Getting back to Chick-Fil-A—lest we forget as my esteemed colleague and ever-Discernmentalizing co-Truth-Warrior in the truthiness of John MacArthur’s Truth War (PBUI)Dr. Pastor-Teacher I. Todyaso has reminded me that there are other restaurants among us compromising our Discernmentalist values. We mustn’t stop with just our campaign to re-sanctify and re-Christianize chicken restaurants when unbiblical seafood restaurants are allowed to exist. If these restaurants continue to align with dark forces that go against our Doctrines and compromise their stand by caving in to bullies—we Discernmentalist Christians will stop supporting them and they will die out. That’s why:
We must rally all our fellow Discernmentalists and Truth Warriors to bring all of God’s law unto the heathens and the sodomites. We call upon all Christians to join us in the crusade against Long John Silver’s and Red Lobster. Yea, even Popeye’s shall be cleansed. The name of Bubba shall be anathema. We must stop the unbelievers from destroying the sanctity of our restaurants.
The labourers come from Thailand’s much poorer neighbours Myanmar and Cambodia. Brokers illegally charge them fees to get jobs, trapping them into working on fishing vessels and at ports, mills and seafood farms in Thailand to pay back more money than they can ever earn.
“Sometimes, the net is too heavy and workers get pulled into the water and just disappear. When someone dies, he gets thrown into the water,” one Burmese worker told the non-profit organization Verité commissioned by Nestle.
“I have been working on this boat for 10 years. I have no savings. I am barely surviving,” said another. “Life is very difficult here.”
Update #2: Unbiblical seafood restaurant implicated in drug trafficking.
Now you too can get Rich and own a Private Jet just like John the Baptist taught us. Having perused said book our Research Robot Monkeys were quickly slain in the Spirit and began babbling nonsense since Benny Hinn refused to heel them. Send us money or you’ll burn. Sadly now we won’t be able to learn the secret to get more money and prosper. Please send us money. Buy our stuff for the chance that you might; possibly; maybe someday eventually get healed or one of our robots might get re-heeled. Hand over the cash now. On a related note thanks to all you suckers out there’s donations Dr. Itodyaso will soon change his name to #1 Christian Genius Gold-swimming Trillionaire in honor of a hero of our Hero! Buy our stuff—we take cash; checks; money orders; credit cards; travelers’ checks; savings bonds; silver; gold; jewels; etc. So send us money and help us help you find out how to get rich today!!!!
We being good Bible-Believing Internet Discernmentalists believe Solo Scriptura and teach the whole Bible and only appeal to the whole Bible and no other sources nor let culture interpret the Bible as we appeal to our heroes who appeal to John Calvin (a source outside the Bible) who appealed to Saint Augustine (a Roman Catholic apostate and another source outside the Bible) and also secular/pagan philosophies such as neo-Platonic dualistic rationalism and an epistemology of Aristotelian logic (more sources outside the Bible) to bring you our important teachings on Sound Bible Doctrines.
John Calvin quoted Cicero constantly. The Puritans regularly appealed to both reason and nature as support for their Calvinism. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard a Calvinist talk about “the freedom of God.” The Westminster Confession of Faith begins with describing God as the “fount of all being.”
Discernmentalists seem to be under the impression that Calvinism only comes from Scripture whereas every other theology is a collection of extra-biblical (cultural) arguments, and that’s so self-evidently false as to be literally ridiculous. EVERY theology musters up a combination of proof texts, logical extrapolations of varying quality, appeals to God’s character, etc. Calvinism has no objectively firmer grounding than Arminianism or any other school of theology. (In fact our favorite Bible-writer Saint Paul also appealed to cultural sources outside the Bible as well).
Now many Bible-ignorant heathens reject our Clear Teaching that we must follow the whole Bible and never any source outside the Bible because they’re corrupting Doctrine—but as we’ve shown it is important to follow the whole Bible and only the whole Bible without appealing to outside sources or letting culture interpret it and only we do that.
We Discernmentalists believe in Solo Scriptura as in only our interpretation of the Bible alone as only our interpretation matters or counts for our beliefs are God’s as we follow:
Solo Scriptura. The whole Bible. Be real and stop your deception. Either follow the whole Bible or leave the Christian faith. I do not want a cut and paste faith. That is no faith at all.
