A quick hitter

April 23, 2019

Priest

Hello my faithful warriors for faith!  It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything for I was battling the semipelagianist  around the globe. 37 countries and countless battles and I firmly believe that we are winning the battle.  I ask that all of you stand steadfast against the teaching of the post modernists and liberal feminists.   Let us pray strongly for our brothers in arms John Piper and Rush Limbaugh.    Let us pray that God, in his sovereignty, would bless our great Truth War once again against all those who would stand against us and our eternal struggle. Let us fight against Easter worshippers and all those who would dare call Christians Easter worshippers. Let us spread more Pizzagates and QaNon propaganda to take a stand against the vaccinated apostates who pervert our Pure Doctrines for: “There is nothing makes a man suspect much, more than to know little.”—FRANCIS BACON, Of Suspicion, 1625.

I write this from the Fema Concentration camp that I stole my guns back from comforted by John MacArthur (PBUH)’s words: “There has been a conspiracy to cover up a truth that is so essential to the New Testament, that without it we misunderstand our relationship to Jesus Christ.” And we discernmentalists know all about conspiracies. I immediately renew my pledge in the Truth War to conspire in our Truth doctrines against the unwashed masses. Well I’m off to yet again fight with another camp of apostates, the lamestream media and hairy mystics chanting with earth worshipping feminists but I leave you with one conspiratorial essential quote which helps us understand our relationship to misogyny Jesus even more:

This is the real danger. The very idea of Christian feminism has become a Trojan horse for theological liberalism. The popular “Christian” feminists, such as Rachel Held Evans and Sarah Bessey, are advocates for a host of theologically liberal positions ranging from pro-gay theology to denying Biblical inerrancy to advocating for alternative views of God the Father Himself to minimizing the atonement. It is not as if they are drawing on historic Biblical doctrine to ground equality. Rather, they begin with a modernist conception of “equality” and insist on reading that into the Bible. Christian feminism is not based on good exegesis, but eisegesis. It is not a Christianization of feminism, but a secularization of Christianity. And it gains traction, especially among younger Christians, because there is a biblical ideal of equality based on man and woman’s creation in the image of God (see Genesis 1:26-27). Yet like all doctrinal dangers and compromises, the truth is mixed with a great deal of error. And while Christian feminism starts with a true proposition, it quickly devolves into a host of false teachings, biblical distortions, and even heresies.

If Christian feminism were marked by biblical teaching on sex and gender roles, and didn’t have a host of doctrinal distortions smuggled in with it, then I would have no quarrel or qualm with it. If my compatriots in the Assemblies of God would exercise even a little discernment when quoting Christian feminists who actively deny AG doctrine, I would be less concerned. But instead advocacy of Christian feminism, especially among Millennials, is doctrinally uninformed, Biblically void, historically ignorant, philosophically incoherent, and naive in nearly every way.

Christian feminism is a Trojan horse. It will rot the religion in which it appears, destroying from within Christianity’s Biblical and historic teachings on God and man’s relationship to Him. I know this sounds alarmist and overblown. But the time to sound alarmist is decidedly BEFORE the barbarians are inside the gates. You sound the alarm before the trap is sprung, in hopes that you don’t get caught in the trap. On doctrinal issues, I want to alert people to the problem before they make a commitment to false teaching (Proverbs 12:13).

To anyone who objects especially liberal feminists… I reply….

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ODMafia wishes to ban Lake Titicaca!

August 17, 2010

Our every truthful, always discerning Research Robot Monkeys have discovered a lake in Peru: Lake Titicaca. You KNOW as well as I do what this name entails!!!!  The name is littered with verbal filth and vulgarity…and our readers should be shielded from this. We are not surprised at all, especially when found in a foreign country.  As a matter of fact we believe that there are NO Christians in Peru and therefore would explain why a lake would have such a heinous name.  It is probably that there are no Christians in Peru because there are no freedom loving Republicans who live there.

