October 26, 2019
We all belong together. So for the first time in history, our famous mascots and cereals are offered exclusively together in the same box for All Together Cereal. It’s a symbol of acceptance no matter how you look, where you’re from or who you love.
Oh the horror is there any object that doesn’t offend us or persecute us! This is worse than when fictional cartoon rats got ghey-married causing hetero-marriages to fail by osmosis! Noted Discernmentlist Ken Ham declared: “We are not “All together,” as the lifestyle/worldview of these fictional cereal mascots is anti-God, anti-biblical & anti-science and consists of only a small minority in the culture.” As my co-Truthwarrior Dr. Truthslayer has pointed out: “We demand that this cereal be stopped!!! We can only guess that some time soon they will introduce whole grain oats, barley, and maize to this liberal mix. Its processed whole-wheat or nothing!!!”
In fact we know this as one Kellogian stated: “Just think now KIDS might get the idea to buy 6 separate boxes of cereal, and mix them up on their own! Kellog’s is now working for the Devil! No more Kelloggs! They are evil, because any of their cereals might get mixed!!! Leading kids to proclaim: Hail Satan!” If this doesn’t make clear how unbiblical and apostate this cereal really is—consider this—our Research Robot Monkeys overheard this apostate cereal saying:
“Black, white, green, red
Can I take my friend to bed?
Pink, brown, yellow, orange, and blue
I love you”
We only wish that more inanimate objects; fictional characters; even animals would hold true to our morals; Doctrines and worldview. We have one word of caution—if you see this cereal in stores…flee!
To counteract this assault on our Truth—we recommend a daily dose of Calvin Crunch; Reformation Crunch; Truth Loops; Catacomb; and Christo-Fascist Flakes for a more Biblically-sound all around healthy breakfast and extra-protection from wetness!
June 24, 2019
Bibliophile in the midst of his sinister act
We’ve already apprised you on God’s Only Inerrant Party that while he was working with us on our de-sinned Arthur episode that Ray Comfort warned us that Bibliophiles are the latest threat in the atheist assault on Bible-Believers. “If you call any other Christian on this page a ‘bibliophile’ I will ban you. I thought it was just another atheist insult, a cross between pedophile and Bible.”—Ray Comfort. Its worse than that though as our Herescopes have discovered a more sinister definition of Bibliophiles that is not an atheist insult.
Recently our Research Robot Monkey spies using our Herescopes have observed a Bibliophile in the midst of the act that fits our newly discovered definition: “a book lover (most likely atheists ie. Disney) assaulting our children with strange books or their love of books. Librarians are also suspect in this.” [This is why we’ve forbidden our wives and children from going to the library or even looking at one (even our own Discernmentalist libraries)].
Mrs. Truthslayer and Mrs. Jobson wanted us to add that not only are these strange books but they are scary as well—after hearing us talk about some of these strange and heretical Emergent books we’ve been discernmentalizing. They have no other choice as they agree with us in our Doctrines. They contain such scary information that we can only flee in horror—fearing and quaking in terror from only briefly glancing at it. In fact our wives were heard screaming as they heard us talking about the spiritually terrorizing information contained within these apostate Emergent books—information such as:
- “I see the world through the images of Christianity, which teaches me that I encounter God in everyone I meet regardless of what they believe.”—Alan Jones
- “Since the church has been one of the main perpetrators of parental fear-mongering, it’s only fair we take up the cause of creating a culture of parenting that is less about what we don’t want for our children and more about what we do want.”—Doug Pagitt
We suspect this is part of the reason that Ray Comfort considers Bibliophile an atheist insult. We too consider it an insult after researchmentalizing this vulgar word even further which is why we had to add it to the Second Volume of our Discermentalist Dictionary. Setting the record straight we Online Discernmentalists thankfully are not—I repeat not Bibliophiles—let alone book-lovers but we do love our Bible! On a related note: we’re now offering a special sale on some of our favorite Discernmentalist books.
Books we especially love most of all:
- Truth Wars: Fighting for our certainty in an age of deception (the book that stared it all)
- Hell best kept secrets (taught us fear and guilt evangelism)
April 4, 2011
Ladies, Gentleman, and Underlings, we knew that the fallout from the Rob Bell heretical view of non-hell was going to undermine the truth of scripture and lead many astray (sorry for the lack of grammatical clarity but we are so upset over this news we can’t use punctuation properly) but never did we imagine the magnitude of the fallout. Nor did we imagine the swiftness in which the Devil was going to lead people astray. Nor did we think that our leadership would fall.
What’s the big news?
Hold on to your phylacteries, bathe in holy water, hide the eyes of the innocent, and prepare the millstones: R.C. Sproul (a.k.a second in charge [behind John McArthur PBUH] of calvinist
dogma doctrine) says GOD IS IN HELL! I wish we could say that we are making this up, we wish that we could say that there was some confusion of intent, we wish that we could say wait until the book comes out but we can’t. The truth is that R.C. Sproul believes firmly that GOD IS IN HELL based on this excerpt from his upcoming book “The place of God’s Disfavor”.
The problem with hell is not simply the absence of God’s graciousness. It is the presence of God that is so difficult. God is present in hell because He is omnipresent. The psalmist declares, “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there” (Ps. 139:7-8). If God is everywhere in His being, then certainly He is in hell as much as He is anywhere else. The problem, then, is what He is doing there. He’s there in His judgment. He is there in His punitive wrath. He is present in hell as the One who executes His justice on those who are there. That’s why I say that anyone who is in hell would most want God, more than anyone else, to leave.
Rob Bell says there is no Hell. R.C. Sproul says God is in Hell. What next? God is Dead? Only God knows…well…and us. After all we are discermentalists!