Baptism: Meaningless and Purposeless?

October 12, 2019

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“Moreover, that it is most solemnly and strictly commanded that we must be baptized or we cannot be saved…” —Martin Luther

Contrary to the Founding Father of the Protestant Reformation Martin Luther who understood that baptism is NOT the cause of our salvation but that God chose to save through baptism. Salvation is given in baptism, though not because of faith. God is the cause of our salvation, it is not man’s faith or baptism on its own.

We are glad that our baptisms are as meaningless and purposeless as our lives are suppose to be as truly baptism doesn’t save. We are thankful that God has gifted us in this last generation of the End Times with the Greatest Living Teacher of the True Word of God—our very own Protestant Pope of The Truth War—John MacArthur (PBUH) who has come around to correct through Sola Scriptura the Protestant Reformation’s fore-father Martin Luther—the very founder of Sola Scriptura himself 500 years after the fact. Quote:

Faith and repentance are not easy. Submission contradicts the natural disposition of the human heart. And the transforming and sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit is often uncomfortable and difficult.

Salvation would be so much more inviting and enticing to our human understanding if it didn’t require humility, repentance, and the transformation of your entire being. Why can’t it simply be the product of a one-time activity?

For those looking to bypass the difficulty and discomfort of salvation, 1 Peter 3:21 seemingly provides a shortcut in the form of this simple declaration: “Baptism now saves you.” This and a select few other verses are often used to promote “baptismal regeneration”–the view that teaches that one is saved (regenerated) though water baptism. …This interpretation is not true to the facts of Scripture. Throughout the book of Acts, forgiveness is linked to repentance, not baptism.


Pray To A Plant: Get Saved!

September 24, 2019

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The latest threat against our Gospel of Total Depravity and the taint of Original Sin in all of Creation from the Purpose Seeker Driven Emergence Quasi-Universalist Cult of Liberal Christianity is plant worship. Yes plant worship! How dare these purpose seekers deny the Total Depravity of Creation and the stain of Original Sin in all of nature by confessing their sins in the midst of plants.

Its as if they truly believe that God is everywhere and in all things as per Romans 8:18-30 so:

If we don’t want our churches turning into prayer-halls to shrubs and plants; if we don’t want our children crafting idols out of creation, then we need to make sure that our Bible Colleges have suitable gardeners who are using the right tools. There is only one seed God gives, that is his word as found in the explanations and study notes of  John MacArthur’s Study Bible (PBUI). There is only one seed which produces life, that is bearing mental assent to the Gospel of Calvinistic Soteriology perfectly articulated and accurately proclaimed fully in all of it’s illustrious and glorious points as professed and ascribed by our Pope John MacArthur (PBUH).

Besides that the only idol worthy of our church sanctuaries is the American flag—Sola Gloria to our military might! We should daily be confessing our sins of lapsed Patriotism by tearfully placing our hands upon our hearts and pledging allegiance to our Holy Flag—and mightily thanking our soldiers for invading other people’s countries and defending our freedom to worship.

Anyways we have reason to suspect Rob Bell is behind this latest threat as he already believes shaking hands with the Pope saves you so why not add praying to plants via guilt by association in the growing list of his many heresies.


The mighty righteous have spoken! Tremble in your seat…

August 16, 2019

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The mighty righteous Voice of the Sheep has spoken!