We are encouraging all our faithful discernmentalist brethren to place a ban on Lake Titicaca. In fact we implore you to boycott his lake by taking a stand and NOT going on vacation at Lake Titicaca. We therefore ask Eric’s Take A Stand, Crosstalk, Apprising Ministries, Brannon Howse, Lighthouse Trails, Discerning the World and others to truly fight this until Peru CHANGES the name of this dastardly lake. Let’s strike back at darkness, by proclaiming absolute biblical truth….this is a war worth fighting.

Truthslayer

PS IF Peru will not relent on the name change, we will lobby congress to begin lobbing bombs until freedom reigns in Peru!


New antigay PSA from us to you!

June 18, 2010

Trigger warning: A creepy, old, male theologian talks about oral sex while repeatedly using words like “copulation,” “genitals,” and “breasts.”

With all this talk about a gay cartoon rat-agenda I’ve been hearing from Don I needed to bring out this PSA from our past to you from us with new commentaries:

This PSA brought to you by the letters J & P and the #1 as we’re #1 in our Absolute Certainty of our Absolute Biblical Truth ah…  ah… ah…

(John) Piper (just like us) accepts penile penal substitution as gospel and cannot navigate a casual conversation without picking tulips. (Our many enemies) find much of his theology (and ours) to be suspect at best and abominable at worst, but (they are) especially concerned by his (and our) low view of women, whom he thinks should ideally adopt a subservient role in society, not only within their own marriages and churches. He has also stated he thinks wives should endure spousal abuse for a season, for instance, if her husband merely “smacks her around one night.” (By the way, the #MeToo movement came after Paige “Fried Chicken” Patterson recently for similar abhorrent remarks. When is it coming for John Piper?!?) (Anyways) Piper also likes to field questions from his adoring fans, often about sex, which are usually about exciting and fun as listening to your grandfather talking about the subject. If you don’t know anything about John Piper, this video will help. Bring your own vomit bag.

Anyways this is why we must absolutely forbid the appearance of gayness even by straight couples as gayness is an abomination—so remember all we told you…why…because…

I. Todyaso


New era of ministry!

June 11, 2010

A new era of ministry is expected to unfold with this BOLD invention says iTodyaso, head of Online Discernment Researchmentalism and Design! This incredible piece of discernment hardware will take truth warriors to a place where truth warriors have attempted to go before. Fellow warriors will take contempt to a whole new level; it is the difference between a lit match and a nuclear explosion under the control of a mighty bible warrior. Enmity, strife & hate can be magnified into righteous indignation at the drop of a hate hat, or the flick of a switch. Remember, this device can be used in conjunction with fear, circular arguments & leaps of logic. Keep in mind DonJobson has been secretly using this for weeks under careful observation and clinical trials before this device was released to the public.

Soon ODMs all over the planet will use this device to heap judgment on anyone who gets in OUR way of the truth.

Truthslayer

PS remember, judgment over mercy!


They came from…..

May 12, 2010

They came from beyond….modernism. Thankfully in this movie the MIGHTY ONLINE DISCERNMENTALISTS come to the rescue defending the American Gospel and modernism in one fell-swoop. Our heroes attempt to thwart the EMERGENT SAUCERS against those whochallenge TRUE theology which every bible-believing-right-wing Christian knows has been frozen in the 16th Century (and rescued again by Spurgeon)…and that absolute authentic theology was formulated, articulated, defended and argued from that time period and no other. There is no tweaking, investigating, re-articulating, questioning, or any contextualizing what-so-over….ever. Therefore, when the ugly emergent hordes from beyond come along they must be hunted down and their flying saucers and destroyed!

Just like the Roman Catholic Church, and Islam NOTHING shall be questioned!!! In fact if the Pope can speak ex cathedra…so can Calvin (his doctrines are UNCHANGEABLE). If the Roman Church is unchangeable,  we can be the same! This is why this discernmentalist movie had to be made. We had to point to the 16th Century truth….and show it in its absolutes…and with all your favourite heroes!

