Emergent’s plan new plan

June 16, 2010

In an unexpected turn of events the Emerging Church is secretly merging back into Evnagelicalism using stealth morph technology originally used by Eric Bargers Take A Stand Ministries to spy on Emergents. In a recent interview, our research robot monkeys disguised as penguins interviewed a man that looked like Dan Kimball. He was reported to state the following “My secret subversive plan has been unfolding during the last ten years. Soon I will rise from the fringes (no direct reference to Dan’s fringe leather jacket), and declare myself pope mega-pastor of the evangelical world and usurp John MacArthur’s position as ultimate truth enforcer.” Our research robot monkeys were in utter shock and before Dan could execute this final, evil, emerging-horde plan began to pummel him with all the research robot monkey fisticuffs they could muster. Dan raised a false-Jesus-bobble head to ward off attack. Just like those emergents to do such a thing!!!

Word has it that Dan  (obviously having dark supernatural powers) still plans to dismantle 10,000 emerging churches and reassemble them without notice in evangelical churches (ie like the movie Transformer). We also believe that Dan may be an illegal immigrant….who slipped in from Canada.

We are scared.

Truthslayer (note that during the attack our robots de-cloaked to reveal their true monkey nature – not to be mixed up with evolution)

PS Special thanks to Andrew Moir who designed this especially effective ninja robot. Without this robot no one would have been able to pummel Dan Kimball biblically

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New cop show, all truth no heresy!

June 6, 2010

In a new sunday night line-up Truth War TV introduces Chief Wiggum as a serious cop sniffing out heresy calls via an emergency heresy hunting 9-11 hot line; Discernmentalist 9-11 (Investigative Unit).

Each week our faithful cop and other cartoon like figures will follow-up on spin with regards to Christians who have been accused of being…

A) Democrats (or rumoured to have said something nice about Obama)

B) Peacemakers

C) Distraught by some forms of capitalism

E) Interested in universal heathcare

F) A friend of gays

G) A reader of NT Wright, John H Armstrong, Gregory Boyd, Rob Bell or Brian McLaren

H) Ecumenical (which we know is anything but biblical even if Jesus is central)

I) For social justice

Each week Wiggum will take down the apostates and allow voters to decide who is in…and who is out! Guilt by association, slander….whatever it takes to keep the right people in and the evil heretics out. Remember, Revenge NOT Reconciliation!!!

Truthslayer


They came from…..

May 12, 2010

They came from beyond….modernism. Thankfully in this movie the MIGHTY ONLINE DISCERNMENTALISTS come to the rescue defending the American Gospel and modernism in one fell-swoop. Our heroes attempt to thwart the EMERGENT SAUCERS against those whochallenge TRUE theology which every bible-believing-right-wing Christian knows has been frozen in the 16th Century (and rescued again by Spurgeon)…and that absolute authentic theology was formulated, articulated, defended and argued from that time period and no other. There is no tweaking, investigating, re-articulating, questioning, or any contextualizing what-so-over….ever. Therefore, when the ugly emergent hordes from beyond come along they must be hunted down and their flying saucers and destroyed!

Just like the Roman Catholic Church, and Islam NOTHING shall be questioned!!! In fact if the Pope can speak ex cathedra…so can Calvin (his doctrines are UNCHANGEABLE). If the Roman Church is unchangeable,  we can be the same! This is why this discernmentalist movie had to be made. We had to point to the 16th Century truth….and show it in its absolutes…and with all your favourite heroes!

Here is one of the heretical-saucer-emergent-horde quotes from beyond that disgust us (and hopefully you too) and you will find in this great movie “you have to have essentials and common doctrines of belief. Let’s go to a core doctrine… if one doesn’t believe in the resurrection of Jesus (as some don’t who do call themselves “Christian”) you then have very different understandings of Jesus and what it means to follow Him. You either follow a dead Jesus who did not rise from the dead or….” (Dan Kimball) We deleted the rest of the quote to leave you hanging and to feel threatened by Kimball’s mysterious ending (hopefully you can muster some slander against this man!) We also deleted any parts of the movie that would give any favourable light to the Emergent scum. We thought that that was only fair since WE represent THE TRUTH.

Enjoy the movie!

Truthslayer


New movie soon! The sound of the last trumpet!

May 5, 2010

“What a wonderful movie of the joy of judgment day when all my enemies get sent to hell!” ~ Ken Silva

“If there is one movie you must see it is this one!” ~ Mike Ratliff

“Rob Bell, NT Wright, Dan Kimball and Scot McKnight all say it is horrible, so it must be very biblical! I love the part when that Arminian church gets swallowed by the earth and the members all go to hell. Now that is entertainment!” ~ John MacArthur

“I never laughed so hard as when the scene when the fiery ball hit Congress and all the Democrats were incinerated while all the Republicans were Raptured!” ~ Brannon Howse

“It was as good as when we celebrate dead soldiers.” ~ Fred Phelps

“I was so surprised and happy when Glenn Beck was revealed as the 2nd coming of Jesus!” ~ Lynn the typical ODM reader.