Voice of the Sheep notes ” Reading this blog may be hazardous to your man-centered doctrines, challenging to your unsupportable presuppositions, and just plain detrimental to your Arminian heresies. This blog has been known to cause high blood pressure, nose bleeds, headaches, stomach ulcers, gasping for breath, hyper-tension, dizzyness, nervous twitches, sudden angry vocal outbursts and light-headedness. If you experience any of these symptoms, stop reading immediately and consult the Word of truth. If you are susceptible to any of these because of your general lack of preparedness to give a defense, then please think twice before posting…you WILL be asked to defend what you say! All others are asked to leave their timid and easily-bruised egos at the door. Thanks for reading…”

Fellow discernmentalist….we tremble, our knees knock, our teeth chatter at your fearsome and rugged individualistic reformational sensational outburts. We are glad that you are on the side of righteous indignation, and that you cause others nervous twitches, nose bleeds and stomach ulcers…because we like to think that Jesus too brought stress, strain and frustration – what a marvelous example of humility you bring to the world! We are pleasedto note that despising arminians and suggesting that they are heretics that you have in fact thrown two well known and respected 18th century reformers into the category of heresy; John and Charles Wesley. Well done… let’s fine some more upstanding believers to throw out! If it makes you feel good…it makes us feel good too.

I suppose that only a true discernmentalist can add his pet doctrines to the gospel and yet still remain orthodox himself…of course always self proclaimed!

All I can say is “baaaa – baaaa-loney.”

Truthslayer—those who know me hear my voice


Sasquatch almost reveals Secret Identities of Online Discernmentalists behind the Mafia

May 16, 2019

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Depiction of the event in question

Our secret identities *were almost revealed by a Freudian slip made in a unSocialist media conversation today with a Sasquatch. Thankfully our identities are fully protected by our cloaking technology as are our Doctrines extra protected by our new Action Pants. Dr. Itodyaso using Convincing Iridescent Shockwaves soothed the Sasquatch while Don Jobson Bellowed Convincing yelps. Meanwhile Truthslayer missing in action was Secretly operating Laser mirroring images with help from Eric Barger’s STRETCH technology from our notTwitter page in order to erase the Sasquatch’s memory. We wonder if this is revenge for when Bigfoot almost got saved and are now beginning to wonder if this Sasquatch is really secretly a Boogie-Foot. As our late great Pastor-Teacher use to say:

“Boogie-foots are hijacking conservative evangelical denominations by New Age mysticism and here’s how to spot these dangerous teachings…HOW DO Christians know what to think when our pastors bring teachings into church that are rooted in heresy or the occult? Discernmentalism, that’s how. Know the genuine article so you can spot the counterfeit.”

Sadly our Discernmentalism is still suffering from the shock of having our secret identities almost revealed that we have yet to discernmentalize whether or not this Sasquatch is a Bigfoot or Boogie-Foot or an Abominable Snowman.

Still hiding in our Truth protected by our Doctrines as the job of discernmentalizing discerners is not for the faint of heart,

Don Jobson

*Update: We almost forgot that we learnt to hide our identities from our late mentor:

I have learned from my Mentor, the esteemed Discernmentalist Pastor-Teacher Ken Silva, who was in turn mentored by the late Dr. Walter Martin, that one should never truly reveal one’s identity. No one knows how the esteemed Pastor-Teacher Ken Silva looks like, where his church is or even if Ken Silva is his real name. This is important in order to safe guard one’s reputation and even life. You never know when one of those emergent heretics decide to do some Transcendental Meditation and comes to haunt you in your very own home!

Will Farel XV
Hiding from for the Truth


Selachophiles theologically suspect?

May 16, 2019

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“Be not carried about with divers and strange doctrines. For it is a good thing that the heart be established with grace; not with meats, which have not profited them that have been occupied therein.”—Hebrews 13:9 (KJV AV1611)

The Mighty Phil Johnson of Hugh Jass Ministries warns that shark-lovers the world over are possibly theologically suspect as being complicit in the Pelagic Captivity of the Church. Many Pelagic shark divers* may be secretly hiding behind your church’s pulpit holding the Truth hostage by teaching the heresy that God is love and that God loves the whole world. Phil began to suspect one shark diver who visited no Grace Community Church of spiritual terrorism when said diver began teaching divers’ doctrines and Armenian mathematics such as 2 + 2 always equaling 4 rather than the Biblically correct answer from our Reformed mathematics textbooks that 2 + 2 mostly equals 10. Soon the shark diver began babbling in tongues in what appeared to be Pornographic Divination.

