How To Tell If Your Church Supports The Truth War

July 14, 2010

 

Use  these easy steps to find out if your church fully supports John MacArthur and his Truth War©®™ or not: We here believe that in order to be a Truly ODM-approved Church, your church must support the Truth Wars 100%—and to be extra-biblical in defending Truth go to “church three times a week.” Of course, we’re also all about the rules. Rules, Rules, Rules—you can’t have a True Truth War without a list of rules to follow as Truth requires discipline and self-righteousness. You may be fit for a Truth War/ODM Church if you take part in any of the following things, activities or beliefs:

 The Christian school you attended was connected to your church/cult, or you were home-schooled. Your church was committed to the “Doctrine of Separation” and strong discipline. You believed Billy Graham was the “bad guy” and that all other churches and religious organizations were disobedient and in “sin.” Your church also controlled nearly every aspect of your life. Your family may have even needed to get permission from the pastor before going on vacation (if you dared leaving in the first place). If you are female (heaven forbid), you most likely wore long skirts and the IFB ODM-Approved modest clothing item known as “culottes” most of your life whenever you went in public (you even went swimming in them).

You  may already be in a Truth War-supporting Church if you or your pastor is either for or against any of the following points:

1. “Bus Ministry”
2. “Soul-winning”
3. Gospel tracts
4. King James Onlyism
5. “The Bible says, ‘Touch Not God’s Anointed’ and that means ME!”
6. “Pants on women is sinful!”
7. “Christian Contemporary worship music is demonic!”
8. “Rock music played backwards tells you to kill your parents!”
9. “Going to the cinema is a sin!”
10. “Billy Graham has done more damage to the cause of Christ than any other man alive! He’s a heretic!”
11. Screaming, ranting, and raving pastors
12. Hellfire and brimstone sermons
13. You used to enjoy reading the book, “Me, Obey Him?” and thought the points made about wifely obedience were spot on.
14. “Women are to be in submission and obedient to their husbands at all times!”
15. “Women are to keep silent in the church.”
16. “A woman’s proper place is pregnant, barefoot, and in the kitchen.”
17. “I don’t care if she says she was beaten and molested. She’s just BITTER!”
18. “Well, good, godly men get accused falsely of molestation all the time now-a-days by people who hate what they stand for.”
19. “I don’t care if she was 15 and he was 50, she was well known for wearing provocative clothing. And how do we really know who is telling the truth”?
20. “Black people have the ‘mark of Cain’.”
21. “What do you mean we’re racist? We just ban interracial dating/marriage and use the Bible as our proof text to do so. That’s not ‘racism,’ that’s the BIBLE!”
22. “Any counseling by a professional psychologist is of the devil! I don’t care if they claim to be a Christian. If they are licensed and not a part of our group, they are not godly counselors. They are secular humanists ready and waiting to accuse every good man of doing something wrong. They want to see the destruction of the true church!”
23. You walked the church aisle approximately 15 times to become “born again, again.”
24. You spent tens of thousands of dollars for a college degree that means nothing in your professional field, but you console yourself with the idea that you walked away knowing how to make your bed, take out the trash, hang up your clothes, wear sharp suits and talk a good game.
25. You were beaten bloody, but your “will was never broken.” As a matter of fact, your “will” is stronger now than it ever was and you’re happy about it.
26. Tent/revival meetings
27. The prohibition of dancing (It’s carnal, you know!)
28. Your parents inscripted Bible verses in the wooden “rod” they used to beat you with.
29. Annoying choirs, and special music
30. That darn organ…
31. Alter Calls
32. Tithing…”If you aren’t giving 10% of your income to the church, you’re stealing from the LORD!”
33. The Sinner’s Prayer
34. Street Preaching
35. Protests/picketing with signs that urged people to repent.
36. “College is so much more than getting a degree for a professional career. College is about experiences and learning discipline and training, and who better to train you than us”?
37. “No good Christian needs to learn about things like psychology and feminism! Those are devilish movements!”
38. “We don’t need the governments approval (but, shh, don’t tell anyone in the group that we’re taking their money!).”
39. “Santa is really Satan in disguise!”
40. “Halloween is Lucifer’s day!”
41. “Old Church Hymns only!”
42. “The King James Bible is the perfect, inspired, literal, inerrant word ‘a God, and there isn’t a single translational mistake in it.”
43. “If you aren’t in a King James Bible-believing, Independent Fundamentalist Truly Reformed Calvinist Presbyterian Baptist Church, you are on your way to hell.”
44. You attended what you thought was a University, then realized you got a bogus degree and were shocked to learn that it was nothing more than the “Jones’ Family For Profit Business.”
45. You have an unaccredited “college” degree, which means nothing in the “real world.”
46. “And who cares if the rest of the world goes to college to get a professional/usable degree? If the rest of the world jumped off a bridge, would you want to do that too”?
47. Large families/no birth control
48. Phony Ph.D.s
49. “If you’re gay…get out of here! We don’t want ‘your kind’ around our kids!”
50. Your father/family member has an honorary doctorate from the college/university or institution he works for.
51. Lowest salaries in the US for employees in the IFB. As a matter of fact, now that you think about it, the employees in the IFB make less than the missionaries to Africa that you are currently supporting.
52. Being told, “You’re just bitter” and “not right with God” when you leave.
53. Getting ostracized by your family and friends for leaving the group.
54. You were a guy/girl beaten mercilessly in an unlicensed group home.
55. You ran away from one of these group homes.
56. You were one of the girls sent to a group home for “rebellion,” but all you really wanted was to simply wear a pair of pants.
57. No mixed swimming.
58. Culottes
59. Chick Tracts
60. Patch the Pirate
61. Character Sketches
62.”Steve Green is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.”
63. Patriarchy…keep that woman in her place!
64. You could make four times less than you are making now, while doing four times the work if you decided to go back.
65. You had nightmares as a child from the overused “Left Behind” videos in your church.
66. Dating parlors and super slides (while wearing culottes).
67. and much, much more!

