Stating “we are Bible believing” makes it true!

June 3, 2019

 

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Mark our word. When a ministry says “we are bible believing,” you can believe that they are bible believing. No need to test the waters…especially if they vent against other ministries in the guise of bible ministry. As a matter of fact, if you complain a lot against other ministries it is likely that this ministry is MUCH MORE HOLY and RIGHTEOUS than other ministries who SHOULD fall in line and get with the program. Simply put, if you say “we are bible believing” it gives you license to attack other ministries with unfounded license.

That is why Take A Stand Ministries is just a simple bible believing ministry who has the entire bible untangled and figured out. If you want bible believing certainty, and all that non-sensical post-modern, new-age liberal mystery and wonder jettisoned from scripture….this is a ministry that you should embrace.

ODMafia approved—-Truthslayer endorsed


Breaking: Discernmentalists to release newly discernmentalized version of “controversial” Arthur episode!

May 17, 2019

heterorat

Discernmentalists’ Discernmentalized Version of the Ratburn wedding episode of Arthur

Discernmentalists around the web have banded together to stop the assault on our Biblical marriages by fictional gay cartoon rats as we’ve already explained: Here and Here. So in keeping with our Discernmentalist traditions—we’ve decided to release a newly ghey and Canadian-free discernmentalized version of said “controversial” Arthur episode. Dr. Truthslayer has assured me that he has rounded up an all hetero white Conservative Bible-believing American voice cast to make sure the voice acting is ghey free. Ken Ham has overseen the reanimation process so that no lines may tempt viewers into becoming ghey. Dr. I. Todyaso has written an impeccable script and a PSA that will show at both the beginning and the end of the episode.

In our new discernmentalized version of this episode—suspected Sintologist Franklin Graham will voice act the Minister that will Biblically marry Mr. Ratburn to a Mrs. Ratburn instead of a Mr. Whocares. After the wedding Mr. Ratburn being a Bible-believing rat will assert his Male Headship over his new wife reminding her that her place is at home in the kitchen making his dinner and baby rats. On weekends when he’s not forcing doing Bible-based stuff with his new wife or doing his job to support and protect her through his 401k Elementary school teaching career—he’ll give Brain extra credit assignments just so he can get Brain alone so he can preach the Gospel of God’s Wrath to that smart-aleck atheist sinner.

The next half of the episode will feature Mr. Ratburn teaching the kids of Lakewood Elementary the Bible-believing values of picketing abortion clinics. Francine will accuse her garbage-collecting dad of being a liberal Environmentalist in league with an Emergent Global Warming cult. The kids will out Muffy as a closeted anti-American commie for writing a blog that sounds suspiciously liberal: Muffington Post. {Edit: We would make another joke but we’ve erased all the gheyness from this originally abominable episode}. In the end Brain will finally get regenerated and accept his salvation through Mr. Ratburn’s preaching of the Law of the Angry Sovereign God of Wrath through a Way of the Master: “Are you a good person?” test. Afterwards Mr. Ratburn forces Brain to do a book report on Ray Comfort* Hell’s Best Kept Secret—Brain then agrees that bananas prove that Evolution is a myth invented by liberally socialistic atheist scientists as well as Global Warming. The End?

{*- Note: Ray Comfort’s lawyer made us sign a non-disclosure agreement so we can’t tell you that when he heard about our project he begged us to let him be a part of it and to let us let him plug his book and ways of evangelism through guilt and fear. Also Kirk Cameron and Candace Cameron-Bure’s as well so we can’t tell you that Kirk Cameron is voicing the Brain; Candace is voicing Francine as well as Muffy and Mrs. Ratburn/all the girl parts (so we could cut costs—we also pay her less); and Ray of course is voicing Mr. Ratburn.} 

“Finally an animated anthropomorphic animal marriage for True Bible-believers and a great Bible-believing episode of Arthur. This is entertainment as it’s meant to be—a fight on the leftist assault on our values, eyes and ears— please consider a large donation to the Online Discernmentalist Mafia to help us continue our good fight on fictional gay characters like cartoon rats.”—Activist Mommy after viewing a donors’ only sneak preview of the newly discernmentalized version of the “controversial” Arthur episode.