However we being good Bible-Believing Conservatives and Internet Discernmentalists like our faith cut and paste as only we have license to practice a cut and paste faith using Solo Scriptura such as:
The Bible is clear: “Drink a little wine to settle thy stomach and greet each-other with a Holy kiss.”—never mind alcoholics and the drinking age being 21 nor pedophiles using the Holy kiss as an excuse to molest children—Paul said it that settles it. (Solo scriptura out of context the whole Bible)
Or our support of capitalism and voting straight ticket Republican every election despite the Bible’s Clear Teaching that usury aka making profits is an abomination
Or how we explain away the Bible’s Clear Teachings to turn the other cheek; lay down our weapons and study war no more
Or how we disagree with the Clear Teaching and Plain Language in the Bible that Christ is Really Present in the wine and bread as we believe its only symbolic: “And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body given for you…” (Notice it doesn’t say this is only a symbol of my body)
Or how we believe God only loves the saved despite John 3:16 using the word κόσμος (which literally means universe) not ἐκλεκτός (Elect) nor ἐκκλησία (church/assembly)
Or how we prefer to spank our children as punishment instead of the Bible’s Clear Teaching on stoning them
Or how we believe in a Limited Atonement despite the Bible’s Clear Teaching: “Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!” (Notice it doesn’t say takes away the sin of the Elect/saved/church only)
Or how we explain away OT Laws by consigning those too HARD for us to follow as being part of a ceremonial law not a moral one despite the Bible never making any distinction between any OT Law: the Law is the Law period.
Or how we believe life begins at conception even-though the Bible’s Clear Teaching Plainly teaches that life begins at first breath
Or how we exhort our enemies to follow Romans 13 while celebrating our country whose very Founders disobeyed it by rebelling against the King of England
Or how we claim that baptism doesn’t have anything to do with salvation despite the Clear and Plain language of the Bible: “1 Peter 3:21- And baptism, which this prefigured, now saves you—not as a removal of dirt from the body, but as an appeal to God for[a] a good conscience, through the resurrection of Jesus Christ, ” (Solo scriptura out of context the whole Bible)
As you can see our Solo Scriptura is correct as we are inerrant—we like the parts of scripture we agree with and doesn’t disrupt our comfortable Conservative American lifestyle—and choose not to follow those that do. However everyone else else needs to follow the whole Bible or else leave the PaulicanBiblianDiscernmentalist Christian faith. (Solo scriptura out of context)
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – There is talk that an unnamed Supermodel, TV presenter and Discernmentalist is pregnant with thought.
Seal confirmed the rumors from the stage of a concert on Thursday in New York’s Radio City Hall, telling the audience; “the unnamed discernmentalist is full of recycled ideas and more outrage than 2008!…we expect more anger, more resentment and more bitterness than ever before”
We are hoping for more “Are you a good person?” converts to meet our epithet quotas. We expect the unnamed discernmentalist to explode with epithets in the last quarter of 2019!
Mark our word. When a ministry says “we are bible believing,” you can believe that they are bible believing. No need to test the waters…especially if they vent against other ministries in the guise of bible ministry. As a matter of fact, if you complain a lot against other ministries it is likely that this ministry is MUCH MORE HOLY and RIGHTEOUS than other ministries who SHOULD fall in line and get with the program. Simply put, if you say “we are bible believing” it gives you license to attack other ministries with unfounded license.
That is why Take A Stand Ministries is just a simple bible believing ministry who has the entire bible untangled and figured out. If you want bible believing certainty, and all that non-sensical post-modern, new-age liberal mystery and wonder jettisoned from scripture….this is a ministry that you should embrace.
Discernmentalists’ Discernmentalized Version of the Ratburn wedding episode of Arthur
Discernmentalists around the web have banded together to stop the assault on our Biblical marriages by fictional gay cartoon rats as we’ve already explained: Here and Here. So in keeping with our Discernmentalist traditions—we’ve decided to release a newly ghey and Canadian-free discernmentalized version of said “controversial” Arthur episode. Dr. Truthslayer has assured me that he has rounded up an all hetero white Conservative Bible-believing American voice cast to make sure the voice acting is ghey free. Ken Ham has overseen the reanimation process so that no lines may tempt viewers into becoming ghey. Dr. I. Todyaso has written an impeccable script and a PSA that will show at both the beginning and the end of the episode.