68. You may also fit into the group well if you once attended or were reared/trained under materials available through:

  • Bob Jones University (Greenville, SC)
    Pensacola Christian College (Pensacola, FL)
    Hyles-Anderson College (Hammond, IN)
    Advanced Training Institute-Bill Gothard
    Quiverfull
    Vision Forum
    Above Rubies
    Creation Research Institute
    The Wilds Christian Camp
    The Bill Rice Ranch
    The Roloff Homes
    No Greater Joy

69. Your spiritual gurus at one time in your life were most likely:

  • Bob Jones Jr.
    Bob Jones III
    John R. Rice
    Arlin Horton
    Jack Hyles
    Jack Schaap
    Bill Gothard
    Doug Phillips
    Kent Hovind
    Lester Roloff
    Sam Gipp
    Bob Gray
    Peter Ruckman
    Michael Pearl
    Ron Comfort
    Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar
    Stephen l. Anderson
    Fred Phelps
    or any other man who received a phony doctorate from one of the “colleges/universities” in the IFB.

70.  Your Christian school or homeschool curriculum was from:

  • Bob Jones Press
    Abeka Books (Pensacola Christian College)
    Advanced Training Institute (Bill Gothard)
    School of Tomorrow (ACE)

71. Independent Fundamental Baptist Girls and Boys Group Homes:

  • Anchor Character Training Center (Iowa)
    Calvary Boys Ranch, Boarding Academy (Oklahoma)
    Haven of Hope Girls Academy (Maryland)
    Happiness Hill Home (Texas)
    Heritage Boys Academy (Florida)
    Hephzibah House (Indiana)
    Joshua Scott Boarding School (West Virginia)
    Jubilee Home for Ladies (Texas)
    Lighthouse Children’s Home (Missouri)
    Marvelous Grace Girls Academy (Alabama)
    Reclamation Ranch (Alabama)
    Shenandoah Boys Ranch (Tennessee)
    Shenandoah Girls Haven (Tennessee)
    Shining Light School for Boys (North Carolina)
    Victorious Valley Homes (South Carolina)
    William Seth Rochester Home for Children (South Carolina)
    Willow Valley Boarding Academy and Camp (Ohio)
    The Ark Youth Shelther (South Carolina)
    New Bethany Boys Home (Alabama)

Commies: The Musical!

