Breaking: Unbiblical Cereal Persecuting Discernmentalists!

October 26, 2019

BelongTogetherCereal

We all belong together. So for the first time in history, our famous mascots and cereals are offered exclusively together in the same box for All Together Cereal. It’s a symbol of acceptance no matter how you look, where you’re from or who you love.

Oh the horror is there any object that doesn’t offend us or persecute us! This is worse than when fictional cartoon rats got ghey-married causing hetero-marriages to fail by osmosis! Noted Discernmentlist Ken Ham declared: “We are not “All together,” as the lifestyle/worldview of these fictional cereal mascots is anti-God, anti-biblical & anti-science and consists of only a small minority in the culture.” As my co-Truthwarrior Dr. Truthslayer has pointed out: “We demand that this cereal be stopped!!! We can only guess that some time soon they will introduce whole grain oats, barley, and maize to this liberal mix. Its processed whole-wheat or nothing!!!”

In fact we know this as one Kellogian stated: “Just think now KIDS might get the idea to buy 6 separate boxes of cereal, and mix them up on their own! Kellog’s is now working for the Devil! No more Kelloggs! They are evil, because any of their cereals might get mixed!!! Leading kids to proclaim: Hail Satan!” If this doesn’t make clear how unbiblical and apostate this cereal really is—consider this—our Research Robot Monkeys overheard this apostate cereal saying:

“Black, white, green, red
Can I take my friend to bed?
Pink, brown, yellow, orange, and blue
I love you”

We only wish that more inanimate objects; fictional characters; even animals would hold true to our morals; Doctrines and worldview. We have one word of caution—if you see this cereal in stores…flee!

To counteract this assault on our Truth—we recommend a daily dose of Calvin Crunch; Reformation Crunch; Truth Loops; Catacomb; and Christo-Fascist Flakes for a more Biblically-sound all around healthy breakfast and extra-protection from wetness!


Pray To A Plant: Get Saved!

September 24, 2019

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The latest threat against our Gospel of Total Depravity and the taint of Original Sin in all of Creation from the Purpose Seeker Driven Emergence Quasi-Universalist Cult of Liberal Christianity is plant worship. Yes plant worship! How dare these purpose seekers deny the Total Depravity of Creation and the stain of Original Sin in all of nature by confessing their sins in the midst of plants.

Its as if they truly believe that God is everywhere and in all things as per Romans 8:18-30 so:

If we don’t want our churches turning into prayer-halls to shrubs and plants; if we don’t want our children crafting idols out of creation, then we need to make sure that our Bible Colleges have suitable gardeners who are using the right tools. There is only one seed God gives, that is his word as found in the explanations and study notes of  John MacArthur’s Study Bible (PBUI). There is only one seed which produces life, that is bearing mental assent to the Gospel of Calvinistic Soteriology perfectly articulated and accurately proclaimed fully in all of it’s illustrious and glorious points as professed and ascribed by our Pope John MacArthur (PBUH).

Besides that the only idol worthy of our church sanctuaries is the American flag—Sola Gloria to our military might! We should daily be confessing our sins of lapsed Patriotism by tearfully placing our hands upon our hearts and pledging allegiance to our Holy Flag—and mightily thanking our soldiers for invading other people’s countries and defending our freedom to worship.

Anyways we have reason to suspect Rob Bell is behind this latest threat as he already believes shaking hands with the Pope saves you so why not add praying to plants via guilt by association in the growing list of his many heresies.


The mighty righteous have spoken! Tremble in your seat…

August 16, 2019

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The mighty righteous Voice of the Sheep has spoken!

