April 4, 2011
Ladies, Gentleman, and Underlings, we knew that the fallout from the Rob Bell heretical view of non-hell was going to undermine the truth of scripture and lead many astray (sorry for the lack of grammatical clarity but we are so upset over this news we can’t use punctuation properly) but never did we imagine the magnitude of the fallout. Nor did we imagine the swiftness in which the Devil was going to lead people astray. Nor did we think that our leadership would fall.
What’s the big news?
Hold on to your phylacteries, bathe in holy water, hide the eyes of the innocent, and prepare the millstones: R.C. Sproul (a.k.a second in charge [behind John McArthur PBUH] of calvinist
dogma doctrine) says GOD IS IN HELL! I wish we could say that we are making this up, we wish that we could say that there was some confusion of intent, we wish that we could say wait until the book comes out but we can’t. The truth is that R.C. Sproul believes firmly that GOD IS IN HELL based on this excerpt from his upcoming book “The place of God’s Disfavor”.
The problem with hell is not simply the absence of God’s graciousness. It is the presence of God that is so difficult. God is present in hell because He is omnipresent. The psalmist declares, “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there” (Ps. 139:7-8). If God is everywhere in His being, then certainly He is in hell as much as He is anywhere else. The problem, then, is what He is doing there. He’s there in His judgment. He is there in His punitive wrath. He is present in hell as the One who executes His justice on those who are there. That’s why I say that anyone who is in hell would most want God, more than anyone else, to leave.
Rob Bell says there is no Hell. R.C. Sproul says God is in Hell. What next? God is Dead? Only God knows…well…and us. After all we are discermentalists!
August 17, 2010
Our every truthful, always discerning Research Robot Monkeys have discovered a lake in Peru: Lake Titicaca. You KNOW as well as I do what this name entails!!!! The name is littered with verbal filth and vulgarity…and our readers should be shielded from this. We are not surprised at all, especially when found in a foreign country. As a matter of fact we believe that there are NO Christians in Peru and therefore would explain why a lake would have such a heinous name. It is probably that there are no Christians in Peru because there are no freedom loving Republicans who live there.
We are encouraging all our faithful discernmentalist brethren to place a ban on Lake Titicaca. In fact we implore you to boycott his lake by taking a stand and NOT going on vacation at Lake Titicaca. We therefore ask Eric’s Take A Stand, Crosstalk, Apprising Ministries, Brannon Howse, Lighthouse Trails, Discerning the World and others to truly fight this until Peru CHANGES the name of this dastardly lake. Let’s strike back at darkness, by proclaiming absolute biblical truth….this is a war worth fighting.
PS IF Peru will not relent on the name change, we will lobby congress to begin lobbing bombs until freedom reigns in Peru!
July 26, 2010
Any True Christian American Patriot and True Citizen of the Kingdom of God aka America should keep these Bible verses as close to their hearts as their guns and ammunition:
For Christ came to butcher, destroy, bomb and burn our enemies so that they may die more violently. (John MacArthur 10:10).
The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is long-suffering to us-ward, and is willing that all our enemies should perish, so that America may stand forever. (Second Peter Ruckman 3:9).
For we know Him who said, “VENGEANCE IS OURS TO REPAY.” And again, “AMERICA WILL JUDGE ALL PEOPLE.” sayeth the Lord. (Bob “Hebrews” Jones 10:30).
But I tell you: Hate your enemies and pray an Imprecatory Prayer that God through American Military Might might smite as many of them as possible. (Matthew Ken Silva 5:44).
—All Scriptures quoted from the 1611 King James Bible the Authorized American Version aka Chuck Norris’ Bible.
May 11, 2010
We must set the record straight—- the Bible is the Literal Word of God. What this Literally means is that the human words which make up the Bible contain the Literal mind of God. We Know as we were there when God Literally dictated them to humanity. Our field agent Brainiac further explains:
The Bible is a book of words and those words are to be interpreted according to their literal sense, which means in the same sense that the author understood them. This is a principle called the Sensus Literalis, and it is an important rule of hermeneutics. If we do not interpret the words in the same sense as the author, then we obscure the author’s meaning and impose our own. If we read our own meaning in the place of God’s meaning; then we are no longer reading God’s word but our own. Therefore, we must take care to interpret the Bible literally.
We interpret the Bible literally by following the ordinary rules of language; a noun is to be read as a noun, a verb as a verb, and so on. No matter what we read or in what language we read it, a statement is always a statement and a question is always a question.
Utilizing our Absolute Biblical Certainty and our Discernmentalist logic, we will show you how to apply a literal hermeneutic to the Bible:
This is literally Jesus:
This also is literally Jesus:
And here is something else that is literally Jesus:
Stay tuned for part 2 of our exhilirating fresh new course straight from the bowels of the GOIP Online Discernmentalist Bible-Literalist Institutes aka LifeWay Press!