July 2, 2010

 

Apostate Film Productions in conjunction with Walt Disney’s Red Letter Department presents Commies: The Musical—a musical of epic heretical anti-capitalist proportions set in a time when Communistic Socialist Justice was just reaching into the jugular of America’s heartland. This musical begins with a young Jim Wallis singing this number (The World Will Know) in the hopes of  getting America’s God-fearing youth to go on strike in protest against America’s God-ordained Capitalism

Counting the costs from the  riots that he incited Wallis gains a loyal band of followers including a young Tony Campolo. The plot really thickens when Wallis and Campolo encounter the heretical Social Gospel thought of Walter Rauschenbusch and both Wallis and Campolo begin thinking unbiblical thoughts about the Word of God which leads them to seriously ponder Jesus’ life and teachings. Soon Wallis and Campolo begin organizing and create the Red Letter Christian Union which seeks to ‘promote these evil unbiblical values such as peace, building strong families, the elimination of poverty, and other important social justice issues.’  In celebration of their Organized Union and their newly found Socialistic ideas Campolo pleads with the new Red Letter Christians to Seize The Day:

Somehow this song gains the attention of Brian McLaren as he dreams up a vision to unite Red Letter Christianity with his brand of Emergence Christianity. Jim Wallis and Tony Campolo catch wind of this idea and agree to meet with McLaren as they plan to unite in the theme of the Kingdom of God. Soon the Red Letter Christians and Emerging/Emergent Christians organize into an even bigger and stronger Union. Commies: The Musical ends with the whole cast singing a paen to their vision for a Communistic Kingdom of God to be unleashed upon the earth Once And For All:


Martin Luther Backs Socialists: Chapter The First

June 2, 2010

 

We are proud to present to you a moment from Discernmentalist Revised History uncut and uncensored: This is a tale about the Original Tea Partiers 4 Jesus and how they revolted against the Big  Bad Government and the Big Name who stood against them and opposed them. The cast of characters include: a bunch of peasants (the Original Tea Partiers 4 Jesus), the Holy Roman Emperor (Big Brother) and the Big Name who stood with Big Brother against the Original Tea Partiers 4 Jesus—that Big Name of course is Martin Luther (evil Neo-Marxist Red-Letter Christian prototype).

Our tale is a tale of sadness and woe; torture and families; the rich and the poor; the old and young; of death and taxes. Our tale begins in 1524 when the Peasants (Tea Partiers 4 Jesus) who were fed up with being heavily taxed decided to rebel (but not in a Romans 13-denying way as Romans 13 doesn’t apply to the rebellions of Conservative Bible-Believers only Liberals and Theologians who lied to Hitler to protect Jews even John MacArthur told us so) against the Holy Roman Emperor (the Big Bad Evil Socialist Government).

At first Martin Luther (our anti-hero and anti-Reagan of this story) agreed that the Peasants (Tea Partiers 4 Jesus) deserved a break from their taxes especially those who were extremely wealthy by Medieval standards (meaning they privately owned at least one cow)—so all the Peasants (Tea Partiers 4 Jesus) drew up a plan to lobby for tax cuts for the richest and most wealthiest among them. I mean why should they have to share their privately owned cattle or any other privately owned property with the government that only protects them and makes them secure. Why should they have to share with anyone for that matter as  sharing is Communism and as we all know:

The Bible mandates free market capitalism. It is anti-socialist. When Christianity adheres to the judicial specifics of the Bible, it produces free market capitalism.

On the other hand, when Christianity rejects the judicial specifics of the Bible, it produces socialism or some politically run hybrid “middle way” between capitalism and socialism, where politicians and bureaucrats make the big decisions about how people’s wealth will be allocated. Economic growth then slows or is reversed. Always.

To be continued in the next exciting part of our installments of  Discernmentalist Revised History—stay tuned for the conclusion of our tale in Martin Luther Backs Socialists: Chapter The Second…


John MacArthur Declared The First Ever Discernmentalist Pope!