In our new discernmentalized version of this episode—suspected Sintologist Franklin Graham will voice act the Minister that will Biblically marry Mr. Ratburn to a Mrs. Ratburn instead of a Mr. Whocares. After the wedding Mr. Ratburn being a Bible-believing rat will assert his Male Headship over his new wife reminding her that her place is at home in the kitchen making his dinner and baby rats. On weekends when he’s not forcing doing Bible-based stuff with his new wife or doing his job to support and protect her through his 401k Elementary school teaching career—he’ll give Brain extra credit assignments just so he can get Brain alone so he can preach the Gospel of God’s Wrath to that smart-aleck atheist sinner.
The next half of the episode will feature Mr. Ratburn teaching the kids of Lakewood Elementary the Bible-believing values of picketing abortion clinics. Francine will accuse her garbage-collecting dad of being a liberal Environmentalist in league with an Emergent Global Warming cult. The kids will out Muffy as a closeted anti-American commie for writing a blog that sounds suspiciously liberal: Muffington Post. {Edit: We would make another joke but we’ve erased all the gheyness from this originally abominable episode}. In the end Brain will finally get regenerated and accept his salvation through Mr. Ratburn’s preaching of the Law of the Angry Sovereign God of Wrath through a Way of the Master: “Are you a good person?” test. Afterwards Mr. Ratburn forces Brain to do a book report on Ray Comfort* Hell’s Best Kept Secret—Brain then agrees that bananas prove that Evolution is a myth invented by liberally socialistic atheist scientists as well as Global Warming. The End?
{*- Note: Ray Comfort’s lawyer made us sign a non-disclosure agreement so we can’t tell you that when he heard about our project he begged us to let him be a part of it and to let us let him plug his book and ways of evangelism through guilt and fear. Also Kirk Cameron and Candace Cameron-Bure’s as well so we can’t tell you that Kirk Cameron is voicing the Brain; Candace is voicing Francine as well as Muffy and Mrs. Ratburn/all the girl parts (so we could cut costs—we also pay her less); and Ray of course is voicing Mr. Ratburn.}
“Finally an animated anthropomorphic animal marriage for True Bible-believers and a great Bible-believing episode of Arthur. This is entertainment as it’s meant to be—a fight on the leftist assault on our values, eyes and ears— please consider a large donation to the Online Discernmentalist Mafia to help us continue our good fight on fictional gay characters like cartoon rats.”—Activist Mommy after viewing a donors’ only sneak preview of the newly discernmentalized version of the “controversial” Arthur episode.
It is recorded that Luther later said that Calvin was “educated, but strongly suspected of the error of the Sacramentarians.”[1] That is, that Calvin did not believe the same things regarding the Lord’s Supper as the Lutheran Reformers.
In this it appears that in Luther’s grand biography Calvin does not receive a great deal of mention. For Luther, Calvin would appear perhaps as a footnote.
How can the CBMW expect to stop the GLBT hordes if they refuse to follow the Bible’s Clear Teachings that all True and Godly manly-men have beards?
In our current culture, the progressive trends of gender confusion and transgenderism is all the more reason we should uphold the biblical picture of a masculine man by having beards to stand separated from the pagan culture of today.
Thankfully you have True Bible-based ministries like ours with the Spines and beards to prove it to help protect you in the Purity of our facial hair—and the Sound Doctrines of the Ways of the Master himself which teach Absolute Biblical Truth in his book The Truth War: Fighting for Certainty in an Age of Deception from the spineless beardless GLBT Evanjellyfish agenda slipping into our churches.