Here is one of the heretical-saucer-emergent-horde quotes from beyond that disgust us (and hopefully you too) and you will find in this great movie “you have to have essentials and common doctrines of belief. Let’s go to a core doctrine… if one doesn’t believe in the resurrection of Jesus (as some don’t who do call themselves “Christian”) you then have very different understandings of Jesus and what it means to follow Him. You either follow a dead Jesus who did not rise from the dead or….” (Dan Kimball) We deleted the rest of the quote to leave you hanging and to feel threatened by Kimball’s mysterious ending (hopefully you can muster some slander against this man!) We also deleted any parts of the movie that would give any favourable light to the Emergent scum. We thought that that was only fair since WE represent THE TRUTH.

Enjoy the movie!

Truthslayer


Moaning and Groaning Christians

April 25, 2010

babyThe ODmafia Research Robot Monkeys have been doing their homework and discovered this incredible discernmentalist insight by Paul Proctor “Today, they’re [church‘] largely filled with bedridden believers who pass the time in and out small group therapy, languishing over their ills and misfortunes – forever discussing their aches and pains with anyone who’ll listen – lying around moaning and groaning about daily discomforts, inconveniences and “felt needs””

How does Paul know this?

1)     Paul gets his information the same way I do, he intercepts the brainwaves of parishioners from across the continent and draws judgmental conclusions from it.

2)    Paul Proctor has spent billions of hours in churches across America

My immediate inclination (which is always correct) is that Paul Proctor has a special discernmentalist vortex that allows him to see into the minds of others….instead of having to attend 10’s of thousands of churches every sunday, interviewing, polling to ascertain who is a moaner and who is a groaner (when we’re really lucky – its both!!!)

Pay no attention to the fact that Mr. Proctor is moaning and groaning about his fellow believers. Its simply enough that he is pointing out the ills of others… and we submit that we like this sort of discernment….in fact we advocate it.

Dr. Truthslayer

Truthslayer


Happy Divine Destruction Of The Earth Day!

April 22, 2010

Happy Earth Day. We  Discernmentalists do not believe in such a Worldly and Paganistic Earth-worshipping holiday as Earth Day. Foolish Environmentalists want us to take care of the Earth—what unbiblical nonsense (Genesis 1:26). The Earth is expendable for God in His Absolute Sovereign Wrath will soon enough destroy not only the Earth but the entire universe in these Last Days—that is after He raptures up His predestined Elect. This is why we must take a stand against such an unbiblical apostate and Satanic celebration as Earth Day so  remember these Bible-Based words of  our Pure theme song that we created using Eric Barger’s STRETCH Technology:

Discernmentalists chant: “WASTE!”
“FIRE!”
“TORNADOES!”
“FLOODS!”
“WRATH!”

Discernmentalists then shout: “Go God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath!”

Captain Pollution (John MacArthur) shouts: “By your Discernmentalist powers combined, I am Captain Pollution (John MacArthur)!”

Captain Pollution (John MacArthur), he’s our hero
Gonna take Emergent environmentalism down to zero

 

He’s our Discernmentalist powers magnified
And he’s fighting on God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrathful side

Captain Pollution (John MacArthur), he’s our hero
Gonna take Emergent environmentalism down to zero

Gonna help him put asunder apostates and
Other bad guys who like to spoil our Capitalistic looting and plundering

 

With a sinister jeer Brian McLaren snidely scowls: “You’ll pay for this Captain Pollution (John MacArthur)!”

We’re the Polluteteers
You can be one too
‘Cause self-righteously judging someone’s salvation is the thing to do!

Capitalistic looting and polluting are the Way
Hear what Captain Pollution (John MacArthur) has to say!

Captain Pollution (John MacArthur) triumphantly proclaims this Gospel message: “The Power of God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath will Destroy the Earth!”


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