May 15, 2010

 

John  MacArthur aka Pope Pyro after being elected to the position of the first ever Pope of Discernmentalists! Photo courtesy of Pyromaniac Archives. Photographer: Ken Silva.

(Annoying News: a  ministry of disseminating misinformation, lies and slander while apprising everyone to follow only the cults of celebrity in the Discernmentalist World )–  Normally we are against all things Roman Catholic except in special circumstances ie. our dependence on Saint Augustine’s interpretation of Aristotelian philosophy or R. C.  Sproul’s love of Aquinas. This is one of those times when these special circumstances may be applied against our normative Absolute Rules. After Discernmentalists  declared John MacArthur 100% infallible by a voting margin of 100-0 this Jan., it was proclaimed that the logical  conclusion of this recent  event was to elect MacArthur the first ever Discernmentalist Pope.

Ken Silva reports: “Indeed the word infallible applied to any person can only signify that one  has elicited the status of Pope-hood other than that infallibility must only be applied to our  Holy Inerrant Bible—the Only True Word of God.” 

Vicki, a typical McArthurite reacts to the news of the election of MacArthur as the first Discernmentalist Pope ever: 

Anyone who disagrees with John MacArthur on any point of Doctrine is just full of arrogance and condensation.

My understanding of the doctrine of election is not at all sinful–John MacArthur told me so.

Trusting too much to history and too little to the teaching of scripture would have left us in Rome–John MacArthur told me so.

There is a price a godly man must pay to be heard, that price is humility and respect.
If a man wants an audience to listen to his doctrine-he would do well to heed the following!

” Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.”
Titus 3:1-3 (ESV).— (Source).

Ken Silva asked Phil Johnson aka Pastor Hugh Jass or Spurgeon’s clone, MacArthur’s flunky lacky hindquarters right-hand man about his boss’s election to Discernmentalist Pope-hood. Phil responded: “Deep down I always knew that this day would come when he (MacArthur) would be elected Pope over all Discernmentalists and the Truth Wars as the #1 Truth Truth Warrior of Absolute Truth. I wholeheartedly support the recent vote on the infallibility of my boss and his election to the office of Discernmentalist Pope.”

Ken Silva pressed the rest of the fine, outstanding, Discernmentalist-minded and Biblically based Pyromaniacs crew: Frank Turk and Dan Phillips et al. on their thoughts but they were unavailable to comment.

————————————————————————-

Ken Silva is the exclusive  author of Annoying News. He is a Master Discerner of all. When he is not discernmentalizing the 99% of humanity who do not agree with him, you can usually  find him preaching to the choir of the small Southern Baptist Church of 8 members that he pastors. Sometimes he uses a Truth Rod–although this may just be a rumor.


Happy Divine Destruction Of The Earth Day!

April 22, 2010

Happy Earth Day. We  Discernmentalists do not believe in such a Worldly and Paganistic Earth-worshipping holiday as Earth Day. Foolish Environmentalists want us to take care of the Earth—what unbiblical nonsense (Genesis 1:26). The Earth is expendable for God in His Absolute Sovereign Wrath will soon enough destroy not only the Earth but the entire universe in these Last Days—that is after He raptures up His predestined Elect. This is why we must take a stand against such an unbiblical apostate and Satanic celebration as Earth Day so  remember these Bible-Based words of  our Pure theme song that we created using Eric Barger’s STRETCH Technology:

Discernmentalists chant: “WASTE!”
“FIRE!”
“TORNADOES!”
“FLOODS!”
“WRATH!”

Discernmentalists then shout: “Go God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath!”

Captain Pollution (John MacArthur) shouts: “By your Discernmentalist powers combined, I am Captain Pollution (John MacArthur)!”

Captain Pollution (John MacArthur), he’s our hero
Gonna take Emergent environmentalism down to zero

 

He’s our Discernmentalist powers magnified
And he’s fighting on God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrathful side

Captain Pollution (John MacArthur), he’s our hero
Gonna take Emergent environmentalism down to zero

Gonna help him put asunder apostates and
Other bad guys who like to spoil our Capitalistic looting and plundering

 

With a sinister jeer Brian McLaren snidely scowls: “You’ll pay for this Captain Pollution (John MacArthur)!”

We’re the Polluteteers
You can be one too
‘Cause self-righteously judging someone’s salvation is the thing to do!

Capitalistic looting and polluting are the Way
Hear what Captain Pollution (John MacArthur) has to say!

Captain Pollution (John MacArthur) triumphantly proclaims this Gospel message: “The Power of God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath will Destroy the Earth!”


First ODM Hybrid Cloned!

April 6, 2010

 

Our friendly housepet Fido!

The ODMafia has just revealed our newest secret weapon. After years of being called “watchdogs” we have combined the DNA of Fido, our faithful house pet and some DNA secretly collected from various ODM’s across the globe. Finally, we have success! Here is the hybrid watchdog! After a bit more training, our newest watchdog will be ready to sniff out heresy near you!

The New Hybrid Watchdog

Oh Those Horrible Baptists!

March 13, 2010

Typical unregenerate unrepentant Marxist Anabaptist heretic “turning the other cheek” and helping his enemies:

The story of Dirk Willems, who, when he heard that the sherif pursueing him for his Anabaptist beliefs had fallen through the ice, turned back to save him is often considered by Anabaptist hagiographers to be a key example of their practice of Christian charity.

 

Oh those horrible Baptists— how we despise their Doctrines! We Know that Baptists created Communism and Socialism to attack our Pure Protestant Reformed Doctrines of CalvinReagan and Capitalism. We Know that Karl Marx is a product of Baptist theology particularly the Anabaptist form of Baptist theology:

(Ana)Baptists of all countries — repent!

Karl Marx, himself a stepchild of the communistic Anabaptists, loved to enjoin: “Workers of the world — unite!”480 But, standing upon Scripture, Christian Calvinists now say to all such stepchildren: “Anabaptists of all countries — repent!”

We therefore call upon all of the various stepchildren of the Anabaptists — including justified Baptists; heretical Seventh-day Adventists; apostate “Jehovah witnesses”; polytheistic Mormons; and atheistic Communists — to repent of their great sin of antipaidobaptism (and of all their other sins).

Clearly  Baptists are in error for following the Bible in baptizing believers instead of following  Calvin’s Pure Doctrines of sprinkling infants. Communism and Socialism are what inevitably happens when one takes  the words of Jesus seriously in the Bible rather than following Calvin’s interpretation of the Bible exclusively. Jan Markell warns of following Jesus too literally:

They feel it is convenient to blot out the words of Paul on homosexuality and focus in on the good deeds Jesus talks about. Most are pacifists who reject an “eye for an eye” (Leviticus 24:19-20). They focus on Jesus’ words about helping the poor, ministering to “the least of these” (Matthew 25:40), loving our enemies, etc. That justifies abandoning hundreds, even thousands of condemning verses in the Bible they choose to wish away. That makes homosexuality OK and war wrong! And remember, Paul and the others in the Bible represent Jesus’ words. They were His spokesmen.
 
Some who believe this way practice a form of neo-Marxism and others would call it “Christian Marxism” — an oxymoron if there ever was one. They note that the early church shared everything (socialism).  A close cousin to this is “liberation theology.”
 
Those who are high profile in this movement include Jim Wallis, Tony Campolo, Brian McLaren and his Emergent bunch, and the National Council of Churches. Jim Wallis says, “In those red letters, Jesus calls us away from the consumerist values that dominate contemporary American consciousness.”  Translate that to mean he loathes capitalism and opts for socialism and/or communism.