Protecting the children through fear,

Don Jobson

 


Are The Council on Biblical Manhood and womanhood Evanjellyfish?

May 14, 2019

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Beardless weirdos

The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood (CBMW) exposed as weak gutless grace wimpy girliemen as per our Clear Teachings that all Truly Biblical manly-men have beards. In fact we’re beginning to question the Spine of their doctrines as they claim to teach gender distinction but are all clean shaven men. Where does such thinking come from? Where is the consistency when it is taught women have to dress like women and know their place but men can claim “christian liberty” when it comes to shaving off the God given mark of masculinity.

Only spineless Evanjellyfish would shave their beards off—now we all know Spurgeon the Prince of Preachers had a beard that’s why his Doctrines were so Pure as did Calvin. Luther once had a beard but had a lapse of judgment and shaved it off—if only he had followed Calvin’s example when he started the Protestant Reformation when Calvin was only 8 years old. We believe that’s why he erred in attacking our Truth that Calvin’s teachings are the most important teachings in all of Church History as any True Reformer would like John MacArthur (PBUH)*:

 It is recorded that Luther later said that Calvin was “educated, but strongly suspected of the error of the Sacramentarians.”[1] That is, that Calvin did not believe the same things regarding the Lord’s Supper as the Lutheran Reformers.

In this it appears that in Luther’s grand biography Calvin does not receive a great deal of mention. For Luther, Calvin would appear perhaps as a footnote.

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*- John MacArthur (PBUH) author of The Truth War

How can the CBMW expect to stop the GLBT hordes if they refuse to follow the Bible’s Clear Teachings that all True and Godly manly-men have beards?

In our current culture, the progressive trends of gender confusion and transgenderism is all the more reason we should uphold the biblical picture of a masculine man by having beards to stand separated from the pagan culture of today.

Thankfully you have True Bible-based ministries like ours with the Spines and beards to prove it to help protect you in the Purity of our facial hair—and the Sound Doctrines of the Ways of the Master himself which teach Absolute Biblical Truth in his book The Truth War: Fighting for Certainty in an Age of Deception from the spineless beardless GLBT Evanjellyfish agenda slipping into our churches.

 


Your Daily Dose of Absolute Biblical Truth

May 10, 2019

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Post-millennialism and amillennialism is really the same thing. I like to call amillennialism negative, and postmillennialism positive. That’s just two ways to look at the same thing. It’s two ways to view human history. One says it’s not the Kingdom. The other says it is the Kingdom. One says moving toward the coming of Christ there will be no Kingdom. The other says there will be a Kingdom. But in both cases it will be the flow of history under the influence of the church. So they’re really looking at the same thing. One calls it a kingdom and says it will expand and expand and expand, that’s the positive spin. The other looks at it as a spiritual kingdom also but says it will decline and decline and decline until Jesus finally comes. But in both cases they would deny the actual thousand-year reign of Christ and they would deny that Christ will reign and rule on earth and literally fulfill all His promises to the nation Israel given in the Old Testament covenants. Whether you’re an amillennialist or a postmillennialist, you basically say Israel forfeited all its promises, forfeited all its privileges, forfeited all those things that God declared in covenant that He would give to them in the future and they forfeit it by their disobedience to the Mosaic Covenant, by their apostasy from true religion and by their rejection of their Messiah. Therefore, Israel has been permanently set aside so that the only Kingdom will be that Kingdom that we call the church ruled by Christ either expanding to take over the world, or existing in the world, and finally in heaven. So, it is really one of the strange ironies of Reformed Theology. And therefore it’s a strange irony in the church today that those who love the doctrine of sovereign election most, that would be Reformed theologians, those who love the doctrine of sovereign election most supremely and who love that doctrine most sincerely and…this is going to be a long sentence…and who are most unwavering in their devotion to the glory of God, the honor of Christ, the work of the Holy Spirit in regeneration, the veracity and inerrancy of Scripture, those who are usually the most fastidious in Bible interpretation, yes those who are the most careful and intentionally biblical regarding all categories of doctrine, those who see themselves as guardians of biblical truth, those who are passionate to get it right, those who are not content to be wrong at all, and those who most heartily agree on the essential matters of Christian truth so that they labor with all their powers to examine in a Berean fashion every relevant text to discern the true interpretation of all matters of divine revelation are…and there’s the main verb in the sentence…are in varying degrees of disinterest in applying their skills to the end of the story and rather content to be in happy if not playful disagreement in regard to the vast biblical data on eschatology as if the end doesn’t matter much…period. Or another way to say it would be this, how many of you have attended an amillennial prophecy conference? There isn’t such a thing. If you don’t know what you believe about the future, you can’t preach on it. Whether you are a pessimistic amillennialist, or an optimistic amillennialist, that’s a post-millennialist, you don’t know what to do with prophetic truth because if you interpret prophetic truth in the same normal natural way you interpret all the rest of the passages of Scripture, you’re going to end up a pre-millennialist. It’s inevitable. And so you have to change the rules of interpretation. And once you say the Bible doesn’t mean what it says, then we have no idea what it means. Certainly you have no idea what it means, neither does anybody else.—Pope Pyro aka John MacArthur (PBUH)

 

The only True Eschatology is premillennial dispensationalism—never mind the fact that it and the rapture are nowhere to be found in the Bible nor was it taught for the first 1800+ years of Church History. It also doesn’t matter that it came from the teachings of Darby and Scofield and that the Rapture has it’s origins in demonic mysticism. If our Pope of the Truth Warthe only True Living Teacher of God’s Word with a Study Bible named after him (complete with his personal study notes; annotations; maps and teachings and opinions) teaches Premillennial Dispensationalism and the Rapture as a FACT in the annotations of his Holy Study Bible and from his pulpit then we can know with Absolute Certainty that these teachings are Absolute Biblical Truth!


Now Offering Our All New Apoolajetix Course!

May 1, 2019

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Pomotivator from the once mighty Hugh Jass Spurgeon site of Phil Johnson—now gone just like his Hugh Jass though he still is a Hugh Jass every now and then. *

 

Reliving our glory days of the Truth War—Dr. I. Todyaso is proud to introduce our newest old course on apologetics aka Apoolajetix to help aid new and future Truth Warriors/Discernmentalists in their Researchmentalism in the defense of our fragile Pure Doctrines that are always under attack and in need of being defended by us:

Pooling together our ignorance from around the web via Eric Barger’s Bible-Based Satellite System (BS) and Stretch Technology we can find the Answers In Genesis to all the problems we need to Take A Stand on with our Pulpit & Pen. Helping us Slice any truth to fit our narrative in our Battle 4 Truth that we’ve already presupposed to be true and need to be Apprising everyone of.  We must Stand Up For our The Truth and always be Defending (and) Contending for this truth using our Christian Research Network of True Bible Believers —who help spread our Doctrines via Lighthouse Trails and our seminars at Wordview Weekend through the administration of our annual Worldview Tests/Checkups.

We need to be Pyromaniacs for our truth but without Charisma just like any real Christian Apologetics and Research Ministry —we should follow the Way Of The Master that leads to Living Waters like Ray Comfort Hell’s Best Kept Secret instead of doing real research as real research leads to unWretched ideas. One of these ideas is forming a Gospel Coalition around Social Justice and social issues like ending hunger and poverty alleviation —pure blasphemy as the only real social issue that one Desiring God should care about is that we Abolish Human Abortion  just like our Angry Sovereign God desires.

This will help us be Rapture Ready—for Jesus Is Savior of the American Vision of Gary North and Thomas DiLorenzo which is the same as ours and helps us to Act for America by our Stand With Israel and being WallBuilders to protect our beliefs from the same government that we use to spread our Doctrines. Also remember to only get your news from Fox News; Breitbart; World Net Daily or any other Conservative approved (except for Libertarian) news source and remember to listen to Rush Limbaugh; Info Wars and Michael Savage on the radio everyday and like Eric Metaxas and Dinesh D’Souza read our Most Biblical and Godly President’s Tweets everyday as well in order to keep our Doctrines as Pure as the Puritan Hard Drive for we all know that we discernmentalists are really the Alpha & Omega of our own truth.

However you should never under any circumstances go to sites such as Scott McKnight’s; Warren Throckmorton’s;  David Gushee’s or Christ And Pop Culture nor any other site that discernmentalists have Quall(ed)Out and disapproved of as that might lead to the Bible Gateway into biblical scholarship  or worse you  may discover Catholic Answers instead of ones approved by us—besides everyone knows we discermentalists like to avoid the Bible especially Act(s)3 as much as possible whenever a Spurgeon quote will suffice like most of the online followers of Grace To You  believe.

This our subservient students is the secret to defending our fragile hard doctrines of True Biblical Christianity that is our Extreme Theology of Monergism wedded with Ayn Rand’s Objectivism (the only Conservative approved Libertarian/Independent thinker besides those who support Theocracy like the Constitution Party—despite her views on abortion and her not believing in our angry Sovereign Grace-filled God of wrath) which  are always being perverted; always under attack by our many enemies and always in need of defense by us.

————–

Drs. I. Todyaso; Truthslayer and Don Jobson—Doctors of Apoolajetix

*Phil’s Hugh Jass Pomotivators

An unrelated post from our past related to this one: Brian McLaren declares the Kingdom of God is here and now!


Introducing: Our Newest Course….Heresy-Hunting 101!

April 27, 2019

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Direct from our Pulpit & Pens we’ll teach you  how to be master Heresy-Hunters such as ourselves:

  1. You cannot underestimate the inability of most Christians to perceive the dangers around them. Again, being discernmentalizing is not about being psychic. (Unless of course you’re like us and have Bible-osmosis). Most discernmentmentalism is just about paying attention to your spiritual surroundings. Most people just will not stop and notice. Go to the shopping mall and watch people. Most people are walking around completely oblivious to the dangers around them, walking from Victoria’s Secret to Spencer’s Gifts without looking up from their Angry Birds app. And if you look long enough, you’ll see somebody else watching people – that’s the discernmentalizing guy. As paranoid as it may be, I’ve always been the type of guy to sit with my back to the wall at a restaurant or watching the hands of the guy in front of me at the convenience store. I’m cognizant of the vehicles that go down my street and have a mental note of the makes and models of all the vehicles on my block in case something is out of place. Most people are simply not that way, and that goes for Christians in the spiritual realm.

  2. You cannot underestimate the inability of most Christians to be students of history – ancient or near history. Ronald Reagan reportedly said, “For liberals, history began when they were born.” For many Christians, that’s probably too optimistic; for many, history began this morning. Another apocalypse date? Really? Again?! And yet, Christians are falling for this. Another omen interpretation? For crying out loud. Rick Warren again insinuates an altogether different cult from last time are his spiritual brothers and you think he just is inarticulate…again. For realsies? Osteen again plays the “I don’t know” card when he’s asked about the exclusivity of Christ? The fact is, most Christians aren’t keeping track of this stuff. They don’t read the news. The first time a sheep “accidentally” bumps off a fellow sheep maybe they’re just clumsy. The second time, it’s bizarre. But the third time that sheep rolls in with mutton between his teeth and lamb’s blood on his chin and you might just have a wolf.

  3. The “discernmentmentalist community” seems to speak in almost absolute unity concerning the more prominent wolves in the flock of modern evangelicalism. There are hyper-Arminians in the Pulpit Bunker. They’re there because they don’t agree with us on discernmentalist issues and they hate and try to pervert our Pure soteriology. There isn’t a Lutheran discernmentalist community, because they’re not Calvinistic enough to be True Christians©®™. There’s a Presbyterian discernmentalist community fighting for our Pure Church polity. There’s a Reformed Baptist discernmentalist community and one in almost every segment of evangelicalism except in charismatic circles (haven’t found one there yet). We may strangle each other over infant “baptism” (see those scare quotes I did just for giggles?) but we agree on Warren, Osteen, Meyer, Moore, the other Moore, the Mystichicks, et al. What could possibly be the reason for that unity, despite the obvious division? It’s #4.

  4. Discernmentalism is a spiritual gift, and should be fostered and promoted as essential to the local and universal church. The reason for unity in the discernment community is that discernment really is a Spirit-led (Hebrews 5:14). The same Spirit that guides the Presbyterians (but not the Lutherans) is the same spirit that leads the Reformed Baptists. We may don’t have different hermeneutics or interpretative presuppositions that allows us to land in different Confessions as our discernmentalist spidey senses all tingle when a wolf draws near.

  5. No matter how many times you’re right, you’re a H8r. No one (well, hardly no one) will come to you and say, “Okay. You were right. Sorry for calling you a H8r.” No, it’s “Lucky guess, but you’re still a H8r.” If you’re in this business for the public accolades, you’ll be sorely disappointed.

If your church is a True Church like ours then they would benefit from our Clear Teachings in this course on Heresy-Hunting as our Teachings are the same as the late great Ken Silva’s Clear Teachings who recommended and followed the Clear Teachings of our Pope of our Truth War John MacArthur (PBUH)’s Clear Teachings—so that makes us more than qualified in our expertise to lecture you on True Heresy-Hunting. Just one second of our course will  make you an expert Discernmentalist and Master Heresy-Hunter just not  as high and mighty in the standards of our Doctrine. Applicants must complete our self-righteousness course first.


“Reformation Eroding!”: Warns Pulpit & Pen

April 24, 2019

idolatry

Once again the Pure Doctrines of our most Holy most illustrious most inerrant Pope of our Truth War (PBUH) have come under attack. Our Research Robot Monkeys have noted that one of our own Al Mohler (who we already exposed as a Socialist against our Clear Teachings) did something that we ODMs disapprove of: mourned the fire at Notre Dame against our Clear Teachings against such. Quote:

Like most in the Evangelical Intelligentsia, Albert Mohler is signaling a virtue that is almost altogether disconnected from his theology. The long, long line to mourn the loss of a Temple of Idols forms somewhere near the headquarters of The Social Gospel Coalition, who lean heavily upon Roman Catholic Liberation Theology to support their progressive political agenda.

Mohler wrote an article entitled History Burning Before Our Eyes in which he laments the loss of so much ‘history.’ The history of Roman Catholicism has been the death of hundreds of thousands of Protestants, abject tyranny, responsibility for the Dark Ages, and the propagation of superstitious anti-Christ religion around the world.

We here at the ODMafia agree that this is a clear perversion of our the Doctrines of Grace and will erode the Protestant Reformation of Martin Luther’s (who observed Easter against our clear teachings on it’s pagan catholic origins) and John Calvin (who was influenced by the Patristics against our clear teachings to avoid all things Catholic). For shame Al—repent back to our Angry ODM Truth War Gospel against all those we deem unworthy of God’s grace or the liberals; gays; emergent hordes; Catholics; semi-pelagians; Rob Bell;  Armenians; pacifists; extraterrestrials; Red Letter Christians; Dracula; Bigfoot; etc. whose God’s love wins will erode our Reformation and the Purity of our Sound Doctrines and prevent us from bringing all of us back to the Dark Ages.

As noted by one of our fellow Discernmentalists after reading the excellent Discernmentalist article by Bullsh@t & Spin Dullspit & Sin Dips#it & Pretend Pulpit & Pen:

“Quite a shame Al Mohler bases his postmodern opinion on to the Reformers none of whom were Catholic. There was not even a shred of mention by them being influenced by Catholic belief. I’m sick of Social Justice promoting Christians? basing all their thoughts on things with “feelings.” I don’t care how you feel about things, you don’t get to change the facts to suit your preferences, just by posting your favorite leftist postmodern opinion. Truth be told the Reformers are rolling over in their graves with everything you jackasses have done to screw up the church.”—Tyrone V. Hoofendorfer

We move that Phil Johnson aka Hugh Jass  of the mighty Truth Warrior site Pyromaniacs force persuade Al to rejoin the ODM fold and take a stand in the Pure Doctrines of our most illustrious most Holy most inerrant Pope over ODMs and internet Calvinists everywhere (PBUH) or revoke his association with Mohler. In case you have forgotten my credentials—I was personally  mentored by the late great Pastor-Teacher to the Online Congregation of the True Remnant of ODMs—who personally sat at the feet of the late Walter Martin by pouring over his Apologetics cassette tapes for several hours. This gives me more than enough self-righteousness to discernmentalize and judgmentalize all those who don’t hold true to the Purity of our Doctrines of the Truth War.


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