Quote Hugh Jass on the incident when said diver began babbling Charismatic Chaos: “I had a vision of Mickey Mouse jumping over a shark…. and I thought Shark Week was over.” Alarming Phil’s Mighty shark-fighting senses—Phil (in a fit of Semi-Donatism)** began to punch this diver in the nose with Doctrine from the Pope of all Truth’s Mighty book fighting for Certainty in an Age of Deception. Phil rebuked that Semi-Pelagic heretic:  “You can’t be from Saint Augustine with your impure Doctrines…you must be from Rome. Only we are True Christians semi-Pelagic reprobate.”—forgetting for a moment that Phil’s Doctrines also come from Rome. Phil’s overlord the Great Pastor-Teacher of Grace to You=Condemnation to you fame John MacArthur (PBUH) commended Phil for preaching the True Gospel of the Ways of  the Master himself’s Truth War.

We however move that we hold these Pelagic beasts captive so that the church is no longer captive to their errors such as their heretical divers’ doctrines. We also believe Phil has a Hugh Jass case of Selachophobia.

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*- Phil’s depiction of that semi-Pelagic diver

**- From 393 on, Augustine took the offensive against the Donatist church. His contempt for them was obvious: “The clouds roll with thunder, that the house of the Lord shall be built throughout the earth; and these frogs sit in their marsh and croak ‘We are the only Christians’!”

 

 


Are The Council on Biblical Manhood and womanhood Evanjellyfish?

May 14, 2019

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Beardless weirdos

The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood (CBMW) exposed as weak gutless grace wimpy girliemen as per our Clear Teachings that all Truly Biblical manly-men have beards. In fact we’re beginning to question the Spine of their doctrines as they claim to teach gender distinction but are all clean shaven men. Where does such thinking come from? Where is the consistency when it is taught women have to dress like women and know their place but men can claim “christian liberty” when it comes to shaving off the God given mark of masculinity.

Only spineless Evanjellyfish would shave their beards off—now we all know Spurgeon the Prince of Preachers had a beard that’s why his Doctrines were so Pure as did Calvin. Luther once had a beard but had a lapse of judgment and shaved it off—if only he had followed Calvin’s example when he started the Protestant Reformation when Calvin was only 8 years old. We believe that’s why he erred in attacking our Truth that Calvin’s teachings are the most important teachings in all of Church History as any True Reformer would like John MacArthur (PBUH)*:

 It is recorded that Luther later said that Calvin was “educated, but strongly suspected of the error of the Sacramentarians.”[1] That is, that Calvin did not believe the same things regarding the Lord’s Supper as the Lutheran Reformers.

In this it appears that in Luther’s grand biography Calvin does not receive a great deal of mention. For Luther, Calvin would appear perhaps as a footnote.

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*- John MacArthur (PBUH) author of The Truth War

How can the CBMW expect to stop the GLBT hordes if they refuse to follow the Bible’s Clear Teachings that all True and Godly manly-men have beards?

In our current culture, the progressive trends of gender confusion and transgenderism is all the more reason we should uphold the biblical picture of a masculine man by having beards to stand separated from the pagan culture of today.

Thankfully you have True Bible-based ministries like ours with the Spines and beards to prove it to help protect you in the Purity of our facial hair—and the Sound Doctrines of the Ways of the Master himself which teach Absolute Biblical Truth in his book The Truth War: Fighting for Certainty in an Age of Deception from the spineless beardless GLBT Evanjellyfish agenda slipping into our churches.

 


Boogie-Foot! Lives: A Cousin Of Bigfoot?