We Know that “social justice”  is an evil word  and that John Calvin and Ronald Reagan had nothing to do with such a horrible thing as the Social Gospel and if they had nothing to do with social justice then Jesus certainly didn’t. Glenn Beck adds that “Social justice “is a perversion of the Gospel,” and “not what Jesus was saying” when He was teaching on justice and social sins. We agree and Know that the Socialist Gospel is a product of Credobaptism as Credobaptism denies the Pure Doctrines of “Original Sin” and “Total Depravity (Total Inabillity)” just listen to this heretical Baptist quote: “God imposes the necessity of sin on nobody.” My head is still shaking from all that Evilness! What an attack on God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath! Credobaptism in the words of GOIP Discernmentalist Sharin’ Whiplash is “man-exalting”:

 Certainly Credobaptism is evil since it promotes confusion this is why I Thank You, Lord, for Your servant, Jean Cauvin, without whom we would be still struggling in the darkness of Credobaptism, that man-exalting heresy! Besides Immersion sounds too much like the heresy of Emergent/Emerging or Emergence Christianity.

Truly anything man-exalting promotes Marxism, Communism and Socialism—this is why all Baptists are heretics. We along with Glenn Beck urge all Baptists to leave their Marxist Social Justice-promoting false churches and join a True Church that teaches the Pure Doctrines of Discernmentalists like The Protestant Reformed Churches in America, the Reformed Presbytery of North America, General Meeting (RPNA-GM) or the Reformed Presbyterian Church, Covenanted (RPCC)—just avoid the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA) like the plague as they are too soft  on Evolution and anti-theocracy and especially avoid the The Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.) or PC (USA) as they are neither Presbyterian nor Christian.


Why we support paedobaptiphobia

February 19, 2010

Typical baptist unregenerate baptism against Calvin's doctrines!

Let me break this word down for the ignorant unrepentant masses that read this blog only to mock our inferiority. We here have just made up a new word, because that is just how smart we are here at the ODMafia. So, you slack jaw locals who think that Phil Johnson’s Hugh Ass was parody, this is what paedobaptiphobia means.

paedo: Pertaining to children.

bapti: Pertaining to Baptists who immerse children in water.

phobia: Pertaining to fear of things in general but when connected to a word means you fear that word.

Therefore, you now know what the word “paedobaptiphobia” means. It means fear of baptist who baptise children.

Now, we know that is pure unadulterated heresy per John MacArthur (per our own award winning theologian Don Jobson) and that John Calvin would have never taught such a horrible doctrine! For John Calvin’s doctrine was almost as pure as our own! So, we support paedobaptiphobia in all forms and detest the unsaved Baptists who do not bow to our doctrines!  BTW, we here at the ODMafia do not need a list of reasons we call infant baptism heresy like Piper or MacArthur. Why? It is heresy because we say it is and that is good enough for us and should be good enough for you!


Article by I. Todyaso Appears in Newspaper!

February 2, 2010

 

We wanted to share this article from a major newspaper publication called The Discernment written by I. Todyaso. We wanted to state that next to the Internet, the newspaper is the more accurate place to get news. This means it must be all true!

 


Advice to ODM’s concerning comments

January 25, 2010

Advice to ODM’s concerning comments:

  1. Unless you are well versed in put-downs and twisting others words do not allow comments on your blog. This way you do not have to interact or be held accountable for your words. For examples of this, here is Ken Silva’s CRN and Apprising Miniseries.
  2. If you do allow comments, make sure your audience is dumber than you are. A great example of this is Phil Johnson. Just pick any post and read through. I also helps you look good to have abusive friends help gang up on those who disagree with you.
  3. If you are well versed in twisting others words then continue the slander you started in the post and transfer it on those who seek to hold you to some “biblical” standard of honesty. They seem to call this bearing false witness or some such nonsense. For a great source to learn how to do this here is Discerning the World.
  4. Finally, the best way to handle comments is to deem anyone who disagrees with you a heretic. Instead of entering a real dialog with someone you just skewered, tell him or her to repent! Mike Ratliff is a master at this one.
  5. Again, we look to Mike Ratliff for his genius ability to turn his comment threads into echo chambers. This can be done rather simply. Write down to your readers and heavily moderate your comments. When you see a “Yes-man” response be sure to let them go through… also make sure you throw around a lot of “Amen’s” to make you look really good.
  6. Lastly, be sure to utilize the comment thread to beat down your readers with more lies and links youtube.com videos of your latest evangelist outreach. Then condemn those critics by accusing them of not doing enough to get people saved!

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