the help of a bible – based satellite (BS) system was able to detect what they were doing in this subversive symposium. Using their BS they cited group prayer, silence and reflection and attendance at a chapel they could ultimately destroy the body of Christ at large. However, Take A Stand Ministries had developed a working theory that contradicted Apprising “Imagine if they begin to subvert the entire church with crazy ideas of self reflection, and silence and even prayer together… this is obviously diabolical – I bet Rob Bell is behind the curtain in conjunction with reverse vampires, sinners and the KGB.”  Stay tuned for more theories and solid news from The Online Discernmentalist Mafia.


%d bloggers like this: