Breaking from Bigfooted Americans Gazette: Bear attacks Miss Bigfoot USA’s husband after learning Donald Bigfoot Trump personally endorsed her husband for a government position and bragging about grabbing Miss Bigfeet USA by the hoohees. Bigfooted cops believe this attack was orchestrated by Anonymous Bigfooted Trump Haters who used ANTIFA to recruit this bear. Investigations are still being done on whether or not ANTIFA is responsible for this attack or not but Bigfooted watchbloggers have already placed all blame on them without evidence.
The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood (CBMW) exposed as weak gutless grace wimpy girliemen as per our Clear Teachings that all Truly Biblical manly-men have beards. In fact we’re beginning to question the Spine of their doctrines as they claim to teach gender distinction but are all clean shaven men. Where does such thinking come from? Where is the consistency when it is taught women have to dress like women and know their place but men can claim “christian liberty” when it comes to shaving off the God given mark of masculinity.
Only spineless Evanjellyfish would shave their beards off—now we all know Spurgeon the Prince of Preachers had a beard that’s why his Doctrines were so Pure as did Calvin. Luther once had a beard but had a lapse of judgment and shaved it off—if only he had followed Calvin’s example when he started the Protestant Reformation when Calvin was only 8 years old. We believe that’s why he erred in attacking our Truth that Calvin’s teachings are the most important teachings in all of Church History as any True Reformer would like John MacArthur (PBUH)*:
It is recorded that Luther later said that Calvin was “educated, but strongly suspected of the error of the Sacramentarians.” That is, that Calvin did not believe the same things regarding the Lord’s Supper as the Lutheran Reformers.
In this it appears that in Luther’s grand biography Calvin does not receive a great deal of mention. For Luther, Calvin would appear perhaps as a footnote.
How can the CBMW expect to stop the GLBT hordes if they refuse to follow the Bible’s Clear Teachings that all True and Godly manly-men have beards?
In our current culture, the progressive trends of gender confusion and transgenderism is all the more reason we should uphold the biblical picture of a masculine man by having beards to stand separated from the pagan culture of today.
Thankfully you have True Bible-based ministries like ours with the Spines and beards to prove it to help protect you in the Purity of our facial hair—and the Sound Doctrines of the Ways of the Master himself which teach Absolute Biblical Truth in his book The Truth War: Fighting for Certainty in an Age of Deception from the spineless beardless GLBT Evanjellyfish agenda slipping into our churches.
We at ODMafia are BLACK FRIDAY ready. Discernmentalists traditionally ignore consumerism, capitalism or anything else that would undermine the America Way of Life….and this is with good reason. A true discernmentalist believes that the American Way of Life is the Christian Way of Life. To say one is to accept the other and vice-versa. That is why we have introduced SAFE-BUY. It is a credit card made by discernmentalists for discernmentalists.
The card, carefully engineered will prevent you from buying purchases that could cause you to become a heretic or a liberal. In the event that you mistakenly try to buy NOOMA DVD’s the card will red-flag this purchase and the cashier will be instructed to slap you in the face. Instead you will be directed to purchase bible-believing DVD’s that help you to fear, worry and fret. In addition, you will learn how misquoting speakers will give you impressions that almost everyone in the church is a heretic, giving you the gnostic impression – you and only you have an side track on all things false.
Moreover, discernmentalist DVD’s will help to shape a cartoon, binary universe that will ensure that only those who say “Bible Believing” are the only ones telling the truth. Remember, discenrmentalist DVD’s don’t use the dodgy marketing techniques that other false ministries use, rather only the biblically righteous methods.
Remember this card is patriotic!
PS this card will provide absolute certainty
With the all new MIND CONTROL SPRAY (researched by ODMAFIA) – you simply apply the spray to any clear thinking person rejects your illogical lines of random and ill conceived thoughts. Whomever is sprayed will begin to succumb to such as phrases as “bible believing,” “absolute biblical truth,” and “bible based, ” as a form of self-affirming circular logic. Because we say its true…it is true Using these phrases coupled with almost any idea imaginable will enable someone under control of the MIND CONTROL SPRAY to appreciate any insight you have as “bible believing” etc. In addition, if you suffer from any latent paranoia regarding the potential for false teaching this will aid in bringing your fears to an entirely new level. With MIND CONTROL SPRAY you will quickly begin referring everyone who does not measure up to your perfect doctrine as unAmerican, unbiblical, liberal, left-wing, emergent, catholic, anglican, liberal-biased, heretic, communist, democrat, socialist, marxist, peaceniks and anti-semite.
Bible based slander is needed in these troubling times….be sure to order yours today!
PS Use two squirts of Mind Control to reduce any peace loving, anti-war sentiment.
When a new believer comes to your church you need to understand Jesus is not done with them yet. This gives you the pastor and staff the opportunity to create this new believer in YOUR image instead of the image of Jesus. Often the new believer is confused as to what is happening to them. They only know that their sense an inner change they never knew before. Often these people feel compelled by some outside source to read the bible and as we all know that could lead to strange beliefs like loving others, forgiveness of others, a desire to give up some bad habits and so on. While not all of those things are bad and some are good, we must remember the new believer is like a tender twig that can be bent whatever way we desire. So, here is the anatomy of a New Believer (NB) that we must create in OUR image (just like in Genesis remember?)
1. The head: We first help them realize they have no brain and must give up any type of thinking contrary to our doctrines.
2. Eyes: Now that God has opened their eyes to see Him, we must train the NB what to see (the offering plate) and what not to see (the street person who has real need).
3. Ears: God has opened their ears so now you the pastor must make sure that they only hear those approved things the doctrines let us hear. You must also train the NB to deny some things they may have heard and confuse them to believe they heard things YOU want them to hear when they actually never did.
4. Nose: The NB must learn fast how to hold their nose up in contempt of lesser deserving Christians saved by Grace.
5. The arms: Designed to hold others, must be used to hold people away.
6. The heart: God gave them a new heart, your job as a pastor is to keep it from truly expressing that new heart and hold it in confusion with political ideas that conflict with what God is telling them.
7. The shoulders: While God has lifted the great burden the NB once shouldered, your job as a pastor is to begin to add new burden (church growth projects or the church building program) so they will begin to do things in the flesh and not the Spirit.
8. The stomach: Sometimes a NB will begin to feel nauseas at some of your teaching, as they will want to do silly things like tell their friends (those who we deem unworthy for our churches like gay people for instance). Appease the NB by telling them about conferences that talk about 10 ways to a better prayer life or 10 ways to tithe more.
9. The reproductive organs. Let me get this clear to all of you. When you come to Jesus there is no sex except between a man and his wife. If you have any sexual urges outside of marriage, you are abnormal and perverted! God did not give you sex organs for pleasure, just ask my wife about that!
10. The Spine: You must remove it so the NB will not stand up against you!
11. The Skin: It must become thick enough to not care about those laughing at the NB while they are standing on a corner shouting anti abortion or anti gay slogans, yet thin enough that you the pastor can still get under and make the NB uncomfortable if they do not try to please you!
12. Feet. The feet must be hobbled so the NB will not be able to leave. One technique is to make them feel sense of loyalty by stating things like “We are a family here, you can’t just leave your family,” or “God set the pastor over you so you cannot just disobey God by leaving.” This will buy you time as you the pastor work out a new way to confuse so that you may abuse the New Believer that may come to your church.
Just remember, it is much easeir to keep your church going with techniques like these than to trust the Holy Spirit in someone else to guide them. By controling the NB, you can ensure a new generation of believers who will focus on building programs and keeping you the pastor in a stable income.