May 9, 2019

b782TruthScooper Times Reports— Recently discovered by Discernmentalists a new breed of the hideously heretically apostate Emerging hybrids—-a Semi-Pelagianese that was once thought to be extinct: Boogie-Foot. This four-eyed Romish unnatural perversion of God’s Holy Creation is said to be a close cousin of Bigfoot and is just one more of the ways in which the evil Emergent Babylonian hordes of Brian “Darn your soul to heck” McLaren’s apostate army stoops in order to eradicate Absolute Biblical Truth (as defined by our Truth War Pope). This hideous hybrid of Monocles and Synergy hypnotizes it’s victims with Contemplative chanting and the unholy flames of candlelight reminding all of it’s hellish origins and doctrines of demons. It chains it’s victims with the burden of Free Grace and a Freed Will towards charitable works. Rumors say it gravitates towards couches and dark roast coffee and other sinisterly Socialistic past times like soccer not to mention Sacher Tortes.

We were granted permission to help ODM Researchmentalists interview a survivor of a Boogie-Foot abduction who spun this mighty fine yarn:

Then they approached me, and I pissed my pants, literally. I am not ashamed to say this, I was so fearful I had no idea if this was it you know? That’s when I saw their heads. Their necks were hairless and they reminded me of vultures. Their heads had red hair, but also black feathers or I don’t know what it was, but it looked like feathers to me. Their eyes were dark, very dark and big as they got close to me.

His hair was long and about the same texture as mine as I recall. The hair on all of them was about the same shade of brown, like the color of the decomposed wood layer in the forest. I could see skin around his eyes that was tanned looking and where there was facial hair it was more sparse with glimpses of skin showing through that area as well. I couldn’t make out a neck.  His chin was broad, his teeth were about the size of the nail on my middle finger but they were more flat and he had a mouthful of them meaning the width of his “bite” was wide.  His mouth was wide enough to show most of them.  His eyes were dark with some white around them, less so than human eyes.  They were kind with crows feet at the outer edge of them.  His skin was weathered like anyone who spent much time outside, like a farmer.  His shoulders were very broad though I did see his collar bone on one side which looked thick compared to a humans.  He was muscular and heavily built but in no way fat. (Source)

When they preach a sermon, they are practically choosing their theological roots by what they say in the pulpit.  They may not use the same word of phrase, but their meaning is quite the same, and sometimes just as strong as Pelagius or Arminius of old.  Instead of wrestling with these ideas, Evangelicals today simply follow the crowd at chow time.  They eat what their pastors give them without any recourse to study what is being said or check if their pastor is right.  Instead, because of a charismata that is easier to feel than exegesis is to study, they are falling headlong into the abyss of Pelagian and Semi-Pelagian doctrine which is another Gospel, or no Gospel, altogether.  Entire Christian universities and theological schools have been given over to this blatant kind of religious humanism.  John Owen rightly said in his day, “Many at this day will condemn both Pelagius and the doctrine that he taught, in the words wherein he taught it, and yet embrace and approve of the things themselves which he intended.”[69]

However, though Owen said this four hundred years ago, it is more true today than it was at his time.  But there has been a change.  It is not that men deny Pelagianism, for most pastors have no idea what Pelagianism or Semi-Pelagianism is at all.  Rather, they simply believe the doctrines of Pelagius and Arminius at the expense of even knowing in which theological camp they are historically bound.  Truly, the Evangelical church today is captive.

It is impossible to deny the overwhelming degree that the church is under the Pelagian captivity of old.—Mick Russels

Researchmentalists theorize that Boogie-Foot’s prime habitation is in the Synagogue of Satan deep within Emergent Villages and that there may be others among them based on the victim’s testimony in the above interview. Little is known about Boogie-Foot other than what Discernmentalist Researchmentalists in the field of Sintology have observed using their herescopes. Although beard hair samples have been collected and tested by top Sintologists. The test results revealed just what we expected that it’s beard is unbiblical. Supposedly this particular one had spider arms. Putting all together what we know these TruthScoopers warn: Beware the Boogie-Foot that cometh lest the Reformation erode.

 

————-Julia Bottomman, AP


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