Voice of the Sheep notes ” Reading this blog may be hazardous to your man-centered doctrines, challenging to your unsupportable presuppositions, and just plain detrimental to your Arminian heresies. This blog has been known to cause high blood pressure, nose bleeds, headaches, stomach ulcers, gasping for breath, hyper-tension, dizzyness, nervous twitches, sudden angry vocal outbursts and light-headedness. If you experience any of these symptoms, stop reading immediately and consult the Word of truth. If you are susceptible to any of these because of your general lack of preparedness to give a defense, then please think twice before posting…you WILL be asked to defend what you say! All others are asked to leave their timid and easily-bruised egos at the door. Thanks for reading…”

Fellow discernmentalist….we tremble, our knees knock, our teeth chatter at your fearsome and rugged individualistic reformational sensational outburts. We are glad that you are on the side of righteous indignation, and that you cause others nervous twitches, nose bleeds and stomach ulcers…because we like to think that Jesus too brought stress, strain and frustration – what a marvelous example of humility you bring to the world! We are pleasedto note that despising arminians and suggesting that they are heretics that you have in fact thrown two well known and respected 18th century reformers into the category of heresy; John and Charles Wesley. Well done… let’s fine some more upstanding believers to throw out! If it makes you feel good…it makes us feel good too.

I suppose that only a true discernmentalist can add his pet doctrines to the gospel and yet still remain orthodox himself…of course always self proclaimed!

All I can say is “baaaa – baaaa-loney.”

Truthslayer—those who know me hear my voice


Vatican spiritually terrorizing Bible-Believers with Pornographic art

May 17, 2019

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Photo from  Mrs. Jobson’s old college textbookLINK

Ray Comfort (Awesome) Hell’s Best Kept Secret warns that the Vatican is spiritually terrorizing innocent Bible-Believers with pornographic art. Quote: “It’s dishonest to steal God’s ideas and say they came from nothing. Especially if one is going to paint or sculpt nude figures that might cause others to lust in their heart. Michelangelo’s Statue of David is obscene because its essentially pornographic as well as the Sistine Chapel.” Ray (Awesome)’s original quote on this from his Comfort Blog (Awesome) has been raptured into an atheist black hole so we pressed him to make a new statement on this—while working on our version of that sinful Arthur episode.

Thankfully Mrs. Jobson’s old college textbook on artwork censors all those smutty pics and sculptures so our house is lust-free. That reminds me of a funny story from when our son little Calvin was 8… we always read from the Old Testament for bed time stories to put our children to sleep… so he knows to stay clear of idolatry…. *chuckle*…Anyways Calvin was playing outside when he caught a glimpse of our apostate neighbor’s statue of a little girl and little boy kissing so he got it in his head and he smashed it….heh heh. Our son the Little Iconoclast!

On a related note Ray (Awesome) wanted us to plug his Awesome Bible-based art (Awesome):


Boogie-Foot! Lives: A Cousin Of Bigfoot?

May 9, 2019

b782TruthScooper Times Reports— Recently discovered by Discernmentalists a new breed of the hideously heretically apostate Emerging hybrids—-a Semi-Pelagianese that was once thought to be extinct: Boogie-Foot. This four-eyed Romish unnatural perversion of God’s Holy Creation is said to be a close cousin of Bigfoot and is just one more of the ways in which the evil Emergent Babylonian hordes of Brian “Darn your soul to heck” McLaren’s apostate army stoops in order to eradicate Absolute Biblical Truth (as defined by our Truth War Pope). This hideous hybrid of Monocles and Synergy hypnotizes it’s victims with Contemplative chanting and the unholy flames of candlelight reminding all of it’s hellish origins and doctrines of demons. It chains it’s victims with the burden of Free Grace and a Freed Will towards charitable works. Rumors say it gravitates towards couches and dark roast coffee and other sinisterly Socialistic past times like soccer not to mention Sacher Tortes.

We were granted permission to help ODM Researchmentalists interview a survivor of a Boogie-Foot abduction who spun this mighty fine yarn:

Then they approached me, and I pissed my pants, literally. I am not ashamed to say this, I was so fearful I had no idea if this was it you know? That’s when I saw their heads. Their necks were hairless and they reminded me of vultures. Their heads had red hair, but also black feathers or I don’t know what it was, but it looked like feathers to me. Their eyes were dark, very dark and big as they got close to me.