How to dehorn an emergent

May 4, 2010


Dehorning an emergent is much like dehorning a cow

There are different methods from removing the horns, or dehorning, an emergent – the simplest being not letting your young fundamentalist be turned toward emerging. When this is not an option, you can now make a choice as to what method to use to dehorn an emergent.
Difficulty: Challenging
Instructions
Chemical Method of Dehorning
1. Step 1
Push back the hair that covers the horn bud on the young emergent.
2. Step 2
Use a brush to apply caustic potash or caustic soda to the horn buttons.
3. Step 3
Choose whether to have the hair fall back over the horn bud after applying the caustic, or clipping the hair back altogether. Some have found that the hair helps to keep the caustic in place, and prevents the caustic from irritating the older emergents.
4. Step 4
Avoid getting any of the caustic in the emergent’s eyes. Always wear gloves when applying the chemical. Wait for sunny days to apply the chemical on the emergent as rain can wash the chemicals from the horn buds.
Hot Iron Method of Dehorning
5. Step 1
Use a hot iron for dehorning an emergent if they are a little older. Also use anesthesia in conjunction with the iron, especially on the older emergents. Carefully check that the iron is working well before applying it to the emergent. A unit that is too hot can cause brain damage in the emergent which will also aid you in bringing them back to fundamentalism.
6. Step 2
Hold the hot iron against each horn bud for 10 to 15 seconds. A copper-colored ring will appear.
7. Step 3
Observe the emergent. After 4 to 6 weeks, the horn button will fall off.
Spoon or Tube of Dehorning
8. Step 1
Make sure you use the proper sized tube for the horn for dehorning. There are four sizes available. The tube should fit over the horn bud, as well as 1/8 inch of skin around the base of the horn bud.
9. Step 2
Place the cutting edge so that it is straight down over the horn bud.
10. Step 3
Twist and push the tube until you cut through the skin, then cut under the horn button and remove it.
11. Step 4
Apply an antiseptic to help prevent infection.
Barnes Method of Dehorning
12. Step 1
Fit the knives over the horns of the young emergent or older one by closing the handles of the Barnes-type dehorners. You will want to remove a ring of skin at the same time as the horn.
13. Step 2
Spread the handles apart as quickly as you can manage. This engages the knives, which cut off the horn.
14. Step 3
Make sure the blades are sharp before this procedure. Use anesthesia as well as make sure the emergent is properly restrained.
15. Step 4
Stop the bleeding by either using forceps to pull the artery, or a hot iron.

Yes, it is just that easy to dehorn an emergent.

Original article here


We eagerly await the return of Jesus and the destruction He will bring YOU!

April 4, 2010

Jesus rose from the grave and soon will come back and take you out. While those emerging apostates agree that Jesus died and rose again, for us we see Jesus as angry, wrathful and full of vengance. In fact He is going to take out Rambo like revenge on all of you sinners!

Yes, Jesus was very upset about being crucified as well as what He saw you do last night! Jesus did for me but if you do not agree fully with us and our DOCTRINE you will feel the rage of Jesus! We do not worship wimpy Jesus who just turns the other cheek, we worship the new and improve resurrected Jesus who will go into battle and ride a horse through blood as high as the horses bridle! Revenge is sweet so expect no mercy from Jesus when He comes again! I mean, Jesus taught us to forgive, yet He does not have to live up to that Himself. I mean the only point of the Cross was God must of made a mistake and owed Satan so had to legally pay him off.

Now, some of those apostate teachers will try to get you to read The Book of Revelation as apocalyptic writings instead of our “pick and choose” literalism. They will try to show you that believers in the Book of Revelation overcame evil by their testimony and by the blood of the Lamb. Let me tell you where that blood came from… SINNERS! We know that God cares nothing of humans or His creation and Love has no business in OUR faith! So, watch out, Jesus is coming and His wrath will be known. Oh, and BTW, have a great day in HELL… Now I am off to my Easter Service to preach about how much God loves me and hates you, you pitiful sinner!


Billions and billions discerned!

April 1, 2010

McTruthwarrriors is the most important truth warror fast-food restaurant of all times. With each burger served they include a bible based truth-quote from a MIGHTY TRUTH WARRIOR, or a false teaching emergent horde. They have been successful at discerning billions and billions of bits of information. Emerging quotes are organized, paraphrased, truncated and then passed from restaurant to restaurant until all context has been divorced from the original understanding. Then once it has been circulated over a billion times it is passed through the Discernment of Ministry Orthodoxy Religiously Organized Naysayers (MORON)  where it is recycled again by affiliate truth warrior restaurants such as Pizza Slice of Laodicea, Apprising Burgers, and Eric Barger’s Take A Hotdog Stand Ministries and Foods.

Emerging Horde Quote:   “I truly pray that churches and Christians see past the non-essential doctrinal and methodological differences and unite on mission together. Essentials to me are doctrines like the Trinity, salvation through Jesus alone and atonement through the cross, inspiration and authority of Scripture, repentance, future judgment etc……..non-essentials are tradition and denominational preferences, modes of baptism and things like that. ” Dan Kimball

Once this quote is filtered and recycled it will be spun to mean that Dan Kimball actually minimizes essentials and seeks to question biblical authority or the cross. Indeed, anything that affirms biblical Christianity will actually be construed as the opposite. Finally, this quote will suggest that Dan is trying to undermine all that Christianity stands for… which will prove once again that the Emerging Hordes are anything but biblical…and ALL emergents stand for the same things.

Truthslayer


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