Post-millennialism and amillennialism is really the same thing. I like to call amillennialism negative, and postmillennialism positive. That’s just two ways to look at the same thing. It’s two ways to view human history. One says it’s not the Kingdom. The other says it is the Kingdom. One says moving toward the coming of Christ there will be no Kingdom. The other says there will be a Kingdom. But in both cases it will be the flow of history under the influence of the church. So they’re really looking at the same thing. One calls it a kingdom and says it will expand and expand and expand, that’s the positive spin. The other looks at it as a spiritual kingdom also but says it will decline and decline and decline until Jesus finally comes. But in both cases they would deny the actual thousand-year reign of Christ and they would deny that Christ will reign and rule on earth and literally fulfill all His promises to the nation Israel given in the Old Testament covenants. Whether you’re an amillennialist or a postmillennialist, you basically say Israel forfeited all its promises, forfeited all its privileges, forfeited all those things that God declared in covenant that He would give to them in the future and they forfeit it by their disobedience to the Mosaic Covenant, by their apostasy from true religion and by their rejection of their Messiah. Therefore, Israel has been permanently set aside so that the only Kingdom will be that Kingdom that we call the church ruled by Christ either expanding to take over the world, or existing in the world, and finally in heaven. So, it is really one of the strange ironies of Reformed Theology. And therefore it’s a strange irony in the church today that those who love the doctrine of sovereign election most, that would be Reformed theologians, those who love the doctrine of sovereign election most supremely and who love that doctrine most sincerely and…this is going to be a long sentence…and who are most unwavering in their devotion to the glory of God, the honor of Christ, the work of the Holy Spirit in regeneration, the veracity and inerrancy of Scripture, those who are usually the most fastidious in Bible interpretation, yes those who are the most careful and intentionally biblical regarding all categories of doctrine, those who see themselves as guardians of biblical truth, those who are passionate to get it right, those who are not content to be wrong at all, and those who most heartily agree on the essential matters of Christian truth so that they labor with all their powers to examine in a Berean fashion every relevant text to discern the true interpretation of all matters of divine revelation are…and there’s the main verb in the sentence…are in varying degrees of disinterest in applying their skills to the end of the story and rather content to be in happy if not playful disagreement in regard to the vast biblical data on eschatology as if the end doesn’t matter much…period. Or another way to say it would be this, how many of you have attended an amillennial prophecy conference? There isn’t such a thing. If you don’t know what you believe about the future, you can’t preach on it. Whether you are a pessimistic amillennialist, or an optimistic amillennialist, that’s a post-millennialist, you don’t know what to do with prophetic truth because if you interpret prophetic truth in the same normal natural way you interpret all the rest of the passages of Scripture, you’re going to end up a pre-millennialist. It’s inevitable. And so you have to change the rules of interpretation. And once you say the Bible doesn’t mean what it says, then we have no idea what it means. Certainly you have no idea what it means, neither does anybody else.—Pope Pyro aka John MacArthur (PBUH)
The only True Eschatology is premillennial dispensationalism—never mind the fact that it and the rapture are nowhere to be found in the Bible nor was it taught for the first 1800+ years of Church History. It also doesn’t matter that it came from the teachings of Darby and Scofield and that the Rapture has it’s origins in demonic mysticism. If our Pope of the Truth War—the only True Living Teacher of God’s Word with a Study Bible named after him (complete with his personal study notes; annotations; maps and teachings and opinions) teaches Premillennial Dispensationalism and the Rapture as a FACT in the annotations of his Holy Study Bible and from his pulpit then we can know with Absolute Certainty that these teachings are Absolute Biblical Truth!
Reliving our glory days of the Truth War—Dr. I. Todyaso is proud to introduce our newest old course on apologetics aka Apoolajetix to help aid new and future Truth Warriors/Discernmentalists in their Researchmentalism in the defense of our fragile Pure Doctrines that are always under attack and in need of being defended by us:
This our subservient students is the secret to defending our fragile hard doctrines of True Biblical Christianity that is our Extreme Theology of Monergism wedded with Ayn Rand’s Objectivism(the only Conservative approved Libertarian/Independent thinker besides those who support Theocracy like the Constitution Party—despite her views on abortion and her not believing in our angry Sovereign Grace-filled God of wrath) which are always being perverted; always under attack by our many enemies and always in need of defense by us.
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Drs. I. Todyaso; Truthslayer and Don Jobson—Doctors of Apoolajetix
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Dude! This is a satire site!
Before you get all bent out of shape, please realize this is a satire site spoofing the so-called "discernment ministries" who deem themselves more worthy of Grace than the rest of us. So read and have fun! BTW, we are not against "good" discernment ministries that do actual real research and extend grace to others, only the bad ones.
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Will Farel XV