His hair was long and about the same texture as mine as I recall. The hair on all of them was about the same shade of brown, like the color of the decomposed wood layer in the forest. I could see skin around his eyes that was tanned looking and where there was facial hair it was more sparse with glimpses of skin showing through that area as well. I couldn’t make out a neck.  His chin was broad, his teeth were about the size of the nail on my middle finger but they were more flat and he had a mouthful of them meaning the width of his “bite” was wide.  His mouth was wide enough to show most of them.  His eyes were dark with some white around them, less so than human eyes.  They were kind with crows feet at the outer edge of them.  His skin was weathered like anyone who spent much time outside, like a farmer.  His shoulders were very broad though I did see his collar bone on one side which looked thick compared to a humans.  He was muscular and heavily built but in no way fat. (Source)

When they preach a sermon, they are practically choosing their theological roots by what they say in the pulpit.  They may not use the same word of phrase, but their meaning is quite the same, and sometimes just as strong as Pelagius or Arminius of old.  Instead of wrestling with these ideas, Evangelicals today simply follow the crowd at chow time.  They eat what their pastors give them without any recourse to study what is being said or check if their pastor is right.  Instead, because of a charismata that is easier to feel than exegesis is to study, they are falling headlong into the abyss of Pelagian and Semi-Pelagian doctrine which is another Gospel, or no Gospel, altogether.  Entire Christian universities and theological schools have been given over to this blatant kind of religious humanism.  John Owen rightly said in his day, “Many at this day will condemn both Pelagius and the doctrine that he taught, in the words wherein he taught it, and yet embrace and approve of the things themselves which he intended.”[69]

However, though Owen said this four hundred years ago, it is more true today than it was at his time.  But there has been a change.  It is not that men deny Pelagianism, for most pastors have no idea what Pelagianism or Semi-Pelagianism is at all.  Rather, they simply believe the doctrines of Pelagius and Arminius at the expense of even knowing in which theological camp they are historically bound.  Truly, the Evangelical church today is captive.

It is impossible to deny the overwhelming degree that the church is under the Pelagian captivity of old.—Mick Russels

Researchmentalists theorize that Boogie-Foot’s prime habitation is in the Synagogue of Satan deep within Emergent Villages and that there may be others among them based on the victim’s testimony in the above interview. Little is known about Boogie-Foot other than what Discernmentalist Researchmentalists in the field of Sintology have observed using their herescopes. Although beard hair samples have been collected and tested by top Sintologists. The test results revealed just what we expected that it’s beard is unbiblical. Supposedly this particular one had spider arms. Putting all together what we know these TruthScoopers warn: Beware the Boogie-Foot that cometh lest the Reformation erode.

 

————-Julia Bottomman, AP


Olive Tree Ministries warns of terrorism!

May 1, 2019

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Olive Tree Ministries, a mighty truth-warrior wants to warn Christians about impending Islamic terrorism. As a fellow discernmentalist I’m also concerned about terrorism. BUT….I also want to make sure that our readers are ONLY aware of Islamic terrorism.

When we do things to other countries it is because we are called to hate our enemies, smite them and ignore the New Testament…exactly as Jesus taught us. You see we believers NEED to twist the bible to justify our lust for the goods of other countries…we don’t call that covetousness (too old fashioned) we christen than ‘state interest,’ and Christians should honor the state!

Here are a few God-honouring shananigans (we call them shananigans because terror sounds too harsh) that we need to repeat again and again to make it know that America is Godly.

Operation Infinite Reach….bombing a pharmaceutical factory (ooops) is a good thing to stop the Sudanese from treating their sick and diseased.

Operation Mongoose.…because we’re peace loving and Cuba could have taken over America with their ginormous fleet of fighter-jets…beside this is about fighting communism…and commies are atheists and atheists don’t believe in God anyways. So killing athiests was in our best interests.

Special Removal Units….torture (Old school inquisition torture just like old fashioned Medieval Catholics) because torture brings out the best in everyone…and it must be done for God and country.

Or the over throw of democratically elected countries like Honduras or Guatamala and Iran. This had to be done because some of those countries harboured Roman Catholics…and they were secretly poised to take over America and force us all to worship Mary.  I think knocking off the P.M. of Iran was just a practice run…just to make sure we could!

Then there is Operation Northwoods, but relented and applied bits and parts of this mighty campaign of defending democracy later on! Democracy must be defended…which includes lying  (lying is ok if you believe it!)

