June 16, 2010
In an unexpected turn of events the Emerging Church is secretly merging back into Evnagelicalism using stealth morph technology originally used by Eric Bargers Take A Stand Ministries to spy on Emergents. In a recent interview, our research robot monkeys disguised as penguins interviewed a man that looked like Dan Kimball. He was reported to state the following “My secret subversive plan has been unfolding during the last ten years. Soon I will rise from the fringes (no direct reference to Dan’s fringe leather jacket), and declare myself pope mega-pastor of the evangelical world and usurp John MacArthur’s position as ultimate truth enforcer.” Our research robot monkeys were in utter shock and before Dan could execute this final, evil, emerging-horde plan began to pummel him with all the research robot monkey fisticuffs they could muster. Dan raised a false-Jesus-bobble head to ward off attack. Just like those emergents to do such a thing!!!
Word has it that Dan (obviously having dark supernatural powers) still plans to dismantle 10,000 emerging churches and reassemble them without notice in evangelical churches (ie like the movie Transformer). We also believe that Dan may be an illegal immigrant….who slipped in from Canada.
We are scared.
Truthslayer (note that during the attack our robots de-cloaked to reveal their true monkey nature – not to be mixed up with evolution)
PS Special thanks to Andrew Moir who designed this especially effective ninja robot. Without this robot no one would have been able to pummel Dan Kimball biblically
May 12, 2010
They came from beyond….modernism. Thankfully in this movie the MIGHTY ONLINE DISCERNMENTALISTS come to the rescue defending the American Gospel and modernism in one fell-swoop. Our heroes attempt to thwart the EMERGENT SAUCERS against those whochallenge TRUE theology which every bible-believing-right-wing Christian knows has been frozen in the 16th Century (and rescued again by Spurgeon)…and that absolute authentic theology was formulated, articulated, defended and argued from that time period and no other. There is no tweaking, investigating, re-articulating, questioning, or any contextualizing what-so-over….ever. Therefore, when the ugly emergent hordes from beyond come along they must be hunted down and their flying saucers and destroyed!
Just like the Roman Catholic Church, and Islam NOTHING shall be questioned!!! In fact if the Pope can speak ex cathedra…so can Calvin (his doctrines are UNCHANGEABLE). If the Roman Church is unchangeable, we can be the same! This is why this discernmentalist movie had to be made. We had to point to the 16th Century truth….and show it in its absolutes…and with all your favourite heroes!
Here is one of the heretical-saucer-emergent-horde quotes from beyond that disgust us (and hopefully you too) and you will find in this great movie “you have to have essentials and common doctrines of belief. Let’s go to a core doctrine… if one doesn’t believe in the resurrection of Jesus (as some don’t who do call themselves “Christian”) you then have very different understandings of Jesus and what it means to follow Him. You either follow a dead Jesus who did not rise from the dead or….” (Dan Kimball) We deleted the rest of the quote to leave you hanging and to feel threatened by Kimball’s mysterious ending (hopefully you can muster some slander against this man!) We also deleted any parts of the movie that would give any favourable light to the Emergent scum. We thought that that was only fair since WE represent THE TRUTH.
Enjoy the movie!
May 5, 2010
“What a wonderful movie of the joy of judgment day when all my enemies get sent to hell!” ~ Ken Silva
“If there is one movie you must see it is this one!” ~ Mike Ratliff
“Rob Bell, NT Wright, Dan Kimball and Scot McKnight all say it is horrible, so it must be very biblical! I love the part when that Arminian church gets swallowed by the earth and the members all go to hell. Now that is entertainment!” ~ John MacArthur
“I never laughed so hard as when the scene when the fiery ball hit Congress and all the Democrats were incinerated while all the Republicans were Raptured!” ~ Brannon Howse
“It was as good as when we celebrate dead soldiers.” ~ Fred Phelps
“I was so surprised and happy when Glenn Beck was revealed as the 2nd coming of Jesus!” ~ Lynn the typical ODM reader.
April 1, 2010
McTruthwarrriors is the most important truth warror fast-food restaurant of all times. With each burger served they include a bible based truth-quote from a MIGHTY TRUTH WARRIOR, or a false teaching emergent horde. They have been successful at discerning billions and billions of bits of information. Emerging quotes are organized, paraphrased, truncated and then passed from restaurant to restaurant until all context has been divorced from the original understanding. Then once it has been circulated over a billion times it is passed through the Discernment of Ministry Orthodoxy Religiously Organized Naysayers (MORON) where it is recycled again by affiliate truth warrior restaurants such as Pizza Slice of Laodicea, Apprising Burgers, and Eric Barger’s Take A Hotdog Stand Ministries and Foods.
Emerging Horde Quote: “I truly pray that churches and Christians see past the non-essential doctrinal and methodological differences and unite on mission together. Essentials to me are doctrines like the Trinity, salvation through Jesus alone and atonement through the cross, inspiration and authority of Scripture, repentance, future judgment etc……..non-essentials are tradition and denominational preferences, modes of baptism and things like that. ” Dan Kimball
Once this quote is filtered and recycled it will be spun to mean that Dan Kimball actually minimizes essentials and seeks to question biblical authority or the cross. Indeed, anything that affirms biblical Christianity will actually be construed as the opposite. Finally, this quote will suggest that Dan is trying to undermine all that Christianity stands for… which will prove once again that the Emerging Hordes are anything but biblical…and ALL emergents stand for the same things.
March 25, 2010
Recently the Department of Motorized Discernmentalism created a new Highway Discernmentalist Patrol Unit aka the Mobile Discernmentalism Unit or MobDU for short.
MobDU‘s primary tasks are:
- Discernmentalizing Eco-friendly vehicles
- Tagging and registering non-gas guzzling vehicles
- Making sure all vehicles on the road pollute the environment in order to speed up Jesus’ hasty yet sure return, the End Times and the Rapture
- Checking to see if all cars have at least one unregenerate reprobated non-Elect heathen on board just in case the Rapture happens soon as those Left Behind will need to man the car
- Scouting out Emergent Vehicles
- Alerting Discernmentalists whenever Brian McLaren’s Monster Truck and Dan Kimball’s Spider Vehicle of Doom are nearby
Among other Discernmentalizing tasks—also meet our new Armored MobDU Patrol Unit for extra protection against Doctrinal Impurities, the Emerging Apostasy, Emergentness and other such Heresies:
March 15, 2010
Our readers know that we have the best research robot monkeys that money can buy (or program, but not in a cult-like programming way!) This is what they have found regarding spiritual leadership…
We are to esteem our leaders… for their work (see first Thessalonians)
But again, discernmentalists are exempt. Our job is to accuse the brethren. Our job is to discernmentalize every move that Rick Warren, Rob Bell, Bill Hybels, Charles Colson, Charles Swindoll, NT Wright, Brian McLaren and Rob Bell makes….then itemize, italicize, and criticize every word, thought or deed…especially their thoughts, like the ones that they do not write down, or speak about. When we’re not sure what the accused meant, we fill in the blanks to make them say what we think they will say. We say what they really mean. We are presumpteous (due to our rightousness) enough to discern this.
Remember, when we mean esteem, we mean attack.
We are Big Brother of the discernmentalist world!