November 8, 2019
Now you too can get Rich and own a Private Jet just like John the Baptist taught us. Having perused said book our Research Robot Monkeys were quickly slain in the Spirit and began babbling nonsense since Benny Hinn refused to heel them. Send us money or you’ll burn. Sadly now we won’t be able to learn the secret to get more money and prosper. Please send us money. Buy our stuff for the chance that you might; possibly; maybe someday eventually get healed or one of our robots might get re-heeled. Hand over the cash now. On a related note thanks to all you suckers out there’s donations Dr. Itodyaso will soon change his name to #1 Christian Genius Gold-swimming Trillionaire in honor of a hero of our Hero! Buy our stuff—we take cash; checks; money orders; credit cards; travelers’ checks; savings bonds; silver; gold; jewels; etc. So send us money and help us help you find out how to get rich today!!!!
February 10, 2010
In an unprecedented report that we heard from a friend of a friend Benny Hinn is REFUSING to do any more staged miracles until discernmentalists back-off. He has been under relentless attack by our valiant discernment crowds. Hinn has suggested that he will not heal spines or backbones (usually requested by discernmentalists who seek to be even stronger in their truth warriorness). He will not will he even attempt to accidentally heal a wheel chair or a walker. Numerous times in the past his intended victims recipients have been overlooked in the healings but have found that their cars now start, their walkers fixed and eyeglasses de-scratched.
It is rumoured that Hinn will now only collect money tithes at stadiums and reminisce about his glorious undertakings in the past.
PS We are sadened by this fact since one of our Research Robot Monkeys has been found to have a bum leg and has difficulty walking, we have decided to be less harsh in hopes that Hinn will change his mind.
October 15, 2009
The Post-Emergent Church
The Post-Emergent Church Of The Future—For old people that never grow out of their youth. A non-seeker-sensitive approach to church: How to lose friends and alienate people. The Post-Emergent Church will return us back to fundamentalism while still remaining relevant. Praise Hymn Rock Songs Include:
In Awe Of Thy 600+ Commandments, Praise Jesus 25x Chorus, Jesus Is Coming Now Grab Your Guns, We’re Old But We’re Still Young In Church, A Mighty Fortress Is Our Bible, I Saw Jesus Shoot A Heretic But He Did Not Shoot The Deputy, We Hold The Absolute Truth And So Can You, We’ll Annoy You With One More Praise Chorus, We Wish You A Servetus Barbecue, O I Hope My Shoe Is Holey Enough For The Rapture and Raise A Banner Of War On The Non-Elect
Confession of Faith: Legalism is Lord. Church services will include inquisitions on non-believers followed by forced baptisms. Afterwards, we’ll have a pot luck lunch. Everyone wins—souls that is! Rainbow wigs available after your first forced communion.
May 19, 2009
The ODMafia robot research monkeys are excited about the
“Portable Healing Player …now available exclusively through John Hagee Ministries. This digital player recites the scriptures pertaining to healing, health and life from the Bible as read by Pastor John Hagee. The player comes with an ear piece and built-in stand and is battery powered. In addition the ear piece can be removed and the player can play just like your radio.” (We’re NOT kidding – check the link!!!)
Wow just like your radio – but with an ear piece! How technologically bleeding edge! Moreover it heals! We believe that Benny Hinn must have accidentally brushed against the HEALING SCRIPTURE PLAYER exact these miracle like qualities. embedded in worldly technology. Thankfully this POWER TO HEAL (PtoH) device is read by super apostle John Hagee…his soothing tone will force your body to heal whether it wants to or not.
ODmafia has ordered several for us and our staff. Order now while supplies last…embrace Hagee’s healing voice!
“P” to the “H” peeps….
April 27, 2009
According to ABC Investigative News sources Benny Hinn healed a wheel chair accidentally. Hinn had summoned several people on stage with a variety of disabilities and ailments. Numerous people came forward with wheelchairs that were in serious disrepair. After his miracle working it was discovered the ONLY thing healed was a previously rickety wheel chair that had a bent axle, rusty spokes, and one busted wheel.
ABC Investigative News sources are speechless….
…we too are without speech.
January 17, 2009
How sad that some turn to humor to hurt others! I am astonished that some claim to be Christians yet use humor to attack others. Please pray for these sick people!