The UN suggest this great lie! See Here They are liars because we believe we can torture, kill and send out death squads for betterment of the world! You see Great Britain and other western countries helped out too! Operation Gladio is also a glad reminder !

Remember, we are the good guys. Good guys are guys without sin. We’re not like those  OTHER GUYS guys…the ones in the middle east….you know with the sins!

Thank-you Lord, that we’re not war-mongerers like Islam but we are peace lovers. Thank-you that we are NOT like them.

The ODMafia, doing the thinking so you don’t have too!

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Luke 14: “The Pharisee stood up and prayed about[a] himself: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.”


Now Offering Our All New Apoolajetix Course!

May 1, 2019

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Pomotivator from the once mighty Hugh Jass Spurgeon site of Phil Johnson—now gone just like his Hugh Jass though he still is a Hugh Jass every now and then. *

 

Reliving our glory days of the Truth War—Dr. I. Todyaso is proud to introduce our newest old course on apologetics aka Apoolajetix to help aid new and future Truth Warriors/Discernmentalists in their Researchmentalism in the defense of our fragile Pure Doctrines that are always under attack and in need of being defended by us:

Pooling together our ignorance from around the web via Eric Barger’s Bible-Based Satellite System (BS) and Stretch Technology we can find the Answers In Genesis to all the problems we need to Take A Stand on with our Pulpit & Pen. Helping us Slice any truth to fit our narrative in our Battle 4 Truth that we’ve already presupposed to be true and need to be Apprising everyone of.  We must Stand Up For our The Truth and always be Defending (and) Contending for this truth using our Christian Research Network of True Bible Believers —who help spread our Doctrines via Lighthouse Trails and our seminars at Wordview Weekend through the administration of our annual Worldview Tests/Checkups.

We need to be Pyromaniacs for our truth but without Charisma just like any real Christian Apologetics and Research Ministry —we should follow the Way Of The Master that leads to Living Waters like Ray Comfort Hell’s Best Kept Secret instead of doing real research as real research leads to unWretched ideas. One of these ideas is forming a Gospel Coalition around Social Justice and social issues like ending hunger and poverty alleviation —pure blasphemy as the only real social issue that one Desiring God should care about is that we Abolish Human Abortion  just like our Angry Sovereign God desires.

This will help us be Rapture Ready—for Jesus Is Savior of the American Vision of Gary North and Thomas DiLorenzo which is the same as ours and helps us to Act for America by our Stand With Israel and being WallBuilders to protect our beliefs from the same government that we use to spread our Doctrines. Also remember to only get your news from Fox News; Breitbart; World Net Daily or any other Conservative approved (except for Libertarian) news source and remember to listen to Rush Limbaugh; Info Wars and Michael Savage on the radio everyday and like Eric Metaxas and Dinesh D’Souza read our Most Biblical and Godly President’s Tweets everyday as well in order to keep our Doctrines as Pure as the Puritan Hard Drive for we all know that we discernmentalists are really the Alpha & Omega of our own truth.

However you should never under any circumstances go to sites such as Scott McKnight’s; Warren Throckmorton’s;  David Gushee’s or Christ And Pop Culture nor any other site that discernmentalists have Quall(ed)Out and disapproved of as that might lead to the Bible Gateway into biblical scholarship  or worse you  may discover Catholic Answers instead of ones approved by us—besides everyone knows we discermentalists like to avoid the Bible especially Act(s)3 as much as possible whenever a Spurgeon quote will suffice like most of the online followers of Grace To You  believe.

This our subservient students is the secret to defending our fragile hard doctrines of True Biblical Christianity that is our Extreme Theology of Monergism wedded with Ayn Rand’s Objectivism (the only Conservative approved Libertarian/Independent thinker besides those who support Theocracy like the Constitution Party—despite her views on abortion and her not believing in our angry Sovereign Grace-filled God of wrath) which  are always being perverted; always under attack by our many enemies and always in need of defense by us.

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Drs. I. Todyaso; Truthslayer and Don Jobson—Doctors of Apoolajetix

*Phil’s Hugh Jass Pomotivators

An unrelated post from our past related to this one: Brian McLaren declares the Kingdom of God is here and now!


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