Benny Hinn takes a new turn!

February 10, 2010

hinn

In an unprecedented report that we heard from a friend of a friend Benny Hinn is REFUSING to do any more staged miracles until discernmentalists back-off. He has been under relentless attack by our valiant discernment crowds. Hinn has suggested that he will not heal spines or backbones (usually requested by discernmentalists who seek to be even stronger in their truth warriorness). He will not will he even attempt to accidentally heal a wheel chair or a walker. Numerous times in the past his intended victims recipients have been overlooked in the healings but have found that their cars now start, their walkers fixed and eyeglasses de-scratched.

It is rumoured that Hinn will now only collect money tithes at stadiums and reminisce about his glorious undertakings in the past.

PS We are sadened by this fact since one of our Research Robot Monkeys has been found to have a bum leg and has difficulty walking, we have decided to be less harsh in hopes that Hinn will change his mind.

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Discernmentalist Record Of The Day: cAlvin And The ChipmOnks

October 16, 2009

Calvinandthechipmunks

New record out based on that old hit show

cAlvin and the Chipmunks was a popular children’s cartoon that aired on Nickelodeon. Based loosely on the cAlvin Show from 20 years earlier, this cartoon has many cross overs with iCarly, for no apparent reason. Additionally, the title format is similar to that of iCarly, and the show is set at in the 2080’s A.D. in a newt dominated world, like the contemporary seasons of iCarly.

cAlvin, Simon, (later replaced by Chippy) and Theodore, three Protestant chipmunks, try to balance their musical careers with their primary goal of reforming the church along Calvinistic lines, and fighting the squirrel Pope. Their musical careers are managed by a man called Dave Seville, who, although sympathetic to cAlvin’s theological goals, is primarily concerned with the music business.

 

Truthslayer wanted me to remind you that all Discernmentalists should listen to this  record. It brings a tear to my eye back in the days when Doctrines were Pure! Todd Friel got his start on the show playing Dave and is on this record. My favorite episode is:

             iExile Chippy for Heresy 

cAlvin and Theodore become suspicious of Chippy’s theological leanings. cAlvin calmly confronts Chippy about these issues, but Chippy boldly proclaims himself to be an Arminian, and denounces cAlvin, Theodore, and even their rival Marty as fatalists. Despite much pleading, Chippy refuses to accept the reformed position, and is eventually banished from Geneva. Meanwhile, Spencer builds a sculpture unmolested because Chippy is too involved in a heresy trial to steal Spencer’s tools.

 

Now Truthslayer and I must be off to exile some more heretics.

Don Jobson—Exiling Heretical Youth leaders.


Our Goal For A Post-Emergent Church

October 15, 2009

The Post-Emergent Church

The Post-Emergent Church Of The Future—For old people that never grow out of their youth. A non-seeker-sensitive approach to church: How to lose friends and alienate people. The Post-Emergent Church will return us back to fundamentalism while still remaining relevant. Praise Hymn Rock Songs Include:

  • In Awe Of Thy 600+ Commandments, Praise Jesus 25x Chorus, Jesus Is Coming Now Grab Your Guns, We’re Old But We’re Still Young In Church, A Mighty Fortress Is Our Bible, I Saw Jesus Shoot A Heretic But He Did Not Shoot The Deputy, We Hold The Absolute Truth And So Can You, We’ll Annoy You With One More Praise Chorus, We Wish You A Servetus Barbecue, O I Hope My Shoe Is Holey Enough For The Rapture and Raise A Banner Of War On The Non-Elect

Confession of Faith: Legalism is Lord. Church services will include inquisitions on non-believers followed by forced baptisms. Afterwards, we’ll have a pot luck lunch. Everyone wins—souls that is! Rainbow wigs available after your first forced communion.

 

rollenstewart2


John Hagee’s Healing Scripture Player

May 19, 2009

funnyThe ODMafia robot research monkeys are excited about the

Portable Healing Player …now available exclusively through John Hagee Ministries. This digital player recites the scriptures pertaining to healing, health and life from the Bible as read by Pastor John Hagee. The player comes with an ear piece and built-in stand and is battery powered. In addition the ear piece can be removed and the player can play just like your radio.” (We’re NOT kidding – check the link!!!)

Wow just like your radio – but with an ear piece! How technologically bleeding edge! Moreover it heals! We believe that Benny Hinn must have accidentally brushed against the HEALING SCRIPTURE PLAYER exact these miracle like qualities. embedded in worldly technology. Thankfully this POWER TO HEAL (PtoH) device is read by super apostle John Hagee…his soothing tone will force your body to heal whether it wants to or not.

ODmafia has ordered several for us and our staff. Order now while supplies last…embrace Hagee’s healing voice!

“P” to the “H” peeps….


Benny Hinn Heals Wheelchair

April 27, 2009

According to whABC Investigative News sources Benny Hinn healed a wheel chair accidentally. Hinn had summoned several people on stage with a variety of disabilities and ailments. Numerous people came forward with wheelchairs that were in serious disrepair. After his miracle working it was discovered the ONLY thing healed was a previously rickety wheel chair that had a bent axle, rusty spokes, and one busted wheel.

ABC Investigative News sources are speechless….

…we too are without speech.


My Holy senses were assaulted by this video today!

January 17, 2009

How sad that some turn to humor to hurt others! I am astonished that some claim to be Christians yet use humor to attack others. Please pray for these sick people!


CRN asks a “serious” question..

December 5, 2008

CRN asks a “serious” question.. Why does the emerging church snub Benny Hinn?

 

I guess as I read this I found the question a really good one then realized that maybe CRN is endorsing Benny Hinn! How sad it is when a great site and our great leader endorses Benny Hinn over the emerging church! I agree with Ken Silva that we need to never let a gay person in one of OUR churches. Yet to ask the emerging church to accept Benny Hinn as if he was gay, is sadly showing the wear and tear on judgment some of my fellow “Truth Warriors” are having.

 

I might suggest that someone like Tony

 Jones has never denied Benny Hinns “salvation experience”

 

Note that in an interview which the transcript itself is on Apprising Miserys site:

 

Tony:So John tell me this though…what about people who follow Christ, confess Jesus, belong to churches, and have never had that? They consider themselves children of God who are created in the image of God…maybe they’re Catholic, maybe they’re Epsicopalian, maybe they’re Lutheran…and they have not had…now I’m not… I’m not disparaging your personal kind of…salvation conversion experience.

It’s very powerful, a lot of people have had it. But a lot of people haven’t. But a lot of people live faithful lives, they serve Jesus, they read their Bibles… If they’ve not had that same kind…what if they just understand God differently than you because surely, yes of course…

Of course this is a “serious” question of the emerging church, but to have Ken Silva say we are to be saved by our “experience” which it seems Benny Hinn may have had, and then say Tony Jones the former Headmaster himself of the emerging church say otherwise seems to be that Ken misses his own former victories!

I might also add this. Benny Hinn is against gay sex. Yep, here is a video where he is against it. So Mr. Silva must have slipped up in his “research” on the “serious” question.

 

Again, we need to pray for Ken Silva as he seems to be slipping in his discernmentalist powers.

 

 

 

 

 

 


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